A hardware shope salesman called Randalls,
Was confronted by a dame with four candles.
She said, "Take these back --
'Cause my idiot son, Jack,
Bought them though I told him fork handles!"
--- H Myers

A nerdy young gamer from Utrecht
Got involved In Real Life in a shagfest
While his friends playing Wargasm
He discovered the orgasm
With a lady who´s known as the fragfest
--- Anon

There once was a rank pranky cranky,
Who tried to outflank hanky-panky;
She could always sustain
Her own moral campaign,
Except with a frank lanky Yankee.
--- Bill Backe-Hansen P8511

The langugage of English I wish
'Twere phonetic, and not mash and mish.
And according to Shaw,
There's no order or law,
Because GHOTI, it seems, sounds like FISH.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2840

In Baghdad I met a glad bag lad.
He had found a doodad, first he had had.
I helped him with his bag
Which we both had to drag
To his pad where his dads a bag dad.
--- Tom Patton P0502

In Gorgeous George's gorgeous Georgian gorge,
Gorging orgies and orgy gorging forge
A horde of Ladies whoring
To the Lords of Hades snoring,
When George's gorgeous orgied gorgers gorge.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

A popular singer named Tammy
Was nominated for a Grammy.
When tense she would fret
And break into a sweat.
Getting the Grammy made Tammuy so clammy.
--- Anon

A spinster once kept a pet hog,
Which she took for runs with her dog.
While off on a jog
With her dog and her hog,
She got lost in a bog in the fog.
--- Mike O'Conner

Of all the names ending in "ini",
I think I prefer Tetrazzini;
I was fond of her voice,
But I have a hard choice
Between Tetrazz- and Pucc- and Cellini.
--- Limber Limericks

A middle-school student named Marty,
Renowned for his excellent party,
Was late everyday
So his teacher would say,
"Again Party-Marty, you're tardy!"
--- DS

From the bench said the senile Judge Percival,
"Young man, Counsel claims you'll get worse or I'll
Send you to jail,
So I'll put you on bail."
Now wasn't Judge Percival merciful?
--- Anon

You really mutht be quite a dunth
To think not a word rymeth with month.
For all the fair thekth
Grow beathth and not pecth,
And are built not with prickth but with cunth.
--- Tiddy Ogg

I once knew a girl named Dolores
Who really could have used a thesaurus.
Her vocabulary
Was quite stationary
At five thousand words moreorless.
--- Monique de Plume

I'm your secret lover Jack Chumley, Peg.
I love you because your're so comely, Peg.
I miss your kissing,
But what I'm really missing
Is, you won't learn how to play mumbley-peg.
--- Ed Wolfert P8405

I just lie there at night wide awake
I can't sleep, what I need is a break.
I've been racking my brain
But I still can't explain
Why mustache doesn't rhyme with must ache.
--- Tom Patton P0203

They say that the folk from 'round Limerick
Saw a time when they needed a trim wick.
The factory made them too wide
For their lamps and they tried
To trim every thick to a thin wick.
--- Silvia S Crockett P0104

Said an old lady pickling figs
To another one nickeling wigs:
"Aren't we fickle
To nickel and pickle
When we could have been tickling pigs?"
--- Cyber Geezer

If a man pickling figs is a pickler,
And for nickeling wigs was a stickler,
And he tickled a pig
Would he then be a big
Wig-nickeling, fig-pickling, pig-tickler?
--- Cyber Geezer

A penman who penned pentatettes
Was panned for his punned epithets.
Penned he to his panners,
"It isn't good manners
Panning penmen unpenning pent pets."
--- Bob Giandomenico P8712

A limerick writer named Symes
Said, "I'm so frustrated at times:
I can do -ock and -uck,
But with -unt I get stuck.
I'm really quite hopeless with rhymes."
--- Linda Marsh Coll

A half-poet Frenchman speaks strange;
Ungoverned, he tends to derange
His thoughts through his sinuses,
Achieving two minuses,
And so rearranges 'orange.'
--- Tom Bishop

There once was a man, who though hated,
An expert in citrus was rated.
Once I gave him an orange,
He: one sniff, then "Tis foreign J-
affa is where it originated.
--- Dennis Jesperson

There once was a Scotsman on Venus
Whose jewels were a joke. Just between us
He hid 'neath his sporran j-
uicy fruit such as orange,
And cherries he'd plucked with his penis.
--- Anon

A poet found he could no more enj-
oy rhyming his limericks, for ing-
enuity failed him;
This sad fact assailed him:
In English there's no rhyme for orange.
--- Godling's Glossary P9808

My name is King Willy of Orange.
My dick ne'er again shall go whoringe.
I've lost my prepuce.
The tips all chartreuse.
You see, it's been smashed in a door hinge.
--- H Welchel

Well, it's yawn, and it's "ho" and it's "hum" again;
It's slow and that challenge has come again.
As I've mentioned before, eng-
ineers can't rhyme orange;
So this dropout will have to write some again.
--- Anon

I suppose that I'll risk sounding boring; G-
ee whiz, what is left but adoring? J-
ust allow me a paean
To my dear lima bean --
Love'n'kisses, your fond, Navel Orange.
--- Robin K Willoughby P8412

An eccentric lover of oranges
Extracts their juice with syringes
His doors used to squeak
But now they just leak
'Cos he's put all the juice in the door hinges.
--- Anon

A xenophobic lover of oranges
Met a girl who gave his heart twinges
The girl was called Jez
Jezebel, so he says
But he said 'Go away 'cause you're foreign Jez'
--- Anon

A gun-toting chap called Scott J
Often ate much lemon parfait.
It tasted so good,
He thought that he should
Hold a parfait soiree on Tuesday.
--- Anon

Pickled pepper picker Peter Piper
Pined to pack his pecker in a porker
He poked a porkers pucker
With his pickle pickers pecker
Now he's Peter Piper Porker Pucker Poker.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

So huge the appetite of Phil,
No filled full plate should Phil full fill.
(Full Phil meant --
So Phil filled plates until fulfilled.
--- Irving Superior P8402

Said a fellow from North Philadelphia
To his sweetheart, "I'm glad that I felphia--
And now I've been sacked,
I'm quite pleased by the fact
That you don't mind my being on welphia!"
--- Norm Storer

This is file kol

A pert pepper-picker named Bickle,
Picked the pick of her peppers to pickle.
But the peppers she picked
Were so pebbled and nicked,
That she peddled her pick for a nickel.
--- Lims Unlimited

Old Webster turned plough into plow,
So why not a bough into bow,
And rough into ruff,
And tough into tuff
And certainly cough into cow.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Some people claim no rhyme for pregnant,
But rulers on thrones must be regnant.
So do not despair
Or pull out your hair,
Or jump in the pond, you'll get stegnant.
--- Tiddy Ogg

I have strayed very far from my home.
I have travelled from Moscow to Rome.
I have learned to say "some"
And to rhyme it with "come."
But please tell me how to say "loam."
--- Al Willis

I really don't like to exhume
An old argument, but I assume
That you want the truth:
Unless you're uncouth,
You will say it to rhyme well with "bloom."
--- John Miller

Loam is wunna doze woids
Done all kindsa ways by us noids.
Some say loam,
Can be swept widda broom,
But the loam in my home's fulla toids.
--- Irish

When I eat ripe grapes that are purple,
My long-lasting, bad-smelling burp'll
Near rival the farts
Of H's fine arts,
For endurance, loudness and squirple.
--- Anon

If you're in a bar, then some twerp'll
Tell you a hiccup or burp'll
Cause cramp in the toes,
And a wart on your nose,
And then turn your genitals purple.
--- Anon

He called it his own rhesus thesis:
To give all the apes reese's Pieces.
Because, if you don't
It won't become wont,
To stifle the apes' recess sneezes.
--- Dick Ford

To rhyme orange, you'll find is unreal,
So the effort is lacking appeal.
You'll do well, I deduce,
If you rhyme with the juice,
Or perhaps find a rhyme with the peel.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2827

I have a canary who'll chirp all
Day long when he knows Wyatt Earp'll
Be on the TV
In a film and you see,
He will chirp till he turns himself purple.
--- Peter W

A speedy young collie named Rick
Collects sticks from the hicks as his trick.
He finds on his climb
Half a dozen each time.
See how quick, slick Rick picks six sticks.
--- Anon

Sage, sorry about the mistake!
It was an honest mistake -
Ooops! I did it again!
I'm living in sin!
A flogging I will have to take!
--- Jim Weaver Collection

A sailor by the name of C. Phelp
Was ensnarled in a sea of sea kelp.
The poor fellow died,
Because no one tried
To rescue C. Phelp or seek help.
--- Tom Patton P9803

Regarding the question of shagfest,
And finding a rhyme such as fragfest,
I'm reminded of Gulliver
Who settled in Dulliver,
A suburb outside Brobdingnag West.
--- Anon

As rhymes for shagfest and fragfest,
Let's look for the place that is best
We would be blessed
With old Budapest
But I'd rather be warm in Key West!
--- Anon

A porn actor, Long Jonathan Silver,
When putting it all in you Jill, ver
-Balized she was sweet,
When taking his meat
And he'd never yet gotten his fill 'ver.
--- Paul Dukas

Six Sikhs asked the steward to fix
Them a nice little stew at 6:06,
But the wind blew a gale
And they rushed to the rail,
For six Sikhs were seasick at 6:06.
--- P8209

Mrs Malaprop, known near and far,
Confused nouns in a fashion bizarre.
To her a soup tureen
Became a "soup latrine."
Seminar she pronounced, "samovar."
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0011

A street-sweeper swept a steep street
That was sleek with a slick sheet of sleet;
His feet did a flip
On a freshly swept strip,
And he slid down the street on his seat.
--- Lims Unlimited

There was a young Jap in a syndicate,
Who refused, his opinions to vindicate.
He stoutly denied
That his statements implied
What they seem on the surface to indicate.
--- Peter Mathieson

When Terry asked Mary to marry,
Prudent Mary asked Terry to tarry.
To vary from Norm
Would be very bad form!
And, Marry! Too merry for Mary.
--- Laurence Perrine P8405

A swift thistle-sifter can sift
Scarcely sixty-six thistles per shift,
For the stickly stiff bristles
That stick from thick thistles,
Set the unsifted thistles adrift.
--- Lims Unlimited

With money, the writer was tight,
But at tying knots he was all right.
For when he wore a shoe,
You knew it was true,
That the tight writer tied it right tight.
--- Keith Gilman P0109 P0107

How should warnings be passively aired,
"Now it's March?...Let the Ides be bewared!"
Or "the Ides be beworn!"
You can see that I'm torn...
Oh excuse me... should I have said teared?
--- Prof M-G TP9802

It's no trick to fix wicks or mix wax;
I'm sick of thick chicks in slick slacks;
For kicks, I stack sticks,
Pick flax, or pack bricks,
Sack tacks, or axe ticks, or track yaks.
--- Lims Unlimited

My clock said "eleven to two"
But my wife said "That just will not do!"
"You're 9 minutes off!"
She said with a scoff,
So I turned it to two to two, too.
--- Anon

A rater who worked in a mine,
The states metal ranks to assign,
Said: "If you're looking for silver
You may seek though you will, Ver-
monts at the end of the line."
--- Dennis Jespersen

Blushed young Chinese maiden, Minerva,
"Confucius well knows I deserve a
Gold award from my folks,
For the cruelest ofjokes:
They named me to rhyme with my verva.

(Chinese have problems with "l" and "r")
--- Armand Singer

A recalcitrant milk-maid named May
Was expelled from the dairy one day,
For her milk product sales,
With her thumb on the scales,
Which they said was no way to weigh whey.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9504

There once was a Halloween witch,
Who tickled King George with a switch.
The bailiff said, "Dear,
I'd cut off your ear,
If I knew which witch used the switch."
--- Vertech Limerick Contest

That bottle of perfume that Willie sent
Was highly displeasing to Millicent.
Her thanks were so cold,
They quarreled, I'm told,
Over that silly scent Willie sent Millicent.
--- Anon

That sexy gal, Hannah Witkowski,
Adores the tunes of Tchaikovsky;
"When I'm feeling glum,
Swan Lake makes me come,
Especially when played by Stokowski!"
--- Ward Hardman