There was an old bag called Witkowski,
Whose husband was nowt but a mouski.
She filled her pajamas
With camels and llamas,
And even the odd brace of grouski.
--- Tiddy Ogg

The wife of young Peter Witkowski
Was sadly a total bowwowski;
But, lucky for Pete,
She could lather his meat,
When hitched to the front of the plowski.
--- Hugh Clary

There was an old bag named Witkowski,
Who hobnobbed around with the toffski.
She was so athletic
And men so pathetic,
That usually she broke it offski.
--- Tiddy Ogg

A foreigner said, "I have heard
Your language is really absurd.
The spelling is weird,
Much worse than I feared,
For word rhymes with bird, nerd or turd."
--- Linda Marsh Coll

A Southerner, reading the Bahble,
Said, "These names sure are tough. Ah'm just lahble
To throw up. The sound
Goes around and around.
And Ah EMphasize the wrong sylLAble.
--- Liam na Baeg

A strapping young fellow named Hugh
A yew tree was starting to hew.
A lass passing by,
To capture his eye,
Cried out, "You who yew hew, yoo-hoo."
--- Irving Superior P9112a

Entertaining some friends that were rowdies,
They were greeted by Betty with howdies.
When her baking went flat,
She was stoic, 'cause that
Is the way that the apple pan dowdies.
--- Hugh Clary

Smoking good stuff that sells by the ounce,
Better watch it; the narks just might pounce.
In that case, cop a plea;
You might say, "Hell, why me?"
That's the way that the ball's gonna bounce!
--- Allen Wolverton

The question is: Why do we say
"The cat's got your tongue", s'il vois plait?
You're bashful, it's clear
But Bo@aSH, we hear,
Is Hebrew for polecat today.

A student of sayings named Rex
Collected these gems about sex:
Dry lips but moist twat,
Red head - hot to trot,
And no chicks can flick like a Mex.
--- Armand Singer

Here's a go-ahead chance; grandstand rumnbles;
First and goal, then the home team just fumbles!
There, the whole football game
Just got blown; what a shame!
That's the way that the old cookie crumbles!
--- Allen Wolverton

Sexy Dawn, the acclaimed queen of porn,
Did a scene with a love, on park lawn.
Though it started in the dark,
Guys hung around the park;
They wanted to see the crack of Dawn.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun

When you're angry, and lost sight of your goal,
Seeing problems, not an absolute whole,
Don't hold it in,
As it's not a sin.
See, cursing is good for the soul!
--- Kirk van Koeverden

Frustrations make men curse and hollar,
They make us hot under the collar;
If we say words shady,
In front of some lady,
We should always give them a dollar.
--- Anon

Some English words make me suspicious;
They seem to me odd and capricious.
I pondered for long
About ding (hyphen) dong;
Why the last part girls find so delicious.
--- Anon

The "N" word's as bad as the "C's"
And I know that some others don't please;
But be careful 'cause
Down south here in Oz,
We eat "Coon" favorite cheese.
--- Q

To the florist's, I went on my bike:
"Anemones Erm sure would like."
"Well, why not palm fronds;
I sell lots to blondes,"
Said he. I replied "Take a hike!"
--- Tiddy Ogg

"These flowers are sweet; bring back memories.
One bloom is far better than ten of these."
The florist insists:
"Put these in your fist.
With fronds like these, who needs anemones."
--- Tiddy Ogg

I replied as I left for the cinema:
"Take this pot-plant, "Dryoperis minima"
And insert its stolon!
It'll clear out your colon.
With ferns like these, who needs an enema.
--- Martin Rand

One evening, not far from Juneau,
A crone inched her way through the snow.
As we stood by in awe,
She enacted, we swore,
Her tribe's mantra - go with the floe.
--- Esther Koch P0900

Disappearing while I was away;
Returning, you've now made my day.
It's good you are back.
Perhaps we'll attack
Those Websters and have some wordplay.
--- Anon

When "head over heels" doesn't fit,
Some people say "arse over tit".
But I hope that my spiel,
Is a bit more genteel,
I'll say "base over apex"...that's it!
--- Bob Hogg P0606

The unanswered question of ages
Confounded both scholars and sages.
Though thousands have tried
The answer's denied
Not found in most erudite pages.
--- L E Ott P0205

After many futile discourses
And searching of learned resources,
The question, dear Jenny:
Why are there so many
More horses' asses than horses?
--- L E Ott P0205

Well "be" is acceptable, see?
In West England, they often use "be".
A favourite phrase
For hot summer days,
Is "Well I be buggered", you see?
--- Anon

For twits who mix up it's and its.
Here's how to hit on which one fits:
It has and it is
Needs apostrophes,
But in its (possessive) none sits.
--- Jarmo

A thief in his run from the cops
Lost his hair in the it drops;
The cops found his toupee;
Caught the thief the same day.
Thief's in jail...that's the way the mop flops.
--- Travis Brasell

There was a young man from Prestatyn,
Who fancied he ought to learn Latin.
He said, "I shall speak
Of my hatred of leek,
But the Welsh don't have words to put that in."
--- Richard Long

When the flag factory failed to hire,
The young man made some threats that were dire.
"I'll hang your warehouse contents
On your old cyclone fence;
I don't want to set the world on fire."
--- Tom Patton P0900

The people who live in glass houses
Should watch what they do with their spouses.
Don't smoke outlawed grasses,
Throw stones or break glasses,
And for God's sake, don't take off your trousers.
--- Graham Lester

Who cares if they're odd or tongue-twistery?
Archaisms add to the mystery
Of English, say I.
Thou wouldst banish them? Fie!
And gadzooks. Hast thou no sense of history?
--- Anon

When a G.I. malaise makes one droopy,
Passing gas can release something soupy.
Know, this nasty surprise
Even catches the wise.
That's the way that the pillow will whoopie!
--- Allen Wolverton

Escaping by rooftop, McCall
Swore arrogant vengeance on all.
But lions, ornamental,
Caught his foot in their dentals,
And Pride, as is known, precedes Fall.
--- Heather McCabe

This is file knl

There was a young girlie called Jane
From a little-known village in Spain,
Who enjoyed it with force
From her favorite horse,
Which she kept on a rein on the plain.
--- Peter Wilkins

There was a young lady of Zenda,
Whose speech was so pure and so tender,
That she said to her beau:
'Down to Richmond we'll go
Where we'll dine at the "Star and Suspender".
--- Explosion Of Lims P0101

Concerning young "Callie The Mystic",
Here's an interesting vital statistic.
While she's quite wan and pale
And remarkably frail,
Callie's super but yet fragilistic.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0102

A chappie who came from Traverse
Tried teaching a Mick to converse.
But oh! What a curse!,
It worked in reverse,
Now he goes around babbling Erse.
--- Arthur Deex P0212

A chappie who came from Pike's Peak
Tried to teach a wee mousie to speak.
But oh what a curse,
It worked in reverse,
Now he goes around going 'Squeek.'
--- Arthur Deex P0212

A chappie from old Billingsgate
Tried to teach a young nun to debate.
But oh what a curse,
It worked in reverse,
Now he's silent and quite celibate.
--- Arthur Deex P0212

Now there once was a writer named Whitty,
Dearly needing his prose to sound witty,
Or near pornographic,
At least epitaphic,
But the best he came up with: "Tough Titty."
--- Armand Singer

There's a neophyte Wall Street investor,
Bought a stock on a tip from some jester.
It was once blue chip,
Now blue flies buzz and drip.
That the way that the yogurt will fester.
--- Allen Wolverton

Cold-cuts can cause clogged conditions,
Cholesterol-concerned citizens.
Could cancer culminate
Causing certain complaint?
Consult circumbiant clinicians.
--- Anon

Ants assemble at arms and advance
Against apes all absconding askance.
After aardvarks arrive
Antsy apes, all alive,
Assert, Arrogant antsholes are ants!
--- David A Brooks

Besting bull-butchers, Blossom believes,
Best begins before blade breath bereaves.
Because butcheries ban
Breathed beef, Bloss began
Buying bulls before bulls became beeves.
--- David A Brooks

One frore gelid night on the staithe,
Came two with a reave caught a-rathe;
To the void picaroon
They crowed, "Now, picayune,
Your day shall begin with a bathe!"

(all good English words - McW)
--- Anon

There is an old man of La Jolla,
With a habit that's sure to anolla.
Before tellin a joke,
He'll give you a poke,
And remark, "This will really destrolla."
--- Anon

In Bristol, as many will tell,
They speak not the way that they spell.
Words ending with A
Or with O, they will say
As though there's a following L.
--- Anon

This woman who hailed from St. Croix,
Gave birth to wee tiny boy
Weighing less than five grams,
Four scruples, three drams,
They named the small guy, "Avoirdupois!"
--- Laurence Craft

There once was a ewe and a yew,
Causing queries for you in a queue.
"Which one is for eats,
And which one for seats,
And why is the spelling askew?"
--- Bill Backe-Hansen P8402

The poor foreigners haven't a clue
To the spelling of words like a "gnu",
Or the sounding a "word"
To be rhymed off with "heard".
Can you think of a crazier brew?
--- Bill Backe-Hansen P8402

The user of one simple "u"
Must be spell-bound by such a wild zoo.
If he can be all right
With the letters for "write",
He ought to be put in Who's Who.
--- Bill Backe-Hansen P8402

Overheard at a nice coffee shop,
A blond as she played with her sop.
"Now isn't it swell;
Banana I spell
And even know when I should stop."
--- Anon

There once was a fellow named Pugh
On spelling; he hadn't a clue.
When asked, was he fit?
He replied with great wit,
"Well those classes, I've been to a phew!"
--- Doug Harris P0503

Some people criticise my spelling,
But they're the ones that need telling:
'Tis they who mis-spell,
I'm from the UK, can't you tell?
Not everyone's from the same dwelling!
--- Anon

A dizzy young lady named Patti
When asked how to spell Cincinnati
Said, "First you sin twice,
Then it's natty, that's nice!"
How could anyone be quite so scatty?
--- Dick Hedger

Aim aid din Abe you teepee raid
Haddock cost tomb inn witchy Dis played
Al ursine aweigh
Two inn, "Hippy ray!"
Diddle Ottoman scree, "Mitts sew Kay!"
--- John Coultard P0606

A maid in a beauty parade
Had a costume in which she displayed
Allures in a way
To win, "Hip Hooray!"
Did a lot o' men scream, "It's okay!"
--- John Coultard P0606

A certified poet with a cough,
Whose methods of rhyming were tough,
Remarked, 'I declare!
The same letters are there
And if that's not enough I'll sough.'
--- Arthur Deex P0206

I knew that her birthday was nearing.
I made lots of dough, racketeering.
While I never could spell,
She was grateful as hell,
When I gave her a fine DOMINEERING.
--- Al Willis

In Wales, "ff's" are "dd's".
To taper odd a whore's fees,
Insert your studd
Head first in her mudd,
And diffle her till she agrees.
--- Ericka A

When in Wales I will do what you say...
I go in head first anyway!
'Bout "diffie" not sure...
Involves a detour?
Will she likely cry, "Ouch!" and "Foul Play!"?
--- Tutta Gioia

Dear Mr. Webster, perkolate!
And just one more -- inkorporate!
(The odds that he'll make
This change for my sake,
I will not even speckulate.)
--- Irving Superior P8801

My teachers, through life, always taught
That logic should always be sought.
But then I just laughed
When I spelled the word "draught."
I think I shall soon be distraught.
--- Al Willis P9512

The linguists pronounce the word "draught"
The same as they say the word "draft."
And then they say "comb,"
And rhyme it with "home."
You'll forgive me, those guys are quite daft.
--- Al Willis

Whenever we say the word, 'shoes,'
It sounds a bit like the word 'lose.'
But the word 'hose'
Is different, God nose.
This language will drive me to booze.
--- Al Willis

An exiled Iraqi went back
To his home with a ewe in his pack.
He said people all knew
Every Q needs a U
So he put the ewe back in Iraqu.
--- Ogden Nash P0306

A word-shy young man from High Wycombe
Thought the language was made just to trick him.
Once, struggling with vowels,
He opened his bowels,
And cursing all linguists, cried "Fick 'em!
--- Jim Weaver Collection