The singular also means two --
Without any change you get plu-
Ral. But, you can choose
'Twixt gnu or gnus.
Is this stuff that you already gnew?
--- Doug Harris P0604

Here's a puzzle designed to perplex:
Why must English always be complex...
Like spelling Grand Prix
With simply an 'e'
Instead of an 'i' and an 'x'?
--- Stu Lucas P9512

I learned to right English reel well.
At speling, I also excell.
I got my acumen
From good ole Ed Newman,
But I no from my pomes you can tell.
--- Al Willis TP9802

Such nonsense has never been heard;
The rules always change with each word.
I spell the word "beard,"
But it sounds just like "leered,"
And check the first line, it's absurd.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Two mouses are called some mice,
And two louses are called some lice.
One must pause and ponder,
Sit, think, and wonder
Why two houses are not some hice.
--- William K Alsop Jr

At long last my Spell Checker's come clean;
I can demonstrate just what I mean.
It maintains, don't you see,
I does not follow E,
i.e., there's weir, weird, also codeine.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0207

There was a young man of Dunleary
Who pronounced an interesting theory:
That the language of Erse
Has a shortage of verse
As the spelling makes poets so weary.
--- Anon

The possessive of it is just its,
But its usage gives people the fits.
They expect to see
An apostrophe,
But you shorten it when it's it's.

(discovered by Harry Themal in New York Times)
--- Robert J Bagley P9901

There was a young lady from Leicester
Whom young Peter used to pester.
One day she got mad,
Got hold of the lad,
And he still has some wounds that fester.
--- R Rezel

Be careful when spelling Louise,
Or you're likely to get the big freeze.
You dare spell it Louse
And she'll do more than grouse;
You'll hang by the balls from the trees.
--- Anon

"The past tense of pay is still "paid."
And the past tense of lay is still "laid."
(My teacher, by chance,
Has arrived her from France.)
"It makes perfect cents," teacher sayed.
--- Al Willis

My kyboard has on missing ky.
I couldn't car lss, as you'll s.
But why should I grip ?
As long as I typ
A po m that rhym s to a t ?
--- Anon

If it flies through the air, it's a missle;
And if it's a bird, it's a missel.
With this language I play.
For reform I must pray.
Now where in the hell is my missal?
--- Jim Weaver Collection

A teacher whose spelling's unique
Thus wrote down the "Days of the Wique":
The first he spelt "Sonday,"
The second day, "Munday" --
And now a new teacher they sique.
--- Charles Battell Loomis

He's THE Dali Lama, I hear.
I shout hooray and give a cheer!
Oh, dear -- not that kind?
Sigh -- spelling I find
Requires more than a good ear.
--- Anon

There was a young chappie named Cholmondely,
Who always at dinner sat dumbly.
His fair partner said
As he crumbled his bread,
"Dear me! You behave very rumly."
--- Punch 1896 P0312

I pro-cured a new dic-tion-ary
To en-hance my vo-cab-u-lary.
My pro-nun-ci-a-tion
Is swee-ping the na-tion.
These dash-es are un-nec-ess-ary.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

They do help me keep to the me-ter
And have made my lim-er-icks swee-ter.
Al-though lines are long-er,
My rhy-ming is strong-er;
My me-ter has ne-ver been nea-ter
--- Jim Weaver Collection

A teacher was once heard to yell:
"Silence! You bastards from hell!"
A young punk up front
Remarked with a grunt,
"Science, you twit, has no 'L'."
--- Anon

Why don't we pronounce steak like steek,
Like week, for example, or beak.
But No! we say steak,
As in bake me a cake.
So let's throw this whole mess in the creak.
--- Brandy Brandon P9410

Whatever happened to Pete?
He's dragging his limerick feet;
Too busy to lurk,
On accout of his work,
And impossible deadlines to meet.
--- Peter Wilkins

This evening he's staring aghast
At mountainous paperwork vast;
A hundred and two
Or so projects all due
By the end of the week before last.
--- Peter Wilkins

What, frightened of deadlines? Not I!
Everybody should give them a try.
The best thing I've found
Is the strange whooshing sound
They all make as they go flashing by.
--- Simon Drew

I don't believe that for a seque.
That Peter's a slacker, by heque!
He naps in his chair
And billls them for air,
Then merrily cashes the cheque.
--- Ericka

Yes, Peter, with pomp and panache,
Engages to romp in his stache,
And loves every minute
Of geing there inute,
Just like when he's chequing his cache!
--- Travis

By 'eque you're a cynical lacht;
The cheque that I cache ain't so hacht
For slaving away
Like a dog every day...
Why it don't even pay for my yacht.
--- Peter Wilkins

Robert Baston was talking to me,
On how the alphabet should be.
"Some use twenty six
But they get in a fix.
So I only use t, tau, and T.
--- Oxford Limericks

When I'm looking for rhymes, I find "curse"
And a differed spelling for "hearse."
It's all so perverse,
I can hardly converse.
This language can't ever get worse!
--- Al Willis

Physics, a science of phun;
Its spelling will leave you undone.
Not just phor me
But even phor thee;
It's trouble phor everyone.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Speaking of names, Old Galoot,
I want to say something re "Knut":
If you go to Norway
You MUST sound the "K":
Say ca-NUTE or ka-NOOT, but not NEWT.
--- Bill Edwards P9105

A certified poet from Slough,
Whose methods of rhyming were rough,
Retorted, 'I see
That the letters agree
And if that's not enough I'm through.'
--- Terse Verse P0206

Now speaking of shit you can't spell,
That Polski is tricky as hell.
I don't think it's easy
To say s-z-c-z,
Or smart to write W as L.
--- Anon

I'll tell you the story of Verity;
That girl shed her clothes with celerity,
For any who swore
They'd be hers every more...
Yes, she put the sin in sincerity.
--- Tiddy Ogg

This is file kml

Her husband would never misfire,
And they had enough kids for a choir;
His strength was prolific,
And they say it's specific:
It was he, put the sire in desire.
--- Hugh Clary

There was a young lady from Slough
Who last year developed a cough.
She wasn't to know
It would last until now.
Let's hope the poor girl will pull through.
--- Kevin Hale

A tourist who toured Elkhorn Slough
Saw a tree that was covered with dough.
He heard a faint cough
From doves that were tough
And was shocked by their most hearty bough.
--- Arthur Deex P0504

To scatter some seed is to sow.
A needle is used but to sew.
If you have been taught
That this means a lot,
Then you are a square so-and-so.
--- Al Willis TP9806

All speedwriting masters admit
That their English professors threw fits.
The thrust of my thesis
Is, f u cn rd ths,
U knw u cnt spl wrth a sht!
--- Anon

Ah'm lukin fo "spell cheque"... cain't sae yit...
Mayks noe nevah minde... cude thet bae yit?
Ah pooshed aon thet buttin
Yit's betchin baut nuttin'
Thayz 'pooters cain't spayll wuhth uh shee-yit
--- Anon

A spelling reformer indicted
For fudge, was before the court cited.
The judge said, "Enough,
Your candle we'll snough,
Your sepulchre shall not be wighted."

(wite - pay a fine)
--- Ambrose Bierce

How British talk is quite jolly;
For Cholmondalay they say Cholly.
But I'm damned if I see
How Trottiscliffe is Trosley,
And Magdalene's Maudlin? 'Tis folly!
--- Warrick Elrod

Explain your use of an asterisk.
Do you feel you'd be taking a risk,
If you spelled out fuck,
Then what about suck?
Are you afraid someone would say "tsk tsk?"
--- Anon

An English teacher under duress,
Asked why I would increase her stress.
It's no anomaly,
That invariably,
You'd prefer double d's in address.
--- Anon

A curious lad from Versailles
Once asked of his schoolteacher, whailles
Spelling pagned his braign seau,
But she just didn't kneaux,
So she thrioux up her hands with a sailles.
--- Anon

Young Dick, always eager to eat,
Denied stealing the fish eggs, whereat
Caning him for a liar,
His pa ate the caviar
And left Dickie digesting the caveat.
--- Oulipo P0604

The sound of an "n" as in "knife",
It usually causes me strife.
In "pneumonia", it's dumb.
We say "gnaw" but how come
In English, this weird stuff is rife.
--- Al Willis

My very good friends in Cormeilles (Cormay)
Live rather a long way aweilles--
I must leave on a plane,
Or a ferry, or train,
To see them whenever I meilles!
--- E Fox

The girlfriend of that whirling dervish,
Was feeling so tense and so nervish;
'Cause he'd run around
With those fast girls in town,
A fate that she didn't deservish.
--- Tiddy Ogg

A small boy when asked to spell "yacht,"
Most saucily said, "I will nacht."
So his teacher in wrath,
Took a section of lath,
And warmed him up well, on the spacht.
--- Anon

Sir Jester, what can you be after,
With your silly snickers and laughter?
You'll not drive me frantic
With your comedian antic,
I may be daft, but you're daughter.
--- A W Edwards P9112

A litigious irascible Sioux
Once slipped and fell into a sault.
When a friend gave him succor,
The onery sucker
Growled, "I'll find who's to blame and I'll sue!"
--- A N Wilkins P9112

A boy at Sault Ste. Marie
Said, 'Spelling is all Greek to me,
Till they learn to spell "Soo"
Without any "U"
Or an "A" or an "L" or a "T"!'
--- Anon

An Indian maiden, a Sioux,
As tempting as a fresh honeydioux,
Liked to show off her knees,
As she strolled past tepees,
And hear the braves holler, "Wioux, Wioux!"
--- Anon

I have never laid eyes on a Sioux,
A Kinkajioux, Ziouxlioux, or gnioux;
I suspect that such rhymes
Are conceived in bad thymes,
By people with nothing to dioux.
--- Limber Limericks

Now what in the world shall we dioux
With the bloody and murderous Sioux,
Who some time ago
Took arrow and bow
And raised such a hellabelioux?
--- Eugene Fields

A wandering tribe called the Siouxs,
Wear moccasins, having no shiouxs.
They are made of buckskin,
With the fleshy side in,
Embroidered with beads of bright hyiouxs.
--- Carolyn Wells

When out on the warpath, the Siouxs,
March single file, never by tiouxs,
And by blazing the trees
Can return at their ease,
And their way through the forests ne'er liouxs.
--- Carolyn Wells

All new-fashioned boats he exchiouxs,
And uses the birch-bark caniouxs;
They are handy and light,
And, inverted at night,
Give shelter from storms and from dyiouxs.
--- Carolyn Wells

The principal food of the Siouxs,
Is Indian maize, which they briouxs,
And hominy make.
Or mix in a cake,
And eat it with forks, as they chiouxs.
--- Carolyn Wells

Now doesn't this spelling look ciouxrious?
'Tis enough to make anyone fiouxrious.
So a word to the wise!
Pray our language revise,
With orthography not so injiouxrious.
--- Charles F Adams

Minnehaha was a beautiful Sioux.
With her chief, she sure loved to screw.
She lived up in the Sault;
He lived there too.
And then she lost him. Boo hoo!
--- Ed Wolfert P8405

Because limerick writers tease Sioux
By misspelling Sioux words like canioux,
They loathe our poor rhymes
And have warned me three times
That the tomahawk's used by Sioux tioux.
--- David A Brooks

The letter who calls herself "A"
Is a slutty old letter, they say;
For, never like "B",
Or like "C", or like "D",
She can always be found in a lay.
--- Cap'n Bean P0606

Forbidden, forsworn, and abjured;
Can I think of a more obscure word?
With thesaurus at hand,
I think, "ampersand",
But to "steatopygia" I'm lured.
--- Dan Parslow

Etymologist, aging Max Budd's
Word interest rushed from flow to flood.
He asked who, among seers
Guessed the passage of years
Gave new meaning to the phrase, 'draw blood'?
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0507

Mimi, a mischievous monkey
Dressed up to look like a Hunky.
She wore a babushka,
We called her Petrouchka,
And sneakers she put on her donkey.
--- Nancy Henry-Kline P9306