Joe's restaurant's best on the street!
He's croissants and omelettes to eat;
And though he has oodles
Of Japanese noodles,
Speak English or die toute de suite!
--- John Miller

His business is going downhill;
Folk come in, their bellies to fill,
They then Spanish spout;
He orders them out...
They go glad that they've not paid the bill.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Perhaps this seems narrow and hateful
But Geno's is probably grateful
To send the Spics packing
With bill payment lacking,
Before they have scarfed up a plateful.
--- John Miller

An old geezer in White River Junction
Declared, "I am full of defunction!"
When I said, "That's absurd,
You have used the wrong word,"
He said, "Then I'm full of flambunction!"
--- Limber Limericks

There was an old man called Fred
Who had flowers growing out of his head.
When his friends became sickly,
He'd run around quickly
And stand in a vase by the bed.
--- Anon

There once was a person of Benin,
Who wore clothes not fit to be seen in;
When told that he shouldn't,
He replied, "Gumscrumrudent!"
A word of inscrutable meanin'.
--- Archie

There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post.
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold,
And called for some hot buttered toast.
--- Edward Leer

G'uggery G'uggery Nunc
Your room is all cluttered with junk.
Candles, bamboonery,
Plush and saloonery-
Pack it all up in a trunk.
--- Sir John Betjaman

A religious young miner named Moses,
Contracted pneumono-ultramicroscopic-silico-volcano-coniosis

Made him feel supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.
--- Anon

There one was an African Mau-Mau
Who got into a rather bad row-row.
The cause of the friction
Was his practicing diction,
Saying, "How-how now-now brown-brown cow-cow."
--- Anon

Now monks, they all live in a monastery,
So drunks should reside in a dronastery.
Bunks rest in a bonastery,
Junks sail in a jonastery,
And girls, you'll find hunks in a honastery.
--- Tiddy Ogg

There was a young Russian named Bowski,
Who called his apartment his howski.
His gum he called chewski,
His cow, moo-moo-mooski,
And his little dog, bow-wow-wow-wowski.

(I wonder who writes this shit - McW)
--- Anon

There was an illiterate Pole,
Spoke one word of English, poor soul.
He spent every day
Watching football, they say,
For his one word of English was "Goal!"
--- Spike Mulligan

There was an illiterate Hun,
Spoke one word of English, just one.
He spent every day
Watching football, they say,
For his one word of English was 'Run!'
--- Arthur Deex

There was an illiterate Slovak,
Spoke one word of English, the maniac.
He spent every day
Watching football, they say,
For his one word of English was 'Sack!'
--- Arthur Deex

There was an illiterate Mick,
Spoke one word of English, the hick.
He spent every day
Watching football, they say,
For his one word of English was 'Kick!'
--- Arthur Deex

There was an illiterate Kraut,
Spoke but two words of English, poor lout.
He spent every day
Watching football, they say,
For his two English words were 'Time Out!'
--- Arthur Deex

He ranted 'bout privilege and status,
Then stopped in a sudden hiatus.
While searching his notes,
Folk reached for their coats,
And pelted the fool with tomatus.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Muse on the fate of the Aztek,
Addicted to chewing on mastic.
He jaw grew so loose,
He could only produce
Sounds that were totally spastic.
--- Timothy Torkildson

There once was a letter called tau
But no-one could figure out how
Some people were sure
It was pronounced 'tor',
But arguements still persist now.
--- Anon

--- Anon

There was an old man from Fort Drum,
Whose son was incredibly dumb.
When he urged him ahead,
He went down instead,
For he thought to succeed meant succumb.
--- G0850

A new dramatist of the absurd
Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
I learn from my spies,
He's about to devise
An unprintable three-letter word.
--- Ogden Nash P9602

There once was a Vassar B.A.
Who pondered the problem all day,
Of what there would be
If C-U-N-T
Were divided by C-O-C-K.
--- L0910

A young Ph.D. passing by,
She gave him the problem to try.
He worked the division
With perfect precision,
And the answer was B-A-B-Y.
--- L0911

On Thursdays we give infants away;
Doorstep babies -- their moms went astray.
They're bright, healthy, drug-free;
Each one needs TLC.
Wannabe parents? We'll meet you halfway.
--- Esther Koch

It's only my personal view,
For I love little babies -- I do!
But they all look the same
Till they're older, I claim;
Then they bear no resemblance to you.
--- Karen

"Oh the darling, her nose and her eyes;
Or his willy, if one of those guys;
Are like Grandma Sharon's
Or Grandpappy Darren's,
Until it starts pooing and cries.
--- Karen

Your granddaughter's really a beaut;
I've not seen anything so cute.
What's covering her
Is expensive fur,
And she smiles with the biggest of tooth
--- Anon

A limerick writer from Dallas
Produced quints by fast work with his phallus.
The first was named Art,
Then Andy, then Bart,
Followed by Bruno and Alice.
--- Michael Weinstein P8505

Charlie Walker went to the house of St. Pauls.
There he saw a woman with great big balls.
He gave her a shilling but she was not willing.
He gave her a pound and she lay on the ground.
He gave her a slap and she opened her gap.

In went Charlie's Union Jack
--- Anon

Three months later all was well.
Six months later, she began to swell.
Nine months later, Charlie got a shock;
The boy was born without a cock.
Ladies and Gentlemen that's not all;

The boy had only one ball.
--- Anon

Have you heard of the baby of yore?
Well, no one knew what is was for,
And being afraid,
It might be mislaid,
They put it away in a drawer.

(What is this one about? It makes no sense. - McW)
--- P9507

This is file kll

A baby in Kalamazoo,
Remarked quite distinctly, "Goo-goo."
'Twas explained by his ma,
And likewise his pa,
That he meant to say "How do you do?"
--- Anon

My day of birth, I nearly died.
Outside the womb a voice yelled "Wide!"
But being immature
And therefore not too sure,
I thought the voice was yelling "Hide!"
--- Irving Superior P9509

There once was a baby named Pete
Who couldn't yet stand on his feet.
To the window he'd cling
Till his mother would spring
And put him back under the sheet.
--- PayPete1st

His baby was born rather late;
Four pounds was the actual weight.
The kid was so thin,
It caused him chagrin.
He barely recovered his bait.
--- Al Willis P9703A

Baby sucks on his cute little thumb
As he lies on his sweet little tum.
He is so well-intentioned,
He hates when it's mentioned,
He pukes on his poor little mum.
--- David A Brooks Q

Congrats John, she sounds like a winner
A wonderful match for you, sinner
A soft little thing
Who makes your heart sing
While throwing up all of her dinner!
--- Anon

When the baby is put in its bath,
It splashes around for a laugh.
As mummy gets wild
And scolds the young child,
It increases its splashing by half.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

Said a pretty young mammy in Padua,
To her master, "Please, sir, you're a dadua.
I've come up for some pins,
For to wrap up the twins,
And to hear you remark, sir, how gladua."
--- Anon

There was a young lady named Gert
Who was heard on occasion to blurt:
"It wasn't so bad
My just getting had,
It was having the baby that hurt."
--- G1663

The babe was up there for the view,
To watch his mom and pop screw.
They were on the bed
Giving each other head.
They'll rescue him when they are through.
--- S C Saint

Our friend Al is much, much too nice,
Giving all of us his free advice.
If Dr. Spock did find out
'Bout the freebies, no doubt,
He'd roll in his grave once or twice.
--- Cheryl

I'm older than most of you here
And I'm well past my 50th year.
Al's advice made me smile,
But too late by a mile.
My parents didn't heed it, I fear.
--- Peter W

I'm probably older than you;
Nothing about me is new.
But I did see red
When dropped on my head
From the bathinette while checking the view.
--- Arden

They put me to bed in the trees,
And forgot there is sometimes a breeze.
And I often fell out
On my head, without doubt.
So forgive my senility, please.
--- PeterW

I hope you're not whining 'bout age,
Mature older types are the rage.
Twelve years since I'm fifty,
But still I'm called Swifty;
I'm spicy, not seasoned with sage.
--- Frank Fazed

A swifty past fifty, oh dear,
You are far too fast, I fear.
Right under a bough,
I like it real slow,
When having in me a big spear.
--- Petunia

And when the stormy winds wail,
And the breezes blow high in a gale,
There's a curious dropping
And flopping and plopping,
As fat little babies just hail.
--- Rosalie Sorrells

Sally sued for support; she was claimin'
Phil had fathered her baby named Damon.
She said, "I ought to know,"
As she pointed below,
"Because this is the box that it came in."
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Dad waited while Mum bought the ham.
But when she came out, she said, "Sam!
That one's not our baby!
He answered, "Well, maybe,
But look, it's a much nicer pram."
--- Coral E Copping A

There were two consenting adults,
Who agreed that they would not repulse,
One another's advances,
But just take their chances,
And accept the result--or results.
--- John Ciardi

A headstrong young woman in Ealing,
Threw her two weeks old child at the ceiling.
When quizzed why she did,
She replied, "To be rid
Of a strange, overpowering feeling."
--- Edward Gorey

Charlie, a croft-reared Jock,
Decided to start his own flock.
His bairn glugs the bottle
And spouts shit full throttle...
A real chip off the old block.
--- Jarmo

A conservative lady named Tabor,
Had a date with her radical neighbor.
They argued all night,
On the left and the right.
In the end, though, he brought her to labor.
--- John Ciardi A

The babies were not very happy;
Not pleased with the three cornered nappy.
The old fashioned pants
Fell down if they'd prance;
That's how they told a girl from a chappie!
--- Arthur Pattaffy

A baby born late in December
Succumbed the next year, in November,
Now his twin brother, Paul,
Can't recall him at all,
Because he was too young to remember.
--- Cap'n Bean P0112

There was a young girl in Japan
Who went for a ride in a tram.
The dirty conductor
Got up her and fucked her,
And now she's pushing a pram.
--- Phil Johnstone G1672

Your baby has gorn down the plughole;
Your baby has gorn down the plug.
The poor little thing
Was so skinny and thin,
She should have been washed in a jug.
--- Anon

An industrious young obstetrician,
Conceived his financial position,
To depend upon beauty
And husbandly duty,
And determined and endless coition.
--- Isaac Asimov

A cute little baby is Riley,
And 'bout him his mother speaks highly.
The DNA test
Showed Dad was not blest
With fatherhood, so she says shyly.
--- Archie

A publisher, once (name of Knopf),
Alas, never knew when to stopf.
He lay down on the hipf
Of a charming young pipf,
And now he's a charming old popf.
--- Isaac Asimov

A scatter-brained couple at Gissing
Arranged for an afternoon christening;
When they got there she said--
"Where's the baby, then Fred?"
He replied "I thought something was missing."
--- Archie

They told us Mt Baldy was neat,
Just dress really warm, they'd repeat.
But poor baby Paul,
In his snowsuit and all,
Fainted away from the heat.
--- Sal R

There's a dance-mad young matron of Sterling,
Who can't be well fucked except whirling.
If the music's too mild
You can get her with child,
But the little thing's hair will need curling.
--- G1722

I can't tell you much about Slade.
He just came for a weekend and stayed,
Making rather too free
With my household and me,
And begetting four sons by our maid.
--- John Ciardi