A lady with asthma, from Bruce,
Was nursing the cutest papoose.
She said, "Kids I adore
And I would have had more,
But they're awfully hard to produce."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2478

I hope your new baby is fine,
I hope that it's truly divine;
I hope that it's cute,
And it's healthy, to boot,
But I hope that the sucker ain't mine!
--- Cap'n bean

With babies, I get quite annoyed,
Be they little girl or a boy.
Whining and crying,
My patience they're trying;
My nerves just about destroyed.
--- Karen

Babies, they piss and they spew,
And all of those diapers, peeyoo!
One, okay maybe,
A cute little baby;
But why would you want to have two?
--- Karen

If you can, be an Aunt; the job's breezy.
Few diapers to get you all queasy.
Play with them a while,
Make them laugh, make them smile --
And then hand them back. See? Fairly easy.
--- Tami

Wee Nan was a gay, sporting lass.
Dull May just spit up and passed gas.
Premature Jill
Gave new twist to my drill,
But Dave was a pain in the ass.
--- John Miller

To her ma said a proud girl in Keyes,
"I'll do all the fucking I please!"
But to pay for her sins
She had interlocked twins,
And Oh! did those two bastards squeeze!
--- Grand Prix Lim 969 G1673

Changing baby can be quite grotty,
When it's got a wet, smelly body.
You really must try
To keep that end dry.
Then at least it will not get too spotty.
--- Tony Burrell

While riding to work one fine morn,
Saw a maiden out picking some corn.
Gave her a toss in the sheaves,
On a bed of corn leaves,
And a kernel-toothed baby she's borne.
--- Straydog

Lleyton Hewitt's new babe should be dead;
He was practicing serves near Bec's bed...
When the baby popped out,
Bec cried "Watch out, lout!"
So he lobbed it back over her head.
--- David Miller Q

In the back seat, Marlene was a terror,
But taking the pill seemed to scare her.
Said she, "Goodness sakes,
I don't make mistakes."
In nine months, she gave birth to an error.
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner

There was a young lady named Martha;
When the girls went far, she went fartha.
The affairs were good fun,
The result was a son,
Named Donahue, Smith, or McArtha.

(But it hardly seemed worth so much bartha.)
--- G1688

There once was a babe in the womb,
Who decided he needed more room.
"Gotta get out of this place
'Cause I'm needing more space,"
He said, as he entered the flume.
--- Edwin J Weinstein

Three lovely young girls from St. Thomas,
Attended a dance in pajamas.
They were fondled in haste (They were screwed by the drummer

And soon after, all three were new mommas.

(I'm surprised that by now they ain't mamas.)
--- L1532

The babies who live in the Andes
Can't trust to their feet and their handies;
Whenever they grope
Up the mountainous slope,
They wear non-skid belly-bandies.
--- Glimmerick Book P9108

A baby called Ferdinand Frost
Thought: I simply loathe being bossed.
But I'll speak out one day,
And the first words I'll say
Will be to my mother, "Get Lost!"
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

For hours my wife says 'Goodbye',
And a marvel of patience am I.
I can bridle my passion,
Through servants and fashion,
But at the mention of babies, I fly.
--- Gelett Burgess

With babies I don't have much luck;
I feed them and then they upchuck.
And after each meal,
I then have to deal
With the other end - Oh yucky YUCK!
--- Tepper and Morris P0104

Please don't tell me that sex doesn't matter.
It will sometimes make ladies grow fatter.
And then, don't you see,
What was two becomes three,
With that nerve-wracking sound, 'pitter-patter'.
--- Isaac Asimov

Whilst pregnant for five months I knitted...
Then my premature baby I kitted
In doll clothes so small,
Barely nothing at all,
While I worried and panicked, and shitted!
--- Joie de Vivre

It was nice to do something of use
For my scrawny 'rat' in her papoose...
Nineteen days ventilator,
Two months incubator,
And woolies a nice shaade of puce!
--- Joie de Vivre

A cloistered kludge-maker of Grotte
Said, on viewing his newly-begot,
"Though the need is not clear,
The wherewithal's here,
To solve problems nobody's got."
--- William J Wilson P0607

Quite lewdly, a sailor named Bass
Made pregnant a victimized lass.
When the girl produced quints,
They were taken as hints
That Bass had made semen first class.
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner

My wife Myrtle's womb has the habit
Of expanding whenever I stab it.
What's more, my wife Myrtle,
Is so wonderously fertile,
That she's giving me kids like a rabbit.
--- L0929

An infant of unusual size
Was the source of quite ear-piercing cries.
In the pen where he played
Was a sharp razor blade
He had used to cut slits in his eyes.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Divested of vestiture, nude,
She certainly wasn't a prude.
Enveloping arms
Enfolded her charms,
As baby her clothing exchewed.
--- Philo Logue P8312

A fortunate fellow called Sandon
Was born with a seven-inch stand on.
The midwife said, "God!
How exceedingly odd!"
As he shagged her with carefree abandon.
--- Michael Horgan

The McCaugheys in Des Moines are not quitters.
When they must have their babies in litters.
I wish them good cheer
But I do greatly fear
This could lead to a shortage of sitters.

(had septuplets!)
--- John Miller 0160

There was a young girl at Ferranti's
Who spent all her money on panties.
Then she went to Met-Vickers,
Where the girls wear no knickers,
And now all her sisters are aunties.
--- G1656

Baby's soft spot, the size of a dime,
Has a most useful purpose, sublime.
Though you may be averse,
A maternity nurse
Can carry them ten at a time.
--- Scott

A prolific young mother named Hall
Seemed to have triplets each Fall.
When asked why and wherefore,
Said, "That's what we're here for,
But we often get nothing at all."
--- Anon

A one-day old baby in Wallabout,
Reflected, "Oh, what is it all about?
I comprehend not
Whence, whither, or what,
But I'm sure it is something to squall about."
--- Morris Bishop

In the oceans, Puerto Rico's a cork.
Its national bird is the stork.
There the natives deploy,
To share natural joy,
And then send the results to New York.
--- P9412

This is file kkl

There was a young lady named Sue,
Who preferred a stiff drink to a screw.
But one leads to the other,
And now she's a mother--
Let this be a lesson to you.
--- L1688A

Said young mom, "My baby confounds
Me nightly with his crying sounds.
He seems to be hyper
About a dirty diaper,
Though the label says, "Up to ten pounds."
--- Observer

Said a cartographer in Peru,
To his baby who drove him cookoo,
"First you nurse, then you poop,
Which throws me for a loop.
Titicaca's what I named for you!"
--- Tom Patton P0202

An impoverished young couple named Skeat,
Used to bundle to save on the heat.
But six kids in five years,
Left them in such arrears,
They have never again made ends meet.
--- John Ciardi

An Amazon giantess named Dunne,
Let a midget screw her for fun.
But the poor little runt
Was engulfed in her cunt,
And reborn as the twin of his son.
--- Anon

"Bowling balls or dead babes, here's the diff,"
The old dump trucker said, with a sniff.
"This here pitchfork won't work
On those bowling balls (smirk);
Just dead babies what ain't got too stiff!"
--- Allen Wolverton

A baby from Bequia named Beau
Would never say yes, only no.
He never said yes,
Never, never, unless
His mama and papa said no!
--- Molly Manley

There was a new father named Gabey,
Who said, "I'm not sleeping much, maybe,
'Cause my wife walks the floor
From midnight 'til four
With my melancholicky baby!"
--- Observer

Said Gabey's young wife, "Well by golly.
It's easy for you to be jolly.
While I walk the floor,
You lay there and snore.
Why can't I partake of such folly?"
--- G Watson

Said Gabey, "My dear, that's absurd;
I've not snored, or spoken one word.
The noise comes from old Ferrot,
Your stupid dumb parrot.
I've not heard a noisier bird."
--- G Watson

A wily skirt-chaser named Fletcher
Declared, "It's been proved, but I bet you're
Unaware of the fact
That babes know what they've lacked
And go for a really cool lecher."
--- Armand E Singer P0202

Said an unwed campaigner named Wilde,
"I'm not upset at being defiled.
They'll find a solution
To every pollution;
Until then, what to do with the child?"
--- Anon

My baby's shut up in SCBU;
My-oh-my what a TDU.
She doesn't look happy
With wires in her nappy
And pipes in her parts...Well, WJU?

(Special Baby Care Unit, pronounced scuh-boo)
--- Jarmo

Said my wife as she stood on a rostrum,
"I don't mind if I don't have colostrum,
But I'll take an option,
If your child's for adoption--
Though I cannot bear kids, I can foster 'em."
--- L1612

They give an "X" rating to flicks
Where sex is the center of kicks,
While violence and war
Are considered fit for
Small children no older than six.
--- Norm Storer

But sex is quite tempting, they tell us:
War isn't, so they must be zealous
To teach everyone
That war is great fun--
So the generals won't become jealous.
--- Norm Storer

Bathroom humor seems to be
A male thing! Would you agree?
I've only one child,
And though he is mild,
He started about the age three.
--- Maggie

On the plane next to me sat Sylvester,
Four years old and a real patience-tester!
My nerves he so tested,
I had him arrested
For being an ADULT molester.
--- Writerman

There was a young fellow called Matt,
Who climbed on a chair like a cat.
He thought he would risk it
And reach for a biscuit,
But fell on the floor and went splat.
--- Jane Herbert

There was a young dumpling from Boulder,
Who loved to ride dear daddy's shoulder.
Dad, at first, thought it fun.
Then she turned twenty-one,
And he thought she should know--so he told her.
--- John Ciardi

There once was a British Au Pair
Who threw a young child down the stair.
When the case went to trial,
She thought it was vile,
Or at least it was not very fair.
--- Popsicle TP9807

Ah yes, I remember dear Kath;
When younger, we'd both share a bath;
When she stroked my banana,
I'd be in Nirvana.
When was that? I'll just do the math...
--- Tiddy Ogg

I must have been ten -- now don't titter;
Advanced for my age, and much fitter.
But then things grew weird;
My mother appeared,
And we soon got a new baby sitter.
--- Tiddy Ogg

The new one was Megan, much crueler;
Big strong, regimental, much cooler.
If I showed affection
And gained an erection,
She'd strike at my dick with a ruler.
--- Tiddy Ogg

My sitter, however, was nice
Understood all my needs in a trice.
When my weenie got hard,
She'd massage it with lard,
Then give fine instruction in vice.
--- Anon

Holy Smoke! It's the end of July!
How quickly the summer goes by.
Soon the kids in the pool
Will be going to school;
How I'll miss all those noisy small fry!
--- John Miller 0044

There once was a young boy named Dave,
Who took all the money he'd saved,
And went to see Charlotte,
(The town's famous harlot)
And was told to come back when he shaved!
--- Laurence Craft

A choirboy once sang a wrong note.
To his mother, the choir master wrote:
"Pray, keep him in bed
On Sunday's instead;
Alternately--cut his throat.
--- Mary Danby Armada 1

There once was a schoolboy named Snelling
Who wasn't to brilliant in spelling.
He wrote on a door:
"Are teecher's a boar."
Now he cannot sit down for the swelling.
--- Mary Danby Armada 1

Now children, I've been quite remiss,
Not telling you stories like this,
For many a day;
But you know what they say:
All good things must end. Goodbye bliss.
--- Anon

Between his two parents sleeps Lee;
On either side Mommy Daddy.
"It seems quite apparent,
He's scared," said a parent,
So he sleeps parenthically."
--- Irving Superior P8811

I myself have a wife, but no kid,
But I hear all the time, if I did,
I'd be more complete;
That they're really quite sweet;
And then ask if for theirs I would bid.
--- Anon

When boys, we lived life to the full,
And when bored, they girls' pigtails we'd pull.
We sure had to fly
To get out of the sty;
That sow, Jill, could charge like a bull.
--- Tiddy Ogg