I simply adore it when men see
Me naked," said Mrs McKenzie,
Increasingly hot
As she fingered her twat
In a wild uninhibited frenzy.
--- Peter Wilkins

That gal was a damned noisy neighbor,
Who hollered one night, like in labor.
Then over the Glens
Came ten of her friends,
To find she was tossing my caber.
--- SFA

In the heather beside River Clyde,
A fair lass with big boobs sat and cried;
Not 'cause some big oaf
Had rudely groped both,
But from smell of the mud at low-tide.
--- Anon

The croc's are all at swimming school,
And snakes hibernate when it's cool;
We've shampooed the sheep,
Put spiders to sleep,
And chased all the sharks from the pool.
--- Anon

Our Tourism ad should squeak through,
But Brits want the odd change or two;
As 'bloody' they hate
We'll change it to, mate,
"So where the fucking hell are you?"
--- Anon

I've been to the land of the thistle,
Where westerly hurricanes whistle
And injuriously,
'Round a gentleman's Trossachs and gristle.
--- Anon

But now I've returned to the land
Of the lim(b) and the mammary gland
And my Trossachs are thawing;
My gristle is soaring
And warming my frost-bitten hand.
--- Anon

A village in Shetland called Twatt
(And there is one, believe it or not)
Shares a problem (not silly)
With Warwickshire's Willey;
Its road signs get taken a lot.
--- Anon

From the Firth of Forth came a low moan
From a seagull who wasn't alone.
An old Scot named McFee
At his afternoon tea
Threw and killed those two birds with one scone.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0109

The sights from this bus pack a punch,
But these roads have my gut in a bunch.
In addition to views
Of green hilltops and ewes,
I look forward to seeing my lunch.
--- Anon

I mailed out a card to McDuff,
Hence it went to McKellar, who'd slough
It off to MacAulay,
Thence McGregor had call, he
Then sent to McCann in the rough.
--- Liam na Beag

From McCann it was sent to McPhee,
Who McDougal made jump up with glee.
He forwarded tab
To the blighter, McNab,
Who forwarded it right back to me!
--- Liam na Beag

In Ballybunion some visitors will go
To see what no person should know.
But then there are tourists
The purest of purists --
Who say 'tis uncommonly low!
--- Linda Marsh Coll

Hello and goodbye once again.
I wish I was flying to Spain;
But no, I'm to go,
With a hey nonny no,
Up to Birmingham City by train.
--- Peter Wilkins

I'm packing my kilt...No I'm not;
In Birmingham, no-one's a Scot.
This to-ing and fro-ing
And coming and going
Is why I'm now losing the plot.
--- Peter Wilkins

Okay, now I'm going to pack
And borrow the neighborhood yak.
It carries my cases
In various places,
If carefully strapped on my back.
--- Peter Wilkins

From Leicester I travelled to Bicester
And there met Lucinda's young sister,
Who squealed with delight
And suggested a night
Having fun in the buff playing twister.
--- Peter Wilkins

From Bicester I sailed on to Towcester
By means of canal boat and coaster.
And who should I meet
On the tow-path but sweet
Cousin Fifi demanding I roust her.
--- Peter Wilkins

And later, returning to Leicester
By way of both Worcester and Cheicester,
I couldn't say "No"
To a threesome with Flo
And her daughter, voluptuous Ester.
--- Peter Wilkins

The boss said. "I need you today
At a meeting in London." "No way",
I replied and said, "Go
Forth and multiply." "No",
He said. "Dammit", I muttered, "OK."
--- Anon

An hour and three-quarters by train
For a half-an-hour meeting; a pain.
It was yacketty-yak
Then I had to get back;
Took an hour and three-quarters again.
--- Peter Wilkins

A young man attempted to woo
A young bus conductress from Kew.
But she told him "Hey!
You can't go the whole way;
I'm afraid you must stop at zone 2."
--- Richard Long

I stood alone on platform 2,
The skies were grey, the trains were blue.
I cannot solve
How we evolve,
Yet never really change at Crewe.
--- Richard Long

In Cornwall a summer of joy
I long ago spent in old Foy.
I'd lie with my lover,
While 'neath the bed cover,
With laughs she'd play at being coy.
--- Anon

To a London car rental I strode;
I might not have gone If I'd knowed.
I'd go in and out
On that blamed 'round about
And drive on the wrong side of the road.
--- Shelby Forrest

I met with Lucinda from Leicester
And knew straight away I'd impressed her.
For down on her knees,
She went begging me, "Please..."
So I whipped out my dong and possessed her.
--- Peter Wilkins

There was a young lady from Worcester,
Whose build was a hormonal booster.
When she came down to Yale,
She made all the men pale,
Till one of them reached out and goosed her.
--- Ward Hardman

I'd dearly love to go back
To see more antique bric-a-brac.
The people are neat,
The history's a treat,
But the food all belongs in a sack.
--- Mike Patterson A2

Of castles we've more than a score,
(On the borders of Wales, even more.)
And Devon is pleasant
For dining on pheasant;
I hope you'll have time to explore.
--- Peter Wilkins

It seems I've no choice but to go
Where northernly hurricanes blow;
Where Brenda (The Queen)
And her corgis are seen
Tossing cabers and stuff in the snow.
--- Peter Wilkins

It's there that tomorrow I fly;
"But why should I go?" grumbled I.
"Because," said the Boss,
Talking nonsense and dross,
"I've just told you to do so, is why."
--- Peter Wilkins

"Okay, my conditions are these,"
I said as I rose from my knees,
"I'll claim recompense
With expenses immense,
And a two-year sabbatical, please."
--- Peter Wilkins

Excuse me, but could you explain
Where I go for the Birmingham train?
Yes, I thought that too,
But it looks like a loo.
Well, thank you. I'll try it again.

(loo - public toilet in the old country)
--- Anon

This is file kim

At junction 8/9 I read
A sign that reads Maidenhead.
And it's ironic but true
When I'd driven straight through,
Staines could be seen straight ahead.
--- Donald McGill

The girls here in Essex are easy,
But Sharon's disgustingly sleazy;
The sticky wet stuff
Oozing out of her muff,
Is enough to make anyone queasy.
--- SFA

In Surrey, they're good in the sack
And gag for the juices they lack.
But each time I squeeze
The goo 'twixt her knees,
She's bloody well sneezing it back.
--- SFA

Here in London, it's far more a chore,
For gents to find an adequate whore;
Though in tight denim skirts,
They tease, rouse, and flirt;
'Tween their legs, one can seldom explore.
--- Peter Wilkins

Just ply them with orange juice, mate,
And slip in a vodka or eight;
By ten of the clock,
They'll be gagging for cock,
And will barely be able to wait.
--- Peter Wilkins

Down here in the heathlands of Hants,
We've horse-riding girls with no pants.
That's all very well,
But it sure hurts like hell,
When horse hairs get stuck in your lance.
--- Tiddy Ogg

But it could be worse, I suppose.
In Leeds, girls refuse to expose.
But by paying high prices
For periscopic devices,
One can just see the tips of their toes.
--- S.M.

I'm home from my trip to the U.K.;
I had lots of fun, I must say.
Saw a few of the sights;
Spent a few late, late nights.
I think I'll go back there one day.
--- Cheryl

I wish I weren't going away
This dreary and gloomy wet day,
Up north where the quim
Is unbearably grim,
And the mills are satanic and grey.
--- Peter Wilkins

To stay in a hovel so bleak,
That even the light-fittings leak
whenever it rains;
Not to mention the drains
And the cold I shall suffer all week.
--- Peter Wilkins

Accosted each day in the sleet,
By haggard old tarts on the street;
"Hey geezer!" they'll shout,
"Wanna 'andjob or owt?
For a fiver we'll do you a treat."
--- Peter Wilkins

Their offers of course I'll decline;
With luck I'll find somewhere to dine;
Which doubtless, I fear,
Will be burgers and beer,
And return to the hovel by nine.
--- Peter Wilkins

Then out before eight in the rain,
To trudge off to work once again.
By 'eck, how abysmal;
I'm feeling quite dismal,
Despondent and likely insane.
--- Peter Wilkins

In your room, 5-stars standard, you'll see
That the chambermaid ("Hi Sir, I'm Lucy,
And I'll be right at hand
To obey your command...")
Is most willing and young, pert, and juicy.
--- Ulla

As for drudgery, weather and such,
I lack trust in your words here as much.
You will suffer no harm
Where it's sunny and warm,
Or at least has some tropical touch.
--- Ulla

Winterbourne Abbas, Combe Bisset
And Puddletown; places to visit.
Last night in my sleep
I was thinking of Eype ...
(I said Eype; I know sheep are exquisite).
--- Anon

I dreamt I was shagging the sheep
(I mean climbing the hills around Eype);
I was tossing and turning
With longing and yearning,
And fell out of bed in a heap.
--- Anon

There's a river down Dorsetshire way
Known as Piddle or Puddle, I say.
Just ask Tiddy, he'll know --
But it's ceasing to flow;
It's a wee piddle puddle today.
--- Anon

There once was an old man named Ned
Who eschewed young virgins in bed.
But he showed his class
On the Maidenhead Bypass
And went on to Pratts Bottom instead.
--- Donald McGill

"The next station will be Tottenham Hale",
The announcer announced without fail,
"Stand clear of the doors",
She announced without pause,
"Please change here for overground rail."
--- Richard Long

Spent a week in London this spring;
Saw many a wonderful thing,
The jewels in the Tower,
Where kings wielded power,
And partied in medieval flings.
--- Mike Patterson A1

There is a small country called Wales,
Where the trains run on narrow-guage rails.
The people eat leek
At least once a week,
And the choirs are all full of males.
--- Richard Long

"Myfanwy!" exclaimed the High Druid,
"Go fetch me some virgins from Clwyd.
I have to decide
On the mid-summer bride
I shall bless with my bodily fluid.
--- Peter Wilkins

Now virgins in Clwyd are few
And Myfanwy has found only two;
That's Blodwyn, her daughter,
Fifteen and a quarter,
And Bronwen, a virginal ewe.
--- Peter Wilkins

(Seems Bronwen escaped from our Ogg
By hiding herself in a bog
And shutting her eyes
To here sisters' demise,
While pretending to act like a frog.)
--- Peter Wilkins

"Now listen, young Blodwyn, my dear:
The mid-summer solstice is near.
The Mighty High Druid
Must empty his fluid
In ritual blessings this year."
--- Peter Wilkins

"Oh mother, I'm only fifteen;
And never before have I been
With anyone other,
Not even my brother,
In Llanfairpwllgogery Green."
--- Peter Wilkins

"Oh Blodwyn, there's no use to fret;
It's only a sacrifice, pet;
And though you have fresh
And delectable flesh,
It's yon Bronwen he'll go for, I bet."
--- Peter Wilkins

And thus they went off to the druid
Who chose from the virgins of Clwyd,
Young Bronwen the ewe
For his permanent screw,
And boor Blodwyn for ritual fluid.
--- Peter Wilkins

It seems that the druid is Ogg -- I'll
Be damned! -- shagging sheep up in Argyll.
If you'd been the druid
I'd've danced in the nuid,
Luring out your best fluid in style.
--- Ulla

If for bushels of virgins you lust,
I'm the wrong one, admit it I must;
Since one mid-summer's eve,
When young Yves I'd receive,
Many forks pierced by virginal crust.
--- Ulla

Alas, what befalls me, dear Pete,
Since then has the choicest of meat
Passed the gate of my mound,
(All of it sweet and sound)
Plus: I hope I keep wrinkling my sheet.
--- Ulla

Oh Pete, what a picture you paint!
But Ulla, that druid I ain't.
I think this old sod
Would've gone for young Blod,
Unless, at my size, she did faint.
--- Tiddy Ogg