I think those Scots are all meanies,
Showing sights for their fellow obscenies.
Call Gandalf the Good
To make things as they should,
For wee little Scot teeny weenies.
--- Tony Burrell

A place where the lassies all "rear it"
And Scots make the finest of spirit;
The sheep eat the mash,
Which farts out their gash,
And burns where the shepherds don't shear it.
--- Anon

On old Grandfather Mountain we spied
Lots of food, whether grilled, boiled, or fried.
They had haggis right there
To be eaten with care.
We had fun as our time we did bide.
--- Liam na Beag

The kilts, skirts, and clothes made of leather!
The dancers moved light as a feather.
There were claymores and dirks,
Hats, and bagpipes -- the works.
And the music agreed with the weather.
--- Liam na Beag

He did grimace and groan, and then grunt,
As he tried to pull off this big stunt.
The one goal is, my friend,
To throw end over end
A telephone pole to the front.
--- Liam na Beag

To race up Grandfather, they skirt
'Round the corners and rocks. Be alert!
Wearing kilts, shorts, and flags
And their numbers on tags.
'Tis a wondrous event, they assert.
--- Liam na Beag

This summer, I've seen Aberdeen
And quite sober, not under poteen.
But it's I who admires
Its grey greatin' spires;
The world's greyest city I've seen.
--- Ulla

Is it Aberdeen, Scotland, you mean?
But it's springtime, not summer, my queen.
And I'll ask if I may,
As Ulla might say,
Just who is this chap called Poteen?
--- Hugh Clary

The dish is called Haggis, my sweet;
It's a Scottish culinary treat.
I'll describe it to ye
It takes guts to make and to eat.
--- Anon

In bitter and rain-sodden weather,
There's rarely a trace of a feather
Or even a squeak
From the haggis who seek
Out the sheltering warmth of the heather.
--- Peter Wilkins

Next week up in Scotland I'll be
Eating platters of haggis for tea.
They're shot in the islands,
The lowlands and highlands
From August to February.
--- Peter Wilkins

Apparently haggis are rife
In an area centered on Fife;
But even in Norwich,
They're chewing the porridge
That Scotsmen depend on for life.
--- Peter Wilkins

All Scotsmen know haggis are built
To hide in a moor's bog of silt.
And when one is found,
A Scotsman is bound
To shoot the damn thing in the kilt.
--- Travis Brasell

I have found, but I don't mean to brag,
The pure bag of a haggis, with shag.
We can hunt it at night;
I will drive it with fright,
And it's you can be holding the bag.
--- Dennis Hammes

As for haggis, 'tis best, so we've found,
To look where they'll surely abound.
You will find, if you shoot
With Laphroaig, they'll be moot.
And it tastes oh so good, by the pound.
--- Hilde na Beag

And be careful when putting down snipe,
Hunters say as they smoke on their pipe.
They are real -- can be found
In the marshy-type ground.
Ask Jack Daniel, he knows of their type.
--- Hilde na Beag

In the marshes behind my house,
Where my cats are apt for a mouse,
When the time is ripe,
They sometimes catch snipe,
But rarely a haggis or grouse.
--- Tony Burrell

Said Old Jock: Of my race I'm so proud,
And I'll sing of the Scots long and loud.
Till the end of my days,
All my brothers I'll praise,
Except Burke and Hare, Ally McLeod!
--- Alexander Baron

When Heather went out in the spring,
She took her young wet hairy thing.
And looked for a Jock
With his untamed cock --
She wanted a wild highland fling.
--- Archie

At night when the haggis are ruttin',
Yon Peter is often a glutton.
He stealthily creeps
With tatties and neeps, (??)
Trying to get somethin' from mutton.
--- Peter Wilkins

In Scotland, when lads whip their spankles,
And boast 'bout the size of their wankles,
With the aim to impress,
'Tis I, no less,
Who's kilted clean down to my ankles.
--- D O'Grady

Says a Scotsman, handsomely built,
"I'm damned if I will wear a kilt.
The cold air up me arse
Makes sex just a farce,
For it causes me cockie to wilt!"
--- Norm Storer P0510Q

It's called Scottish mad sheep disease, lad;
It's the worse epidemic we've had.
If you eat tainted meat,
Red fur grows on your feet
And your face turns a bright shade of plaid.
--- Anon

Begorrah, bejaysus, bejabers,
I thought I had Irish as neighbors.
But seems that they're not;
They eat porridge a lot,
Hunt for haggis and whittle their cabers.
--- Peter Wilkins

Wear sporrans and kilts and say "Och
Aye the noo," after seven o'clock;
Murder bagpipes when frisky,
Down bottles of whiskey,
And most, if not all, are called Jock.
--- Peter Wilkins

This challenge I cannot refuse;
You've given us plenty of clues.
Perhaps they are Danish,
Or maybe Ukrainish,
But probably orthodox Jews.
--- Tiddy Ogg

So they hunt down some poor haggis and eat?
Wash it down with good whiskey replete?
Fling their cabers around.
Moan and groan -- what a sound!
Could it be some Highlanders from Crete
--- Hilde na Baeg

Poorer but wiser is she;
It cost her a trip 'cross the sea.
But she learned with great joy,
Not like a Yankee boy,
Scotsmen do not unzip to pee.
--- Lim of Month Nov 2000

There once was an imbecile, Roy,
A featherbrained young Scottish boy,
Who was prodded all 'round
Or jostled down a mound,
And angrily said, "I'm no toy!"
--- Topas

Scotsmen are descended from trolls
That lived in the mountains like moles.
Don't look so askance;
They wear skirts and not pants.
They can't get two legs in different holes!
--- Tony Burrell

Amanda, who's always been hottish,
Had sex with a fellow who's Scottish.
He pulled up his kilt,
Rammed her to the hilt,
But now, sad to say, she's got twat itch.
--- Tony Burrell

Where was an auld birkie ca'ed Milton,
Who Io'ed na the lads wi' a kilt on;
Gie'd Gillespie a rasp,
Ca'd Gillespie "Galasp"
Sae slicht was the Gaelic he built on.
--- Anon

If planning a visit to Norwich,
We warn you; you may have to forage
For food, 'cause by nine
There is nowhere to dine
'Less you visit MacDonald's for porridge.
--- Peter Wilkins

This is file jjm

Not burgers; MacDonald's a Scot
Who keeps porridgy stuff in a pot
And says, "Och ay the noo",
As he serves up the goo,
Which is lumpy and not at all hot.
--- Peter Wilkins

The lack of alternative dining
Has meant our inspectors declining
To offer to Norwich
Awards for that porridge;
So Angus MacDonald, stop whining.
--- Peter Wilkins

John Wallace has called on Kate Mattagin;
They both in the moonbeam have sattagin;
Dear Kate raised John's kilt
To find no wee wilt.
Delighted, Kate spread herself flattagin.
--- D O'Grady

If Scoville's the scale of the heat,
Sweet Tiffany's a Scotch Bonnet treat.
With her on my tongue
From clitty to bung,
I think I'll be smoking like peat.
--- Taxciter

Ever eaten a Scotch Bonnet treat?
It doesn't go down like a sweet.
You might beat the band,
But be careful your hand
Stays off of your own tender meat.
--- Ham Sandywich

There're lots of those Scots who'll throw pots
Of porridge for slighting their spots
Of beauty... Not many
In Glasgow, but any
Young lass there will rent out her twat.
--- Anon

Scots women are so full of passion,
Just chocolates and flowers not in fashion.
You should try much harder
To fulfill her ardour,
And into his arms she'll be dashin'.
--- Jayne

There's an island off Scotland named Skye,
Which the rugged seascapes beautify,
Where the bagpipe's sound lilts,
And the cut of the kilts,
Makes a guy really go for a guy.
--- Don Moore P9411

My love is now like a red rose,
Who's newly sprung a nude pose...
I'll come in a while,
Though 'twere many a mile,
All over you...nose down to toes.
--- TuttaGioia

Ayr is a fine Scottish town,
So while I my trousers yank down,
I'll pick your red rose
And strike my rude pose,
And peel off your fleecy nightgown...
--- Jayne

We Scots are inventive of mind,
In brains we do not lag behind.
James Watt, Logie Baird,
Are some who have dared,
To seek out what others can't find.
--- Tutta Gioia

Maxwell and Wilson and Watt,
And Lipton with his famous yacht...
There is Hume, there is Smith,
Glenlivit's sweet whiff...
For a country that's small, that's a lot.
--- Tutta Gioia

The Dutch (I know one called Roland)
Live in completely flat Holland.
The height they will soar
To prove they can bore,
Is nowhere else known ('cept Sco'land)
--- Anon

If Scots talk you know, then ye ken,
That a mountain is always called ben,
And though it give mirth,
Mouth of streams are called firth,
And a valley is oft called a glen.
--- Tiddy Ogg

An Aberdeen jockey named Bright
Used only one spur (Scots are tight);
Being mocked, he sneered, "Sirs,
Who needs two costly spurs?
The left side can't lose to the right!"
--- Armand E Singer 22

For a Limey, I'm not rally snottish,
From the lassies were never standoffish.
I dated a few
Lowlanders, true;
They told me "Scots" and not "Scottish!"
--- Tutta Gioia

By a cozy peat fire in O'Dell,
Sat a Scot and a Mick, I hear tell.
"I'm full," cried O'Brien.
Said McLeod, "Well, I'm buyin'."
Sure and now, that's a cold day in hell.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

A Scotsman was tossing his caber,
When along came Dolores, his neighbor.
She lifted his kilt;
Found him very well built,
And relieved the young man of his labour.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Amanda, sweet lassie, was glad
That she had the 'hots' for that lad;
When she undulated,
His 'bagpipe' inflated,
And she blew a tune 'neath his plaid.
--- Travis Brasell

Now Shetland, when all's said and done,
Is where I should go to have fun.
And plenty of sport,
But a sign at the port
Says, "Sheep-shagging Sassenachs -- run!"
--- Tiddy Ogg

In search of his favorite porridge,
Scot Angus set out for to forage.
At last some he picked,
And promptly got nicked (arrested)
For shoplifting we don't encourage.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Although your late summer's been wet,
We can go sightseeing there yet.
So take me around
Your favorite ground,
And show me the Ayr of my pet.
--- Archie

I could, of course, be very crude
And ask where you want to be screwed.
With the exception,
My single objection:
I'm not going back to Bermud(a)!
--- Archie

The Scots are a race most spartan,
Whom defeat does not dishearten.
To wear a sporran
Is not deemed foreign,
Nor men in skirts of tartan.
--- Richard Long

In Scotland they have a strange custom;
If ever in Glascow, don't trust 'em.
They greet you instead
With a nod of the head,
And if you wear glasses, they'll bust 'em.
--- Spru

One green lawn covers Scotland all o'er,
From the tops of the hills to down lower.
But God keeps it up fine
With much rain and sunshine,
And a ten-million sheep-power mower.
--- Anon

Last Monday to Glasgow I flew,
Arriving at 20:02;
Got off of the plane
In the sleet and the rain,
And the gale and the hail and the snoo.
--- Peter Wilkins

Met Angus the cab driver who
Said "Hoot mon" and "Och aye the noo."
Glaswegian I guessed,
So I gave him my best
Saying "Och aye the noo, to you, too."
--- Peter Wilkins

He gave me a punch on the nose;
A typical greeting I suppose.
I mused in a daze
On his jocular ways,
And the trickle of blood on my toes.
--- Peter Wilkins

I pondered on "Och aye the noo",
As off to Auld Glasgow we flew;
If anyone here
Has a clearer idea
What it means, will you give me a clue.
--- Peter Wilkins

To Glasgow in any event,
I wasn't supposed to be sent.
A message for me
On arrival with glee
Said, "It's Edinburgh Town what we meant."
--- Peter Wilkins

So I've been tartaned 'gainst my wishes.
I hope I get no "Glasgow kisses".
That's "Och aye the noo"
Applied to my floo!
But if I am lucky, he misses.
--- Peter Wilkins

An old dying Scotsman, McLoud,
Said, "The money's all mine!" and avowed
He would bury tradition
(Duly risking perdition)
By wearing big pockets, no shroud.
--- Doug Harris P0508

There was a young man from Back Bay,
Who said, "I don't think that I'm gay.
I'm quite neat and tidy,
And first thing on Friday,
I'm tossing that caber away."
--- Bill Wall