A Welshman declared, "Now I reckon
I'll move on tomorrow to Brecon.
And then on to Rye
And settle in Eye,
Because I can't spell Llanfairfecham."
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

Clwydian men are all selfish
And stereotypically Welfish.
They'll spuzz in a crack
Then take it all back.
They don't even lick cunnifilfish.
--- Anon

God bless the young women of Wales,
Who have been jolly good to us males.
With amorous arts,
They tickle our parts,
And their hearts are as warm as their tails.
--- Michael Horgan

There's a place in Wales called the Mumbles,
That is filled with groans and grumbles.
The locals complain
Of constant cold rain,
Which produces a coastline that crumbles.
--- Anon

There was a young man from Welsh Wales,
Who contrary to old women's tales,
Was never a thief;
Never stole any beef,
But for fraud had been in many jails!
--- Arthur Pattaffy

The Welsh live in towns so distress-
ingly hard to pronounce, I confess.
There's a village quite silly
'Twixt Bwlch and Caerphilly
Called Ysbytty Tstwyth, no less.
--- Peter Wilkins

In London's old Berkeley Square
(Where the nightingales sing if they dare),
I remember a night
Of quite frenzied delight,
With my girl friend, Elizabeth-Claire.
--- Anon

She said, "I can't wait for a boff."
As she ripped her silk panties right off;
And the pressure of steam
Got me itching to cream,
'Til I heard that damn nightingale cough.
--- Anon

Not Far from the Madd(en)ing Crowd
I was born down in Dorset and proud
Of it. (Boasting I spurn;
So I won't say the Cerne
Abbas Giant's the lesser endowed.)
--- Anon

From your site I went straight to the pub;
Got real drunk then I soaked in a tub.
The size was amazing;
Could not keep from gazing
At the Giant on the hill's massive club!
--- Anon

It's true that the Hotel du Lac
Is awash with ripe crumpet; but back
Here in Essex you say,
That it's never that way,
And that nothing goes on in the sack.
--- Anon

Now how would you know that, dear Ogg,
Is Southampton surrounded by fog?
There are many young girls
Here with cute little curls
Who'll charge nothing to straighten your log.
--- Anon

So boring is Clacton-on-Sea,
That they're grateful to do it for free;
They're so desperate to screw
They will even pay you,
And they'll rip off their panties with glee.
--- Anon

And 'fore you say, "Bet they've got fleas."
Or some other disgusting disease;
Let me tell you, my friend,
Unlike girls in Southend,
They're just horny and eager to please.
--- Anon

To find a good roll in the hay
With not even one centime to pay,
Just try turning your back
On the Hotel du Lac;
Come to Clacton-on-Sea for a day.
--- Anon

This lim, Tiddy Ogg's, no defence
Of the girlies this side of the fence;
In fact most of the Sharons
And Traceys and Karens
Are really quite stupid and dense.
--- Anon

But hey! Who needs brains when you're screwing,
Or chewing or otherwise doing.
Just try it today,
For there's nothing to pay,
And no sailors or tourists are queuing.
--- Anon

I once knew a poor cringing Limey,
With his teeth all yellow and slimy;
Tongue covered in thrush
For lack of a brush.
Kiss one? Not me! Cor Blimey!
--- Tiddy Ogg

Then Julie, my Honey, come here;
I wash almost twice every year.
So come suck my donga,
To make it still longa,
And then perhaps I'll buy you a beer.
--- Tiddy Ogg

For everyone here I provide
A Colchester limerick guide.
The verses are clean
And the photos serene;
But I'll leave it to you to decide.
--- Peter Wilkins

A swell town. It's charming and nice.
You've hinted of some long past vice,
But still kept it clean,
Describing each scene,
So where are the pictures with spice?
--- Marlene Lewis

'Bout pictures of spice I thought twice;
The nurses are 'specially nice.
But maybe a hunk
With an elephant's trunk
In his pants, is more your sort of spice.
--- Peter Wilkins

For those who say Essex is flat,
These pics will dissuade you of that.
This here is North Hill;
There are steeper ones still.
And at the top of them all I have sat.
--- Peter Wilkins

It's here that the mayor had a berth,
Especially designed for his girth;
He wobbles around
When he's booted and gowned,
Causing residents rollicking mirth.
--- Peter Wilkins

The house on the left has a list;
Its beams have a frightening twist.
But up it still stays,
Like a gentleman sways,
While pretending he's not at all pissed.
--- Peter Wilkins

This new bit of Colchester proves
It's "with it" and modern and grooves.
(The girl on the right
Isn't half a bad sight.
Bet she bounces around as she moves.)
--- Peter Wilkins

The "Tymperleys" mansion is posh;
The owners are toff who say "gosh!"
Or "golly" and stuff,
And they've more than enough
Of the readies, the lucre, the dosh.
--- Peter Wilkins

A picture on Trinity Street:
The church which is tiny and neat,
Was built by a Saxon,
Young beowulf Jackson,
Who wedded his flaxen-haired sweet.
--- Peter Wilkins

The pub on the left is all right.
The landlady, though, is a fright;
She looks awful grim,
'Til the daylight get dim,
And looks really lovely at night.
--- Peter Wilkins

What's left of the old castle keep;
The rest of it fell in a heap.
'Twas built by the French
Who can dig a good trench,
But can only build walls on the cheap.
--- Peter Wilkins

In the center of town is the park,
Where residents go for a lark;
It's often quite fun
In the summer-time sun,
And a hot-bed of sin after dark.
--- Peter Wilkins

This street of old houses serene,
All prettily painted and clean,
Was once where the goings
And to-ings and fro-ings
Were nothing much short of obscene.
--- Peter Wilkins

Another of Maidenburgh Street,
Where maidens exceedingly sweet
Were given to riot;
But now it's a quiet
Respectable bourgeois retreat.
--- Peter Wilkins

This is file khm

The hospital near where I be
Is there in the distance, you see.
You'll know from my verses
That pretty young nurses
Are somewhat attactive to me.
--- Peter Wilkins

The Dutch built these houses, you know,
Some forty-odd decades ago.
They knew is was better,
For Holland is wetter
And here was less likely to snow.
--- Peter Wilkins

The Stockwell Arms pub is a gas;
The barmaids have plently of class.
Just ask for a jar
Of real ale at the bar;
They will pour you a heavenly glass.
--- Peter Wilkins

The Colne makes a pretty nice view,
Dividing the town into two.
To the right of the thicket
Of willows, the cricket,
Club once beat a team from Peru.
--- Peter Wilkins

Live here and you'll oft hear the thud
Of water when river's in flood.
The residents fret
About getting so wet,
But the mud is quite good for the blood.
--- Peter Wilkins

Take sixteen year old Maisie Phipps,
An expert at grinding her hips
On boys with a horn;
I must now them warn,
To buy her not one bag of chips.

(How you tell an orgasm on Essex girl? She drops her chips)
--- Tiddy Ogg

And what about Bill's donkey, Mabel?
No more will he feel that he's able
To quench his lust's need
For a carrot or Swede,
On warm summer nights in her stable.
--- Anon

So bang go my chances to bed
Young Deb for a sweetie, he said?
That seems a bit mean
For she's only fifteen
And adores licking lollipops red.
--- Anon

Not all Essex girlies munch chips
While expertly grinding their hips;
There's many who favour
The spicier flavour
Of nachos and savoury dips.
--- Anon

Indeed there are ladies so posh
Their favorite on-the-job nosh
Is toffee .. to muffle
The raucous kerfuffle
They make when excited, by gosh.
--- Anon

For though it well pleases us boys
To hear what a lady enjoys,
An Essex girl's bawling
And screeching's appalling
And far from erotica noise.
--- Anon

Here's another old tale from tradition,
I leave it to you -- fact or fiction?
Concerning some fools
Living in Hartlepool,
Reproduced here without their permission.
--- Tiddy Ogg

When with Emperor Napoleon at war,
Did a British ship off the coat moor,
And a monkey, a pet
Of the captain's, was swept,
From his percch, and did then swim ashore.
--- Tiddy Ogg

A policeman was very soon called;
He looked at the ape, quite appalled.
And loudly did cry,
"He must be a spy!"
And to jail then the poor beast was hauled.
--- Tiddy Ogg

And before a great judge the nest day,
Not a word that made sense did he say.
"'Tis obious me lud,
The fellow's a dud,
He's parleying bloody Francais!"
--- Tiddy Ogg

The verdict was judged true and fair,
This foreigner covered with hair,
Was guilty as sin.
So they grabbed hold of him,
And hanged him there in the town square.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Though sad, every word here is true,
Told to me as I've told it to you,
By my great-uncle's brother,
Whose niece knew the mother
Of the ship's captain's third cousin, Hugh.
--- Tiddy Ogg

He was short like he stood in a trench?
And covered with hair? A foul stench?
And makes a weird noise
When his voice he employs?
No wonder they thought he was French.
--- MrMalo

The sweet little girlies of Hants (Hampshire)
Wear nowt down below when they dance.
The girlies of Hunts (Huntingdonshire)
Though, with oversize cunts,
Wear fucking enormous great pants.
--- Peter Wilkins

The first rumor, I cannot scotch;
I've been to the dance halls to watch
Reflections, real good
From the floor's polished wood,
Of acres of feminine crotch.
--- Tiddy Ogg

That must be a sight to behold,
So sweaty, so hairy, so bold,
And so much to the pound
That the rumors abound
That the valleys contain liquid gold.
--- Cubby

The venerable city of Mold
Has a history that needs to be told.
Old King Toadstool of Sot
Slew Lord Fungus of Rot
Before dying of dampness and cold.
--- Anon

The fortunes of Toadstool went sour;
Soon he also fell, to Lord Scour.
And Scour, the slime,
To the baron von Grime
Whose quick fate, like his face, was most dour.
--- Anon

For Grime before Mildew did fold;
Mildew's holdings to Muck soon were sold.
Then Muck lost in his war
With King Silt of South Spore,
And in time, from dank Spore sprang up Mold.
--- Anon

Midway between Penzance and Dover,
And 30-odd miles south of Lover,
In the county of Hants,
Where gals drop their pants,
And urge you to get your leg over...
--- Anon

So why am I so sheep-fixated,
If all of the girls are as stated?
Just hobble their feet,
They won't scream, just bleat,
And sue not when thus violated.
--- Anon

The Tatchbury girls, too, are good;
That's where an old nut-house once stood.
I think it's pulled down,
Or I'd sure be found
Within its walls, pulling my pud.
--- Anon

Oh dear, what a sin of omission!
Your pardon I'll beg, with contrition.
I claim to have scored
In most every ward.
I'll tell you now with your permission.
--- Tiddy Ogg

There's lovely girls, tall short and burly,
In Warsash and Swayling and Shirley.
But those in Freemantle
Prefer a fat candle,
To place in their hair, short and curly.
--- Tiddy Ogg

In Northam, West End and St Mary's,
Most all of them long lost their cherries,
And will fuck you for pennies.
But up at St Denys,
You'll find all the blokes are all fairies.
--- Tiddy Ogg

This whole sad electoral scene,
On which just the lawyers are keen,
Suggests that you Yanks,
With most grateful thanks,
Could come back, be ruled by our queen.
--- Tiddy Ogg

You'd not have this crass altercation,
With permanent head of the nation.
Come back and be British...
You may though be skittish,
Of 223 years back taxation.
--- Tiddy Ogg

At this point in time I admit,
I wouldn't mind being a Brit.
It would be kinda neat,
But to drive down the street
On the wrong side, would give me a fit.
--- Anon

In Chester with Jessie I messed,
In Leister 'twas Hester I pressed.
Young Trudy from Chesterfield
Was truly the best I feeled,
But Tessa's the best of the rest.
--- Tiddy Ogg