That Hester of Leicester's young sister
(I goosed her in Worcester and Bicester)
Was beautiful Julie;
I wooed her in Breulieu
But mostly in Towcester I kissed her.
--- Peter Wilkins

Flat old Norfolk I left because he
Didn't let me woo him in Costessey.
Though I'd gladly sinned 'em
In pretty li'l Wyndham,
They weren't bright; were they or was he.
--- Kitten

I admit Sir, that I've never been
To Essex, and thus I've not seen
These girls that they dub,
In the jargon, old scrub-
Bers, because of course they're so clean.
--- Anon

Their price, though's a certain attraction,
I'll get on that old railway traction,
I'll come up to Ipswich,
And find me a hip bitch,
To see if she gives satisfaction.
--- Anon

'Cause as I get on now, in years,
I can't catch the New Forest deer.
They run too damn fast,
When I catch them at last,
I'm too tired to shag them I fear.
--- Anon

The ancient Brits had their abode
In Oggland, as eveyone knowed,
When history was taught
The way that it ought,
And painted their faces in woad.
--- Tiddy Ogg

On cliffs down at Lepe one such strode,
Saw ships, and he knew that it bode
Sore ill for his folks,
'Cause those strange foreign blokes
Soon put them to work building roads.
--- Tiddy Ogg

They builded those roads long and straight,
But why? Listen and I'll relate
'Twas so as to stop
Fellows opening a shop
On each corner, and profits create.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Later, the Romans went home;
They sailed their ships over the foam.
The empire was crumbling,
And some folks were mumbling
The mantra: There's no place like Rome.
--- Tiddy Ogg

The site of the next land-grab scramble,
Was Calshot, or Totton, or Hamble.
'Twas Cedric the Saxon
Whom I'll give you the facts on,
If ever I end this preamble.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Cedric, he may be a Jute;
My old brain is not so acute.
'Round four eighty three,
Crossed over the sea,
Found cider, got pissed as a newt.
--- Tiddy Ogg

They landed; their boats they had moored,
And inland the ravening horde,
Then weaved their drunk way,
With many a fray,
As Chesterton once did record.*

(rolling English drunks made rolling English roads)
--- Tiddy Ogg

And so, on to 1066,
The one date that all Brit kids fix
In mind; Yes that stonker,
Old Willy the Conker,
Arrived for to ravage our chicks.
--- Tiddy Ogg

He thought the new forest was grand,
So from it all peasants were banned.
There deer he would hunt.
But he was such a skunk,
To chuck all those folk from their land.
--- Tiddy Ogg

So manys the time he was cursed,
And often in grief was immersed.
Most kin met their fate,
Ere their natural date,
As payment from those treated worst.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Bill 2, known as Rufus the Red,
Was one such, got shot in the head,
By one Tyrrell, Sir Walt,
Who'd been at the malt
And hops and the pub, so 'tis said.
--- Tiddy Ogg

The Rufus Stone marks this palaver;
To view if you wish, but on farther,
The Sir Walter Tyrrel
A pub, run by Cyril,
Stands waiting, go there if you'd rather.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Just east of Ascot is Staines,
Which has no taxis or trains;
But the worst of them all?
Yes it's Bagshot, Appall-
Ing a place, Full of Turpin's remains.
--- Peter Wilkins

Dick Turpin, a highwayman bold,
Would by now, be quite rigid with cold.
He was hanged for a crime
A considerable time
Ago; robbing rich of their gold.
--- Peter Wilkins

I stayed in a guest house in Staines
And at night heard the clanking of chains.
Saw a guy with his head
In his hands by my bed;
And I'm sure it has scrambbled my brains.
--- Peter Wilkins

Except for weekends, very soon,
I'll be working away much of June;
'Til the solstice, perhaps,
When those Druid-like chaps
Wait for dawn at stone henges and moon.
--- Peter Wilkins

But this year they've promised revenge,
Have those lunatic chaps at Stonehenge,
For they all caught the pox
There last June from the box
Of young Dawn from the village of Penge.
--- Peter Wilkins

The Welsh girl that I like to kiss
I do, oh so sorely, miss.
She loves lager and lime;
Drinking it all the time,
And not ever taking a piss.
--- Tony Burrell

Have you heard of Emrhys, my boy?
A Welshman who's really not coy.
He'll sort out your lass,
Who'll have terrible gas;
One good squeeze and she'll be full of joy.
--- Tony Burrell

In America, "Welch's" is grape;
Which may be an insidious jape.
But fermented, it passes,
And girls wearing glasses,
Are unnecessary to rape.
--- Dennis Hammes

The Welsh flower's the daffodil;
If anyone likes it, a Taff will.
Comes up in the spring
And they start to sing;
Makes everyone else want to kill!
--- Tony Burrell

The Irish flower's the Shamrock;
Criticise and they'll knock off your block.
So long's they can fight,
They'll be quite alright,
Then drink 'til it fills up their socks.
--- Tony Burrell

The English flower's the rose;
It is mighty flashy and shows
It's not a misnomer,
With its sweet aroma
'Cause they get up everyone's nose.
--- Tony Burrell

A spinster from Medicine hat
On guard just "for thee" duly sat;
And the Yanks were afraid
To encroach or invade --
She was 54-40' and fat.
--- J P Slugworthy 89b

In response to your recent request:
I'm a woman in Canada (west).
My age? That's debatable;
To reveal it's X-ratable,
Is what I've decided is best.
--- Edward Leer

Canada (I wonder which county)
I have there a friend who's a Mountie.
He's honest and decent.
To my knowledge (recent)
And fights off the crime for a bounty.
--- Lightbulb

I come from a place that ya heard'a
in the news recently... Alberta.
The place with mad cow
I'm not quite sure how
We got it, but that is the word, uh.
--- Anon

Hip hooray for the ladies of Sicamous,
Be they russet, brunette or auricomous,
And whose ripe womanhood
With its attributes, would
Be enough to make Calvin polygamous!
--- Keith MacMillan 100c

This is file kgm

Though they say Baffin Land is quite pretty,
Its location's a bit of a pity.
'Twould be nice to up anchor
And tow it by tanker
And moor it outside Quebec city.
--- Hugh Oliver 113a

James has sampled Canadian beaver;
He admits he can take her or leave her.
She is sometimes quite nice
But can come at a price.
Her teeth are as large as a cleaver!
--- James

As he strolled on the water, our mod
Prime Minister mumbled, "How odd!
My two sons were born
On Christmas day morn,
Which makes me one better than God."
--- Hugh Oliver 120d

In la plus belle province de Quebec
Live beaucoup belles femmes it beaux mecs.
But they bundled up tight
In the darkness of night.
When Quebec the ice storm did wreck.
--- Sumaq TP9802

The passing of Bill 22
Has split our two cultures, it's true.
So now when we meet
In silence complete,
We just eat and we drink and we screw.
--- Hugh Oliver 120b

Canucks are all horrified too,
'Cause 'Hell' is a word they eschew;
No need to besmirch
Their faith in the Church,
"So where the fuckin' Christ are you?"
--- Anon

I really have been in the County.
I have worked at catching a Mountie.
They're no Mounties here,
Just cowboys and beer.
I'll tape one down if there's a bounty.
--- Marlene

The client brought Simba to meet us,
And although we made a discrete fuss,
Someone called the police,
"Come quick, keep the peace!"
They just thought the lion might eat us.
--- Marlene

I petted the lion -- it's true!
But really, between me and you,
I could pet a man
With much more elan.
Just touching a cat's a breakthrough.
--- Marlene

The pilot was wiggling the wing!
I don't want to ride that damn thing.
It might fall apart
Right after we start.
I think it is made from old string.
--- Marlene

The wings have been fixed with a patch;
The cabin has many a loose hatch.
They do not serve booze!
My lunch I will lose,
As soon as this plane they dispatch
--- Marlene

I can't stick around here and chat;
I'm flitting off like a dingbat.
I'm leaving again
Just for the weeken';
Be back before you can say SCAT!
--- Marlene

Suggested her lover, Bill Bundy,
"I know just the place: Bay of Fundy";
His girlfriend agreed,
"I'm tempted indeed,
But never, not ever, on Sunday."
--- Armand E Singer 835

Come to Canada! Fuck and enjoy!
Girls are ample and willing -- Ahoy!
Come have sex every day,
Copulate, screw and play!
(Girls: Our rods are as hard as alloy).
--- Nik Synytskyy

Prince Albert is surely God's Acre;
For here, hewn on stone from his Maker,
Was our great Bill of Rights
Carried down from the heights
By His prophet, John G. Diefenbaker.
--- F P Hughes, Ontario 84b

Said the Archer with due modesty,
"If Toronto you're coming to see,
And you have time to spare,
Take a stroll through the square --
Watch the people watch people watch me."
--- Alan McLachlin 59b

You'd be wise not to look with disdain
Through the windows of Chateau Champlain.
Though they offer, 'tis true,
A half-circular view,
Better half of a glass than no pain.
--- Hugh Oliver 48b

I don't drink beer. Don't vote. Baseball sucks.
Don't care about your Prez, we Canucks.
I'd rather read raves
'Bout whores in Dave's caves,
Or the hens and the mice Archie fucks.
--- Ericka

When Ericka adds her two cent's
Worth, it's fun and it makes lots of sense.
(Canucks, say my sources,
Have peckers like horses...
That true or just bragging pretense?)
--- SFA

I've heard that Canadian brood mares
Embark on illicit affairs;
The old and the young
Ride horses well-hung,
But sometimes the horse isn't theirs.
--- SFA

It's true, we may switch for a lark...
And find, with some studs, a high mark
For their jump and ride,
But all kidding aside,
They all look the same in the dark.
--- Ericka

Most likely it's dark when I dare
To break in a fussy young mare;
I go by the feel
And the wriggle and squeal.
Amd I don't have to see what is there.
--- John Miller

It is peaceful up north -- that is true,
But the folk have their privations too,
'Cause at sixty below
The bananas don't grow
And even the movies are blue.
--- Hugh Oliver 115a

Old Dief's oratorical pride
Flows on like a torrent's high tide.
A great river bed
One foot deep at the head;
At the mouth almost half a mile wide.
--- Hugh Oliver 122a

When questioned concerning her view,
A tourist replied that she knew
The meaning quite well
Of the letters FL
And would relish a stab at the Q.
--- Hugh Oliver 50b

Most Canadians happen to dwell
Near the forty-ninth north parallel
And observing the states,
Offer thanks to the fates
That old Brock and his boys fought so well.
--- Hugh Oliver 117a

Jean Drapeau, though a dreamer perchance,
Can envision his city's advanace
Till it spreads all the way
Up to far Hudson Bay
And the Metro's connected to France.
--- Keith MacMillan 50a

Although he will do you no harm,
The spectre of General Montcalm
On long summer nights
Wanders Abraham's Heights
Bidding someone to sound the alarm.
--- Hugh Oliver 122c

"O Canada" let us all sing
Till the birds in the forest take wing.
I know that the words
Were meant for the birds;
But it's better than "God Save The King."
--- Hugh Oliver 123a

Limerick is south of Regina,
Where I dallied with dear Angelina,
But the chick was so hairy,
I didn't long tarry,
When I couldn't untwine her vagina.
--- Hugh Clary

A lecher from old Saskatoon
Did all his best leching at noon,
Till he made rather free
With the Rose of Tralee,
By the Light of the Silvery Moon.
--- Keith MacMillan 83a

We started with colonization
Proceeding to Confederation.
We've fought a few wars
And now take a pause
For nation identification.
--- F P Hughes, Ontario 120a

Canadian girls have tenacity,
(Their rectums have ample capacity),
Skilled at fellation
And cock titillation,
They ravish their men with voracity.
--- Ward Hardman