A hot seminarian took a whore
And prone on her, lunged for the score.
Ordinarily I'd rate her with my loftier nature,
But sexual frustration make me flirt with damnation.
Now I'll hump you and thump you and abandonly pump you;

Churn your guts till you weep, "Please no more!"
--- Bruce

You've done what some here do abhore:
Not depicting lewd acts with a whore,
But breaking the norm
Of the limerick form.
So watch out, or they'll show you the door.
--- Tiddy Ogg

If there be any author of verse
(Whether excellent, weakish, or worse)
Who resents an omission
To obtain due permission,
From apology I'm not averse.
--- Harold C Bibby

A certain young man from East Glover
Was a most ardent limerick lover.
When he came to this part,
He read back to the start,
From cover to cover to cover.
--- Dean Walley

The limerick's lively to write;
Five lines to it -- all nice and tight.
Two long ones, two trick
Little short ones, then quick
As a flash, here's the last one in sight.
--- David McCord

The following content's unclean;
Don't view if you're under eighteen,
Or if you're a prude.
I write in the nude,
So they do not quite bear to be seen.
--- Phil T

Many friends to my help gladly came;
They sought neither favor nor fame:
If, despite all this aid,
Mistakes have been made,
The author alone is to blame.
--- Harold C Bibby

I've taken a two month vacation
From posting lims as a vocation.
But I've found that the lack
Made me sad, so I'm back;
I've been lurking and taking notation.
--- Anon

Soon it's National Poetry Months
But, in spite of my groaning and grunts,
To pen a wee ditty,
Alack, what a pity:
They all make me look like a dunce.
--- Anon

A horrible month was May!
My wife then found out she is gay.
She broke up our hitch;
Ran off with some bitch;
Now I just jack-off all day.
--- Jon Skelton

Time moved on to December.
Now all I do is remember
The sex that we had,
Sometimes real bad;
Then it wasn't me, just my member.
--- Jon Skelton

So here, the month is now June,
And I have turned into a loon.
My dick in my hand
Is so very grand,
That I now prefer it to poon.
--- Jon Skelton

Alas, and now comes September.
No longer, I play with my member.
It's not very stout;
I wore the thing out!
No pleasure for now will it render.
--- Jon Skelton

Is there a nice lim of the month
So that it will rhyme with the month.
Perhaps I am thick
With the brain of a brick,
And keep to a fairly dumb bunth.
--- Jim Mandel

Can the first of the month be the oneth,
'Cause then I can rhymbe with the month.
But I just don't know,
That I know I'm slow.
In class I was put with the dunth.
--- Jim Mandel

You mean: On the first of October,
While fucking my sister Sue's Dober-
Mann, it sunk its teeth
In the tender spot 'neath
My prick, and it near made me sober.
--- Tiddy Ogg

I won't do the first of the Junes;
It's been sung in a great many tunes.
And most of that shite
Is so very trite,
It deserves my very best moons.
--- Archie

There was an old man of St. Bees,
Who was stung on the arm by wasp.
When asked, "Does it hurt?"
He replied, "No, it doesn't.
I'm so glad it wasn't a hornet."
--- William S Gilbert

A pretty girl touring Versailles,
Remarked, "It's too bad; I could cry.
I've been here ten days,
And not gone to the Louvre."
"Never mind," someone said,

"It's probably the hard water."
--- Anon

The limerick is lean, tough and mean,
But it functions like any machine.
Give it fuel, give it air,
And just to be fair,
Take vacations in good old Racine.
--- Neal Wilgus P8505

The man from Nantucket would blush,
And tell his companion to hush.
If he could just see,
What's on pay TV,
He'd turn off the set in a rush.
--- Larry Davis P8507

A poet with myrtle
And intellect fertile
Can write
A limerick curtal.
--- Laurence Perrine P8505

The ' sits all aglow
As high as a [ can go.
Looking down at the trash
Like the - and the --
And it sneers at the , below.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 P8508

There was a lovely young miss,
Who went down to the river to read.
A young man in a punt,
Stuck an oar in her eye,
And now she has to wear glasses.
--- Anon

There was an old harlot named Hearst
Who tied a black wreath on her womb.
Said the doctor, a cynic,
"Oh my dearest, you thrill me,
But a llama is Numero Uno."
--- Al Chaplin P8603

A handsome young monk in the wood,
Who wished he had never been born,
When asked to account
For his low bestial sport,
Halfway up the lieutenant's intestine.
--- Al Chaplin P8605

There was an old whore of Azores
Who tried the fandango on skates.
Said the Vicar, "Good gracious,
I hear someone coming."
Said the grocer, "I'll skin back and see."
--- Albin Chaplin P8601

The Duchess, when pouring out tea,
Was raped in the garden by seven.
But, alas, halfway over
Her mother said: "Nelly --
De minimis not curat lex."
--- Arthur Deex P8510

There was an old abbot of Khief,
Discovered a fossil colossal.
At a masquerade ball
He deflowered young owls
And voted for Governor Wallace
--- Arthur Deex P8512

Lord Randall, on top of his tart,
One Easter eve supped on papaya.
But the mettlesome bitch
She whipped out her glass eye,
And his parents were quite overjoyed.
--- Arthur Deex P8606

A young man with passions quite gingery,
Who drank till he ruined his kidney.
He said, "Bugger the Crown,
But please put the light out
When there's no one about in the quad."
--- Arthur Deex P8607

There was a young Queen of Baroda
Who was nicer by far that her sister:
Her breast in white satins
Hung down to his knees.
She never had washed it in years.
--- Arthur Deex P8608

There once was a maiden from Sydney,
Who boarded a bus in a trance;
The dogs at her feet
Suggested coition,
From Johann Sebastian Bach.
--- Ed Potts P8602a

This is file jxm

There once was a man from Pawtucket,
Who wrote poems that never would scan.
When his balls banged together,
As I feared from the start,
It's the people in front get the jar.
--- Fred Cohen P8511

Said the mythical King of Algiers
Who kept a dead whore in a cave,
Just look at me, Joe
All ass and no forehead,
Of such is the kingdom of heaven.
--- Martin Wellborn P8509

A well-endowed Scot named McAmiter
Took a lesbian up to his room.
Then he clanged them together,
Which rendered him nutless,
So he finished her off in mid-air.
--- Robin K Willoughby P8507a

There was a young man from St Paul,
Who went to a birth control ball;
He said, "I admit
The partition split,
Front page, sporting section, and all."
--- Tom Rudy P8609

There was a young fellow named Cass,
By all of the lads in his class
Nor would he have been
As he wiped off his chin;
It was gray, had long ears, and ate grass.
--- Tom Rudy P8609

There once was a plumber from Leigh,
Who came home as drunk as could be;
A woman is fine,
At half-past nine,
Enjoyed in the highest degree.
--- Tom Rudy P8609

A sickly old preacher named Hyde,
Who ate some green apples and died;
In case you were blind,
Please go in from behind,
She now does her work on the side.
--- Tom Rudy P8609

There was a young man from Peru,
Who said, as the Bishop withdrew,
"His wife in despair
Of his his lady's affair,
Nine thousand, five hundred, and two."
--- Tom Rudy P8609P

Said a greedy old piggie, "Although
The sows leave when they've eaten enough,
I still squat in the slough
With my snout in the trough,
I will never admit I am through."
--- Anon

So there you are out on a bough--
Your wife just told you that you're through;
Partner stole the dough,
You've a two-year cough--
So as you jump you cry, "Enough!"
--- Irving Superior P9007

There once was a man from Dunoon,
Who always ate soup with a fork.
He said, "When I eat
Either fish, fowl, or flesh,
I otherwise finish too quick.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

There's a limerick brimm1ng with wit,
Which does not contain the word "shit."
Its B rhymes are perfect
Likewise the meter
Needless to say, this ain't it.
--- Michael Weinstein P9106

There was an old man of Tobago
Whose Limerick jokes did too far go;
Till a kick on the seat
Made him much more discreet.
He wonders now, "When will the scar go?"
--- Langford Reed (Bibby)

Said a great English writer, "Oh, Shaw!
My testes are small as the Dickens."
Said his surgeon, "Great Scott!
Here's a fine pair-o'-Keats';
I'll transplant them and make your Balsworthy."
--- Anon

------- ------- is colored, they say.
------- ------- is a terrible lay.
------- ------- is a kike,
------- ------- is a dyke,
And President ------- is gay.

(a do-it-yourself insulting limerick - McW)
--- G2494

Enough of this x-rated stuff,
This talk of the pole and the muff.
I'm keeping it clean,
Attempting to wean
Myself off, and this ain't no bluff.
--- Anon

I bet you won't last one whole day,
Before x-rated stuff you will say.
It just ain't in the cards
For us poets and bards,
To not write about romps in the hay.
--- Anon

Good Sir, I look to the sky,
To the Light and the Truth upon high.
My spirit needs more;
To it sex is a bore;
The pathway to Heaven is nigh.
--- Anon

Now before you begin this damnation,
Let me offer this small consolation,
You really shouldn't mind,
For where else could you find,
Such a fine and free sex education.
--- Anon

True, what is learned is without illustrations,
And somee are sure wild fabrications,
But when studies are done,
At Alt. Jokes Lims. 101,
You'll be thankful for past participation.
--- Anon

We prove that we can, given time,
Write prose thoughts in rhythm and rhyme.
But a limerick needs more
If it really will score,
Humor or beauty sublime.
--- Fred Cohen P8505

But to warn you, just let me say
Many limericks are often risque.
If they are not to your taste
You need no more time waste,
Grant me pardon, and be on your way.
--- Warrick Elrod

To stand out, a limerick needs clarity,
And maybe some sleaze and vulgarity.
Five liner acclaim
For dude rhymer or dame,
Can be won by adding hilarity.
--- Esther Koch P0201

It engenders annoyance collective
And translates it into an invective
To which one may give vent
Since we tend to resent
Dealing with hearing which is selective.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0201

Whilst vying to out-smut each other,
You've gone and disturbed our dear mother.
She came for a read,
And left at full speed.
Could you include "hard-core" on the cover?
--- Kim and Sam

Do you think that mama doesn't know
What's what? Well, it's only for show.
Mama thinks that you two
Are both too young to
Know that she knows what you know!
--- Marlene Lewis

Can you do me a lim not sexual?
One that is more intellectual.
Just straight rhyme and meter;
Once again, I repeat 'er.
Your brain muscles all you should flexual.
--- Arden

There once was a girl named Ramone,
Who bathed with a granite soapstone.
Not too good with dirt,
But it sure didn't hurt,
When she washed where the sun never shone.
--- MrMalo

Sex can be like a limerick;
It's best when it's tight and it's slick.
When the end arises,
It's often surprises;
That makes the climax come quick.
--- Anon

But the meter's a bugger to master
Especially when nature says "faster".
In OUT in out IN
Ain't the rhythm of sin,
But a recipe made for disaster.
--- Anon

Composing this verse reprehensible
And probably incomprehensible,
Caused anxious distress
With my girl, I confess,
For it used all the lead in my pencible.
--- Anon

Now maybe your pencil is stressed.
Or maybe you're big in the breast.
Whatever the reason,
Regardless of season,
You must take a wonderous lead test.
--- Anon

Despite what's been said about clean
Limericks, I just prefer the obscene;
For I can't get enough
Of the loving and stuff
And everything else in between.
--- Peter Wilkins

Clean lims are boring, no fun!
They look like the work of a nun.
Even if they have meter,
Believe me friend Peter,
Nothing beats a good dirty pun.
--- Nikita