To prove I'm not always obscene,
Here's a verse which is squeaky and clean.
It's as boring as shit,
But it won't mention tit,
For I think you can guess what I mean.
--- Peter Wilkins

You've noticed I've taken the cure
From Doc Petal, who's sweet and demure.
(But I'll just probe her tight
Little cunny tonight,
After that, I'll be constantly pure.)
--- Peter Wilkins

My limericks are only suggestive.
I find the porn ones indigestive. (I know, I know)
In verse about farts
Or one's private parts,
There's not much to think of as festive.
--- Bill Taylor P9911

When "bawdy" is all one can write
And thinks that such stuff is all right,
And all of his words
Are appealing as turds,
It's certain he can't be too bright.
--- Bill Taylor P9911

Why must limericks be so disgusting?
I'll campaign for porn limerick "busting".
Let's clean up the verse
Before it gets worse,
And gets so hot it starts combusting.
--- Bill Taylor P9911

I hate limericks that are dirty.
I want all of them to be purty. (I know, I know)
Four letter word writing
Just ain't exciting
To us way, way, way over thirty.
--- Bill Taylor P9911

A limerick that isn't obscene
Has a right to be written and seen.
The fauna and flora
Are no match for Gomorrah,
But for once, here's a poem that is clean.
--- Laurence Perrine

I read the last lim that you wrote,
And noticed it's Gomorrah you quote.
In our world which is modern
Many men prefer Sodom;
For ladies, it quite gets their goat.
--- Bob Mornington

This verse, for example, has naught
That you couldn't show your grandma; in short
It's as dull as can be
In this limerick sea,
And expresses no serious thought.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

I guess I could comment on wars,
Or the carpets which lie on my floors,
Or the rain on the plain
Which falls mainly in Spain,
Or the interesting subject of doors.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Or trigometrical functions
And planetary/solar conjunctions;
Or what about coffee
Molasses and toffee,
Or perfume and similar unctions?
--- Jim Weaver Collection

This matter complex may perplex,
As confused as an Oedipus rex;
What you think is obscene,
I choose not to demean,
Though my sex is another man's vex.
--- Joel D Ash

Books and movies the uptight may scorn;
That will damage a mind these folks warn.
For a normal adult,
This view is an insult,
Because porn should not leave you forlorn.
--- Joel D Ash

I ignore all the puritan scolders,
With enjoyment of thigh, breast, and shoulders;
Why should I exclude
The sight of a nude;
Art depends on the eye of beholders.
--- Joel D Ash

The perusal of scenes photographic,
So intense that they are pyrographic;
Smut or fine art?
It depends on your heart.
Some great artists were thought pornographic.
--- Joel D Ash

Magazines with erotic in print,
With a clarity more that mere hint;
The Penthouse too hot?
Broad-minded or not,
The frontiers pushed by Larry Flint.
--- Joel D Ash

Good clean fun or a sick bailiwick?
"There once was a man" type limerick;
Clever rhymes bringing joy,
A few gross ones -- oh boy!
But you should have the freedom to pick.
--- Joel D Ash

I came here to find me a limerick.
But what I found made me feel quite sick.
There's nobody home,
Neither limerick or poem,
So I guess I'll just pull on my dick.
--- E W Swan

A swan song, so graceful and calm,
"I'm seeking some limerick balm.
But there's nothing here,
So, sadly, I fear,
I'll have to go play with my palm."
--- Confused

This cupboard's indeed rather bare;
You'll find better bones "over there".
In fact you will find,
More stuff for you mind,
Than you'll find just about anywhere.
--- John Miller

Alright. So it's quiet and lean.
But the limericks, when sent, are all clean.
Not like AJL,
The Net-Nanny Hell,
So write some yourself and be seen!
--- Tobias

I'll not mention tits; I'll just suck 'em.
The other rude bits, I'll just fuck 'em.
You needn't be rude
Writing limericks crude.
Throw them at me, I'll just duck 'em.
--- Archie

I'll let you suck, I don't mind,
As long as you're gentle and kind.
But as for my muff,
It likes it quite rough,
Especially when done from behind.

But sweet Jayne, you can't be too crude,
Especially while you're being screwed!
Will you bark like a dog
If I rut like a hog?
(I insist we do it while nude.)
--- Archie

A salute to the ladies who post
To the news group that I love the most.
They bring a fresh slant
That us gentlemen can't;
To these ladies the following toast:
--- John Miller 0146

To the girls who post her, three loud cheers!
They are better by far than their peers.
And to those who would snicker
"But can they hold their liquor?"
I answer, "You bet--by the EARS!"
--- John Miller 0146a

What you sent for this month was quite clean
And I longed for some verses obscene;
Something filthy and crude,
At best smutty, not rude,
With subjects more sexy than mean.
--- Bob Birch P0800

Dear Bob, I know just what you mean.
But my writers are callow and green.
They haven't the wit
To get past bum and tit,
Robbing Peta to pay off Pauline.
--- Arthur Deex P0800

I prefer all my limericks clean,
But must I define what I mean?
Risque is all right
If they're funny and bright,
But I know when I see what's obscene.
--- Connie Jessen P9102

I don't mind a double entendre,
But let me not dawdle or maunder.
I can't join your SIG
Because it's too big
On verses that I want to launder.
--- Connie Jessen P9102

Some limericks were once here begotten
By gals but it seems they've forgotten
Their rhymes and their wit,
'Cause nothings been writ
In ages, by them about twatten.
--- Travis Brasell

But don't be discouraged! The day
Will come when you'll once again play;
However, sweet lass,
Since you've amassed gas,
I want to be quite far away.
--- Travis Brasell

These limericks are strictly PG
And so clean they bore even me.
But, hey, what the fuck?
Buddy, you're in luck,
For at least all my drivel is free!
--- Lynn Mostafa

This is file jwm

A poet's wife uttered a curse,
"You'd rather rhyme than fill our purse."
Her husband said, mildly,
"Don't carry on wildly --
You married for better or verse."
--- Cynthia MacGregor

The very best limerick collections,
Especially bawdy selections,
Are read by the fellows
In high class bordellos
To while away time 'twixt erections.
--- Ed Potts P8505

A youngster, who thought it was cool,
Brought a limerick book into school;
He recited a bit,
And the teach' had a fit,
And detained him for breaking the rule.
--- Cap'n Bean

There once was a teacher named Gray,
Who said to her students one day,
"Now, you have until one,
To get a limerick done."
The class groaned the hour away.
--- Bill Wall

Begosh and begorra! A contest running
To see whose limerick is most stunning.
We must try to compose
And maybe earn a rose,
As we go down the halls of fame, humming.
--- Therese Marie Ciciora

The limerick is certainly handy
When you're feeling mind-numbingly randy.
If you're getting lewd urges,
Then verbalized surges
Of seminal content, are dandy.
--- Jester Jon

You'd like to establish your copyright,
But sadly, the rhythm's a choppy write,
And the danger is zilch
That someone will filch
A negligent, slapdash, or sloppy write.
--- Hugh Clary

He knows where the limerick's at;
He'll produce them in ten seconds flat.
With a flash and a pop,
They appear at the drop
Of a word or a hint of a hat.
--- Joan Butler P0609

I'm sorry for writing this shit,
But I'm afraid you must still suffer it.
For now my great plan
Is to fail my exams,
And the limericks are doing their bit.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

When limericker breaks, I forget
The fun that I have on the 'net,
When trading sick quips,
'Bout licks, sucks and nips,
You fellas sure can get me wet.

Said Bessie to Travis Brasell,
My backside is starting to swell,
And it's getting sore;
And you're such a bore...
Go write a few lims for a spell!
--- Observer

I'm going to write yet another -
This one goes out to my brother.
Don't be upset by the fact,
Your girlfriend I packed -
For details please read the other!
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Do not search for a limerick rhyme
For a significant period of time;
Just adapt an old syl-
lable, hoping it will
Not disclose a grammatical crime.
--- R J Winkler P8505

I don't think you want to fuck him, Rick.
For, though he is slender and trim, Rick,
When you say, "Let us lay,"
He will answer "O.K.,
But first let me tell you this limerick!"
--- G2699

A Limerick not up to scratch?
I find them quite tricky to match
With th ones that were written
With which you were smitten
Last term. Well here's a new batch.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

An occasional chaser of chicks,
Too old for his usual tricks,
Now uses his head,
Writing limericks instead,
And, thus, using words, gets his kicks.
--- Al Willis P9702

My birthday's gift's overdue,
I knew that you liked limericks, too;
For your thanks, just agree
That you'll stick up for me;
Remember -- I stuck up for you.

(advice from a father to his son)
--- Robin K Willoughby P8505 a

Can a lim be composed in Chinese?
Does a Chink eating Chow get obese?
I just got the word
That I'm getting absurd,
So now I'll desist and decease.
--- Anon

OK, please desist, but not decease;
This comes from retired MDs.
Must a lim be ribald
To gain a foothold,
BTW, what was her name in Chinese?
--- Anon

The rhythm involved in a limerick
Is such a predictable gimmerick.
If brains, you've got some,
You know what's to come,
Or at least you know something quite simmerick.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

I'm singing the limerick blues;
I woke up today with no shoes;
I woke up this morn
In a battered and worn
Cardboard carton in Burlington Mews.
--- Peter Wilkins

Ah turned on the radio news;
Mah radio done blew a fuse;
It crackled; it hissed;
It went bang an' I'm pissed
An' I'm singin' the limerick blues.
--- Peter Wilkins

I'm singing and wailing the blues;
I ain't got no money for booze;
My babe done me wrong
When she laughed at my dong,
And I'm singing the limerick blues.
--- Peter Wilkins

Ah'm singin' the limerick blues;
No money for bourbon an' booze;
Ah woke up this morn
An' mah baby was gorn
An' I'm missin' her regular screws.
--- Peter Wilkins

Mah baby she gone done me wrong,
An' that's why I'm singin' this song.
Mah baby done left;
I'm feelin' bereft,
Since she chewed off the end of mah dong.
--- Peter Wilkins

She chewed off the end mah dong;
(Mah dong, I said man, not mah jong.
Mah jong is a game
But mah dong is gone lame.)
For mah baby she gone done me wrong.
--- Peter Wilkins

Ah can't get me no satisfaction;
Ah can't get no piece of the action.
Mah babe done me wrong
When she chewed up mah dong
An' the doc's gone an' put it in traction.
--- Peter Wilkins

I'm singing the limerick blues;
No money for regular booze.
There ain't not a lot'll
Left here in this bottle;
I'm singing the methylene blues.
--- Peter Wilkins

I'm singing the ethylene blues
Way down here in Burlington Mews.
My babe done me wrong,
So I'm singing this song,
And I'm sick of the limerick blues.
--- Peter Wilkins

I'm tired of the limerick blues
And dossing in Burlington Mews;
No money for booze,
No radio news,
And no woman for regular screws.
--- Peter Wilkins

There once was a guy with the blues
Who rhymed about all of the dues
He had paid to get laid;
But the rhymes that he made,
Made no mention of jews or of cooz!
--- Brian Belge

In the land of the red, white, and blue,
Reading limericks is just what we do.
But in Soviet Russia
And what used to be Prussia,
The violent limericks read you.
--- Anon

If you like peace and will always find
That violence is bad and unkind,
This will do the trick.
Just read a limerick;
You will have an improved state of mind.
--- Anon