The Blarney Stone still spins the money,
If you kiss it, your talk flows like honey,
But if on it you sit,
You could excel at wit,
And the final results are quite funny.
--- Myler Magrath P8605

There was a young miss from Killarney,
Who did everything but kiss the Blarney.
When asked why, she spat,
"Do you think I'm a bat!
Or otherwise totally barmy?"
--- Narni

I can't blame her from passing the stone.
It's cleanliness never's been known.
For local lads soil it
And use for a toilet;
A crime for which none will atone.
--- Liam na Beag

To honor Ireland's patron Saint,
Nicole and Liam decide to paint
Upon their lap
An Irish map,
That Kindell and Leigha think is quaint!
--- Dick Hull

Donnegal's women are fair,
But give you a gimlet-eyed glare.
If ever you try
To capture their eye,
Be ready to prove that you care.
--- Anon

In the middle of Dublin's fair heart,
There's a wonderful work of fine art.
It's a statue fo Molly,
Complete with her trolly;
They call it "The Tart With The Cart."
--- Anon

In Dublin, I have seen that sweet tart
Who sells cockles and mussels from her cart.
She's quite a fair lass
With a trim little ass,
That with my muscle I'd like to part.
--- Saint

In the Emerald Isle, County Cork,
Raven-haired young colleen, Kate O'Rourke,
Had a slithering walk,
Which made all the lads gawk
And entitle her, "Duchess of Torque."
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0201

If ever you're tired and weary,
And need to be happy and cheery,
Then hop on a boat;
'Cross the Irish Sea float,
And visit the port of Dunleary.
--- Tiddy Ogg

A sheepherder counting his flock
Blundered into a big granite rock.
On shamrocks he tumbled,
Self-confidence crumbled,
He suffered numerical shock.
--- Anon

G Adams spoke well of disarmin',
But lest ye blokes think this alarmin':
Let the English surrender
Their weapons and tender
A kiss on the arse, now that's charmin'!

(head of Sinn Fein? - McW)
--- Anon

In Dublin there was an old fey Mick
Who always was seeking that stray trick
And specifically wowed
Most by those well endowed,
And referred to by all as a gay lick.
--- Bob Giandomenico P9111

An Irish lass in Gloccamora
Said, "Fuck me, but first loccadoora;"
The laws that we've got
Prohibit paid twat;
Be careful when you coccawhora!"
--- Anon

To Dublin, that town on the Liffey,
To Janet, Jim wrote: "I've a stiffy.
I'll just have a shag
In this wee padded bag.
Be there soon. I'll come in a jiffy."
--- Anon

There was a young man from the Maigue;,
Gaelic speaker, no doubt, and a Teague;
Has the tongue that he spoke.
Almost spoke its last croak,
Now we all share the speech of Bill Craig?
--- Archie

There is a Green Isle in the West
With abundance of provender blest;
Unconscripted and pampered,
But rations unhampered,
Yet deeming herself most distressed.
--- Anon Punch 1918 (Bibby)

Whilst in Ireland, they're living in hope
Of the end of Loyalist vs Pope.
They'd all start to dance,
If given the chance
To show Adams and Paisley the rope!
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Jonah had only one wish,
But instead was eaten by a fish.
I'll bet you a buck,
With this kind of luck,
He must have been totally Irish.
--- Chris

To the Irish the ultimate horror,
Worse than Sodom and worse than Gomorrah,
Is surely the way
We expect them to say
Things like Jaysus, begob and begorra.
--- John Mills, Christchurch

To Ireland I want to go
With kids and a husband in tow.
We'll see all the green
And sights to be seen,
And fun will be had, this I know.
--- Intell

To an island off Kerry we rode fast.
'Twas truly our link with the past.
Would stories be true?
Would Grandpa know who
Was touching his island at last?
--- Jim Weaver Collection

There once was an Irish vacation
Which gave me this view of the nation:
Green Kerry was clean.
Grafitti unseen,
'Cept "Kathleen was here," in Glen Station.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

An old Irish family called Carey,
Lived in the big house in Tipperary.
The house attained fame,
Not because of its name,
'Twas a breeding spot of the Irish Canary!
--- Arthur Pattaffy

Now a warrior princess named Olga
Was a champion of Upper Volga.
She sailed West to Eire
Chu Chullain to dare,
But she succumbed to his big Gae Bolga. [?]
--- Anon

In Limerick there is a colleen
Whose whole pubic area's green.
On each of her tits
A harp proudly sits,
With shamrocks to round off the scene.
--- Prof

To see this erotic display,
All Ireland is willing to pay.
The women to view her,
The men folks to screw her:
She's available July to May.
--- Prof

Each May this colleen can afford
To go on vacation abroad,
Along with a peer
Who loves her most dear.
Yes folks, you've guessed, I'm that lord.
--- Prof

I'm from Ireland, I must confess.
I'm drinking no more and no less.
I came here to learn
And will likely return
With a master's degree in B.S.
--- Dirruk

You came here to learn about what?
The learning channel it's not.
We're here, not for knitting
But merely bullshitting
About chicks, pricks, boobies and twat.
--- Dirruk

In Limerick where once I did stay,
I aimed for a romp in the hay,
But couldn't have guessed
How green and how blessed,
How charming the land of the lay.
--- Armand Singer

An Irish lass loves not her lover
So much as she loves his love of her.
Then loves she her lover
For love of her lover,
Or love of her love of her lover?
--- Linda Marsh Coll

There was a Wyse Bishop named Jackson;
On subjects he had many cracks on;
With the poets of the Maigue
He was not at all vague,
Though his name was not Gaelic but Saxon.
--- Henry Lorton

When two Irishmen meet, it's all blather,
Talk of Blarney, the Guinness, or heather.
Their families and ways
Back to the good old days;
They don't even mention the weather.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

This is file jkm

In O'Reilly's pub, a young lass
Reacted to Seamus's pass
By kicking his throat,
Then started to gloat,
"You picked the wrong lass to harass."
--- Anon

The tourist lamented, "It grieves,
That no part of my story deceives.
In Ireland, you see,
They serve shamrock tea;
Some water well-boiled with three leaves.
--- 500 Irish Jokes & Lims

In Donnybrook dwells a strange race
So far from the Queen - what disgrace!
But they strive to be merry,
With pre-dinner sherry --
And they toast her, and roast her, with grace!
--- Linda Marsh Coll

A neat Irish maiden called Greta,
Was so short, she was less than a metre.
When told that her figure
Would not grow any bigger,
Said small packages always stay neater.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

If your longing for Ireland is troublin',
Have a Guiness; a pint black and bubblin'.
You're still missing the isle?
Have two more, wait awhile,
Look outside and your view will be Dublin.
--- Anon

An anthropologist know just as Jim
Said the Irish have always been dim.
But as for the Welsh,
They're nothing much else,
Than Irish that learned how to swim.
--- Friar TP9806A

And here's to the good old Cape Clear -
Where long after midnight flows beer.
And the Capers so gay
Work twelve hours a day --
At free grants and free dole they just jeer!
--- Linda Marsh Coll

There's nowt wrong with Manchester, pal,
Near there was born this young gal.
Our beer is better,
But our climate is wetter;
Pros and cons of each I could tell.
--- Joy Clare

However in this I'll be fair,
British beer is beyond compare.
I've tried twenty-five,
In pub, bar, and dive,
Not one has equivalents here.
--- Mike Patterson A4

During opening hours at our pub,
There is plenty of drink and good grub.
If you want just a nibble,
The Younger Miss Tribble
Runs our ball games and Cockfighting Club.
--- G0164

For awhile, I will not be here;
I'll be off sucking down English beer
In the land of the Bard.
Hope I find something hard;
If I do you'll all hear me cheer.
--- Cheryl

A summer in England did vex
Three American girls from South Hex.
Excessively British,
The men were quite skittish,
And much preferred dartboards to sex.
--- G0663

A jolly old tippler named Charlie,
Engaged in a pub in a parley,
With a wink said, "I think
That your drink's turning pink;
A sign of inferior barley."
--- Cyber Geezer

The Brits are idiosyncratic
And their driving is rather erratic.
There may not be sun
But the pubs are great fun,
And the sausage and mash aromatic.
--- PeterW

There was a young lady of Hub,
Went with her beau to the pub.
But her Momma espied her,
To the bathroom, she hied her,
And Oh! how she made that girl scrub!
--- Anon

Visit London and Edinburgh town;
Try Newcastle Ale which is brown.
And Lancashire's great.
(If you're offered a plate
Of black pudding, then try not to frown.)
--- PeterW

Pat and Mike loved their trip to the pub;
It was like having a sip at the club.
The joke of their lives:
It was their poor wives,
Who laid out the cash for their sub.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

Aberdeen, finest city of granite,
With a number of thoroughfares which span it,
And some bridges they say,
Quite like the one o'er the Tay
Near by Dundee, fairest town on the planet.

(WTM 1825-1902)
--- William Topaz McGonigall

A Scotsman who sat on a thistle;
Got up quickly, with a short whistle.
"If I knew not before,
Now I'm very sure,
That my sit-upon's not made of gristle".
--- Arthur Pattaffy Q

I offer this not to be snide,
But as merely a joke that's "inside."
I think it's amusing
For Scots to be using
"Bonnie" to describe the River Clyde.
--- Loren Fitzhugh

McCullough, a Scotsman named Jim,
Disliked Brits, but not on a whim.
He said, "They're not bright,
But when seen in the light,
Some's not bad, like HER or like HIM.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

'Tis said that the city was built
By men with the rocks in their kilt.
So those phallic skyers
Were really not spires,
But boners no woman could wilt.
--- Anon

There was an old man of Kirkwall
Who could scarcely speak English at all.
But nevertheless
He was quite a success
At the last Caledonian ball.
--- Randall Davies P0900

The Campbells, the couple next door,
Are over-sexed people, I'm sure.
And it sounds by the shrieks
And the way their bed creaks,
That the Campbells are coming once more!
--- Michael Horgan P0410

An extravagant Scotsman, you say?
Who'd be willing to pay his own way?
Though told with conviction,
This story's pure fiction!
They'll not give you the time of day!
--- Tiddy Ogg

My Erm's set off north to the border,
To keep those damned Scotsmen in order,
And see how they're built,
There under the kilt,
But the mean bastards just can't afford her.
--- Anon

How dare those damn Scots be so cheap!
Poor Ermintrude's price ain't that steep,
At least when compared
To dimes that I've spared,
To shepherds for time with the sheep!
--- Anon

A rather odd Scotsman called Jock
Insists upon wearing a frock,
Though the cold winter breezes
That blow 'round his kneeses
Have frozen the end of his cock.
--- Michael Horgan

Jim McTavish, municipal baillie, (alderman)
Would dance up a storm at a ceilidh. (party, dance)
He'd birl and jig (twirl)
After taking a swig
Of a swally that's crakin and ale-y. (swally - beverage)

(crakin - nice)
--- Rory Ewins

A romantic extravagant Scottie,
From Glasgow went wooing the totty. (dazed)
They thought he was dotty
And snotty and potty
To call himself Donald Quixote.
--- Peter Wilkins

Oh Edinburgh! Wonderful city
Of sweet Caledonian titty.
On every street
There are girlies in heat
With the choicest selection of kitty.
--- Peter Wilkins

Ask a Scotsman with tartany hat
'Bout the noumbers, and where tae start at,
And he'll say (for a bevvie
Of Belhaven heavy),
Och, ane is the one for a' that.
--- David Morin

In the Gaelic world the old Celts
Dined on haggis and sometimes on smelts.
Their nights were all fair,
Thanks to the highland air,
And the fact they'd knocked back a few belts.
--- Jim Weaver Collection