Your nice words will not be forgotten;
This group is devoid of the rotten.
I'm still learning this art
And you're doing your part.
I thank you from the heart of my bottom.
--- Aussie Owl

Although my verses may not be perfection
And some of them might cause objection
From those of the right,
Who proclaim me a blight,
And so honor me by their rejection.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0607

The first line should set up your scene;
The second expound what you mean;
The next two you face
Must quicken the pace,
For a punchline that makes readers beam.
--- Jarmo

A syllable-count's a conceit;
You have to remember the beat.
Shoehorn the scansion
As best as you can, son,
And where you can't find a rhyme, cheat!
--- Jarmo

In limericks we charge to the VAWARD
Though many will say we are wayward
To find humor in sin
Using words not found in
Proper discourse by the fey horde.
--- J'Carlin

My acquaintances thinks that I'm strange,
That my mind is completely deranged,
For writing such verse
That's so grim and perverse,
But I know I'm not likely to change.
--- Cap'n Bean P0304

My verses have never made sense
'Cause I write them in imperfect tense.
Perfection is God's,
So what are the odds
Of me writing perfectly hence.
--- Dan Parslow

Perhaps we should strive for high culture,
Consider a change for the future,
Let's go highbrow with times
And foresake our base rhymes,
And improve man's common base nuture.
--- Anon

The doctrine of Kain's Kafka-esque:
Whilst limericks are simply burlesque,
His odd inquisition
Won't cut my emission,
Of verse feting babes statuesque.
--- Anon

It really does take a stout-hearted
And bona fide fool to get started
In limerick doodles,
But I've found that oodles
Of folks who have tried have just farted.
--- Travis Brasell

Now there are a couple of fools
Who supposedly know all the rules.
Examples from Ward
Are consistently marred
With an odor of buffalo stools.
--- Hugh Clary

Occasionally I will dash
Off lines for the public mish-mash.
But, John, please consult
Before you insult;
It's cards, checks, money orders or cash!

I wish I could write them like Hugh,
A wordsmith that few can out do,
But no one's more witty
Than sheep-loving Tiddy,
When penning a poem 'bout a ewe.
--- Randog

"Though the limerick I wrote had a flaw,"
Said McGill, "It still sticks in my craw,
That my heartless young niece
Had the limerick police
Bring me here to this psyche ward to draw!"
--- Observer

"All limericks are gay," stated Ted,
While he was bent over, cheeks spread.
"This, I've ascertained,"
He wisely explained,
"While I was inserting my head."
--- Observer

It seems that a new Harvard, Ted,
Believes that the limerick is dead.
He's read some of Tiddy's
Perverse little ditties,
But can't understand what he's read.
--- Cyber Wizard

You're a troll, Teddy Harvard, for shame!
Please don't dis our limerick game.
If they don't excite you,
It's clear you can't write. You
Could not get into your surname.
--- Cyber Wizard

The limerick, now Ted, has no gender,
So be you a front or rear ender,
Go scribble a verse
In this form most perverse,
And when you have done so, then send her.
--- Tiddy Ogg

It is true, dears, that limericks are gay.
Don't we all like to storm the parquet,
Rhyming bawdy and lewd
Things about getting screwed,
And a lot more exciting affray?
--- Ulla

On the surface your statement seems crappy;
Full of it. Meaningless. Sappy.
But out of the blue,
I find it is true!
Gay originally meant "happy!"
--- Chris Anton

A landlord from Maigueside, O'Toumy,
Hated verses, long winded and gloomy.
On the Limerick he hit,
For its scarifying wit,
In a setting sufficiently roomy.
--- Archie

Your girl and your limericks sound fine,
And I almost could wish they were mine.
Just a little more practice
Will avoid flying cactus,
Tomatoes, and fruits of the vine.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

A critic who worked for the Times
Says limericks are mostly all iams.
His statement, majestic,
"Forget anapestic."
Suggests he eats pet food most times.

(iams - commercial pet food in USA)
--- Tom Patton P9808

What! Sully our art for mere CASH?
I'd pay a pert girl for her gash,
But long 'fore the day
I'd insult you with pay,
I'll sit down and write my own trash.

Your story about Jane and Marty
Was clever and just a bit arty.
The readers today
Like sex and horseplay.
Beef it up and include a stag party.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Your rhyming is never too bad;
If only your meter, too, had
Some semblance of form,
That stayed near the norm,
Neither Dan nor I would be sad.
--- Chris Papa

Last May I turned eighty-three,
And I'm just an unlettered PE.
I write these for fun
And not for the mon.
I don't know why I need lectures from thee.
--- William K Alsop Jr

Even those here who hate that low bastard,
Get pissed when our newsgroup is plastered
With long-winded SPAM,
So we hope you will scram
'Till the limerick form you have mastered.
--- Anon

Since puns are the low form of wit --
Atrocious, the lowest of it --
I'll not stoop that low;
I'll dignity show;
So that no one on my verse will spit.

(So no one will call me a shit.)
--- Irving Superior P9206

Your limericks I thought were quite fine;
The best I have heard in some time.
But if I tried to do it,
I surely would screw it,
'Cause I think my long suite's not in rhyme.
--- Bob McCarthy

The limericist must be astute --
His ear for the rhyme most acute.
But though it's fine art,
He knows in his heart,
That nobody quite gives a hoot.
--- Norm Storer P9812

That limericks can get over-zealous
Is something nobody should tell us,
But I try to avoid
Getting gals paranoid
Or making their sex-partners jealous.
--- Anon

When shitting your pants in this place,
You oughtn't be taking up space,
With aught but a lim
Or the chances are slim,
That you'll leave without shit on your face.
--- Anon

This is file jhm

Hi Tiddy, H.C., and whoever,
It's Narni of the Never-Never,
Just dropping a line,
Between caskets of wine,
To 'pine about the lack of verse clever.
--- Narni

By that, I don't mean that you lack;
Reversely, you're on the "write" track.
It's just that some others
With whom I'm not bothered,
Are making us all cop their flak.
--- Narni

Because I don't post much don't mean
That that which is posted ain't seen
By us lurkers and poets
Who read and then goeth
'Forsooth' to our own worlds to dream.
--- Narni

It's a fact that for some there's no romance;
No reason or rhyme in the word dance.
But jotters who care
Will keep posting here,
Because perchance is better than no chance.
--- Narni

You folks from the Yorkshire coast, sunny,
Who're plagued by this plagiarist bunny,
Must surely deplore
This limerick whore,
For what isn't old, isn't funny.
--- Anon

I hardly know where to begin -
Bad limericks seem to be "in" -
With rhymes that don't quite;
Verse meterless, trite -
Their damn gold stars get under my skin!
--- Jim Weaver Collection

It's sad, but it seems you're both leavin';
There's bound to be bawlin' and greivin'.
But, in your own case,
You'll be savin' face,
'Cause lim-writin' you ain't perceivin'!
--- Anon

I'll excuse you for being so young,
As a poet you still are unsung,
But your rhymes lame your lim,
In defense of Troll Jim,
Unredeemed by the mention of dung.
--- Ward Hardman

Do you know "Popeye the Sailor Man?"
Sing your lims to that, if you can.
They they'll sound just right
With meter that's tight
And won't belong in the trash can.
--- Marlene Lewis

I'm happy today to suggest
This limerick quality test:
'Tis well that the rhyme
Give message sublime,
But copious porn is the best.
--- The Sailor P0306

Dear Madam, I think you're mistook;
For your efforts I DO give a fuck.
I love how you write
About carnal delight;
It was pretty damned good by my book.
--- Anon

I'm sorry that somehow I read
The opposite meaning instead
It happens sometimes
When thinking in rhymes
'Twas kind words, now, I see you said.
--- Anon

There once was a writer whose verse
Was more than just bad; it was worse.
Her sticky-sweet rhyme
(So far from sublime!)
Was so stiff it required a hearse!
--- Gene Williamson

Bad verse tends to the salacious;
Bodily functions amaze us.
Public mitosis
And bad halitosis
And limericks tend not to be gracious.
--- Anon

You wankers are filthy as hell,
And these limericks are starting to smell.
Why I'd rather pass gas,
Or scratch my fat ass,
Or get blistered on old muscatel.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

I hit lots of people for snoring;
I pissed on two girlfriends for whoring;
My dishonored bride
I slapped out of pride,
But shoot writers of Lim's who're boring.
--- David Miller

With all the top poems I had
For her birthday, and none of them bad;
I had bound them in leather,
But she screamed and asked whether
I really had t'use skin from her dad!

The old girl, now resigned to St Peter
Awaited the day he would greet her.
As a patron of rhyme,
She thought it was time
And forsooth, what a thing could be sweeter?
--- Doug Harris P0503

But St Pete knew of her dodgy meter
And said entry required verse much neater.
So it came as a blow
That he sent her below,
To Old Nick with his horns and his heater!
--- Doug Harris P0503

You may laugh, but when I get a hunch
That someone is spouting a bunch
Of lame horseshit, I try
Educating the guy,
But that just gets my mouth a quick punch.
--- Scott Oliver

I thought, Scott, that you'd take your trunch-
Eon, to give old McGill quite a punch.
When it comes to the crunch,
For lunch, and for munch,
Of rhyming words, there's quite a bunch.
--- Tiddy Ogg

The question was open, 'tis true,
And my words not intended for you.
Your verse was quite fine,
But I'll leave you online,
In your poetic verses to stew.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Some opine, those who pen limericks,
With poets aren't worthy to mix.
They scoff, "The rhyme's rude,
And the rhythm's too crude."
Those up-their-own-ass little pricks.
--- Jarmo

For idle hands, the Devil finds work;
Beware then, you folks who just lurk.
For you, it's the pit,
If you've not the wit
To rhyme, then at least have a jerk.
--- Frank Fazed

Poetry is an art form sublime,
But limericks just waste space and time.
Full of sins and sex
And puns that vex;
Who cares if the dirty jokes rhyme?
--- Lynn Mostafa

What a fine lackadaisical bunch!
I see little, but I have a hunch
If some of you lurkers
Would stop being shirkers,
We'd again seen some limericks with punch!
--- John Miller

It's punch that you want? Let me try --
Do you want this punch low or high?
A right bloody nose
Or stockings and hose --
I only punch north of the thigh...
--- Marlene Lewis

For now, I just mainly peruse
'Twixt having a shag or a snooze.
But I must agree
That nothing I see
Is likely to drive me to booze.
--- SFA

A novel and new way to view
The history you choose to skew;
But that's not my beef --
The sin that is chief?
At lims, you just haven't a clue.
--- Anon

A new volume of verse Asimovian,
That's replete with a humor that's Jovian,
Represents stimulation,
That will prove the occasion,
For a laughing response quite Pavlovian.
--- Isaac Asimov

Condemning some verses as ribald,
A puritan, heaving a sigh, bawled:
"Who published this rot?"
But editors thought
The lines might be avidly eyeballed.
--- R J Winkler P8505

A most proper writer, Ms Kay,
Submitted a limerick one day,
But it was rejected
Because she objected
When editors changed "lie" to lay."
--- Evelyn Bogen P9805

There was a sweet lady with specs,
Who fought to find lines without sex.
She covered the table
With all she was able
To pinch without copyright cheques.
--- Linda Marsh Coll

There once was a man named Me,
Who shopped for limericks free.
Those verses perverse,
He discarded in verse,
"Oh Me, much to naughty to see!"
--- Jim