These are a few of my rhymes,
Just trying to stay out of crimes.
If you don't like it,
I don't give a shit.
It's either this or be doing some time.
--- Anon

I just thought I'd be nice and send
Spring greetings to Eric our friend.
In this best of times,
He keeps tending to rhymes,
Here's to his success without end.

(In appreciation of Toast Point contests)
--- Crispy

This stuff is a nightmare of crap.
I'm sorry I'd ever the hap
To work it and ferk it--
I wish I could shirk it,
But now I am caught in the trap.

(hap - fortune, luck)
--- G2303

It's grubby doings, pricks and cunts,
Fucking, sucking, dirty stunts,
Screwing, spewing,
Bad-rhyme hewing,
Bitter with smiles and tears at once.
--- G2304

I hope that these limericks did please you;
And some more, I trust, did just to tease you.
I hope you did laugh
At the odd funny gaff,
For they're written to relax and ease you.

(Bull Shit - they are mostly stolen not written - McW)
--- Myler Magrath

These verses about the pudenda
Have neither beginning nor end: a
Few more, I submit
Just to tickle your shit,
And fill out the list of Addenda.
--- G2463

Advice from limericist Greet;
Take care with your rhymes and the beat;
For mis-metered verses
Raise editors' curses,
And cause them to shun fumbling feet.
--- Armand Singer

"Well, I'm glad that it is all done,"
Said the Ed to particularly no one.
"Over sixty submissions
Over two editions,
Has quite nearly stopped being fun.
--- Andrew Purdam

The announcement went straight to my head;
"We will publish your limerick," it said.
I felt honored to get
In that great Pentatette --
Damned thing was in Penthouse instead!
--- John Miller

The Taurangan Limerick Collector
Sought them out like a gold prospector.
Clever and baudy,
Silly and naughty,
Till nabbed by the Postal Inspector.

(Taurangan - New Zealand disease)
--- Anon

My publisher said my anthology
Of limericks writ on biology,
Was tested by Pfizer
As new fertilizer;
When spread, it will help the ecology.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Collections of limericks the rage,
We find them strewn page after page;
Sheer numbers rate higher
Than quality, Sire:
It's piece-rate, not hourly wage.
--- Norm Storer

When laboring limericks languish,
An editor suffers a pang, wish-
ing verbal distortions
And metrical abortions
Would vanish, relieving his anguish.
--- R J Winkler P8505

Howard Gardner has shown us of late,
Our "intelligences" now total eight;
For summaries terse,
I searched limerick verse
Of unknown author and date.
--- Gil Kinnunen

Now hooked, I'll continue the quest
For limericks better or best;
From collections quite ample,
This is merely a sample,
But one that is passing the test.
--- Gil Kinnunen

Seems the touch comes back rather fast
And I'm simply having a blast.
I've sent quite a few
For you to review.
I hope that they won't be my last.
--- Anon

But if you should read what I've wrote,
And think that I'm simply a scrot,
I will have you know
I'll quietly go,
And savagely slit my own throat.
--- Anon

The newsletter fires up the muse
When reading how others enthuse.
I take paper to pen,
Or reverse now and then,
And share with your readers my views.
--- Fred Cohen P8309

The guest editor said, between curses,
"What a grungy collection of verses;
But now that it's done,
I guess it's been fun,
To glean from sow's ears, silken purses."
--- Ed Potts P8511

I'm proud to say that my new book,
Comprised of the limericks I took
From here's, made me rich;
I hope you won't bitch
And call me a "Damn redneck crook!"
--- Anon

In this book every line has been clean; (This is normally
Not a word that's profane or obscene, called 'The Big
Or spelled in four letters Lie' - McW)
That might pain our betters,
Or snafu -- if you know what we mean.

(snafu - situation normal all fucked up - World War II)
--- H I Brock

I wanted to print here a medley
Of limericks, so gross they were deadly.
But when the typesetter tried
To set them, he died.
(Not to mention my editor, Smedley)
--- David Gerrold a

The Canadian Limerick Book,
But before gentle reader, you look,
Be advised in advance
Of our lecherous stance
And the four-letter licence we took.
--- Oliver and MacMillan 1a

Davie's losing his site shouldn't shame us,
Since even a pure ignoramus
Can find what he wants,
By hunting the haunts
That Archie is making so famous.
--- Anon

The death of The Master's a drag.
But what about all of the swag?
I'd hate to see tossed
All his lims, and be lost.
So someone must carry the flag.
--- Hugh Clary

There once was a scholar named Tony
Of St. Andrews, in Scotland, a crony,
Who has recently passed,
Making skies overcast
And all of our faces turned stony.
--- Hugh Clary

Our life is a little bit poorer;
Now Tony's old soul is a soarer.
He gave lots of pleasure;
His archives a treasure.
I wish he could do an encorer.
--- Archie

The slate has now had a clean wipe
St Andrews have had a good gripe
We have lost the best
It sank in the west
With nary a trace and no hype.
--- Anon

Said the Limerick Newsletter Editor,
"Where's the joke? I confess I don't geditor,
Else it's not funny;
Line one mentions cunny --
But nowhere in here has he beditor!"
--- Robin K Willoughby P8505 a

Toast Point offers the poet
A place for his talent, to show it.
If he's not good they might
Say "That asshole can't write!
And now the whole damn world will know it!"
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Attempting to conjure up wit,
For limerick verses I sit,
And trawl through my thoughts
But alas, out of sorts,
All I feel is a need for a shit.
--- Peter Wilkins

I'm resolved to write a blue ditty
With words like ass, bosoms, and shitty.
But try as I may,
I've spent the whole day,
And nothing will come that is witty.
--- Mul

Relax, bud, and think Walter Mitty,
But throw in some pussy and titty,
'Cause here, what you think
Won't bring on a shrink,
Just girls who are willing and pretty.
--- John Miller

This is file jgm

To write this lim, a request,
Tiddy Ogg said it was for the best.
Otherwise I'd get flamed
Ridiculed and be shamed
So for now, I'll continue my quest.
--- Mul

Practice makes perfect, they say.
Keep trying and maybe some day
In a battlefield lull,
A lim writ by Mul
Will help keep the jitters away.
--- John Miller

Bollocks, I hear you all shout;
You cunt, you shit, you lout!
Go back to your sewer,
With your wife the old hooer;
Come back when you have a foul mouth.
--- Mul

It's easy to have a foul mouth,
If you let all your musings go south.
Then listen again
To kids nine or ten,
From LA to Baghdad to Louth.
--- John Miller

Were this rhythm more etched in my brain,
You would not be obliged to complain,
But I must post this query,
In prose, oh so dreary;
My efforts at limericks were vain.
--- Sandy

Yes, I quiver, I shiver in fear
Of the erudite maven who're here.
Will you bloody my nose
If I post here in prose?
If you're nice, I will call you 'My dear."
--- Sandy

There was a young fellow called Noakes,
Who was famous for terrible jokes.
But when it was known
That the jokes weren't his own,
He was run out of town as a hoax.
--- Baxter Gill Blue Peter

Most limericks that I've begotten
Range from 'run-of-the-mill' to plain 'rotten,'
But there aren't any finer
Than my greatest five-liner,
Which I'd tell you, except I've forgotten.
--- Jerry Nordal P0509

There is an old limerick from Prague
About an overly amorous frog.
I've forgotten the rest;
My memory's not best
After drinking a gallon of grog.
--- Lynn Mostafa

I blame all this tripe on my work,
For it's really beginning to irk.
I must take a break
For my sanity's sake...
Oh too late; I'm already berserk.
--- Anon

This limerick is awful, I know;
I dashed it off just for the show,
In less than a minute,
With little thought in it,
And now I'm afraid, I must go.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

You'll note, when my verses get thin,
That I just put some more of them in.
When quality's lacking
I resort to packing,
So quantity covers my sin.
--- John Miller 0096b

Sorry, I'm grouchy tonight;
Can't seem to get anything right,
Which ends up resulting
In verses insulting,
'Stead of witty and airy and light.
--- John Miller 0142a

It seems you've got plenty to say
And smut shouldn't get in your way,
But like some old farts,
You've lost alt.arts?
I saw you there just yesterday!

A five-liner in language quite canny
May pose as a limerick Granny,
But unless its last line
Is a snapper divine,
It falls flat on its feeble fat fanny!
--- Martin B Smith P9911

Murphy's Limerick Law I define:
You've decided your limerick's divine...
Since it can't be improved,
To your web site it's moved,
Then you think of a much better line!
--- Peter Wilkins

There once was a fellow named Art,
Who said to the gang, "Do your part.
For the limericks to flow,
I will need all your dough,
That I'll take to the bank in a cart."
--- Bob Birch P0011

Limerick writing's a fatal attraction
That soon will drive me to distraction.
Every time I endeavor
To say something clever,
In five lines, I don't have the knacktion.
--- Gerry Busch

I hope you're not all in suspense,
Awaiting a punch line, no sense
Will be found in this drivel,
But try to be civil,
And try not to take much offence.
--- Anon

Jim Smith's an untalented twit,
Who can't Limerick, one little bit.
With his ass full of maggots,
He tickles the faggots,
But he cannot display any wit.
--- Ward Hardman

That was extremely redic
-ulous 'cause Lims are no easy trick.
These few lines (just a token)
And my small brain is smokin';
All this thinkin' might just make me sick!
--- Anon

I thought I'd give this a shot,
To give it all that I've got,
But my limerick sucks.
It ain't worth two bucks.
Might as well go and smoke up some pot.
--- Shockpoet

Perhaps you'd give me a second chance
To make my limerick words dance.
The pot was not found
As I looked all around,
Only to find my wife's glaring glance.
--- Shockpoet

There once was a fellow from Needham,
Who knew limericks when he see'd them.
If the point of the joke,
Was to leave the verse broke,
Then Chuck wasn't able to read them.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

There is a young fellow called Art,
Who likes limericks straight from the heart.
He plans his days times
To suit his days' rhymes;
I don't think he is terribly smart.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

As if all you folks didn't know it,
I'm a physicist, not a poet.
I work in space-time,
Not with rhythm and rhyme,
And these verses should certainly show it.
--- Kay R Devicci

Well, if it was mine, please don't edit,
And do, if you please, give me credit.
But if it were some
Third rate limerick bum,
Then plagarise, but don't say I said it.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Should you be referring to me,
I know that I'm guilty as the
Third rate limerick bum.
But then I have come
With Bessy and mice and a flea!
--- Archie

I guess there is something that's worse
Than having our readers disburse
A poem not theirs,
But I have to ask where's
The referenced limerick verse!?
--- Hugh Clary

Any lim that's worth a laurel wreath,
To you, my friend Jim, I bequeath;
So time do not waste;
Like me, cut and paste.
And put your own name underneath.
--- David Miller

It'll bring you more than disgrace;
A mud pie shoved right in your face.
A word out of time;
No meter or rhyme;
No room for it in this place.
--- Anon

Teacher, I'll be perfectly frank;
Got writer's block; my mind's a blank.
I'm hardly a poet;
And we both know it;
I did write this poem but it stank.
--- Lynn Mostafa

I've just had a word with the nurse
Who told me in syllables terse,
"I think, on reflection,
A bigger injection
Might cure you of limerick verse."
--- Anon