I don't want to seem cruel or unkind,
But few Limericks here can I find.
I know you're quick thinkers,
But fucking slow drinkers,
And by now almost three drinks behind.
--- David Miller

A contest for limericks -- how jolly!
Good rhyming is more than mere folly.
The lines have to scan.
It ain't easy, man,
It's too hard for this bard, by golly!
--- Marc Davis

A dyslexic limricist named Perce
Knew his rhyming was getting much worse.
He found that a mirror
Made everthing clearer;
All his words had been written inverse.
--- Tom Patton

I've lurked here a week, maybe two,
And you certainly have quite a crew,
Who can turn a limerick,
Either raunchy or sick;
Is there room here for somebody new?
--- Tom Allen

If your heart is by limericks diverted,
Then be now, to this fine group, alerted;
If your morals are suspect
You're welcome here. Expect
Much more if completely perverted.
--- Ward Hardman

I'm a perve and I flick a mean whip,
As I chortle in glee and unzip.
Give a pump and a sigh
Before I say goodbye,
As I shake the last drop from the tip.
--- Tom Bishop

Some women describe me as Flash,
'Cause when I withdraw from their gash,
One tug on my gents
Will have its contents
Despatched to the sound of whiplash.
--- SFA

Old ladies write limericks too,
Not just teenage boys going through
Raging hormones,
And car telephones,
So here is the best I can do.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

I'm new to this limerick game.
It really does seem a shame
To never have seen
Such a wonderful scene;
I've only myself to blame.
--- Wil Samson120

I welcome you, Will. Have your say
About anything in your day.
This limerick scene
Just must be kept clean
And where there's a Will, there's a way.
--- Contused

Considering our life's wefts and warps,
The old undertaker, Bill Thorpe's
Most likely to say,
On one's very last day,
That where there's a will, there's a corpse.
--- Tiddy Ogg

A corpse and some relatives who
Are eager for one quid or two,
To place in their wallet
In no time at all, it
Is they who are leaving it, too.

In one of our secretive polls,
We cited as one of our goals,
The need for new blood,
But spare us the flood
Of talentless dickheads and trolls.
--- SFA

I welcome you, Don, to this game,
But that seems familiar, that name.
One Donald McGill
Gave punsters a thrill,
With joke postcards, but you're not the same?
--- Tiddy Ogg

This peculiar bent of your mind
To cast everything needful in rhyme,
With meter constrained,
It twists at my brain,
So now I've joined in my first time.
--- Anon

Your limericks, Dear Sir, may be fine
With many a witty last line,
And read them I will
But will not until
You promise me first you'll read mine.
--- Irving Superior P8308

When lims I first started to write,
My postings created a blight.
When I got the Primer,
It gave me a glimmer
Of how to do this lim thing right.
--- Marlene Lewis

If you think that you need to know
The way to write limericks that show
Just how good you be,
Don't imitate me.
Read the limerick primer, below:
--- Marlene Lewis

But alas, to this I am new,
And haven't yet met all of the crew.
But by this time next year,
Having beaten my fear,
I hope to impress quite a few.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Like a barnstormer bigmick flew in.
If he stays for the group, a big win!
Mick takes care of the flames,
And I'll do the dames.
I can picure now Malo's big grin.

All your limericks are a delight;
Been perusin' 'em daytime and night.
A brash newbie am I,
But a verse I shall try
And hope you don't all faint from fright.
--- Anon

The sexes have changed, that's for sure.
What once was a him, now's a her.
The Men and the Women
Whose sex isn't given.
We're still not sure who they were!
--- Beckie

First timers, welcome to the fray.
I think your initial word play
Is a promising start.
You'll master the art
(That is if we don't scare you away).
--- SFA

Oh Beckie, don't worry, my dear.
'Bout the denizens that you will find here.
Just make your lims sexual
And a touch intellectual;
You'll be right at home, never fear.
--- Tom Allen

Thanks for the nice welcome for sure;
For my rhyming I have found a cure.
So my lims should be sexual
And so intellectual.
Thank God I'm not one who is pure.
--- Beckie

New Beckie's a small-titted lass?
I've longed for this to come to pass!
They're the kind I like best,
Carried high on the chest.
So, by the way, how is your ass?
--- Cyber Wizard

An amateur effort indeed,
Polish is a definite need.
But the only known cure,
That is efficacious for sure,
Is to practice and practice this deed.
--- Q

Perfection will come to the few;
It hasn't to me...nor to you.
But have ye no fear,
Ingredients are here
For making good limerick stew.
--- Q

And I really continue to be
Surprised as all-get-out to see,
That even in jest
And along with the best,
A limericist I seem to be!
--- Anon

Greetings again to dear Marty,
And welcome once more to our party.
You're clever and sweet;
No doubt good to eat,
And a limerickin', two-fisted smarty!
--- Anon

From Down Under, Hello Adam Kreek,
Congrats on your limerick technique;
As this is December,
And you're a new member,
Please send me ten bucks every week.
--- David Miller

I used to remain quite aloof
From computing, till given the proof
That I'd best take a byte,
Learn PC (is that right?).
Tell me, what is a spamphishing spoof?
--- Doug Harris P0510Q

To discuss this, I'd like, and I would,
Make it rhyme and scan if I could,
But I'm not good enow,
I'm still learning how,
To make my thoughts fit like they should.
--- Q

This is file jfm

I'll try a reply, this is it.
Just what is this "takeover" shit?
I leave for a year,
And now some young queer
Has offered to blow on my bit?
--- Anon

I've taken your comments on board
And observed the rules I ignored.
As sure as I'm Pete,
I'll master this feat
And someday I'll become adored.
--- Beowulf

The coordinator of the P,
Doctors Limericks also, I see.
Is he then for a laugh
The entire office staff
And, in truth, The Wholly Trinity?
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0201

For twenty straight years he has lead it;
I proclaim he deserves a huge credit
For spotting his light
On the things that we write,
(And the curse words he won't even edit!)
--- Cap'n Bean P0112

There's a limerick seeker named Deex,
And the stuff that he seeks often reeks;
For morality's lax
In a verse re the cracks
Of some quiff-baring Classical Greeks.
--- Jim O'Conner P8312

There's nobody sharper than Deex
When it comes to poetic antiques;
He's been into this fad
Since Lear was a lad --
And he knows all the special techniques.
--- Norm Storer

A limerick writer named Deex
Worked on one for over nine weeks.
The ultimate rhyme
Takes oodles of time,
Which is what this Deex always seeks.
--- Harry Rubin P9108

There once was a Mensan named Deex,
Whose identity surfaced, through leaks.
His cover was blown,
Far and wide he is known
As the chief of the limerick freaks.
--- Don Boen P8111

The man with the bright rosey cheeks
Must surely be dear Arthur Deex.
His rhymes may be truly
Completely unruly,
But everything stops when he speaks.
--- Billy

We can gladly to this say Amen!
Twenty years to words of tongue and pen.
He's dealt with scan and rhyme;
He's served his entire time.
Had he killed he'd have done a mere ten.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0201

Don't worry and please do not fret,
When you read in this month's Pentatette
That Deex did inhale,
As he opened the mail.
(He was seen with a roach cigarette.)
--- Al Willis

Through the years, as my rhyme skills I'd hone,
Arthur sometimes cut me to the bone.
But if it gets too rough
When Doc Lim loses stuff,
We can print Pentatettes of our own.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0001

He's a Limerick master for sure.
How else could he ever endure.
He suffers our worst
Renditions of verse
Yet WE expect HIS to be pure.
--- Billy

He allows us to freely compose;
He's shared with us much that he knows;
The newsletter's fun
And is second to none;
It's a calling I'm grateful he chose!
--- Cap'n Bean P0112

I submit he is no martinet,
He, who edits our The Pentatette.
I imagine Doc's said
With a shake of his head,
"Just how awkward can some of these get?"
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9201

On Pentatette publishers, Moffett,
On money that's being made off it.
The verses you send
That I can't amend,
I bale, and then sell at a profit.
--- Irving Superior

What made you, my good Dr. Deex,
Choose a subject of which no-one speaks?
I think it's SO funny
To live without money --
I haven't laughed louder in weeks!
--- John E Maywood

Who'd remember that man from Nantucket,
If you wrote of his shovel and bucket.
Though your limerick might rhyme,
Art would read it one time,
Then like mine, he'd take yours and he'd chuck it.
--- Bob Birch

The Pentatette you are now reading,
In literature, is exceeding
The bounds of poor taste,
For the authors are traced
To a line of degenerate breeding.
--- Cap'n Bean P9809

Our limerick guru is Deex,
The best one could find if one seeks.
His excellent piece
On Sue Antony's niece,
Is a real tour de force, say us freaks!
--- jem P0504

So my check is both dated and signed,
And the cost, well I really don't mind.
I can still save some money,
And go somewhere sunny...
I'll just leave my "old lady" behind!
--- Bob Birch P0209

If I skip on my payment, I lose,
So I pass you my Pentatette dues;
Yes, I'm payin' my debt
'Cause I don't wanna get
The Missing those Limericks blues.
--- Cap'n Bean P0410

The Pentatette might see expansion,
Were it not for what makes a good fan shun
Those limericks whose
Writers often abuse,
For few seem to understand scansion!
--- Norm Storer P0207

Here's news that I think really sucks:
The Pentatette's now 30 bucks;
And sometimes' methinks,
Arthur Deex really stinks,
Though sometime he's good for some yucks!
--- Mark Levy P0410

Our coordinator's caused a great flap.
Has he had a terrible mishap?
Poor Arthur can't recall
Nary one thing at all;
What a shame! Deex is on his last lap.
--- Tom Patton P0307

Oh Arthur, Oh Arthur, by golly!
Last months issue commits such a folly.
It is such a damn shame
You cannot spell my name;
I guess you're transfixed by dear Dolly.

(criticism of Arthur Deex, publisher of Pentatette)
--- Tom Patton P0303

I had planned on a round-the-world cruise,
To deal with my wintertime blues.
But my dear wife said, "No,
You really can't go,
'Til you've paid up your PENTATETTE dues."
--- Bob Birch P0209

The Pentatette approaches perfection,
Yet might use a more frequent selection
Of five liners by Deex --
And it's been a few weeks
Since we've heard from the Vassar collection
--- Jim Weaver Collection

If you find that your verse is all wet,
And you can't find a publisher yet,
For the ametric poet
Who doesn't quite know it,
There's always the old Pentatette.
--- Arthur Deex

A message to Pentatette authors.
Though most of us think we are "awe-thors,"
(The "awe" as in awesome),
Too often we flaw some.
Then ("aw" as in awful) we're "aw!-thors.
--- Irving Superior P9011

Both Esther and Bean I must taunt,
As each writes in his own special font.
Be it fancy or plain
I don't mean to cause pain,
For they're good...and that's all that I want.
--- Bob

I've heard limericks are written by fools
With IQ's insulting to mules.
Having seen laughs aplenty,
I'm sending my twenty,
'Cause I think that Pentatette rules!
--- Elliot Schilling P0205

Since I liked your cyber description,
Here's a check for a one year subscription.
It seems that my fun
Has not yet begun;
If you disappoint, expect a conniption.
--- Jerry Davidoff P0112

The locker room chat made the swimmer sick,
So he spoke to his shorter and slimmer dick:
He said to it, "Whew!
There's just one place for you
And that's in a Dr Deex limerick."
--- Jemstone P0407