I came with the same expectation,
But the bards, they are all on vacation,
Hung over from booze
Or taking a snooze,
Or indulging in wild masturbation.
--- CM

There certainly has been a dearth
Of rib-splitting limerick mirth.
I surmise the fault lies
With the size of the guys;
Now there's bigger things rocking the earth.
--- John Miller

As to species that live in the wild,
There are thousands we haven't defiled.
But we keep on trying;
There's three of us vying
As first with an elephant child.
--- John Miller

Well, men are more likely to fuck
A sheep or a goose or a duck.
But ladies beware,
And check over there.
Some seem to be just out of luck.
--- Rich Grise

I can't believe this is so lame;
I'm trying to play in the game.
Whatever I try,
It seems bye and bye,
Is simply just more of the same.
--- Rich Grise

It's not that hard to write a rhyme;
It might take a bit of your time
To find words that match.
But there is a catch!
Writing stupid crap should be a crime.
--- Rich Grise

But anyway, I shall persist,
In dreaming of girls that I've missed.
I see them go by
And while wondering why,
I service myself with my fist.
--- Rich Grise

How lucky you are that you're looped!
Male limerickers, when they are grouped,
Start struttin' and crowin'
(Thank gods they ain't showin')
And brag how their gizmos ain't drooped.
--- Anon

Oh Marty, because of that mention,
My Gizmo now stands to attention.
I'll not masturbate,
Instead I will wait
And pray for your prompt intervention.
--- Anon

You think that I should intervene
Between you and your love machine?
I'd be ground to pulp
Before I could gulp --
Or do anything else obscene.
--- Anon

The limerick's a short form of verse
Whose addiction some folks think is a curse.
Somewhere it is written
That when you are smitten,
There's nothing on earth can be worse.
--- Don Tidwell

They run through your head night and day,
Dictating at will what you say.
You write them all down,
And then say with a frown,
Why the hell am I acting this way.
--- Don tidwell

The boys and girls of AJL
Know what to do, and we're swell;
Expert and all
With cock and balls,
Titties and quims on the shell.
--- Anon

Here we have been known to peep
At bovines and even some sheep,
And "Lord luv a duck",
With a little luck
We'll cut off your cock when you sleep...
--- Anon

And shove it in far up your ass;
For good measure, pack it with glass.
Then plug your bung-hole
With a big pole;
So sorry, am I being crass?
--- Anon

Two women who live in the West
Found nary a verse that expressed
The West as they knew it --
With grit to get through it --
And decided to rise to the test.
--- Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes

Now limericks must stick to the rules
And not merely wander like mules,
So here Jeane and Gwen
Both wielded a pen,
And lassoed these wild Western jewels.
--- Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes

So quick was the verse-writer Tuplett,
That his limerick turned out a couplet.

--- Anon

A three-lines-poet was Purcett,
When he penned a limerick (curse it!)
The blessed thing came out a tercet!

--- Anon

There was a young lady...Tut tut!
So you think you're in for some smut?
Some five line crescendo
Of lewd innuendo?
Well you're wrong. This is anything but!
--- Stanley J Sharpless

I'd like to write poems for big money;
Verse that is clever and funny.
But alas and alack,
I'm just a poor hack,
And I can't even make this last line rhyme.
--- Marc Davis

When writing I try to do well;
Attending to metre is swell.
And my rhyming is fine;
I structure each line;
But oh, how I wish I could spel!
--- Bob Birch P0204

The limerick scribe OFTENTIMES
Is stuck for a good word that rhymes.
Unable to find
A match in the mind,
Then subtly switches to blank verse.
--- Chris Papa

Ted, a poet in Washington D.
C., complained, "My lies always run be-
yond the proper perspec-
Tive. This simple prereq-
Uisite has me completely defea-
--- Chris Kocsis P9002

A most inept poet of Wendham
Wrote limericks (none would defend 'em).
"I get going," he said,
"Have ideas in my head.
Then find I just simply can't." (end 'em)
--- J A Lindon P9505

Found it rather a job to impart 'em.
When asked at the time,
Why is this? Don't they rhyme?
Said the poet of Chartam, can't start 'em.
--- A Lindon P9505

There was a cute girl from Dubai
Who was naughty, though really quite shy.
Not a man the tease met
Saw her ****. Don't be upset,
But they've censored this. Don't ask me why.
--- David A Brooks Q

A limerick is best when it's lewd,
Gross, titillating, and crude.
But this one is clean,
Unless you are seen
Reading it aloud in the nude.
--- Anon

The Gods in the sky are unkind.
Not only have made Milton blind
And Beethoven deaf,
Now worst of all left
Me minus a clever last line.
--- Irving Superior P8505

If this humble ditty gets posted,
On the Web where such babble gets hosted,
Cyber procrastination,
Credit gleans as creation,
"Here's to digital word games", we toasted.

(toast point is a web page for limericks middle-late 90's)
--- Julupa

Our lesson tonight
Considers the plight
Of the dyslexic poet named Chad
Who writes limericks abysmally bad.
He can't get it right.
--- Cyber Geezer

Two Aggies were digging a ditch,
When one called the other a snitch,
And they started to fuss,
But were too dumb to cuss,
So this limerick's encountered a hitch.
--- Cyber Geezer

There once was a girl from Madrid.
Oh! The terrible things that she did!
Her actions so bad,
Each envious lad
Wrote limericks on her ending in mid...
--- Jim Weaver Collection

This is file jcm

Cryptographers said, "We're in luck;
On transcripts we're no longer stuck.
The solution is here.
It is perfectly clear,
That the expletive missing is [expletive deleted].
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2677

A limerick without any punch
Will surely displease us a bunch.
It may be just fine
But without a punch-line,
The whole thing just falls apart.
--- Neal Wilgus P8505

I started out writing one line.
The second one came out just fine.
The third was a chore.
Barely made it through four.
But the fifth, I can't get to work.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

I'm always running out of time!
It takes too long to make a rhyme.
So, if it' s OK by you,
Here's what I think I ought to do:
Finish this limerick right now.
--- Lynn Mostafa

These limericks are just not too smart;
They fail a punchline to impart.
I give this advice;
I won't say it twice:
Just finish whatever you ...
--- Michelle

There was a young man from Milan
Whose limericks just didn't scan.
The endings were wrong;
They were often too long;
Or finished abruptly.
--- Richard Long

There was a young fellow of Trinity
Who, although he could trill like a linnet, he
Could never complete
Any poem with feet,
Saying: "Idiots! Can't you see what I'm writing

Happens to be free verse.
--- Anon

So far this limerick's "squeaky";
No words foul or offensive did speak he.
Only words fit and fine
Until the last line.
And the mood I'll say seemed...fucking freaky!
--- Writerman

A programming genius named Smiler
Thought he'd made up a simple compiler.
But through trouble with loops
Was constrained to cry "Whoops,
This get viler, gets viler, get viler..."
--- J A Cade

There was a young woman from Hopewell
Who handled her liquor and dope well.
(The rest of this verse
Got progressively worse,
And someone has washed it with soap well.)
--- Lims Unlimited

So I hired this sweet chick named Ms. Zelling,
But she causes me genital swelling.
Now my wife would have fired her,
But the reason I hired her,
Was to help with my gramer and speling!
--- Bob Birch P0204

A Limerick should scan and should rhyme
Though some I have seen in my time
Do neither one well,
And as you can tell,
This one will have one hell of a last line.
--- Fred Cohen P8311

With down-sizing everywhere,
We limerickers should be aware
That we must strive
To keep line five.

--- Irving Superior P9606

In China the limerick is wrong --
A sort of upside-down song.
But this is the worst,
The last line comes first,
There was a young man of Hong Kong.
--- Anon

There once was a poet named Syme,
Who avoided the obvious rhyme.
He'd put 'this' after 'that',
And 'dog' after 'cat',
And he hated this sort of last line.
--- Michael Palin

A programming genius named Sewter
Built a limerick-writing computer.
The meter was fine
And the rhymes quite divine,
But for some reason the damn thing always

Got the last line wrong.
--- D Gutteridge

An East German fellow named Fritz
Drove people out of their wits.
"I leave things undone,"
He said, "Just for fun
And I think I know why. It's..."
--- Jan Sand

A limerick author's suppos'
To write a verse tight, not verbose;
Keep syllable counts
To metered amounts.
At least one should, if at all possible, be somewhat close.
--- Gary Hallock

In trying to compose a short verse,
My poetical effort grew worse,
So I tried to seduce
The limerick's Muse,
But found she was off on vacation.
--- Norm Storer

There once was a man (you might know him)
Who worked all his life on a poem!
Though he tried and he tried
Till the day that he died,
He never could thing of a good ending for 'em.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

The punchline makes limericks thrive --
You'd best leave the joke till line 5!
You soon learn the score:
Leave them wanting some more .

--- Doug Harris P0604

There was a young man of Japan,
Whose limericks never would scan.
When someone asked why,
He would slowly reply,
"Perhaps it is because I always try to get as many dirty

words in the last line as I possibly can.
--- Anon

A decrepit old gas man named Peter,
While hunting around for the meter,
Touched a leak with his light.
He arose out of sight,
And, as anyone can see by reading this,

He also destroyed the meter.
--- Anon

There was a young fellow from China,
Whose sense of verse was much finer.
He thought it divine,
To end the last line,
Quite suddenly.
--- Anon

The limerick, peculiar to English,
Is a verse-form that's hard to extinguish.
Once Congress in session
Decreed its suppression,
But people got around it by writing the last

line without any rhyme or meter.
--- Anon

A limerick writer named Liddle,
Confronted a difficult riddle:
Da dum de de dum,
Da dum de de dum,
He could end and begin, but not middle!
--- Charles Barsotti

A king who never could rhyme,
Declared limerick writing a crime.
But late in the night,
All the scribes would write
Poems without rhyme or meter.
--- Anon

A limerick is easy to make,
If you're careful with words that you take.
If you start with Nantucket,
You'll have to use bucket,
And there's no telling where you will end.
--- Leon Blum

A scatter-brained poet named Hoffman
Was writing non-sequiturs often.
He'd be doing just fine
But then blow the punch line
When the tuna fish covered the coffin.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

A limerick is meant to rhyme,
Generally all of the time.
But don't be a fool,
There's no hard and fast rule;
Not all of them must!
--- Jim Weaver Collection

You know that I really can't rhyme,
Although I do try all the while.
I do have some luck
With a quicky screw,
But jerking I think is illegal.
--- Frank Fazed

Now Frank, with that jerking in mind,
I know, if you look back, you'll find
That you, too, were guilty
Of tilting the quilty.
You're lucky you didn't go blind.
--- Sister Christina

It's good, Frank, to see you return;
We've newbies who have much to be taught. (learn)
Some come in and revel,
And bugger Satan, (the Devil,)
I really don't think that we'll ignite. (burn)
--- Tiddy Ogg