This newsgroup has seen quite a dearth
Of limericks with any worth.
Some writers, quite crass,
Use tits, twat, and ass,
And pass the result off as mirth.
--- Sue Mitchell

That things were not worse was a mercy!
You read bottom line first
Since he wrote all reversed.
He did the job arsy-versy.
A very odd poet was Percy.
--- A Lindon P9505

There once was a poet named Annie,
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Her technique was sound,
But often she found,
That when she wrote any,

She always wrote one line too many.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

There was an old man in the moon,
Whose limericks were finished too soon.

--- Richard Long

'Bout time I wrote novels, I think,
'Stead of lims from the gutter and sink;
But I'll start with this line:
'Twas a quarter past nine,
When the...(Dammit, I've run out of
--- Peter Wilkins

'Bout time I wrote novels, I think,
'Stead of lims from the gutter and sink;
So I'll start with this line ...
"'Twas a quarter past nine
When the ..." (Dammit, I've run out of
--- Anon

Oh my, he has run out of drink!
I'll bring him back something that's pink,
Containing a cherry
And sure to be very
Refreshing when slurped at the sink.
--- Anon

Though the first line may seem apathetic,
The second line waxes poetic.
The fourth and the third
Are somewhat absurd.
But the fifth line is parthegenetic.

(parthegenetic - born of unmarried woman, a real bastard)
--- Arthur Deex P9106

Said the teacher to young Master Bacon,
"Your grammar's so bad, I am shaken."
Said young Bacon, "What gall!
It is not bad at all --
I don't thing that your point is well took.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2430

In skool exams I'm excelling
So I rote my mother foretelling
All the results mite
Be kwite all rite,
Well, except perhaps for my speling.
--- Anon

My hopeless attempt at a limerick
Will certainly make you all sick.
The meter's contrived;
I forced all the rhymes.
Alack! For an end to this lick.
--- Anon

A poet who belonged in a cage,
Thought limericks to be all the rage.
But part of his charm
Was to forget about form,
And run around the edge of the page.

(printed around the page edges)
--- Charles Barsotti

I don't understand punctuation;
It fills me with great perturbation.
The solution, I've found
Is to scatter around.
Dots and commas with "much aberration.
--- Tiddy Ogg

In composing a limerick to portray
The problems presented by 2K,
While searching for a rhyme,
I ran out of time....

--- J M Turley

There once was a fellow from Xiangling,
Whose greatest delight was in mangling
Poems. He would drop
Words between lines and lop
Their ends off and leave readers dang
--- Elliot Moreton

My eyesight is randomly cursed
With a left-to-right image. The worst
Of it all? I don't know;
wohs lliw melborp eht nehW
Or which line will be seen as reversed.
--- Peter Wilkins

To those who are anxious to view
LIM's shortest fifth line -- lucky you!
Your P. C. apply
And mouse it to my
--- Irving Superior

There once was a boy from the sticks
Whose Limericks stopped at line six.
They started OK
But then went astray
When he found himself in a fix

Towards the end.
--- Rob Saunders P0309

There was a young poet named Symes,
Who never completed his rhymes;
He made things confusing,
By ---- --- - ---------,
Or skipping the third or fourth lines.
--- Nick D Kim

There was a young woman of yore
Who sentence construction was poor.
She said, "It's a curse!
I speak in reverse!
Finish I start I before!"
--- Richard Long

Said an expert in shorthand, "I say,
We waste all our breath every day,
So let us taboo
A, E, I, O, U --
W cld ll spk mch fstr tht wy.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

If I could travel through time
And write limericks that rhyme,
Or, for that matter, scan,
I would travel back and
Start this one again.
--- John Fotheringham

There once was a man from the Styx,
Who did love to write limericks.
But he failed at the sport,
For he wrote them too short.

--- E F S

Of Limericks, I've written a few
And now, as I'm well overdue...
I started to type
But found it was tripe;
So really there ain't nothing new.
--- SFA

There was a young lady from Drew,
Who ended her verse at line two.

--- Anon

From hither and yonder, a quest
To see who's the Limericking best.
If you're a competer
With rhyming and meter,
Prepare for the ultimate test.
--- Anon

A songbook editor named Ellis J.
Couldn't write, but used songs anyway.
He'd stretch syllables till they worked,
And all his nearly-rhymes hurt,
And unnatural his lyrics were to say.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

The five line limerick. Let's omit
Lines three and four -- these two obit.
They mostly are pap.
They just fill the gap,
And stall line five's incisive wit.
--- Irving Superior P9102

Though Purists may my concept twit,
I'll stake my repute upon it.
I'll three/four rhyme
One final time,
Though Edward Lear my throat may slit.
--- Irving Superior P9102

Without three/four, it will permit
Us all to rest our brains a bit.

For this alone, cold turkey quit.
--- Irving Superior P9102

On second thought, with sex our game--
With smutty verse our claim to fame--
Why not before
Lines three and four
Add one line more

And change to SEXATETTE our name?
--- Irving Superior P9102

A Buddhist and student of Freud,
With line four I struggled and toyed.
But now there's no trace --

I may have just entered the Void.

(Not even a space)
--- H Welchel

As I now approach my Nirvana
I'm eating up lines like piranha.

See? Two more just bid me manana.
--- H Welchel

This is file jbm

The Japanese are very polite,
And are said to be erudite.
But we can't understand
Why, in that land,
Thgir eht morf tfel eht ot etirw yeht.
--- Ed Wolfert P8208

A newspaper poet from Hearst
Deprived of his reason
By uncontolled sneezin',
Was by phantasmal demons coerced
To write all his limericks reversed.
--- Elliot Moreton

When younger, but Lord! We had fun!
Was it wars or just whores to be won?
But as for these verses,
'Twixt bedpans and nurses,
I can't come up with a one!
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Well, maybe and just for a start
I'll avoid any reference to "fart";
Just write something silly
While I munch on this chili...
(Damn stuff blows my asshole apart)
--- John Miller

The problems of great complication
Administer digitization.
The increased luminosity
Will reduce the verbosity
And result in eschewed obfuscation.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2512

Constructed using rhyme and meter,
The prose will likely be sweeter,
Save when the man-jack
Is a simpleton hack,
Who's humor must mention a peter.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

There was a young poet said: "Fine,
I shall now write a post-modern rhyme,
But deconstructing the medium
Is just so much tedium,
I don't think I'll write the last line.
--- Richard Long

'98 and I firmly resolve
To write limericks that do not involve
Any words that allude
To things vulgar and crude...
(Ah, shit, that's a rhyme I can't solve)
--- John Miller

There was an old man from Hong Kong,
Whose limericks always went wrong.
The stopped at line three.
('Tis a pity," said he,
"But at least they don't go on too long.")
--- Richard Long

If poets don't give enough thought,
Then limericks can finish too short.
It is such a bore
When they stop at line four.
(Or that's what I've always been taught.)
--- Richard Long

'98 and I swear I will pass
Any writing that's lowly and crass.
I'll take every pain
To attain a high plane...
(Well, stick that idea up your ass!)
--- John Miller

I though it would be quite a thrill
Writing limericks with lines that are nil.
But it isn't working;
My madness was lurking.
At Bedlam, they'll give me a pill!
--- CM

To write limericks with lines that are none,
Wouldn't that just be oodles of fun?
With no rhyme and no meter,
It couldn't be neater.
I'm afraid that it couldn't be done!
--- CM

To write limericks with lines zero
Was the dream of the Emperor Nero.
He fiddled around;
Rome burned to the ground;
And nobody thought him a hero.
--- CM

A young would-be poet named Pip,
Tried to write rhymes with lines zip.
All that great pain
Caused his mental strain
On reality, loosening his grip!
--- CM

The Limerick lacks the precision
To evaluate all sound and vision;
Yellow bricks in a pile,
Or a sonata for file,
Require an aesthetic decision.
--- E O Parrot

If my limericks you, too, don't like,
I would suggest that you take a hike!
The kill file is there
For all you who care,
My anapest ravings to spike.
--- Alexander Baron

Fuck Shit! Now the limerick's an ART?!
Such dignity make my ass smart.
I'd rather have lepers
And dead whores and peppers
Inflaming the place whence I fart.
--- H Welchel

These poetry lines are quite terse.
They start really bad and get worse.
Perhaps I am licked
If these lines contradict.
Does it mean that these lines are averse?
--- Kirk Miller

When I rise in the morning I curse;
I'm bewildered by matters perverse.
Then the first thing I do,
Write a limerick or two,
So from bed I will go right to verse.
--- Albin Chaplin P0212

O limerick, O poesy sublime,
Endowed with most elegant rhyme;
Cerebral or naughty,
Ascetic or bawdy,
Arousing both ends at one time.
--- Mark Levy P9606

While reading the board, He said "Fuck!
One last chance for a rhyme that don't suck!
Remember the meter,
Don't play with your peter,
And hope that the zipper's not stuck!"
--- Anon

If you value your sanity, friend,
Heed this warning and run like the wind.
The poetic elite
Cannot stifle the beat --
Once the doggerel barks, he's unpenned.
--- Mary Sullivan

In reference to not doing laundry,
I'll admit you've got me in a quandary.
I read 'em real good,
And I know that I should
Have found a nice double entendre.
--- Anon

There was a young fellow from limerick
Whose nature was frightfully choleric.
When he flew off the handle
It cause no great scandal.
They said "Sure he's always eccenterick."
--- England's Humor Sig P9012

The limerick has a nice shape:
It's a form over which you can drape
Either wisdom or wit,
Whether fit or unfit,
And gird it with tinsel or crepe.
--- Lims Unlimited

A limerick shapes to the eye
Like a small very squat butterfly,
With its wings opened wide,
Lots of nectar inside,
And a terrible urge to fly high.
--- David McCord

Masculine rhymes of the heart
Play a verse role quite apart...
They stride 'cross the page,
Their battlefield stage,
Strutting their proud martial art.
--- Tutta Gioia

Lines with soft feminine endings,
Perfect for gentle befriendings;
In sweet whispers end,
Caresses portend,
And perfect for broken-heart mendings.
--- Tutta Gioia

There once was a man from Paris,
Who only could count up to three.
When he wrote a verse,
'Twas invariably terse;
He's got good vocabulary.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

I sleep in a cold dirty alley;
I eat in a homeless men's galley.
But here between walls,
Each eve as night falls,
I can dream of how green was my valley.
--- Donna Lee Dom

I happen to know an old bitch,
Who's an eager collector of kitsch.
Even worse, she is trite
And believes she can write:
What comes out, could be called Limeritsch!
--- Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P0011

Moonlight reflects on the snow;
Thousands of diamonds that glow,
As we strolled along
Together like a song,
That has not reached its crescendo.
--- Azul

Your lips are so warm on mine,
As we embrace from time to time.
In the distance we see
Our cottage by the tree,
That awaits with a bottle of wine.
--- Azul