I suppose that the old ancient Jews
Had no other way to spread the news.
The Pharisees told 'em
"We've no cable modem,
And collect calls we simply refuse."
--- Tom Allen

The bidding was fierce and obscene;
Some Limericks were caught in between
Two bidders dead set,
This mint first to get:
The Swann song was $417.

(Norman Douglas' book sold for this in 1991
--- Cliff Scheiner P9203

In Limerick, the name of one town,
The lads at the pub would sit down
To sing of young lasses,
With rotund little asses,
Each adding his own clever round.
--- Bob Birch

An insane old king made, for a time
The writing of limericks, a crime.
But all through the night,
Dissidents would write
Verse with excellent meter and rhyme.
--- Anon

Here is Edward Lear and some friends,
With verse with nonsensical ends;
Here's no atom of meaning
That's really worth gleaning,
But our laughter makes final amends.
--- E O Parrot

Her Eyes and Glow-worme lend thee,
The Shooting Starres attend thee;
The elves also,
Whose little eyes glow,
Like the sparke of fire befriend thee...
--- Ben Johnson P0506

I would certainly not be adverse,
And would gladly risk the Mummy's curse,
If I could but unearth
A scroll from Egypt's turf,
Of some hieroglyphs in five line verse.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0103

Immortalia's clearly obsessive
With sexual urges transgressive,
And a content that caters
To lecherous satyrs:
A content that's very impressive.
--- Hugh Clary

A thought to my mind did arrive;
'Tis worth keeping our memories alive!
And so I must ask,
Is it someone's task
To keep all these lims in archive?
--- C Anton

This here is my very last Ditty;
It isn't especially witty.
I hope you enjoyed
This means I've employed
To excel, just like old Walter Mitty.

(the last 365th limerick in John Miller's series)
--- John Miller 0365

If you work you way into the past
And browse through the limerick's cast,
You'll see that old Lear
Wasn't first born in here,
Though he was the first one to last.
--- Niels Knoop

I went to my local bookstore
And found they had "Legman" galore.
They had both his books,
And for thirty "bucks",
I picked them both up off the floor!
--- Anon

Where do old limericks go?
Some good ones were here long ago.
Do they dissapate
Or some similar fate?
Thanks to you if you happen to know.
--- Chris Bolivar

Lear may the first limericks have versed,
But these days his style does seem cursed.
His first four are fine,
But the man's final line
Seems simply to echo the first.
--- Stan Armstrong

Too bad Mr Lear ain't alive
To see how his brainchild doth thrive;
But he might go grey
At how we, today,
Don't copy line one in line five.
--- Norm Storer

Prehistory covers a time
When limericks wern't in their prime;
For the people back then
Had no pencil or pen,
And they hadn't discovered the rhyme.
--- Cap'n Bean P0204

The first limerick writer, Ed Lear,
Wrote nothing so vulgar, I fear.
Good fun was his aim,
Which brought him great fame,
So please don't talk out of your rear.
--- Sue Mitchell

There was an old limerick so naughty
That it traveled from potty to potty,
Reaping shameful cognition
By oral tradition;
It was polished and now it is haughty.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0011

The limericks that here are exhibited
Are bold and downright uninhibited,
We warn ladies meek
It was only last week,
They were banned and suppressed and prohibited.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

God sat in his heaven, contented,
As limericks foul he invented.
On the Bible, I swear,
If I only were there,
This invention I would have prevented.
--- Al Chaplin

At a Web site called
There's a menu to choose first lines from;
Add four more of your own,
Whether nice, or off-tone,
And get starred if they shine with aplomb!

(Toastpoint had a website promoting limericks)
--- Anon

Bob Turvey once said, "I'm a guy,
Who loves limericks, and I'll try,
To trace their dim history
And clear up the mystery
Of who wrote what, when, where and why."
--- Bob Turvey P0607

Earl's wife gave her verdict, "Whatever!"
But, thinking I'd be sort of clever,
I thought if she felt
A bit 'roused, she would melt
Not with who-, but when-, where- and however.

My thoughts fly like birds made of lead.
My limerick muse must have fled.
So what's the solution?
Well, here's my conclusion:
Like flowers, I'll stay in my bed.
--- Tiddy Ogg

The limerick muse in my head
Has sadly gone AWOL and fled;
Replaced, I confess,
With a pressing excess
Of demands to meet deadlines instead.
--- Peter Wilkins

"Do this and do that," says the boss,
Who seemingly gives not a toss;
Then adds with a smirk,
"I employ you to work,
And I can't have you gathering moss."
--- Peter Wilkins

"I don't gather moss," I protest,
"It's too bloody hard to digest."
(A comment I bet
I shall come to regret,
For the boss ain't exactly impressed.)
--- Peter Wilkins

If you have a flair for light verse,
And can keep your verbosity terse,
Get your muse to perform
In the limerick form,
And write us one better or worse!
--- East Coast Lims P0310

If my limericks couldn't be crude,
My muse would really be screwed.
If I couldn't play facile
With shit, fuck, and asshole,
I'd be a miserable, unhappy dude.
--- John Chastaine

My outburst of self-defecation,
(Unworthy of your commendation
For which I've much gratitude)
Is always my attitude,
When straining from muse-constipation.
--- Anon

I'm lonely and sad and bereft,
Deserted by muses who left.
I now cannot write
With scansion that's tight,
And thoughts of a bosomy cleft.
--- Archie

I cannot write verses today;
My muse is reluctant to play.
Instead I'll just jot
Down some words such as "twat"
And arrange them face down on a tray.
--- Peter Wilkins

Then closing my eyes, I shall pick
A word out at random like..."lick".
Good heavens! And "lips":
And the third on is "drips",
So the last, I presume, must be "ice cream"?
--- Peter Wilkins

This is file iom

I pray for an internet ban
On limericks that don't even scan,
But merely abuse
Dear Erato, our muse.
'Twere best they were flushed down the can.
--- Johnny Randy

Folk once posted limericks in reams,
But now we've a desert, it seems.
Long gone's that oasis,
That once formed the basis
Of many lads' sticky wet dreams.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Whenever there's a limerick drought,
I'm tempted to fuss, fume, and pout;
Instead though, with qualms,
And lathered up palms,
I'll quickly just whip my own out!
--- Travis Brasell

I'm working from home, don't you know,
Though it's going exceedingly slow;
But my limerick muse
Is still lighting my fuse,
So I think I'll just go with the flow.
--- Anon

Once limericks a-plenty I wrote 'em,
And into this forum I'd float 'em.
My muse now is dead,
So I sit here instead,
And happily play with my scrotum.
--- Tiddy Ogg Q

I'm eating some crackers in bed.
I write what comes into my head.
My paper is blank.
My muse is a crank --
Who won't sleep with crumbs -- so he said.
--- Anon

If your muse is feeling quite crummy,
He may suffer from upset tummy.
So put him to sleep,
Then quitely creep
Over here where it's constantly sunny!
--- Anon

I too was suffering writer's block.
I sat here and stared at the clock.
With no inspiration,
In total frustration,
But now I see plenty of schlock!
--- Anon

My muse will not come here and sup
Of coffee; I'm having a cup.
My thoughts are quite trite,
So I think I shall write
About the first thing to come up.
--- Anon

My muse has been giving a nudge --
I'll -- Quick! -- write it down now. Oh fudge!
Quick as a wink,
It's gone and I think,
My muse must be nursing a grudge.
--- John Miller

Upon this commode I oft sit
Until a wee ode I have writ;
It helps me to thinkle
While having a tinkle,
And when it's completed, I shit.
--- Peter Wilkins

I fear, though, I've been in a slump;
My muse has gone taken a jump.
But now I've completed
This ode while I'm seated.
My God! Am I needing a dump!
--- Peter Wilkins

My muse arrives only in fall;
For three seasons I write not at all.
I swear it to you;
It's strange but it's true;
Autumn Mania has me climbing the wall.
--- Mike Desso

It's been quite a while, I'm afeared,
Since in here I have appeared.
But the Muse has returned;
I have again learned
A good lim is a thing to be cheered.
--- Chris Anton

Your Muse has returned, Chris, and yet,
You've barely just broken a sweat.
You posted one lim;
Your future looks grim;
Is that all that we're going to get?
--- Observer

I've been on a limerick hiatus;
My muse had an MIA status.
She often eludes me
And this thus procludes me
From passing words worth more than flatus.
--- Anon

It has been a horrid long time
Since I've felt like attempting a rhyme.
My muse went away
But her visit today
Means I'll sit down and write one sublime.
--- Anon

When the Muse points in a new direction,
Toward the limerick writing section,
There's just one thing to do:
Polish up thoughts anew,
And write limericks to perfection.
--- William K Alsop Jr

A limericker woke from his snooze,
Got into his best running shoes,
And worked up a sweat
With a butterfly net,
As he tried to recapture his muse.
--- Cyber Geezer

Limerick muses -- don't fight 'em,
Or spite 'em or slight 'em -- delight 'em.
Relax and invite 'em
To write 'n' rewrite 'em,
Et cetera ad infinitum.
--- Peter Wilkins

And Travis and this here new guy,
On themselves they can always rely,
To vent writer's block,
With their hand on their cock,
Will never leave them high and dry.
--- Anon

Should you question my authenticity,
I shall wither away in pudicity;
No intent of duplicity --
I plead "infelicity" --
I'm a victim of Jung's synchronicity!
--- Kathleen A Martin P8312

It seems part of a "greater design"
That both Bennett and I should incline
To the same turn of phrase
In identical ways;
And to wit, if Cerf's first, what's my line?

(What's My Line - popular TV show with Bennett Cerf, 1950's)
--- Kathleen A Martin P8312

A limerick group is more fun
When gals and guys post at least one
New verse night and day
To beef up the play
'Twixt muses who think on the run.
--- Travis Brasell

My muse only thinks on the squat;
And often he runs cold and hot.
He's a typical male --
He tries not to fail,
But sometimes he can't hit the spot.
--- Ericka

We males, I'm quite sure, all agree
You've got a 'hot spot,' namely 'G,'
That quivers with wit,
Whenever it's hit
And counters with great repartee.
--- Travis Brasell

How kind of you, sir, to advance
Compliments to me, if by chance.
Are you using your tongue
And those words, so well hung,
To try to get into my pants.
--- Ericka

I will with verbosity chit
And chat with you hoping that it
Will give me the chance
To get in your pants --
But hon, I don't think they will fit!
--- Travis Brasell

And my muse is female, I know
'Cause often she just doesn't show.
She's done it again;
I started and then --
Before I can come, she will go.
--- Archie

When I grow up I want to be
A man with an earned PhD.
And then I could write
A limerick right,
And sign it "Dr C-U-N-T."
--- Travis Brasell

Or maybe I would be an owner
Of some office store and sell toner;
I'd hire me a clerk
Then put her to work
And pay her to tone up my boner.
--- Travis Brasell

The question is moot, I suppose,
If the rhythm and meter still flows;
Why the name of the poop
That's spread in this group
Is "limerick", nobody knows.
--- John Miller

A limerick is written more tightly
That those I've been reading, so lightly
Constructed and formless,
By prats who are gormless!
Admonished John Miller, contritely.
--- Hugh Clary