A limerick, when it's done airily,
Produces light humor, summarily,
Resulting in cluckles
And knee-slapping chuckles!
Retorted John Miller, Hugh Clarily.
--- Travis Brasell

Through the process of elimination,
I found cause for Big E's consternation.
The cause is, to wit,
And to quote her, "I sit..."
That brought me a realization.
--- Anon

Takes thought to make a lim pleasin'
And springtime just ain't thinking season.
Just sitting won't work.
Give your mind a good jerk,
'Cause it only stands to reason.
--- Anon

I sit in continuous thought,
Combining the lines that are wrought,
From hours of thinking,
(And copious drinking),
So I don't do the work that I ought!
--- Anon

My lines are all simply mine,
I figure one theme at a time.
But sometimes a theme
Pops out with a scream,
And I have to just write that new rhyme
--- Anon

The technical books I have here
Are related to work and career;
But it's taking me ages
To read all these pages,
And learn this new garbage I fear.
--- Anon

It leaves me with so little time
To compose and post limerick rhyme.
Now my brain is stuffed full
Of work nonsense and bull-
Shit. It sure is a terrible crime.
--- Anon

Some lims have no consequence here,
While I wait for the weather to clear.
Inspiration I'll find
If I empty my mind;
That's the theory to which I adhere.
--- Anon

OK; as a theory it stinks,
For my mind is like that of a sphinx;
It's inscrutably void.
I'm not best overjoyed;
I should concentrate harder, methinks.
--- Anon

Much better than that, I can do,
So a coffee or tea I shall brew.
(Shuffles off to the kitchen
And presses the switch on
The kettle then pops to the loo.)
--- Anon

That's better; an hour on the can!
(The result of my breakfast of bran.)
Now I'm sure I shall find
With that weight off my mind,
That my lims go according to plan.
--- Anon

There was a young lady of France
Who would thwart all attempts at romance.
(For a reason I now
Can't remember somehow
For my mind has returned to its trance.)
--- Peter Wilkins

OK now; I'm shutting my eyes.
(Sheesh it's dark - but it's worth a few tries.
I see ripples of light.
No; they're nipples all right
And Waahey! I see bumcracks and thighs.)
--- Anon

(I see girls; I see cows; I see sheep;
I see visions of Little Bo Peep;
I see Little Miss Muffet;
She's frigging her tuffet;
Her fingers are digging in deep.)
--- Anon

Oh dammit! I've just spilled my tea.
I've gone knocked it all over my knee
And my testicles too!
(Races back to the loo;
Checks them out for a moment or three.)
--- Anon

Guess who I just met in the loo?
'Twas my neighbour next door name of Sue.
I was clutching my balls
And with pain climbing walls,
When she calmly said, "How do you do?"
--- Anon

"I don't!" I said, wincing in pain.
"I shall never have nookie again."
"Don't be silly", said Sue,
"In a moment or two
All your bits will be righter than rain."
--- Anon

"Well thanks. But I'm puzzled, dear Sue,
As to why you are here in my loo."
"Well I needed a wee
Little piddle", said she,
"For it helps with my limericks too."
--- Anon

"You too? At the end of your tether?"
Said I. "Now I'm wondering whether
You'd join me, dear Sue
(In or out of the loo)
Writing limerick verses together."
--- Anon

I think I should finish right here,
For my brain is now knackered, I fear.
Lovely Sue's gone away
For the rest of the day;
You may sigh with relief now or jeer.
--- Anon

I cannot write one fucking rhyme,
In a decent limerick time.
What am I to do?;
My brain's turned to goo.
Just pass me a Corona with lime.
--- Irish

If it comes down to which one to lose,
Limerickin' or drinkin'? No news.
I prayed to the muse,
"Which one should I choose?"
She answered, "Don't give up the booze."
--- Irish

My Muse has gone AWOL I fear;
I'm bereft of a single idea
For a limerick verse.
Can it get any worse?
It just did. I just ran out of beer.
--- Anon

Take yesterday, Tuesday. I spent
Half the day (well, the evening, I meant)
Writing garbage; but then
At a quarter past ten
I wrote "Was a young man from Tashkent".
--- Anon

Inspired now, I wrote the next line
In excitement; a line just divine;
'Twas "Who's dick was so long
That it bent". I was wrong;
After all I was rhyming just fine.
--- Anon

I stared at those words for a while
With a smug and self-satisfied smile;
Then I scribbled down "bucket"
"Nantucket" and "fuck it"
And other things equally vile.
--- Anon

Then horror of horrors! A thought
Struck my mind and it brought me up short.
"Oh my god; these are old
And they're covered in mold",
I exclaimed feeling tired and distraught.
--- Anon

So now I just sit here and stare
At my screen. I'm in utter despair
For my mind is a blank
And however I crank
It I fear there's no limerick there.
--- Anon

My lim cyber-age is two years;
I entered this place with some fears.
But put forth my stuff.
Be damned! No rebuff!
So I hope that I'm here among peers.
--- Anon

What are you on about, Arch?
Been screwing the mad hares of March?
Or have mice you fool
With, softened your tool,
So it's now needing stiffening with starch?

A pole-dancer's not what I am,
And I'll not play lamb to your ram.
If you've got a hard-on
I do beg your pardon --
But Erm could play bread to your jam.
--- Tiddy Ogg

There's limericks plenty I'm sending,
They've left here, but there ain't no ending.
One more senile cock;
Fucked up system clock!
To dotage I'm quickly descending.
--- Anon

A Rose, for some limericks, has chased 'em,
And, catching a few, he won't waste 'em;
To keep 'em from dying,
(And all of us crying!)
He'll copy them buggars, then paste 'em.
--- Anon

This is file inm

I sit here and drink me a cup;
Post rhymes while I breakfast and sup.
Then read 'em all night
While I howl with delight;
It's a good thing I crack myself up!
--- Anon

At last he is gone, the old Earl
To Heaven's gates; the story unfurls.
Saint Pete said, "The Times
Only gave you five lines
But at least they were wisdomly pearls".

(Earl of Limerick dies 2005)
--- Doug Harris P0501

"It's OK", says the Earl, "you can't pick
Or choose an obituary slick.
I'm just glad that I'm here
And not where I'd feared
Down below, with opponent Old Nick!"
--- Doug Harris P0501

"So how do you do it?" Pete whines.
"Cram so very much in, yet refined
Into verse honeysuckle,
Producing a chuckle,
And all over only five lines?"
--- Doug Harris P0501

"It's not easy," the Earl declares
(Still blissfully all unaware
That Pete in his wisdom
Plans plagiarism,
Behind his angel-like stare).
--- Doug Harris P0501

See, St. Pete has it in his plan
To come back to the world as "The Man",
And to take up the berth
Left vacant on earth,
As champion of rhyme, if he can.
--- Doug Harris P0501

He wants for material gains
Based on copying the Earl's old sayings,
With Limerick lucre,
(He expects a Booker),
The poetry scene (mortal) to reign.
--- Doug Harris P0501

Fed up with the saintly democracy,
He wants to try out some plutocracy.
His career, it is fair;
Is all up in the air,
If he can overcome some bureaucracy.
--- doug Harris P0501

(And he ain't told the boss that his staff
May shortly show less on the graph.
But of course, God's in the know
And sometimes it shows
As he tries very hard not to laugh).
--- Doug Harris P0501

God's keen for a new face on his gate,
(A pearlier smile that won't grate).
An angel to afford
Grace of the clipboard,
As he welcomes new clients to their fate.
--- Doug Harris P0501

So that is the way that it went;
Pete got to develop his bent.
And guess who got signed
As God's aide, you will find
'Twas the Earl, as God said "Heaven sent!"
--- Doug Harris P0501

So what of each exchanged career?
Though you may well think this a small beer.
Well the requisite meter
Eluded Saint Peter;
No chat shows or book signings here!
--- Doug Harris P0501

His dreams became shattered at once,
As he learned that which mattered (the dunce).
Of love and efforts best,
Not a cash hungry zest,
Now he's stranded on earth with two puns.
--- Doug Harris P0501

The Earl meantime, he took wings;
Excelling in after-life things.
You'll meet him perchance
In God's main entrance,
As some whimsical comfort he brings.
--- Doug Harris P0501

God says he has freshened the air most
In the difficult top of the stair post.
(He's now dyed his hair blonde
And become very fond
Of the rest of the angelic fair host).
--- Doug Harris P0501

So when it is timely to go,
Look out for the Early "Hello".
He'll be there with a verse,
(Not to swell his purse)
That will start you right off with a glow.
--- Doug Harris P0501

But don't be in a rush to jump
Off this coil, look after your pump.
Keep your heart in its place,
Serve the whole human race,
And don't act like Peter (the chump).
--- Doug Harris P0501

Rather, seek to bring love and some fun;
Like our Earl, refrain from being glum.
Keep out of the hearse,
By practising verse;
Bang the versal rehearsaling drum!
--- Doug Harris P0501

A bevy of beauties once penned
Their lim'ricks about how they've sinned.
But now they're so quiet;
Is there some new diet
They've tried that has left them quite thinned?
--- Anon

H Mencken is probably right;
His thinking was always so bright,
And he knew the trick
Of a good limerick--
Long lines make it hard to recite.
--- Anon

So thanks for your patience proverb'al;
Hope that I didn't disturb y'all.
Once this has been read,
I'll hide 'neath the bed,
Out of fear that the Limerick cops you'll call.
--- Anon

Said the bird, "I'd like to be glamourous
In the poetry world; to be famourous.
If I write using limerink,
Will you kick up a literary stink,
Or can I say, now I-am-bic pen-tamerous?"
--- Doug Harris P0504

John Miller is handsome and slim,
But hairwise, it is getting grim.
His dear wife, (with poor sight),
Combs his long locks each night,
But this hair doesn't belong to him.
--- David Miller

Tomorrow, they say, never comes,
And people like me, mostly thumbs,
Have hardly begun
What could have been done
Days before by mere morons and bums.
--- John Miller

But back to respond to dear Dave
Who chose to come out of his cave,
And let his girl rot
While fomenting a blot
On me with his rant and his rave.
--- John Miller

Of ribbons and medals I've naught;
Nor battles have I ever fought,
Unless you can count
When slow to dismount,
As her husband came in, I got caught.
--- John Miller

Oh Brother! Have you got it wrong!
The blubber hangs over my thong.
My face, like a frog,
Scares even my dog.
(Though I still have a seven inch dong.)
--- John Miller

I was wrong, much to my chagrin,
But maybe I could be your kin.
Your appearance I see,
Is exactly like me;
So I think you could be my twin.
--- David Miller

The hair that I have 'round the rim,
Of my skull is both robust and trim.
And though it's turned white,
It still works all right
As a broom for a dusty old quim.
--- John Miller

I'd not say her sight is so poor
When I can't get into the door
And past her inspection,
Without prompt detection
That I've spent the night with some whore.
--- John Miller

Now David, you do have that right,
But not as you're thinking, quite.
This wavy hair falls
Right next to my balls,
Where she keeps it from tangling tight.
--- John Miller

You're right. As a lover of quim,
And of life to be lived to the brim,
Who's willing to share
Whatever is there,
The concept "Belong" grows quite dim.

On girls who will tickle my thing,
And make me feel grand, like a king,
I'll gladly bestow
Whatever I grow
And my seed and a shiny brasss ring.
--- David Miller

By what was this frizzy hair stuck?
Had our hero, not trusting his luck,
Pulled out just in time,
To spread all this slime
Or just had a Clintonesque fuck?
--- John Miller