If I had the time to be witty,
I'd make all my Limericks pretty.
I'd sit in my chair
With my feet in the air,
And laugh at the folks in the city.
--- Billy

Hey Malo! Malo! Are you there?
I know that you think I'm a square,
But Hey! What the Hell!
There's others as well;
Miss those lims with that great Malo flair.
--- John Miller

I would think in these turbulent times,
You would furnish some delicate rhymes
In your sweet flowing style
To help us all smile,
To verse like mellifluous chimes
--- John Miller

If there's one thing that I regret most,
Then it's publishing just for the boast.
These poems you see
Are written for free;
There's never a check in the post.
--- Richard Long

When asked to compose a wry ditty,
All rhymers from country and city,
Every Susan and Dick
Came up with a trick
To write limericks nitty and gritty.
--- Tony Davie Collection

These limericks often are crude,
In fact, they can be rather rude.
To enjoy them, you see,
It is best you not be
Very modest, a saint, or a prude.
--- Cap'n Bean P0604

My summer vacation is due,
But this year I'm working it through,
For many a week.
Though I'll often-times peek,
I'll be adding much less to this stew.
--- Anon

You! Lying there on your butt!
Don't you have some good limericks to strut?
'Stead of quaffing a beer,
Try spreading good cheer,
Innuendo, sick humor, and smut!
--- John Miller

I'll lie way back here on my butt,
Watch Sue being reamed by her mutt,
While fingering Jen,
A Rhode Island hen,
And getting her stallion in rut.
--- Archie

You lie on your ass doing WHAT?
Get right up and service that slut!
Chuck the dog in the street;
Insert your own meat;
Let Jen have the horse, me the butt.
--- John Miller

Has somebody muzzled old Pete?
Is he broke and turned out on the street?
Is he short of apparel
And sweet girls like Carol,
Alone and with nothing to eat?
--- John Miller

There was an old man with a beard,
Who was sober and sane it appeared;
'Til one day in his bed
He read verses by Ed-
Ward and now he's eccentric and weird.
--- Anon

Now that I've come back to the group,
My skills I must try to recoup.
Is the love of my pen
After whom I still yen,
Still here to put up with my poop?
--- Anon

A poet named Heinrich Himmerlich
Finally published a limerick.
His maniacal chortle
Proclaimed "I'm immortal!"
But alas, his renown was ephemeric.
--- Cyber Geezer

Yes, I'm back. I've been gone quite an age;
My server is lacking this page.
And google was tough
To read offline enough,
But we've fixed it, now I'm back on the stage.
--- Tobias

How long has it been, Do you know?
Since I last posted lims here to show
My incredible wit;
(Don't believe it a bit,)
Just where did the months and years go?
--- David S

It's a pleasant surprise when you flounce
Back in, and I'll happily pounce
On the flimsiest chance
To get in your pants,
And answer you "Yes!" on both counts.
--- John Miller

You want to get into my pants?
I'd love to see that song and dance.
You'd wriggle and squeeze,
Then pant and say "Please!
Your zipper is biting my lance!"
--- Marlene Lewis

Now listen here, Daun, you old cow,
I don't need your help to know how
To get filthy rich,
You old spamming bitch.
Go off, dear, and hang yourself now.
--- Tiddy Ogg

That Daun is a fat cow is true;
She's just like the one's that you screw;
But you should have known
When she never phoned;
And after you fucked her, she'd moo.
--- David Miller

Something is missing in here;
Why doesn't our Tony appear?
Has something gone wrong
With his kitty kat farm
Or worse. He's been missing all year.
--- Nawahl

Seems the limerick's completely obsessed us.
Soon the poetry police will arrest us --
For to take such delight
In the nonsense we write,
It borders on downright incest'ous.
--- Mary Sullivan

There's nobody here -- where are you?
There used to be lots -- now there's two.
Yo! Limmers come out!
Or I'm going to pout!
I'll hold my breath till I turn blue.
--- Marlene Lewis

I'm here in my workshop alone
Just working away, as I'm prone
To do as a bard;
On something that's hard;
I'm working my hands to the bone!
--- Travis Brasell

Sweet Jesus! What happened to Peter?
His dick, he has said, spanned a meter --
Could it be that his trunk
Has shriveled and shrunk,
While his tongue grew, the better to eat her?
--- John Miller

Has he worn that poor thing to a nub?
Is the head there, or only the stub,
Laid bloody and bare
By rough pubic hair,
More suited to pots that you scrub?
--- John Miller

On tiring of dear, patient Bess
And hoping for less of a mess,
Did he seek 'midst the coral
Some solace more oral
And sharks leave him sporting much less?
--- John Miller

Or was he alone in the tub,
Just giving his member a rub,
When the bulk of his pole
Escaped down the hole,
While inducing a major hubbub?
--- John Miller

From here speculation is rife...
Did that penis fall prey to Pete's wife?
Or a sexual disease,
Of, if you please,
A Mohel with a very sharp knife?
--- John Miller

I last posted on June 23rd,
Re: Lims are Gay (final word).
There's only once since
From Clary (Lims' Prince)
Did aliens abduct the whole herd?
--- C Anton

I'm sorry, dear C, but my muse is
Off on the beer and refuses
To help me to scribble.
My flood's now a dribble,
Of painfully passed limerick juices.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Perhaps it is caused by the lumpy
Ejections that come from your rumpy,
Since you gave up drinking,
That evilly stinking
Pale liquid that's sold off as scrumpy.
--- Archie

Oh no! The aliens came
And made all of your limericks lame.
Don't care 'bout ejections
Or even erections.
Don't try to give Tiddy the blame!
--- Marlene Lewis

This is file imm

Well James, I'm afraid, now you're hooked;
Your goose, as they say, is now cooked.
Addictive, this junk,
More than crack, hash or skunk,
I'm sorry to say that you're fooked.

The authorities can't put a ban on
That incontinent scribbler, Anon:
He's rudely demotic,
Lewd, coarse and erotic,
And has written nine-tenths of the canon.
--- Eva Amata

What folly to fix home upon
These verses to carry fame on!
Whether crafted with ill
Or with consumate skill,
They will all be ascribed to Anon.
--- Laurence Perrine P8505

I really have plenty of time
To make all my writing sublime.
I cannot ignore
That I'm just eighty-four,
And I'm swiftly approaching my PRIME.
--- Billy

A Limerick I want to compose,
With letters all in straight rows.
It should be quite brief
To avoid any grief,
Unlike most of my prose.
--- Anon

As writers of limericks prolific,
We strive to be more than specific.
Deft use of the rhyme
And a good paradigm,
Often results as horrific.
--- The Sailor P0306

An American writer of verse
Wrote limericks vulgar and terse.
Said his victims, who groaned
And unceasingly moaned,
"At leaast it can not get much worse..."
--- Alastair Thompson

There is not much to do in the sticks,
Except screw all the time just like hicks.
So for a change of pace
And to obtain some grace,
I thought I'd try to write limericks.
--- Anon

So how 'bout the rest of you limerickers?
Are you out in the stickers?
On some big farm?
(Tell - there's no harm)
Or mostly just city slickers?
--- Anon

As a writer of limericks naughty,
(I've penned about thirty or forty.)
It's much harder, old bean,
To write squeaky clean;
That's what my experience taught me.
--- Lim E Rick

Should you think we could never defend
These effusions, collected and penned,
As we bid you adieu,
We could say -- shame on you
To have followed us through to the end.
--- Hugh Oliver A140D

There was a young man said, "So what
If some of my rhymes ain't so hot?
If the scanning arrived at
Is somewhat contrived at,
I'd still rather write them than not."
--- Richard Long

It's true that I've never been great,
But to quote other limmers, "Irate!"
I could post a few
If y'all wanted me to,
And your payments were all up to date.

No curse, but a nasty disease;
Ten times worse than a cough or a sneeze.
It's an awful affliction;
A dreadful addiction
Which makes me write verses like these.
--- Anon

It is said there's a Limericker's curse
That takes such a pleasure perverse
In our piteous plight,
As we frenziedly fight,
But can now only make matters verse.
--- Anon

'Twas more than eight long years ago
That the Mad Poet, whom you know
Hid behind the name Anon,
Since revealed as D Tilson,
Stepped forth on journey far to go

A limerick writer named Mickey
Was guzzling his 15th lime rickey.
It gave him the traction
To spring into action
Whenever the last line got sticky.
--- Oberober

A fellow from old Tennessee
Enjoyed limericks and all poetry;
While verses he made,
He was truly dismayed
At how hard this really could be!
--- Anon

My question was really rhetorical,
My interest is less than historical:
Is Donald McGill
Into white rabbits still
Or ladies more hotly clitorical?

All these poems I have penned,
Each shares a nice common trend.
For some at the start
May appear to be art,
But they all go downhill at the end.
--- Richard Long

If limericks were all that we said
And limericks were all that we read,
What a world it would be
For people like me,
With rhyming entrenched in their head.
--- Bob Leclerc

My poetical writing is rare,
And I'm now in the throes of despair.
But now and again,
Like the rain down in Spain,
A limerick falls from the air!
--- Little John T9801

If you write just line one, you're a bum;
Two lines and you get a ho-hum.
Three lines are still bad,
And with four you're a cad,
But five gets you plaudits from some.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0015

If I'm deep in the woods and my meter
Is off, or my rhyme could be sweeter,
Should I feel any guilt
For the lim I have built,
Or forget it and play with my peter?
--- Anon

Now, Arthur, don't get into a snit;
After two years, I've decided to quit.
I gave limericks a run;
It's been lots of fun;
Now I just plain don't give a shit.
--- Tom Ratliff P0410

With balls and holes and shafts,
A master of the this craft
Of limerickese
Should find it no tease,
To give us all a good laugh.
--- Anon

You know how to make my gear hard,
You saucy poetical bard.
Your words cause a movement
I see as improvement;
Give inches and you'll make a yard.
--- Anon

All writers of limericks are nuts --
On this there are no ifs or buts.
It's really no fun
For it's usually done
With no brains -- but you've got to have guts.
--- Neal Wilgus P8505

At limericks, I have ability;
I say that with greatest humility.
But I won't knock on wood
If you say they're no good,
And the whole thing is just one big sillity.
--- Chairman Steve

My work hours are strange, and I fear
That lack of sleep makes it hard to appear.
More often than not
I find I forgot
The thoughts I was going to post here!
--- Chris Anton

This is to writers like Amie,
Who quoted me, but did not name me.
I'm flattered, of course,
But mention your source --
If not, I might force you to pay me.
--- O V Michaelsen P9811

I'm probably wasting my time
Perfecting a limerick's rhyme.
It's better to give them
Immaculate rhythm,
For then they can reach the sublime.
--- Larry Dahl

Laureates damn with a curse
The lecherous limerick verse.
But my pen can't refuse
That lewd little muse;
I'll double-entendre in my hearse.
--- Bruce Thompson