"A group of good limmers I wish
I'd match, they're so good and so swish.
My mind's filled with bones
And rocks and round stones,"
Said Archie who often speaks gibberish.
--- Archie

The fate of the thirteen foot beast
Concerns me just not in the least.
What worries me most
Is being the host
Of the Archie Rhyme School of the East!
--- Anon

An author some labeled a cheater,
Could always maintain perfect metre.
To write, was the trick,
While stroking his dick,
And he signed all his limericks By Peter.
--- Bob Birch P0204

Now who would have thought of the name;
None other than Bean, of great fame.
Now he writes with great breadth,
About illness and death,
And he does so without guilt or shame.

(probably about "grimmericks")
--- Bob Birch P0303

Bean's grimmericks could never get worse,
For he writes them in ways quite perverse.
But he's started a trend
That's not likely to end,
When they cart him away in a hearse.
--- Bob Birch P0306

Dirruk enters the Oval Office erect;
He is now the President - Elect.
Monica's no longer there,
But new interns beware;
A new one each night he'll select.
--- mdt1

These newsgroups have often been droll,
But time now has taken its toll,
And all the great limmers
Are little but glimmers,
Sucked into a hidden black hole.

Old H's the best, I declare,
And your's is quite good, to be fair.
But I've not seen a lim
From Malo or him --
Have they both disappeared in thin air?
--- John Miller

Herewith is old John Miller's Tale,
Heard once, whilst dead drunk in the jail;
His Lims are quite cagy,
But he's showing his age, he
Falls asleep in the midst of wassail.
--- Heekster

It is truth, Oggy Man, that you speak
My own efforts are woefully weak
John's so endlessly mirthy,
That we are not worthy
To compete with the Limerick Freak.

While I slap my head and say "doh!"
(I must be incredibly slow)
Never entered my head
At the top of this thread,
Who the "John Miller" was, don'cha know?
--- Q

John Miller's not over the hill,
He's dressed up, and looks fit to kill;
Ready to perform
In the uniform,
That he wore at the Bunker Hill.
--- Anon

John Miller is handsome and slim,
But hair-wise it's sure getting grim;
His dear wife, (with poor sight)
Combs his long locks each night,
But this hair doesn't belong to him.
--- David Miller

Your assertion I surely do wish
Were true, but lies aren't my dish:
My sex life has faded
Quite possibly aided
By Bessie, young lambs, and strange fish.
--- David Miller

So thank him and e'en shed a tear
For the prince of 5 lines without peer
(Except Cerf, Nash, and Vaughn,
Legman, Reed, and so on)
Who, like them, to write some more now, we're...
--- Anon

When John hits the three sixty-five,
Are you sure he will still be alive?
But it sure would be neat
If he managed to beat
Old Methusela's nine hundred and five.
--- Peter Wilkins

When John Miller hits three sixty-five,
We'll feel all aglow and alive.
They were all very good
And I think that he should
Continue, and that is no jive.
--- Al Willis

Collecter of limericks in need
Of original specimens freed
Of the gross and obscene.
Must be witty, but clean.
Send examples by mail to L. Reed.
--- A N Wilkins P8703

That Limericist, Laurence Perrine,
Crafts a line that's so fine, it's divine!
Though I revel, each new ish.,
In his verses, I do wish
They could look a bit worse, next to mine.
--- Robin K Willoughby P8402

Though Arch may mis-rhyme with impunity,
He has a long standing immunity,
'Cause he's done his time
Perfecting straight rhyme,
Like all the real limerick community.
--- Cyber Wizard

Malo, do you sometimes lurk?
I know that you thought me a jerk
And caused me some pain
When you yanked on my chain,
But you turned out some marvelous work.
--- Dirruk

Yes, John boy, I still hear you moan.
You better now leave me alone.
There's work to be done
By my sweet little hon;
Right now she is sucking my bone.
--- Mr Malo

I am sure that somewhere I read
That Malo was buried and dead.
But now it just seems
He's out of his jeans,
And busily getting some head.
--- Archie

Hey Malo, you grumpy old fart;
I see that you're still playing smart.
Wonder if that young chick
That is working your dick,
Is able to get that thing hard.
--- Dirruk

Some folks wish that I'd go away.
But one or two want me to stay.
But it won't get me laid,
Or honored or paid,
So that's quite enough for today.
--- John Miller

Perrine just surpasses the rest.
His limericks are only the best.
And for extra fun,
He sneaks in a pun.
He'll make us look bad, I protest!
--- Jim Weaver Collection

When Petal and Sweet P have fun,
We all can be sure of a pun
Or two and some ex-
tended lines (and sex).
They are gelogenic Top Guns!
--- Archie

I saw Peter at the ballet.
Not once did the cad look my way.
Too busy, I'll wage,
At prancing on stage,
Performing that lame grand jete.

Dear Peter, it's nice that you're back!
Thought you might be stuck in a shack,
Or some strange hotel,
Or business trip hell,
Or chained to a huge torturous rack!
--- Carol

Alas no vouptuous racks
Like yours, dear, on which to relax;
Just hellish hotels
And monastic-like cells
In depressingly rain-sodden shacks.
--- Peter Wilkins

What fun we could have now if Peter
Would likewise go fracture some meter,
In a way so perverse,
That reading the verse,
Raised the hackles straight up on the reader.
--- Anon

I once met Peter, I'll say!
His peter was quite a good lay.
We fucked day and night
Like bunnies, alright!
Positions? Oh, yes, everyway!
--- Susan Arden

So, now he's been seen in a dress?
Oh dear, what a terrible mess!
I've done it again
And queered up my men.
Seems now I'm in awful distress.

This is file ikm

Those limericks clearly don't stink
And some are quite dandy, I think.
So I have to be fair
And make others aware
By providing Pierce Evans a link:
--- Archie

I'll now make a limericks that's betterer,
Or my name isn't Richard H Lederer.
You may think it's odd o' me
To write about sodomy,
Fellatio, fucking et ceterer.
--- Cunning Linguist

Rob Herrick wrote some of the best;
He rhymed with beat verve and great zest.
Yet I liked him most
As the literate host
Who wrote of sweet Julia's breast.

(gather ye rosebuds while ye may...)
--- Archie

New guy Alex Heydon, is neat!
He knows what to do with his feet!
His scan and his rhyme
Are correct every time
And his social impact is elite.
--- jem P0504

Six others are due for some praise
The balance could spend a few days
Learning tricks of the trade
They might yet make the grade
For the seeds of their talent amaze.
--- jem P0504

But on top, there's Domenico (Bob)
Whose Spoonericks do such a job
To get us admiring,
Inquiring, perspiring
To equal his skill - what a nob!
--- jem P0504

Langford Reed saved the limerick verse,
From being taken away in a hearse.
He made it so clean
Now it's fit for a queen,
Re-established for better or worse.
--- George Bernard Shaw

What's happened to Travis Brassel?
Has he bid us all a farewell?
A wife's ultimatum?
Did she say, verbatim,
"Quit limming or go straight to hell"?
--- Observer

Please give us some kind of clue,
That what we fear most, isn't true.
Just as you've been shirkin',
And get back to workin',
You need to know we're missin' you!
--- Observer

Alabama's old bard is no more
Since August, two-thousand and four;
He's retired to his sod
To bugger fair Maud
And the whores that they peddle galore.
--- Tiny Erl

He told me by mail, quite dejected,
Of problems he had while connected.
I've heard nothing since
(And here's where I wince)
Methinks he can't get it erected.
--- Frank Fazed

I know of an old guy named Thomas,
Who writes limericks with dots and commas.
While he's some times perverse
He's quite good with his verse
Which he writes while in his pajamas.
--- Tom Patton P0408

The limericks have slowed to a crawl;
There ain't much of late to enthrall.
I'm thinkin', perhaps,
That one of you chaps
Should give Jon and Carol a call,

Don't worry yourself, they'll be back
No need to have heart attack.
Sit back and relax;
Take some exlax.
And wait patiently for more crap.

And, let's not forget about Pete;
To hear from him would be a treat,
But, could be that bard
Is working too hard,
Or shacked up in some hotel suite.

And Travis has gotten too old;
At least that is what I've been told.
Let's not count on him
To write us a lim...
His limerick muse has gone cold.

Old Archie and Marty and Hugh
Should sit down and write us a few,
And I suppose I,
Too, could give it a try,
But, you know I ain't goin' to!

Dear Dirruk, we're all here to help,
We're heeding your desparate yelp.
We'll ride to your aid,
Although I'm afraid
After Rita I'm buried in kelp.

The males here are all pretty strong
To see that you don't suffer long.
And the girls, from their hearts,
Will all do their parts
To get you back where you belong.

There's plenty of skills that we've got
To help you get out of that spot.
So don't give up hope,
We'll fix up that rope,
And then help to tighten the knot.

(Now, in this violent age,
Most newsgroups are brimming with rage;
So isn't it swell
That ol' AJL
Is still in the warm, friendly stage?)

Mr Dirruk, I don't understand...
Why delegate me candle-man?
While the dames are fellatin',
I'm sittin' here waitin',
Protecting a flame with my hand!

From my heart, Dirruk dear, I do care;
Please don't let the noose catch your hair;
We all like you a lot
And now John's fixed the knot.
"Do you mind if I now take this chair?"
--- David Miller

Since some of my lims are disasters,
Worth little but pence or piasters,
I frequent this forum,
Though it lacks decorum,
To fawn at the feats of the masters.
--- Hugh Clary

Hugh Clary writes lims very well,
But the best? It's easy to tell
You haven't been here
Long year after year --
The best ones are funny as hell!
--- John Miller

Now Hugh, there is no need to pout.
The things I was writing about
Was of folks from the past
Who can't be outclassed...
That's when the power went out.
--- John Miller

If yours are worth even piasters,
You test me and even the "masters",
Who in any event
Have not made a cent,
While "winners" are often disasters.
--- John Miller

John Miller is on a big roll;
He's totally out of control.
He's putting them out
Like rain from a spout.
And nary a one has he stole!
--- Observer

Observer, I don't need to steal 'em;
I don't even think, I just feel 'em.
As you might have guessed,
Sometimes I'm obsessed;
My fingers just move and I reel 'em.
--- John Miller

John'll do anything for a buck,
And once starred in porno with a duck!
Though he lies through his teeth,
We know he's no thief;
He buys Lim's off the back of a truck!
--- David Miller

Buy 'em? I wish that I could,
But the onces that they sell aren't much good.
So I stay at home,
And roll all my own,
Then I post 'em in here as I should.
--- John Miller

And as for my dealings with ducks --
I did that for fun, not for bucks.
The trade in perverse
Is like that of verse;
The stuff that they sell mostly SUCKS!
--- John Miller

There once was a man named Lefever
Who was clearly an underachiever,
In thinking that limericks
Should be written as hymn-ericks,
Instead of a subject like beaver.
--- Hugh Clary