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When Wilhelm, the crown prince of Prussia When incest occurs between royals, Let's put all the rumors to rest. Royals treat all our cautions with scorn When cousins of royal blood wed, And they asked the Nippon Mikado, I fought my way here to the castle. Then said the Prince Palatine: Prince Henry and Queen Wilhelmina His Lordship is frenziedly plumbing A prince is not taken for granted; The prick of the Shah of Iran Said the King, "What's that smell that I smell? Then arose King Alphonso of Spain, Said the King to the Queen, "I am pissed, A Walachian ruler named Vlad Our scribe writes with delicate malice There once was a Monarch of Spain, The royal family in England is odd. Or that hats are the Grandmother's thing, Henry II, the first Plantagenet, As ancestors they're quite a quartet. Not the least of their family tree On one branch there is Henry the Eight, Then later came good old Queen Bess, With that history it's not hard to see When King John saw the literate wright The Queen and the Duke were dismayed A courtier, in dazzling array, In that old Royal Castle, Balmoral, Inflation, it's sad to relate, The Postmaster-General cried: "Arsehole! Said Canute, as he gazed on the ocean, A lady who lived near Lock Ness After Windsor's Duke eschewed his spot, "No more mistresses", King Edward said, There was a young monarch named Ed, That randy old Edward of Wales To be a Scots king, said the scroll, As a sample of royal duplicity, Many Kings of England have been great, There was a young Duchess called Fergie, It's rumored the queen's newest hobby Don't know, but I'm willing to bet The King must have been off his trolley; His bubble about to just burst, Of the Georges, it's thought that the first, Said the OAP: "Christ, how obscene! (OAP - old age pensioner)
One Shoppe sold to the royalty scene The nation rejoices or mourns As her Majesty rides past the crowd, In Dundee and Penzance and Ealing, King Harold said, "Oh my, Oh my! Harold's page said, "Sire, I fear "Both are prefered," said our Harry. Said the King, "Are things going our way?" Said William with a loud Norman curse, A very large lady from Chertsey Lady Di has the Windsors in states, King John was a robber and raper, King Billy cried out at the Boyne, Said King George to Queen Mary, "Regina, King John, from his throne in the palace, When King John died, few men shed a tear, A king dining in Canterbury King Richard, in one of his rages, King Richard was called Lionheart,
Wed his cousin, the princess of Russia
The loving happy pair
Produced a royal heir
Who got scratched and he bled like a gusher
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0207
Mother nature's intention it foils.
Results of such marriage
Often prelude miscarriage,
Crazy boys or black beards on the goils
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0207
The Royal family's funny at best.
Their infamous screwin'
Led to rack and ruin
By cousins who engaged in incest.
--- Tom Patton P0207
Cousins marry despite what we warn
So when they cohabit
And screw a la rabbit
You never know what will be born
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0207
They're awaiting their offspring with dread.
If results or their screwin'
Will bring rack and ruin,
Perhaps they should give head instead
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0207
A monarch well pinned in bravado, (should be schooled??)
If the men of his land
Ever did it by hand,
To which he replied, "Oh my God no!"
--- G1057
The guard now wants me to arm wrestle.
The Prince I must see,
'Cause he will want me.
I find sleeping on peas a hassle.
--- Marlene Lewis
"Of course, fornication is fine,
But I entertain 'em
Per os et per anum,
A sport I consider divine!"
--- G1050
When they'd served as Prince Consort and Queen a
Full year and a day,
Were so linked they could play
A duet on their joint concertina.
--- Laurence Perrine P8308
A barmaid whose pussy is humming!
Since he pleasured her twat
With the first wad he shot,
She'll rejoice at the Lord's second coming!
--- Lims Hist & Hyst P9310
I was swept off my feet and enchanted.
He was a good chum;
He said he would come;
Thus was a seed there implanted.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Was so big that all world rulers ran,
For to save ass was smarter.
Said a man, a bold martyr,
"Up the ass or to suck it, I can."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0482
Is it lobster or crab in the shell?"
And he knew that the Queen
Was now coming clean
When she giggled and said, "Go to Hell!"
--- Neal Wilgus P8308
A monarch both haughty and vain:
"When a woman comes nigh,
I take Spanish fly,
And I jazz her again and again!"
--- G1047
For my fist goes right in to the wrist.
I have not fucked a whore
With so mammoth a bore,
And loose women are high on my list."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0579
Practiced rituals we would deem odd.
For a crime where we'd jail 'em,
He preferred to impale 'em.
In its day, though, the custom was mod.
--- Cyber Geezer
Of scandalous trysts in the palace;
Of the covert romances,
Lascivious glaces,
Lewd dances, nude boys and wild galas.
--- Lance Payne P8308
Who was terribly haughty and vain.
When women were nigh,
He'd unbutton his fly,
And screw them with signs of disdain.
--- Anon L1540
It's really small wonder, by God!
That the Queen prefers horses,
Aunt Margaret divorces,
And Charles has the elan of a cod.
--- June Sullivan P8511
And Granduncle Edward refused to be king.
It's a strange family tree,
And below you will see
It dates back to the first Atheling.
--- June Sullivan P8511
Is one DNA won't forget.
His French Queen, Eleanor
Gave him sons (there were four)
Who grew up to cause him regret.
--- June Sullivan P8511
John's treason reverbrates yet.
Young Henry revolted,
Geoff plotted and bolted,
And Blondel was Richard's sexual pet.
--- June Sullivan P8511
Is dastardly Richard the Three.
The commoner winces
What he did to their Princes
Between 10 and 4 o'clock tea.
--- June Sullivan P8511
Who determined poor Thomas More's fate.
He'd a thing about heads
And played musical beds,
And got gout when he put on the weight.
--- June Sullivan P8511
Her sexual habits, we guess.
In a royal red snit,
She finally saw fit,
To terminate Mary's distress.
--- June Sullivan P8511
Why there's quirks in the Brit's royalty.
It's simply bad genes,
Passed along through their Queens,
That accounts for their odd progeny.
--- June Sullivan P8511
He sputtered, "It's simply not right!
Churls who shape wood or latten
Should not study Latin.
The fellow can actually write!"
--- A N Wilkins P9112
To find Andy and Koo had once played.
As for Charlie and Ed,
Well, enough has been said,
'Bout the damsels that they might have laid.
--- Les Herran
Screwed the Queen (Anne Boleyn) one fine day.
He got little credit.
He was promptly beheaded,
For the clear crime of 'lays majeste'.
--- Isaac Asimov
Before there was writing to store all
They knew about sex,
Every scholar suspects
That their sexual history was oral.
--- John E Mayhood P0203
Has now reached the head of the state.
There's no sentry to pass,
Just marquees on the grass,
And a big 'B-and-B' on the gate.
--- Anon
A pair of bull's balls in a parcel!
Stamped I.R.A.,
With nine-pence to pay,
And addressed to the King, Windsor Castle!"
--- Victor Gray
At the waves with their unceasing motion,
"They do not understand
English words of command.
They're foreign waves--French, I've a notion."
--- Mary Danby Armada 1
This is file ynl
Was asked in a quiz: "Can you guess
The Queen's favorite tune?"
She ventured: 'Blue Moon?'
But the answer was "Corgi and Bess'.
--- Ron Rubin
Hitler promised he'd help him a lot.
But the Duke spent the war
As the Bahamas' Czar,
And is now known for naught but his knot.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0107
"Now gardening's my hobby instead.
Now, don't think this silly,
I've got this nice Jersey Lily,
All ready to put in a bed."
--- Frank Richards
Who took Mrs. Simpson to bed.
As the bounced up and down,
He said, "Bugger the crown!
We'll give it to Albert instead."
--- E O Parrot LG0058
Christened those underground rails...
Then looking about
Frowned, "Of girls there's a drought...
I'm off for some ales and split-tails!"
--- TuttaGioia
The Stone of Scone is your goal.
Now Edward the First
For such had a thirst,
And went in for both rock and role.
--- History Pun Chimera P0108
There is Edward VII lubricity:
Understaffed, overstuffed,
And infrequently muffed,
He was forced to resort to publicity.
--- Thomas A Quinine P8601
But not Edward Seven or Eight.
Seven was a roue,
Number Eight threw away
His throne for a social playmate.
--- Warrick Elrod
Who came down with a touch of allergy.
When Andrew came home,
He slipped her a bone,
Which his mother had meant for a curgie.
--- Bill Wall
Is sitting in Buckingham's lobby,
Each night in the nude,
Enjoying acts lewd,
Like fondling the crotch of a bobby.
--- Anon
She fancied the Bobby's helmet.
On many a night
Arresting this sight,
Left many a Guardsman quite wet.
--- Anon
He gave up his throne for his Wally.
She concealed her woo-woo
And her tits were just two;
But she must have had something, by golly!
--- Al Willis T9712
George second was feeling the thirst
Of unbridled power,
But will sit and glower
While wishing he was George the first.
--- Anon
Although bad, was by no means the worst.
The third one is reckoned
Much worse that the second,
And the second much worse that the first.
--- Anon
Eight million a year for the queen!
If you'd like to ask me --
Now we're in the EC,
We should borrow a spare guillotine."
--- Tony Davie Collection
So the rival Shoppe, just to be mean,
Had erected a sign
Having one simple line,
With their rival's name: God Save The Queen!
--- Michael Polo P8605
As this happy or somber day dawns.
Our eyes will be wet
As we sit 'round the set,
Neglecting our flowers and lawns.
--- Wendy Cope
They'll be silent or cheer very loud.
But whatever they do,
It's undoubtedly true,
That they'll feel patriotic and proud.
--- Wendy Cope
We're inbued with appropriate feeling:
We're British and loyal,
And love every royal,
And tonight we shall drink till we're reeling.
--- Wendy Cope
Is that a fly flown in my eye?"
"Oh you silly king,
It's a pointy type thing;
The good news it has lanced your sty."
--- Tony Burrell
You've been struck by a dart in the ear."
Said the King, "Don't know why
The pain's in my eye."
Said the jester, "Do you want see or hear?"
--- Tony Burrell
"A wound is a hard thing to carry."
Said the page, "By my trothe,
I think it's got both.
But I don't think you have much to worry."
--- Tony Burrell
Replied Page, "I don't care to say --
But about my wages,
Ain't had none for ages.
I don't think you'll be around to pay."
--- Tony Burrell
"Boy, things here will only get worse.
Don't get in my way
If you expect pay.
I've got short arms and a very deep purse."
--- Tony Burrell
Saw the Queen and attempted a curtsey.
Then she said: "Will this do?
I am nineteen stone two.
And to bend any lower would hurt. See?
--- Mary Danby Armada 1
For they always put up with their mates.
In fact, young Queen Lizzie
Made her Phillip quite dizzy,
Saying, "The hole of England awaits!"
--- CB
Until his Runnymede caper.
"To make it all clear,"
Said the barons, "sign here --
With a John you've got to have paper."
--- History Pun Chimera P0108
"I have won and the victory is moyne!"
With a scandalous yelp,
James the Second cried, "Help!
Call the cops! Nine-one-one! Got a coin?"
--- Arthur Deex P9602
It's a month since I felt your vagina."
Said the Queen, "Well my dear,
I'm in bed, and it's here,
And the wait makes it all the deviner."
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Employed such a marvelous phallus
That he diddled three slaves,
Six maids and two knaves
And serenely sipped wine from a chalice.
--- John Miller
And the peasants had reason to cheer.
The funeral planned
Was so costly and grand,
It took ten men to carry the beer.
--- A N Wilkins P9506
Went rushing around in a hurry,
Crying, "My realm for cold beer,
Since of burning I fear,
From eating this hot Indian curry."
--- Warrick Elrod
Forsook his good lady for ages,
And rested in bed
With a good book instead,
Or preferably one of the pages.
--- A B Hall P9706
But he fell for a sixpenny tart.
The girl herself said,
When he crawled in her bed,
That the best he could do was to fart.
--- Anon
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