"I'll tell you the reason," said Francis,
"That I like to read true romances.
They are all as false
As a Viennese valse,
But a true one enhances the dances."
--- Laurence Perrine P9305

Tonight, before hitting the sack,
I took your mum's book off the rack.
I didn't intend
To get to the end,
But read from her front to her back!
--- Anon

Serialites in Tel Aviv face a mosaic
Of alphabets, mod and archaic;
In order to read
Their journals, they need
To know English along with Hebraic.
--- Serial Limericks P8401

There was a small student named Duffy,
Who thought both his parents were stuffy.
He got into a snit,
Because they made him sit
For hours while reading McGuffey.
--- William K Alsop Jr

When she's traveling, Milady Bleekom
Carries with her a thick vademecum; (reference book)
At a posh ladies tea,
It's right there on her knee,
To be used if a posh lady bee come.
--- J Maynard Kaplan

He's horny, that schoolboy named Gates,
And what he does rhymes with "the fates",
But it's not as it seems --
He on one of the teams
That practice scholastic debates.
--- Armand E Singer 667

A zoology prof, Dr Crunch,
Brought a specimen out for the bunch.
And his students reported
That he practically snorted:
"I distinctly recall eating lunch."
--- A N Wilkins P0211

A man once from Garbology,
Delved in modern scatology.
He dished out the crud
And slung scandalous mud,
And was a subject of psychology.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Amalgamate two different parts
And their separate nature departs.
You'll find that it's fine
To blend and combine,
But teasing apart'll take smarts.
--- David Morin

Though the students are usually keen
To read limericks penned by the dean,
They say if, in the main,
They have cause to complain,
It's because what he writes is too clean.
--- A N Wilkins P0211

Librarians keep track of the books.
Card catalogs have improved all their looks.
A wee puff of smoke,
'Twas a bit of a joke,
But they frown at us now, like we're crooks.
--- Earl J Moniz

A "B" at the top of your test
Denotes that you aren't of the best.
While "A+" receivers
Are over-achievers;
You're there in the back with the rest.
--- Anon

There was a young schoolboy named Hy,
Who came to class wearing a tie.
His teacher didn't mind;
He was one of a kind,
But his classmates comments made him cry.
--- Arthur Pattaffy Q

I'm sorry; I haven't a clue,
So tell me just what you would do.
We haven't much time,
So answer in mime.
Oh, I see. Very well; same to you.
--- Bill Wall

A perverse old Person named Rose,
Was attracted by sin, I suppose.
He would sit there and think
About women and drink,
Which is okay, as far as it goes.
--- Roger Morris

The Oscars are on the TV,
But it's of no interest to me.
I sit and I rhyme
Just killing some time
Before my bedtime tea.
--- Rev Joseph Blaylock

There is a young lady in Whistletown,
Which is neither a whistle nor missile town;
With nothing to do,
And with no one to coo,
She sits on her porch and blows thistledown.
--- Lims Unlimited

Once predicted were days of "Big Brother",
And that privacy such times would smother.
Now a nation of clones
Armed with camera phones,
We are visually tracking each other.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0509

There was a young man so benighted,
He never knew when he was slighted.
He'd go to a party,
And eat just as hearty
As if he'd been really invited.
--- Francis Parkinson Keyes

There was a bright fellow of Vendre
Whose transgressions the whole world did ponder.
To gossips and press
He'd tell all, but confess
The whole story in double entendres.
--- Anon

There was an old man from Cape Verde
Where nothing whatever occurred,
And things were so drear
That the first of each year
Was often delayed till the third.
--- William K Alsop P9211

There are no apes in an apiary,
Nor any knaves in an aviary.
Facts of life like these,
About birds and bees,
Deserve little space in a diary.
--- Steve Payne P0406

In my youth there were rules without end
I'd obey them, or sometimes pretend.
There were do's, there were don'ts,
There were will's, there were won'ts,
Disobedience, doom would portend.
--- L E Ott P0206

There was a young fellow from Clyde,
Who once at a funeral was spied.
When asked who was dead,
He smilingly said,
"I don't know, I just came for the ride."
--- Anon

An amazing young man named Fred Walls
Has a balancing act which enthralls.
With a pole on his head,
And his nose painted red,
He can hop from the mall to St Paul's.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

When the morning blazed brilliantly free,
Wild euphoria swept over me.
I began the day strong
But that didn't last long,
For inertia soon overtook me.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0411

I wish I had movie-star looks,
Or could write instant best-seller books,
Or some genius possessed
To solve world's unrest --
But no, I'm just one of the schnooks.
--- Cyd

There once was a person of Goring
Who though he would go out exploring.
But all that he found
Was the sky and the ground,
Which seemed to him dreadfully boring.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

Vanished history, long out of view;
London eating house, many in queue.
Patrons waiting for meats
And impatient for seats:
"Table's set, George the Third party, two."
--- J Maynard Kaplan

An uncommonly popular fogey,
Plies a mentally challenging bogey;
That meditation transcends
Both the means and the ends.
Mahhareshi Mahesh Yogi
--- Paul Niquette

"Au revoir, ma cheri, it's adieu."
She said "Ciao, farewell to you.
Tot ziens, wiedersehen,
I'll see you again.
Or as my dad says, toodle-oo."
--- Anon

I stood there and heaved a deep sigh.
Determined I was not to cry.
It wasn't the leaving
That set me a-grieving...
But why'd she not tell me goodbye?
--- Anon

An old librarian named Chester,
Held grudges and let them all fester.
More bitter each day,
Wanted things done his way.
But he lost the best person to pester.
--- Earl J Moniz

This is file sym

I once knew a man and a mouse
Who lived in a very small house;
Each was eager to share
The meager things there --
Though the mouse was a bit of a louse.
--- Anon

When the season begins, Mr. Balfour,
Your pals must be sorry their pal for:
No golf and no Souls,
No nothing but Bowles,
Which is such a dull game, Mr. Balfour.
--- Punch 1902, Vol 122, p268

I turned thirty the other day;
My sexual prime, so they say.
Alone in the house,
I just have to grouse,
There's no one with whom I can play.
--- Anon

I fought in a private domain,
And left there all bruised and in pain.
It's history now,
'Cause I made a vow
To never go back there again.
--- SFA

There was a bloke named I.D.S.
Who said: "Though this party's a mess,
My apathy is
So great for this bus-
Iness, that I couldn't care less."
--- Anon

Though this wonderful age has decreed,
We should all charge along at great speed,
Though we all know we're in it
Just hold hard a minute,
And then with due caution proceed.
--- A Brunton

I picked up this phone from the ground;
I date the contraption around
Nineteen ninety eight.
It's rather too late,
To call up the numbers I found.
--- Anon

Did you ever get one of those feelings
That you hadn't a clue what's the dealings;
When people are talking
And you are but gawking,
While counting the flies on the ceiling?
--- Anon

And there you are still on the phone.
Your fingernails down to the bone.
Press press and then press,
While wrath you re-press,
While pressing against a dial tone.
--- Irving Superior P0800

This is Pioneer Village. The sun
Bakes a field of log-houses to dun.
Each historical hut
Is boarded up, shut,
We shout, shake the gates, wake no-one.
--- Ruth Silcock

So we climb the fence, trespass, explore.
There's a courthouse, a schoolroom, a store,
Barns of furniture, sheds,
Stacked with carts, double beds.
Freezers, motorbikes, prams cram the floor.
--- Ruth Silcock

We poke about, ponder the place.
Someone's missing. We call, rush and chase,
Search an outhouse, a shack.
Here she is, coming back,
A parasol shading her face.
--- Ruth Silcock

We squint at the school through a chink.
Yellow maps, lesson books, blackened ink.
We can just see the date.
Nineteen fifty-eight.
Museums for the living, we think.
--- Ruth Silcock

This proof-reading work is deploring,
So boring I'm verging on snoring;
So after this verse
I'll go find me a nurse
For activities grindingly boring.
--- Peter Wilkins

I spotted a nurse in the distance,
But sadly, despite my persistence,
She swung back her pretty
Right foot without pity,
And threatened my very existence.
--- Peter Wilkins

Alas, I'm now back to the boring
Old proof-reading stuff I'm deploring.
I reckon quite soon
That by mid-afternoon,
I'll be yawning and probably snoring.
--- Peter Wilkins

There once was a person of Ventry
Who called on the neighboring gentry;
He was such a bore
That they bolted the door,
So he rarely effected an entry.
--- Randall Davies P0107

Now finally, a day all alone;
I can do what I like on my own.
No company today;
With myself I can play;
I won't even answer the phone.
--- Anon

I can wear all my old holey clothes,
Including white socks that my toes
Stick out just a bit,
And I don't give a shit,
If anything else is exposed.
--- Anon

I don't have to cook for a horde;
My pots and pans are washed and stored.
I can sit and relax,
All day long eat snacks,
My glass of white wine is now poured.
--- Anon

An old timer who was named Dederonder,
Every night finds himself on a wander.
His light of his life
Joined her family in Fife.
He thought of her as an absconder.
--- Arthur Pattaffy Q

The girl stared at the waxwork and thought
That the image was perfectly wrought,
Which was certainly proved
When the figure's eyes moved,
And the girl ran away quite distraught.
--- Anon

There once was a Helen McKnight
Who woke up at two every night.
When her alarm would chime
At her getting up time,
She'd be dead to the world, just for spite.
--- Edwin J Weinstein

Her husband was the opposite way;
He'd nod off when his head hit the hay.
From two until four,
He'd snort and he'd snore,
Adding to Helen's dismay.
--- Edwin J Weinstein

There was an old man from Penrose
Whose snores interrupted each doze.
Now he sleeps undisturbed
For his snoring is curbed
But a peg which he shoves up his nose.
--- Mary Danby Armada 1

The square peg in a round hole lost face;
Was uneasy but felt no disgrace.
It was just he was daunted
And feeling unwanted,
Unwelcome and quite out of place.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0510Q

There was a young fellow of Perth,
The funniest fellow on Earth.
He could squeak like a rat
And meow like a cat,
Which convulsed the whole district with mirth.
--- John Blyth

A woman from Upper Montclair
Went about with her nose in the air;
Pretentious and rich,
The snooty old bitch
Felt that nobody else could compare.
--- Cap'n Bean P0312

There was an old fellow from Hull
Whose life was unbearably dull;
He pulled out a tack
He had stuck in his back,
And pounded it into his skull.
--- Lims Unlimited

I sat through a very long talk
Whose giver just wasted her chalk.
If she'd read my mind,
She'd probably find
I'd gone for a very long walk.
--- Archie

Such tedium can't fail but grate
Till I just want to cudgel my pate.
Trapped in the room,
Boredom will bloom;
It becomes a near-mystical state.
--- Bruce

I sat and I listened, quite bored,
But that wasn't the worst, as I tore
Out of the room,
Face blushed at my doom.
I'd not only slept, but I'd snored.
--- Archie

Recall fails me. My thinking's unsound,
But it may be that I am renowned
For some outlandish thing.
Which involves a short string
In a bow and what it's tied around.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0202