I talk and I talk and I talk,
Times I pace as I talk while I walk;
My carpet threadbare,
I collapse in a chair,
But my cell phone continues to squawk.
--- Joel D Ash P0510Q

I talk while I sit on the john;
My rear end goes numb thereupon;
Fifty calls as I sat,
I still chat as I shat,
Picture that -- what a strange telethon.
--- Joel D Ash P0510Q

The Englishman has quite a flair
For ignoring what's terribly there.
With a stiff upper lip
He prevents any slip,
Doing it with an unconcerned air.
--- Warrick Elrod

There was an old man of Tralee,
Who sat all day long in a tree.
When begged to come down,
He replied with a frown:
"I'm resting, so fiddle-de-dee."
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

There once was a lady I know
Whose gait was exceedingly slow.
Though try as she might
To keep up, her delight
Was to amble around on tip toe.
--- Edwin J Weinstein

Dreary me! Goodness gracious! With all
Those thrills, my head spins like a ball.
I think I'll lie down
In my old dressing gown
And watch the paint dry on the wall.
--- Indiana Millwart

There's a patch that looks just like a rose....
Snurfle cough!...Must have had a quick doze.
Cut off from society,
I crave some variety.
I think I'll try picking my nose.
--- Indiana Millwart

I knew two young ladies from Florida
Who lived at the end of a corrida.
One was a prude
And the other so crude,
That I just don't know which one was horrida.
--- Mary Danby Armada 1

Housekeeping has been such a chore;
Make it exciting and fun I implore.
Now I take off my clothes
And I dance as I go;
Now it's better by far... and some more!
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Half naked I clean my house,
Still wearing a starchy white blouse.
I remember June Cleaver,
Mother of Beaver,
And don't want to embarrass my spouse.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Embarrass your spouse? Oh no!
He's secretly thinking, "Let's go!"
Do show him what's under,
To pillage and plunder.
I promise he'll love the whole show.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

There once was a fat guy named Bub;
He spent all his time in the tub.
He got out his brush
And the water did rush,
And now he's as slick as a sub.
--- Hick Whitney T9711

There was a strange man from Cape Wroth,
Who bathed in some bright-colored cloth.
When asked for the reason,
He said, "It's the season,
It's not quite as hot as it wath."
--- Jim Weaver Collection

An eccentric who lived in Lachine
Had peculiar ideas of hygiene.
'Twas better, he guessed,
To bathe fully dressed,
As it kept the enamelwork clean.
--- Anon

A sailor who sailed 'round Cape Hope
Put ashore to borrow some soap.
He used it for hours
In the baths and the showers,
But did he return it? -- Nope!
--- Spike Mulligan

A politico named Michael Foote
Said, "This brush, up the chimney, I'll put."
The tune he was humming
Was "Christmas is Coming",
And so was a face full of soot.

(Michael Foote, leader of the Labor Party in UK)
--- Spike Mulligan

Building smokestacks here by the lake
Would be a gigantic mistake.
If we really do care,
We'll take care of our air.
There is much more than money at stake.
--- Gil Kinnunen

We got the house shiny and clean;
It looked just like a magazine.
But since fluffing's the rage,
We are living on stage;
The illusion is what makes the scene.
--- Anon

There was a young lady named Schropp
Whose love was considered a flop.
She would much rather cook
Or read out of a book,
Or clean up the house with a mop.
--- Albin Chaplin

When I travel, the thing which enthralls
More than spires, castles or big halls,
Is whenever I roam,
And therefore I'm not home,
I'm not drying shower stall walls.
--- Loren Fitzhugh

Meet Gladys and Doris and Dot;
One's tall and the others are squat.
It's Gladys who's married
And often quite harried
While Dottie and Doris are not.
--- Peter Wilkins

Employed to keep offices clean
At Screwing, Snivel and Spleen,
They do love a natter
And chatter, no matter;
Their wages are meagre and mean.
--- Peter Wilkins

The senior partner, old Snivel,
Has chairs in his office that swivel;
So that's where they'll be
Everynight having tea,
While exchanging nonsensical drivel.
--- Peter Wilkins

"Oh Gladys, me varicose veins
Are causing me terrible pains."
"Well Dr Van Morris's
Pantyhose, Doris, is
Best for relieving them strains."
--- Peter Wilkins

"I wears them myself for suppo't;
I thought after Tommy, I ought.
Because of his weight
And 'is being so late,
All me veins left me feeling distraught."
--- Peter Wilkins

"Hey Dottie, you making a brew?"
"Yes, give me a minute or two."
"Well, do hurry up;
I could murder a cup
After scrubbing the gentlemen's loo."
--- Peter Wilkins

"I once interrupted young Spleen,
When giving those toilets a clean.
I'm sure he was
There 'aving a jiggle..."
"Aye Doris, I know what you mean."
--- Peter Wilkins

"Why look; if it isn't young Dot
With cups and a tray and a pot.
Now put them down here,
And be careful, my dear,
For that teapot is terribly hot."
--- Peter Wilkins

"Well Gladys, I'm feeling quite frisky.
Does old Mr Snivel drink whisky?"
"Of course, he's a lawyer;
There's some in his drawer 'ere,
But not the old bottle, too risky."
--- Peter Wilkins

"Okay then, a shot in me tea.
And don't forget Doris and me."
"It's loverly, init?"
"Be back in a minute.
I'm popping next door for a pee."
--- Peter Wilkins

"Now Doris, is Gladys all right?
She seems a bit grumpy tonight."
"My guess is, but hush, is
She's getting 'ot flushes,
Dot, just like at 50, you might."
--- Peter Wilkins

"Hey Gladys, does old Mr Snivel
Sit here with his clients and swivel?"
"Why yes, it's a perk
On account of his work,
And..." (etc. etc. more drivel!)
--- Peter Wilkins

"I worry 'bout Dorothy, Glad."
"Now Doris, it isn't so bad;
So what if she's keen
On that nice Mr Spleen?"
"But he's older, by far, than her dad!"
--- Peter Wilkins

This is file sxm

"I hope you're not starting to preach
'Bout men again, Doris, for...
"Oh Gladys, it's not...?
"Don't be silly, hey Dot;
Mind that spider behind the old bleach.
--- Peter Wilkins

"Now Doris, go brew us some tea
And leave our poor Dorothy be;
And then we'll relax
In those chairs in our slacks
For a break until quarter to three."
--- Peter Wilkins

"Oh Gladys, that spider was vast.
It ran like the clappers right past.
Then went up me frock!"
"What a terrible shock,
But look here's the tea at long last."
--- Peter Wilkins

"A biccie?" "Don't mind if I do." (Brit for biscuit)
"You heard about Susie and Hugh?"
"Why yes, didn't the bed,
On the day they were wed...?"
"Aye, and it cost them a packet or two."
--- Peter Wilkins

"And Gladys, love, how's your old man?"
"As good as expected is Stan."
"His op went okay?"
"Aye, he piddled today
Without standing an hour in the can."
--- Peter Wilkins

"But what about marital bliss?"
"Oh that. Well we still have a kiss.
Now Doris, don't sneer."
"Well I don't want to hear
About stuff as revolting as this."
--- Peter Wilkins

"We need a new head on this mop."
"Okay then. Tomorrow we shop."
"Well Gladys, let's go
Up to 'Arrod's and blow
All our wages and shop 'til we drop."
--- Peter Wilkins

"Now Dot, get your butt off that swivel.
Put the booze where old Mr Snivel
Can find it again.
And recork the champagne.
(etc. etc. more drivel)
--- Peter Wilkins

I was cleaning the house in the nude;
The neighbor girl said I was rude,
For not closing the drapes
While I scoured and scraped.
It made her quite she sued.
--- Anon

An executive for an agent,
Was very well known as a 'gent'.
He went to a party,
Threw up on an 'Arty';
Now he cleans toilets for rent.
--- Anon

A refuse collector named Bert
Had a priceless collection of dirt,
Covered up by a screen
To keep it all clean,
With a guard dog on constant alert.
--- Michael Palin

I'm really determined and keen
To give this old house a good clean.
I will do it, I say,
Yes, I'll do it today..
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean...
--- Peter Wilkins

A weird Dervish, the Mystic Awk Kai,
Would bathe rarely and then on the fly,
Doing so in his clothes.
Should you ask, I suppose
He would either drip or spin dry.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9706

My feet were all covered in mud
And Mother yelled, "Don't bring that crud
Into this house so neat.
Put those filthy feet
'Neath the hose and wash them good, bud!"
--- Anon

An Egyptian princess named Sherine
Met a guy who would make her his queen.
So she gave up her job
To be with her heart throb...
Let's hope she can wash, cook, and clean.
--- Virge

Some housekeepers, out to impress,
Will actively clean up a mess;
They'll grab mop and bucket
And start to de-muck it.
There's nothing I'd rather do less.
--- Rory Ewins

Cleaning the house is a bore;
It's a terrible mind-numbing chore.
Whenever I do it,
I race to get through it;
I don't think I'll do it no more.
--- Peter Wilkins

There's too many kids in this tub
There's too many elbows to scrub.
I just washed a behind
That I'm sure wasn't mine;
There's too many kids in this tub.

(Then I found something better to rub.)
--- Shel Silverstein

Silverstein earned his great fame
But here that lim'd get him a flame,
'Cause arrogant fools
With self-imposed rules,
Say two lines can't be just the same.
--- John Miller

A Philipino girl named Imogena,
(An au pair who was really a cleaner.)
Was given some food
Which was not very good;
The result, she got leaner and leaner!
--- Arthur Pattaffy

If I kill all the bugs, I'll be bugless;
If I trash all the drugs, I'll be drugless.
It's said that I'm ripe,
And this isn't just hype.
If I don't take a bath, I'll be hugless.
--- Al Willis P9706

Each morning you're doing your chores,
And busily polishing floors,
Don't shine under the mat;
You might slip and go flat,
And find you had fractured your pores.
--- Mrs Tooley

Housecleaning this spring is a must;
I've found several green things with crust,
Which gives me the urge
For refrigerator purge;
The only bunnies 'round here would be dust!
--- Dirruk

I smooth both my hands down his back;
Then his arms, they take up the slack.
He snuggles me close
And says, "Hold your nose
While I tie the top of the sack."
--- Marlene Lewis

An acrobat once called Uriah
Could cartwheel and jump ever higher.
He'd put on wet clothes
And spin on his toes;
The very first clothes tumble-dryer.
--- Anon

A mistress addressed her maid, Lena,
"I'm tired of your sluttish demeanor.
There's fluff on the floor,
And mud on the door,
And you must keep the vacuum cleaner.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

I heard of a woman from Aberdeen
Who like to keep everything clean.
She'd scrub and she'd wash
Till everything looked posh;
It was the saddest case that I've seen.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Recycling's the game, but I'm gruff,
'Cause the Borough ain't doing enough!
The powers that be
Should provide you and me,
With a bag for our wash-drier fluff.
--- Doug Harris

She lived near a regional boundary,
In a house overlooking a foundry.
On the line at the back,
The smoke from the stack
Would blacken her freshly-washed laundry.
--- Gerry Busch

The Joneses, the arguing type,
Each to each other would gripe.
If her wish he wash, he
Would get wishy-washy
And gripe it is my turn to wipe.
--- Irving Superior P9103

Elizabeth Boggart of Dene
Once fell in the washing machine.
Her mother said, "Lizzie,
Although you feel dizzy,
It's the first time you've ever been clean."
--- Mary Danby Armada 1

She was radiant, sparkling, pristine,
A princess, yes soon to be queen.
Her beauty unspoiled,
Her virtue unsoiled --
Our brand new clothes-washing machine!
--- Laurence Perrine P8811

There stood, in the janitor's room,
A stiff male and a soft female broom.
And one day they said:
"We ought to be wed,
And broom-bride and handsome broom-groom."
--- Tiddy Ogg

Soon after, she said "Darling hush,
And her voice then in torrents did rush.
"I've got a surprise,
I cannot disguise!
We'll soon have our own little brush!"
--- Tiddy Ogg