Said a lovely young fluff, "I've a muff,
That can hold your whole hand to the cuff.
And it hangs round my neck.
What did you expect?
You don't have to leave in a huff."
--- Pierce Evans

There once was a fellow called Willy,
Who said, "It's ever so silly.
I feel such a prat,
Being named after that;
My name really should have been Dick."
--- Jim Weaver Collection

A little old man from Khartoum
Was miserably sunken in gloom.
Could not hold a dance --
Small house and small pants --
Alas, poor man had no ballroom.
--- Anon

When my girl friend is dressed in her bonnet,
She is striking and sweet as a sonnet.
And a thing she's concealing
Which arouses my feeling,
But my finger I cannot put on it.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0051

An excaped insane inmate from Holts
Mistreated charladies named Colts.
The next morning's headline
Met the short deadline,
Saying, "Nut, Screws Washers and Bolts!"
--- John Cahill A

Though they wanted four children, Louise,
Told her husband, "Let's quit at three, please.
'Cause I heard someone say
On the TV today,
'One in every four born is Chinese'!"
--- Observer

A little man named Wilberforce
Rode up to the porch on his horse.
He said, "I'm the best
Screw-er in the West,"
Then pulled out his Phillips, of course.
--- Anon

He's been known to practice great guile,
Though we've not heard from him in a while.
So nosy Parkers
And other Farquhars,
Probably think him still in Argyle.
--- Daniel Ford

He applied for it; no hesitation.
He thought he had found his vocation.
He read the ad fast;
His ideal at last;
He thought it said "pubic relation."
--- Al Willis T9707

A chap who enjoyed hearing lies,
Dated women at least twice his size.
"When we are out neckin',
It's sexy, I reckon,
When she pulls the wool over my eyes."
--- Tom Simon

When I was just a lad of three,
I ask my mother what would I be.
Will I be handsome?
Will I be rich?
She fucking lied to me.
--- Bob

Requested a lecher named Biddle,
"My friends, let me ask you a riddle:
Who is thatched on the top,
Half as old as her pop,
And sports a big hole in her middle?"
--- Armand E Singer 980

A low-minded woman named Buffy
Loves asking this riddle, no toughie:
What starts soft, becomes hard
As a pottery shard,
But ends up all flaccid and puffy?
--- Armand E Singer 975

Since roses have thorns that can nick,
Young ladies sometimes get a prick.
Despite this, to marry,
They have to thank Harry
And Tom (for the roses) and Dick.
--- Irving Superior P9803

Sal Amander's a very nice fella.
His parents are Johnny and Stella.
Years ago, Dad proposed,
And the bedroom door closed.
And now he is called Sal Monella.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

There was once an old bawd from Cape Cod,
Who, when tourists would ask, "Have you scrod?",
Would reply, "Goddamn right!
Up to ten every night!"
There's a gutsy, pluperfect old broad.
--- Keith MacMillan A061B

Mrs Malaprop, always placating,
For this sometimes was deemed, "Fascinating."
Asked to comment, she blushed.
Her sweet face became flushed.
She confessed, "Yes, I'm self defecating."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9711

Disposable condoms? Not me!
In the Navy they're issued for free!
An Army draft board
Sent my brother abroad.
I wish they would send one to me!
--- Moony TP9802

I gnawed on a corncob in moon-
light (I had neither knife, fork or spoon).
My teeth glistened white;
Such a frightening sight;
Quite enough to have shocked a raccoon.
--- Anon

In the light of the silvery moon
Under starlight one summer in June
On a riverside bank
Annie gave me a wank
But it sure as hell shocked a raccoon.
--- Anon

For years now old Timothy Loon
Had worn panties of green and maroon.
They rotted away
On a fine summer day
And the goo in them shocked a raccoon.
--- Anon

I lay with my lover Miss June
In the heat of the day around noon.
She couldn't keep her hand
Off my burgeoning gland
And I jizmed and shocked a raccoon.
--- Anon

I crept up behind it at noon;
In my hand was a massive balloon
I puffed and I blew
'Til enormous it grew;
Then I burst it and shocked a raccoon.
--- Anon

I went for a ramble with June
Who said, "Lover, I need to pee soon."
She lifted her skirt
And her ultimate spurt
Nearly drowned us and shocked a raccoon.
--- Anon

In a hotel room that I had once booked,
I asked of the Frenchman I'd hooked,
"Do you smoke after sex?"
He said, donning his specs,
"I'm not sure, I have never looked."
--- Kitten

"Do you smoke after sex?" goes the joke,
Reply, "If it is a great poke!"
But most do perspire
And quickly tire,
Except for the Viagra folk.
--- Chris Papa

Old Doctor Chris great liberty took,
When he raised the "smoke after sex?" book.
The ultimate line,
For those who would shine:
"I really don't know. I don't look!"
--- Chris Papa

Sally May nearly got me in Dutch
From her habit of smoking too much,
Till I lessened my stroke,
To cut down on the smoke,
While still keeping her warm to the touch.
--- John Miller

To her daughter, a lady named Bursa
Said, "Risks with young men are now worser.
When a boy friend you meet,
Don't get in the back seat--
Don't let boys snatch a kiss and vice versa."
--- Phil Cannibal P9602a

Mrs Malaprop cool and serene,
Gave a dinner, invited fourteen.
Then with twinkling eye
She said, (I hope to die)
"You may start, Boggs, with the soup latrine."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9711

Sixty-nine: you have waited to hear it,
But the censors, they say, cannot clear it.
So I'll work on a fix
Using seventy-six,
A number, they say, with more Spirit.
--- John Miller 0069

A traveling salesman named Cox,
Got engaged at one of his stops,
To a widow named Kidd,
Who then flipped her lid,
When she saw there were three little cocks.
--- Anon

Ok, I'm just pulling your chain;
Knew what you meant, just the same.
Just rocking your boat;
Did I get your goat?
Maybe my joke was too lame.
--- Anon

This is file otm

Though now my mind's a bit foggy,
When I was knee-high to a froggy,
It was so dry,
This is no lie,
That the trees followed the doggie.
--- Anon

A graduate student named Darryl
Was humping his friend in a carrel;
Moaned the latter in heat,
"Man, you sure win the meet,
But Tuesday's your turn in the barrel" --
--- Armand E Singer intro Ba

To this bashful young maid from Virginia,
His machismo displayed its insignia,
And he said, "Be a sport;
Though it's Virgin for short,
Sure it won't be for long, once I'm inia!"
--- Hugh Oliver A118A

I hate those virtual pets;
Act like mommy, daddy, and vets?
Those things really suck;
Can't make 'em fuck!
Oh, how annoying it gets!
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Why do women have legs? Well alas,
The reason is mundane and crass.
When you're misbehaving,
'Sted of ranting and raving,
She can kick you right in the ass!
--- Anon

Kasimoto had won the election,
But his speech had a slight imperfection.
His English was poor,
And I must underscore
That he called the event an erection.
--- Al Willis T9707

At sunup the early worm stirred,
Since a romp in the dew he preferred.
On arising so early,
He was razzed by friends surly,
Thus the early worm getteth the bird.
--- Al Chaplin P9608

Don't bother with panties, dear Sue,
The orifice party is due;
I hear that the guys
Have picked you as the prize
And you'd better be ready to screw.
--- Peter Wilkins

But honey, I wear pants to the ball.
So later, that's after my fall,
I can check that the wood
Was really that good,
By throwing them up at the wall.
--- Archie

These are officially rated triple X;
Intended to be offensive to either sex.
And maybe some I've seen
Who seem to be in-between;
Apologies to them what objects.
--- Marlene Lewis

All the guests at the animal fair
Had to dress up before they went there.
My friend Billy Brian
Dressed up like a lion,
But I went in the nude, as a bear.

(Lederer & Ertner?)
--- Anon

A Wisconsin coed with gall
Attended a fancy dress ball.
Some say that she wore
Less behind than before;
While others said, "Nothing at all!"
--- Larry Wilde

Where am I? What happened last night?
I recall with a certain delight
That she sat in my car
And unfastened her bra-
Strap, then BOING! I was out like a light.
--- Anon

I hoped I could ring in the year
With a bang but my partner I fear
Was humungously large
With a chest like a barge
And ... hey wait; I remember it clear.
--- Anon

That party; the girls half undressed
And the wager us guys had in jest;
But I fear that I lost
When the pennies were tossed;
Got the booby prize! Damn, I'm depressed.
--- Anon

Old Bert was employed by Louise
As the Master of Ceremonies
At her coming-out bash,
For he had the panache
Despite dodgy arthritic old knees.
--- Peter Wilkins

Now ladies and gentlemen pray
Be upstanding for...(Who did you say?)
Lady Marigold Dumbly
(Beg pardon? Oh.) Cholmondley
And General Sir Fortescue-Grey.
--- Peter Wilkins

It's Mr and Mrs Ah Ling
And their daughter, the lovely Mai Ding.
(Are you sure?) "We don't know;
He's decided to grow
Little titties and cut off his thing."
--- Peter Wilkins

Pray silence for President...Hush!
I said SILENCE for...(No need to rush
Sir: now give me that gun,
Else they'll panic and run,
And my knees'll give way in the crush.
--- Peter Wilkins

The orchestra! Give them a hand!
(Over there, sir. I hope he can stand;
He looks awfully grey
Does Yehudi today,
But I'm told he's the best in the land.)
--- Peter Wilkins

Now ladies and gentlemen -- Quiet!
Here's Lady Amelia Hyatt
With husband Sir Bob.
(Whisper -- 20 inch knob?
Well be careful you don't start a riot.)
--- Peter Wilkins

Pray silence for cuntess O'Tite.
"You mean Countess, you snivelling shite."
(Dearie me!) "Are you pissed?"
(No, but look at this list...
It says cunt, less I'm losing my sight.)
--- Peter Wilkins

My lords, ladies, gentlemen, please,
Will you welcome the lovely Louise.
"I've just been to piss,
You great lummox! Take this!
And take that and..." (Oh Jesus, my knees!)
--- Peter Wilkins

A welcome for Brigadier Tool
And his daughter Alikis. "Fool;
I should shoot you on sight:
It's Alicia, right?"
(Well you don't have to shout; Keep your cool.)
--- Peter Wilkins

Now ladies and gents..., (Bloody Hell:
What the fuck are you wearing, Michelle?
Didn't I tell you, you oughta
Dress smartly, dear daughter.
Not tartly, like Eskimo Nell?)
--- Peter Wilkins

Pray silence (good heavens!) for Brenda!
The Queen of all England. Defender
"Not here, stupid warlock."
(So sorry; didn't mean to offend her.)
--- Peter Wilkins

My lords, ladies, gentlemen; stand
To attention and strike up the band
For the National...(What?
You don't know it? You twat!
Get Yehudi to give you a hand.
--- Peter Wilkins

A toast of champagne, if you please,
To her Maj and the lovely Louise
At her coming out ball.
Now go stand by that wall
For a photograph; smile and say cheese!
--- Peter Wilkins

Your majesty, ladies and
Lords and gentlemen; dinner e're long.
Hurry up and please
...(What's that, dear Louise?)
"Oh for fuck's sake, stop banging that gong!"
--- Peter Wilkins

The reason for banging this gong
Is dinner is served, you great nong.
So now stop your perving,
And have a good serving --
(For God's sake don't play with your dong!)
--- Anon

Idea from the mayor, Harry Blunkett:
An emergency services junket.
Invite all the crews
And ply them with booze...
But what happened when they had drunk it?
--- Tiddy Ogg

The fight's on the paper's front page:
The firemen, smoldering with rage;
The ambulance guys
All hospitalised;
The cops have been locked in the cage.
--- Tiddy Ogg

When asked to a fancy dress ball,
An odd bod who lived in Glenstal,
Dressed up as a tree.
Now all dogs agree,
He'd never have pleased as a wall.
--- 500 Irish Jokes & Lims

At fancy dress party: Sue Crouch,
In a kangaroo costume on couch.
Said I, rather boozy,
"How 'bout it then, Susie?
My joey'd fit fine in your pouch."
--- Tiddy Ogg