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Said a lovely young fluff, "I've a muff, There once was a fellow called Willy, A little old man from Khartoum When my girl friend is dressed in her bonnet, An excaped insane inmate from Holts Though they wanted four children, Louise, A little man named Wilberforce He's been known to practice great guile, He applied for it; no hesitation. A chap who enjoyed hearing lies, When I was just a lad of three, Requested a lecher named Biddle, A low-minded woman named Buffy Since roses have thorns that can nick, Sal Amander's a very nice fella. There was once an old bawd from Cape Cod, Mrs Malaprop, always placating, Disposable condoms? Not me! I gnawed on a corncob in moon- In the light of the silvery moon For years now old Timothy Loon I lay with my lover Miss June I crept up behind it at noon; I went for a ramble with June In a hotel room that I had once booked, "Do you smoke after sex?" goes the joke, Old Doctor Chris great liberty took, Sally May nearly got me in Dutch To her daughter, a lady named Bursa Mrs Malaprop cool and serene, Sixty-nine: you have waited to hear it, A traveling salesman named Cox, Ok, I'm just pulling your chain; Though now my mind's a bit foggy, A graduate student named Darryl To this bashful young maid from Virginia, I hate those virtual pets; Why do women have legs? Well alas, Kasimoto had won the election, At sunup the early worm stirred, Don't bother with panties, dear Sue, But honey, I wear pants to the ball. These are officially rated triple X; All the guests at the animal fair (Lederer & Ertner?)
A Wisconsin coed with gall Where am I? What happened last night? I hoped I could ring in the year That party; the girls half undressed Old Bert was employed by Louise Now ladies and gentlemen pray It's Mr and Mrs Ah Ling Pray silence for President...Hush! The orchestra! Give them a hand! Now ladies and gentlemen -- Quiet! Pray silence for cuntess O'Tite. My lords, ladies, gentlemen, please, A welcome for Brigadier Tool Now ladies and gents..., (Bloody Hell: Pray silence (good heavens!) for Brenda! My lords, ladies, gentlemen; stand A toast of champagne, if you please, Your majesty, ladies and The reason for banging this gong Idea from the mayor, Harry Blunkett: The fight's on the paper's front page: When asked to a fancy dress ball, At fancy dress party: Sue Crouch,
That can hold your whole hand to the cuff.
And it hangs round my neck.
What did you expect?
You don't have to leave in a huff."
--- Pierce Evans
Who said, "It's ever so silly.
I feel such a prat,
Being named after that;
My name really should have been Dick."
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Was miserably sunken in gloom.
Could not hold a dance --
Small house and small pants --
Alas, poor man had no ballroom.
--- Anon
She is striking and sweet as a sonnet.
And a thing she's concealing
Which arouses my feeling,
But my finger I cannot put on it.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0051
Mistreated charladies named Colts.
The next morning's headline
Met the short deadline,
Saying, "Nut, Screws Washers and Bolts!"
--- John Cahill A
Told her husband, "Let's quit at three, please.
'Cause I heard someone say
On the TV today,
'One in every four born is Chinese'!"
--- Observer
Rode up to the porch on his horse.
He said, "I'm the best
Screw-er in the West,"
Then pulled out his Phillips, of course.
--- Anon
Though we've not heard from him in a while.
So nosy Parkers
And other Farquhars,
Probably think him still in Argyle.
--- Daniel Ford
He thought he had found his vocation.
He read the ad fast;
His ideal at last;
He thought it said "pubic relation."
--- Al Willis T9707
Dated women at least twice his size.
"When we are out neckin',
It's sexy, I reckon,
When she pulls the wool over my eyes."
--- Tom Simon
I ask my mother what would I be.
Will I be handsome?
Will I be rich?
She fucking lied to me.
--- Bob
"My friends, let me ask you a riddle:
Who is thatched on the top,
Half as old as her pop,
And sports a big hole in her middle?"
--- Armand E Singer 980
Loves asking this riddle, no toughie:
What starts soft, becomes hard
As a pottery shard,
But ends up all flaccid and puffy?
--- Armand E Singer 975
Young ladies sometimes get a prick.
Despite this, to marry,
They have to thank Harry
And Tom (for the roses) and Dick.
--- Irving Superior P9803
His parents are Johnny and Stella.
Years ago, Dad proposed,
And the bedroom door closed.
And now he is called Sal Monella.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Who, when tourists would ask, "Have you scrod?",
Would reply, "Goddamn right!
Up to ten every night!"
There's a gutsy, pluperfect old broad.
--- Keith MacMillan A061B
For this sometimes was deemed, "Fascinating."
Asked to comment, she blushed.
Her sweet face became flushed.
She confessed, "Yes, I'm self defecating."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9711
In the Navy they're issued for free!
An Army draft board
Sent my brother abroad.
I wish they would send one to me!
--- Moony TP9802
light (I had neither knife, fork or spoon).
My teeth glistened white;
Such a frightening sight;
Quite enough to have shocked a raccoon.
--- Anon
Under starlight one summer in June
On a riverside bank
Annie gave me a wank
But it sure as hell shocked a raccoon.
--- Anon
Had worn panties of green and maroon.
They rotted away
On a fine summer day
And the goo in them shocked a raccoon.
--- Anon
In the heat of the day around noon.
She couldn't keep her hand
Off my burgeoning gland
And I jizmed and shocked a raccoon.
--- Anon
In my hand was a massive balloon
I puffed and I blew
'Til enormous it grew;
Then I burst it and shocked a raccoon.
--- Anon
Who said, "Lover, I need to pee soon."
She lifted her skirt
And her ultimate spurt
Nearly drowned us and shocked a raccoon.
--- Anon
I asked of the Frenchman I'd hooked,
"Do you smoke after sex?"
He said, donning his specs,
"I'm not sure, I have never looked."
--- Kitten
Reply, "If it is a great poke!"
But most do perspire
And quickly tire,
Except for the Viagra folk.
--- Chris Papa
When he raised the "smoke after sex?" book.
The ultimate line,
For those who would shine:
"I really don't know. I don't look!"
--- Chris Papa
From her habit of smoking too much,
Till I lessened my stroke,
To cut down on the smoke,
While still keeping her warm to the touch.
--- John Miller
Said, "Risks with young men are now worser.
When a boy friend you meet,
Don't get in the back seat--
Don't let boys snatch a kiss and vice versa."
--- Phil Cannibal P9602a
Gave a dinner, invited fourteen.
Then with twinkling eye
She said, (I hope to die)
"You may start, Boggs, with the soup latrine."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9711
But the censors, they say, cannot clear it.
So I'll work on a fix
Using seventy-six,
A number, they say, with more Spirit.
--- John Miller 0069
Got engaged at one of his stops,
To a widow named Kidd,
Who then flipped her lid,
When she saw there were three little cocks.
--- Anon
Knew what you meant, just the same.
Just rocking your boat;
Did I get your goat?
Maybe my joke was too lame.
--- Anon
This is file otm
When I was knee-high to a froggy,
It was so dry,
This is no lie,
That the trees followed the doggie.
--- Anon
Was humping his friend in a carrel;
Moaned the latter in heat,
"Man, you sure win the meet,
But Tuesday's your turn in the barrel" --
--- Armand E Singer intro Ba
His machismo displayed its insignia,
And he said, "Be a sport;
Though it's Virgin for short,
Sure it won't be for long, once I'm inia!"
--- Hugh Oliver A118A
Act like mommy, daddy, and vets?
Those things really suck;
Can't make 'em fuck!
Oh, how annoying it gets!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
The reason is mundane and crass.
When you're misbehaving,
'Sted of ranting and raving,
She can kick you right in the ass!
--- Anon
But his speech had a slight imperfection.
His English was poor,
And I must underscore
That he called the event an erection.
--- Al Willis T9707
Since a romp in the dew he preferred.
On arising so early,
He was razzed by friends surly,
Thus the early worm getteth the bird.
--- Al Chaplin P9608
The orifice party is due;
I hear that the guys
Have picked you as the prize
And you'd better be ready to screw.
--- Peter Wilkins
So later, that's after my fall,
I can check that the wood
Was really that good,
By throwing them up at the wall.
--- Archie
Intended to be offensive to either sex.
And maybe some I've seen
Who seem to be in-between;
Apologies to them what objects.
--- Marlene Lewis
Had to dress up before they went there.
My friend Billy Brian
Dressed up like a lion,
But I went in the nude, as a bear.
--- Anon
Attended a fancy dress ball.
Some say that she wore
Less behind than before;
While others said, "Nothing at all!"
--- Larry Wilde
I recall with a certain delight
That she sat in my car
And unfastened her bra-
Strap, then BOING! I was out like a light.
--- Anon
With a bang but my partner I fear
Was humungously large
With a chest like a barge
And ... hey wait; I remember it clear.
--- Anon
And the wager us guys had in jest;
But I fear that I lost
When the pennies were tossed;
Got the booby prize! Damn, I'm depressed.
--- Anon
As the Master of Ceremonies
At her coming-out bash,
For he had the panache
Despite dodgy arthritic old knees.
--- Peter Wilkins
Be upstanding for...(Who did you say?)
Lady Marigold Dumbly
(Beg pardon? Oh.) Cholmondley
And General Sir Fortescue-Grey.
--- Peter Wilkins
And their daughter, the lovely Mai Ding.
(Are you sure?) "We don't know;
He's decided to grow
Little titties and cut off his thing."
--- Peter Wilkins
I said SILENCE for...(No need to rush
Sir: now give me that gun,
Else they'll panic and run,
And my knees'll give way in the crush.
--- Peter Wilkins
(Over there, sir. I hope he can stand;
He looks awfully grey
Does Yehudi today,
But I'm told he's the best in the land.)
--- Peter Wilkins
Here's Lady Amelia Hyatt
With husband Sir Bob.
(Whisper -- 20 inch knob?
Well be careful you don't start a riot.)
--- Peter Wilkins
"You mean Countess, you snivelling shite."
(Dearie me!) "Are you pissed?"
(No, but look at this list...
It says cunt, less I'm losing my sight.)
--- Peter Wilkins
Will you welcome the lovely Louise.
"I've just been to piss,
You great lummox! Take this!
And take that and..." (Oh Jesus, my knees!)
--- Peter Wilkins
And his daughter Alikis. "Fool;
I should shoot you on sight:
It's Alicia, right?"
(Well you don't have to shout; Keep your cool.)
--- Peter Wilkins
What the fuck are you wearing, Michelle?
Didn't I tell you, you oughta
Dress smartly, dear daughter.
Not tartly, like Eskimo Nell?)
--- Peter Wilkins
The Queen of all England. Defender
Of...
"Not here, stupid warlock."
(So sorry; didn't mean to offend her.)
--- Peter Wilkins
To attention and strike up the band
For the National...(What?
You don't know it? You twat!
Get Yehudi to give you a hand.
--- Peter Wilkins
To her Maj and the lovely Louise
At her coming out ball.
Now go stand by that wall
For a photograph; smile and say cheese!
--- Peter Wilkins
Lords and gentlemen; dinner e're long.
Hurry up
"Oh for fuck's sake, stop banging that gong!"
--- Peter Wilkins
Is dinner is served, you great nong.
So now stop your perving,
And have a good serving --
(For God's sake don't play with your dong!)
--- Anon
An emergency services junket.
Invite all the crews
And ply them with booze...
But what happened when they had drunk it?
--- Tiddy Ogg
The firemen, smoldering with rage;
The ambulance guys
All hospitalised;
The cops have been locked in the cage.
--- Tiddy Ogg
An odd bod who lived in Glenstal,
Dressed up as a tree.
Now all dogs agree,
He'd never have pleased as a wall.
--- 500 Irish Jokes & Lims
In a kangaroo costume on couch.
Said I, rather boozy,
"How 'bout it then, Susie?
My joey'd fit fine in your pouch."
--- Tiddy Ogg
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