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A cop with a bullet-proof vest
Shouted, "Pervert! You're under arrest
For the mayhem you've caused."
Then he looked at him; paused;
And said, "Chuck! You're a damn awful pest."
--- Tiddy Ogg

"But surely young Chuck's unemployable."
"Yes; but he's thick and annoyable;
Quite a good laugh
For the rest of your staff,
Who would probably find him enjoyable."
--- Tiddy Ogg

"I'm sure you could give him a go;
But be warned, he's a little bit slow."
"Can he write?" "If you label
The pen PEN he's able
To sign with an X and an O."
--- Tiddy Ogg

"OK then, so wheel him right in."
"Hello Chuck." Chuck replied with a grin,
"Hello boss." "How'd you know?"
With his face all aglow
Chuck said, "Look it says BOSS on your chin."
--- Tiddy Ogg

"That's smart. Here's a pen." "Yes I know;
It says PEN." "Can you write me an O?"
Now this seemed to perplex
Him but Chuck drew an X
And he beat him at tic tack and toe.
--- Tiddy Ogg

"My god; you're a genius boy!"
Said the boss, "So I think I'll employ
You. Those bulls in that box-
Car there ... label them OX."
And young Chuck said "Why, yessir!" with joy.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Now Chuck is a tiny bit quaint
But a moron he certainly ain't.
When he noticed the ceiling
And walls were all peeling,
While lying in bed he thought, "Paint."
--- Tiddy Ogg

He went to the DIY store
(It had 50-odd aisles maybe more)
And he said to himself
As he passed every shelf,
"Have I been down this aisle once before."
--- Tiddy Ogg

He trudged with a vacuous smile
Back and forward for many a mile,
'Til he noticed a P
And an A I N T
Overhead in the very first aisle.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Stacked high from the floor to the ceiling
The paint-can he found most appealing,
A brilliant white
He removed and (you're right)
Sent the whole bloody stack of them reeling.
--- Tiddy Ogg

They all came a-tumbling down
To the floor in a mixture of brown,
Yellow, purple and red;
Knocking Chuck on the head,
Which he rubbed with a quizzical frown.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Then staggering blindly about
Chuck went seeking the door labelled OUT.
But he saw only three
Labelled E X I T
(He'll be there overnight without doubt.)
--- Tiddy Ogg

Now Chuck has the brains of a frog
But I read him that lim from our Ogg;
And he's off to Calais
For a night and a day,
Though the weatherman's forecasting fog.
--- Tiddy Ogg

He hopes that he doesn't get stuck
In mid-Channel, but knowing his luck,
He will probably freeze
In the roughest of seas,
And miss out on that ooh-la-la fuck.
--- Tiddy Ogg

But no! He's just given a call
From a phone and he's having a ball.
He's been queuing an hour
In a thundery shower
Near the Hotel du Lac in the mall.
--- Tiddy Ogg

That cutie dressed only in black
Has been promising more than a jack.
She will take him to bed
Before long (so he said),
And she'll label it "ICI LA CRAQUE".
--- Tiddy Ogg

So wish the poor bugger good luck.
He deserves it; he's plenty of pluck.
(Ding-a-ling) Just a sec ...
("Oui, oui. Merci.) By heck
It's that lightning; it's gone and struck Chuck.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Now written especially for Chuck,
On her nipples young Anna has SUCK.
For young Chuck is as thick
As two planks or a brick;
Yes, you've guessed it; her pussy reads FUCK.
--- Peter Wilkins

It's not that she minds if his prong
Or his tongue on occasions go wrong,
But she's full of despair
'Cause he's SO unaware,
That she's now had to label his DONG.
--- Peter Wilkins

Poor Chuck had a dinner-time scare;
"My intestines! All over the chair!
I looked and I laughed
And said, "Don't be daft;
You just dropped your spaghetti down there.
--- Peter Wilkins

Poor Chuck had a headache today,
But cured it with little delay;
By banging his balls
On the lavatory walls,
He soon found it faded away.
--- Peter Wilkins

Poor Chuck had a terrible fright
As he got out of bed at first light.
"It was ghastly", he said,
"For I crawled out of bed
And my eyes met a horrible sight!"
--- Peter Wilkins

He calmed himself down in a while
As I tried very hard not to smile;
Then I asked him, "So tell
Me." He said, "Very well,
But, heavens above, it was vile."
--- Peter Wilkins

"So ugly I started to quake;
In a nightgown it looked like a sheikh,
With a towel on its head.
It had eyes colored red,
And its limbs were a thin as a rake.
--- Peter Wilkins

"It started to mutter amd moan,
Then it let out a gut-wrenching groan.
It frightened me so,
That I can't bear to go
Back to bed, on my own all alone.
--- Peter Wilkins

"Well Chuck," I replied with a grin,
"You've been overindulging in gin;
And that wasn't a ghoul
But a mirror, you fool,
And your ghastly reflection within."
--- Peter Wilkins

Dear Chuck has been knitting a scarf
On and off for a year and a half.
He's simple of mind,
So I won't be unkind
And say "Shit -- that would fit a giraffe."
--- Peter Wilkins

Dear Chuck (you remember him, yes?)
Had decided to smarten his dress.
"I'm determined," he said,
"To look smarter; instead
Of just looking a terrible mess."
--- Peter Wilkins

"Good heavens!" I said, "Is that wise?"
"Yes of course," he replied, "Other guys
Who look smarter than I
Get the girlies, that's why.
And I guess I can learn to knot ties."
--- Peter Wilkins

Knot ties? The mind boggles, I fear;
For it took him well over a year
And a half to tie shoe
Laces; aged twenty-two;
But I curbed the temptation to jeer.
--- Peter Wilkins

"Okay then, dear Chuck, off you go;
There's a Saville Row tailor I know
Who makes whistles and flutes
Made to measure and boots,
Shirts and ties in mere seconds or so."
--- Peter Wilkins

A half an hour later, distressed,
Chuck returned in his jeans and his vest.
"Didn't you like the design?"
I said. "Yes, it was fine
'Til he asked me," said Chuck, "how I dressed."
--- Peter Wilkins

"I really tried hard to explain,
But he stopped me and made it quite plain,
With his measuring tape
Up my trousers, that rape
Or some similar act was his aim."
--- Peter Wilkins

This is file ntl

There was a dumb jerk name of Pound,
Whose boss did a study and found
When he checked mental flow,
That the man didn't know
His ass from a hole in the ground.
--- Armand Singer

Sean had once gotten so high,
He thought that he would just die.
Instead he looked dumb
As he played with my bum,
And said "Damn your pussy is DRY!"
--- Anon

Two astronauats, not very bright,
Said they'd fly to the sun on a kite.
"But you'll melt!" their friends cried.
They just smiled and replied,
"Not at all. We'll be going at night!"
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

A stupid young boyo of Nace,
had a most vacant look on his face.
So his friends for a bet,
Put a notice: "To Let,"
Now an ad for girls' socks fills the place.
--- 500 Irish Jokes & Lims

There was a young man from the West,
Who was seldom, if ever, impressed.
He would watch with a yawn
The millenium dawn,
And be bored by the bliss of the blest.
--- Thomas Thorneley (Bibby)

I know this chap name of Justin,
Whose head is so big it is busin'.
The ladies love him
Although he is dim,
And his brain could use a good dustin'.
--- Pam

A man, thinking he has charizz,
Like a donkey who thinks he's a whiz;
If he don't get his way,
He continues to bray
Like the silly old ass that he is.
--- Ray Gessler

There was a young man from Ontario,
Whose knee-jerk reaction was zerio.
(With keyboard in reach,
Not a son of the beach)
He just could not grasp the scenario.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

There was a young girl called Mirella,
Who spent her spare time chasing a fellah.
She had caught and lost two;
She needs more than a few.
I don't care if he's no brain or speller.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

My physician advised a mnemonic
To help memory lapses now chronic.
But when I recommend
The same aid to a friend,
I can't think of the name of that tonic!
--- J Maynard Kaplan

There once was a half-wit named Grice,
Who thought that a psychic was nice,
'Cause she was inclined,
In view of his mind,
To give him a reading, half price.
--- Observer

There is a half-wit named Dwight White,
Who forthrightly thinks he is quite bright.
And his half-brother, Britt,
Thinking himself a wit,
Has discovered that he is half right.
--- Observer

There was a young man from South Hero
Whose I.Q. was just above zero;
When out on a date
He was Alex the Great,
But when he was home he was Nero.
--- Lims Unlimited

This one man, who couldn't be dimmer,
One day had the tiniest glimmer,
Of what life would be like,
Had his dad rode a bike,
Instead of his mom's ample quimmer.
--- Big Little Playoy Lims

Poor Jim now appears unrefined,
With head hid within his behind.
So what you've been losing
By taking this bruising?
'Tis plain, you are losing your mind.
--- Ward Hardman

Revolting and horrid lounge lizards
Deserve a hard punch in their gizzards.
They're slimy and gross
And so not a loss
Should knives be applied to their pizzards.
--- Archie

Poor old schizoid Jim Smith thinks he's God,
But his brain waves are flat. He's a sod.
IQ rank: mental elf.
He disputes with himself,
But he loses each time, which is odd.
--- Ward Hardman

He claims that he knows martial arts,
Though we think he really means farts.
That comes from his spelling
and his constant YELLING.
Incredible, how much he lacks smarts.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

There was an old loony of Lyme,
Whose candour was simply sublime;
When they asked, "Are you there?"
"Yes," he said, "but take care,
For I'm never 'all there' at a time."
--- Nicholas Baxter P0606

My windows are both very small,
But I wish they were out in the hall;
For it's only at night
That I think I am bright,
And in daylight I don't think at all.
--- Lims Unlimited

There was a young man of York Plains,
Who'd never come in when it rains.
He seems to forget
That rain makes you wet;
He never was noted for brains.
--- John Blyth

There was an eccentric old draper,
Who wore a hat made of paper;
It went to a point,
Yet it looked out of joint,
The cause of which he said was "vapour."
--- Archie

This man thing is making me chuckle!
I know 'bout that brain near the buckle!
It can rule the head
Until one is dead!
Sometimes it's in need of a knuckle!
--- Anon

The office that's run with limpidity
Is due to the boss's timidity.
He remains thus secure
And a threat does abjure
By surrounding himself with stupidity.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2671

It is said we men think with our sac,
But sometimes our minds migrate back.
It is such a short cry
From nuts to null-eye,
It is easy to think with our crack.
--- H Welchel

All men are possessed by a demon
Which causes their nocturnal dreamin'.
They should think with their brain
But again and again,
They just think with the thing that spurts semen.
--- Tom Patton P0609

There's a man who is known to be stupid;
He thinks he's a modern day cupid.
Holding his bow and arrow,
He stands on the plinth narrow;
There is only room for one shoe, kid.
--- Arthur Pattaffy Q

There was a young fool name of Raines;
To get laid, he'd go to great pains.
Never a genius,
He thought with his penis,
But his prick was as dumb as his brains.
--- Anon

A fuckwit, a moron, a berk
With a stupid and asinine smirk,
Throwing tantrums, the fool,
Like he used to at school;
What a childish and petulant jerk.
--- Anon

There is an old man from West Beales
Who's a victim of silly ideals.
He used to mend shoes,
Till he heard on the news
Of the shortage of fresh sole and eels.
--- Anon

The bottle cap said 'twist to open';
The guy in the ad kept on hopin'.
If he wriggled about,
The beer would come out,
For his brain he is constantly gropin'.
--- Marty

To her boudoir came agile young Ellis
Through the window by way of the trellis.
He found it a bore;
Some went in at the door,
And those who did that made him jealous.
--- Isaac Asimov

Said sexy young Trexie from Texas
"It's odd the way various men sexes...
While some guys don't do much,
And others do too much,
It's the dopes who do none that perplexes.
--- Grand Prix Lim 435

The subject of two doctors' theses
Was the filthiest man of our species.
From tarsus to bregma,
He was covered in smegma,
With a smattering matting of feces.
--- Jerry Nordal P0409

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