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John and Joe now compete to see who'll There was a poor far-sighted snake, (Ranger Rick magazine)
A nudist who lives by the lake Said the old herpetologist, Smith, A snake that I met told this guy, "Sir A chelonia moves kind of slow. There once was a turtle named Myrtle, Philanthropic and kind is the tortoise, The turtle is almost infractible; The terrapin made for the road; If there's one thing that Nature has taught us, There once was a tortoise named Joe The young turtle climbed up a tree, "Oh, please can't you get him to stop, Ted," An awful old pun I'll retell: On the turtle, depression befell. I went to the clinic today; If you're after a rodent of beauty, A curious mammal's the beaver; There was an odd beaver from Corning (Ranger Rick magazine)
A curious mammal's the beaver; A curious mammal's the beaver; Once a lumberjack, on a logjam, Those beavers I know really well, A curious mammal's the beaver; The city guy couldn't believe her I got bit by a squirrel last night; A bear bit off more'n he could chew Just consider the capybara, When they catch a chinchilla in Chile, In the woods, if you're walking, quim bare; Young Pauline's peculiar vice Why have you not said this before? Those little round balls are so fun; There once was a fat mouse named Fred, When Sam was out hunting one day, Sam fired and then let out a cry, While young Rocky was tender and sweet, So Sam had to figure some use Now that couple is singing a chorus; It's easy to live with the gerbil. A potty-trained gerbil's a rave, Gophers look cutsie and charming Pennsylvania's cursing him still, The big irrigator went wham! The lemmings get set for their race; It seem that the myth of the lemming (a guy threw them off the cliff)
In Texas I went hunting bear. Two procupines making a third, The porcupines quiver of quills A young fretful brown porcupine Pete, a gourmet porcupine, The prairie dog pops from his burrow There once was an old man name of Kyle. A squirrel, who I'll call Number One, A hamster's a fat kind of mouse; A little boy had a sick gerbil I once had a smart-alec gerbil All the squirrels 'round here are gymnastic, A deer hunter near Napanee A squirrel complained, "You think we're cute, There once was a squirrel named Rose A second squirrel then did appear; I have always thought that the voles A prognosticator, Trelawney, The mousetrap invented by Krause
Be considered the less inept fool.
They contest and they kibitz
Using only their wits,
Which is something like snakes playing pool.
--- Anon
Whose glasses just happened to break.
That nearly blind fella
Wolfed down an umbrella,
Which opened one day by mistake!
--- Ray Driver P9108
Was bitten on the dick by a snake.
A doctor named Marge
Said, "It swelled up so large,
It was all that my poor mouth could take."
--- David Miller
In the lisp he's obliged to speak with,
"Thinth the time I wore diaperth
I've fanthied my viperth;
I love how they twitht and they hith.
--- Cyber Geezer
You know I am feeling quite hyper.
Though it may make you gasp,
You can just bet your asp,
Folks call me an old windshield viper!"
--- John Dohner P8812
She's not known for speed, as you know.
At times, she's quite fertile;
Commonly called turtle,
And her head, sometimes doesn't show.
--- Al Willis
One day couldn't fit in her girdle.
She stuffed and she squeezed,
Till she suddenly sneezed,
And now she's a girdleless turtle!
--- Marcie
For right through long ages he's thortoise
Worth putting at ease,
And in this spirit he's
Never thortoise or fortoise or cortoise.
--- David A Brooks
His shell is no further compactible,
And when trouble's about,
All the parts that stick out
And might get a clout, are retractable.
--- Lims Unlimited
With dignity, slowly he strode.
Though sluggish and base,
And at a snail's pace,
He carried a stately abode.
--- Heather McCabe
It's the virtues of being a tortoise.
They can slumber, I hear,
More than half of the year,
In the depths of their snug winter-quarters.
--- Anon
Whose progress was painfully slow.
He'd stop for a week,
Look around, take a peek,
Then unlike a shot, off he'd go.
--- Michael Palin
And launched himself off like a bee.
He fell to the ground
With a sickening sound,
Then climbed again for a reprise.
--- Tiddy Ogg a
Said a bird to her mate where they opted
To sit, "Now he's old
Enough to be told.
Oh DO tell the child he's adopted.
--- Tiddy Ogg a
A fancy-dress party; young Del
Arrived at the shack
With a girl on his back;
"I'm a turtle and this is Michelle."
--- Tiddy Ogg
To a shrink all his woes he did tell.
"You are simply too shy,"
Said the doc, "and that's why
You should really come out of your shell."
--- Kirk Miller
The tortoise is cactus, they say.
It's too late for a vet;
I'm pretty upset.
How should I know he's in a bad way?
--- Rory Eewins
The best you can get's an agouti.
It's awfully big;
Kinda faux guinea pig,
And my goodness me, it's a cutie.
--- Anon
A serious overachiever.
He'll build you a dam
Out of green eggs and ham,
And make you a true believer.
--- Anon
Who liked to cook pancakes each morning.
With a flip of his tail,
To the ceiling they'd sail,
Then they'd fall to the floor without warning!
--- Ray Driver P9108
When sniffed out by a canine retriever,
Slips under the lake,
It's its habit to make,
And splits without using a cleaver.
--- Anon
An adept and a sneaky deceiver.
It often complains
Of aches and migraines,
But other times burns with a fever!
--- Anon
Cussed the beaver who caused it, "Hell! Scram
You dumb varmit!", said he,
"You're obstructing my tree!"
Said the beaver, "I don't give a dam!"
--- Prof M-G
They dam sure do work that's so swell;
They choose a big log
To stuff in their bog,
And slap up and down and they yell!
--- Anon
Its scent gland's a perfume retriever.
Its teeth gnaw down trees
With such consummate ease,
And its tail is a dam-building lever.
--- Prof M-G
When told by the country girl, Cleaver.
After checking her spread,
She quietly said,
"I think I have more than one beaver."
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0412
Now I must say that I'm not all right.
Cravings in my gut
For some kind of nut;
Climbing trees seems like a delight.
--- Anon
Of pricks--quills--what do they do
Call them?--spines?
Off bull porcupines,
And said "Hurts me more than hurts you!"
--- Aaron Bell P9702
Who certainly wears no tiara
For good looks or grace,
And would be out of place,
Touring the French Riviera.
--- Timothy Torkildson
They cut off its beard, willy-nilly,
With a small razor blade,
Just to say that they've made
A Chilean chinchilla's chin chilly.
--- M Chandler
Do chipmunks give you a big scare?
When they climb up your legs
With nuts big as eggs,
The best spot to store them's up there!
--- Archie
Is cleaning the balls of her mice;
Not just when they're sticky
(She isn't that picky)
But merely because it feels nice.
--- Anon
I hustled right down to the store;
I bought a new mouse
To clean at my house.
I'll have to go get me six more!
--- Anon
This is file muk
I'm not satisfied with just one.
Roll them in my hands,
Sweet little mouse glands;
They're polished and clean when I'm done!
--- Anon
Whose tummy-ache kept him in bed.
Too much candy and jelly
And jam in his belly!
Fat Fred should have had cheese instead.
--- Night Lights Fights P9811
He spied an unusual prey:
A large furry rat
In an aviator's hat,
Performing an aerial display.
--- Anon
"I've shot Rocky, the squirrel who could fly.
The situation demands
A quick change of plans;
A moose must be somewhere nearby."
--- Anon
Old Bullwinkle was not fit to eat;
Even in stew,
He was so hard to chew,
You couldn't tell the hide from the meat.
--- Anon
For this tough and foul-tasting moose.
So he shipped the beast
To a couple back east,
Who would view it as kind of a truce.
--- Anon
Praise for Sam and his hunt in the forest.
"Moose and squirrel did expire;
We can finally retire.
Sincerely yours, Natasha and Boris."
--- Anon
His diet's exclusively herbal.
He just munches and crunches (It browses all day)
Long vegetable lunches, (On great bunches of hay,)
And charms every ear with his burble.(And farts with elegant
--- Anon G1224
But you still have to make him behave.
The beast liked it not
And fell into the pot;
He was plucked from a watery grave.
--- Ed
But some of their ways are alarming.
For one, they'll devour
Each leaf, stalk, and flower
Of whatever crop you are farming.
--- Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes
That ground hog with only one skill.
The shadow he viewed
Brought the bad attitude,
And this winter, we've more than our Phil.
--- Limerick Savant
His shovel collapsed on the dam.
He jumped in the ditch,
"You son-of-a-bitch!"
He cried; now the beaver is Spam.
--- Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes
With one step and two steps they pace.
They take three and four
And then head out for more,
Without checking the limiting case.
--- David Morin
And cliff-jumping suicide's stemming
From media schmucks
All after quick bucks;
A practice that needs much condemning.
--- Tiddy Ogg
I saw one and got quite a scare.
"Don't shoot if you please,"
He begged on his knees,
"I'm a Texas-bred chipmunk, I swear!"
--- Shelby Forrest
Is a sight both obscene and absurd.
Add the shrieks from each prick,
(Of their quills, not his dick)
And 'tis wondrous the creature's endured.
--- Rowdy Jack
Can cause some connubial ills.
Their sex can't get crazy
Or careless or lazy;
Their fucking has very few frills.
--- Phred
Had drunk a cup of old wine;
And when he was out
He then tossed about
And stuck a quill in his behind.
--- Lims Unlimited
Bastes beef cubes with vintage port wine.
When he cooks on the grill
He pulls out a quill;
As a skewer it works mighty fine.
--- Nancy Henry-Kline P9305
And sights a convenient furrow;
It's green and it's sprouting.
So he plans an outing --
At chewing it up, he'll be thorough.
--- Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes
Collected rodent parts for a while.
He said with affection,
"You'll love my collection,
Which I keep in a rat tail file."
--- Tom Patton P0409
To himself said, "I'll have me some fun.
Now there's plenty of seed,
I'll take all that I need,
And I'll scare all the birds as I run."
--- Terry Greenwall P0212
Kids love it to run 'round the house.
But it's like its cousin,
It's six to the dozen;
'Twill frighten the shit out your spouse.
--- Tony Burrell
Which came over suddenly verbal.
It said, "Don't you fret;
Just you go to the vet,
And fetch me some medicine, herbal."
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Who did nothing but bumble and burble.
His one saving grace
Was to sit on my face,
And impersonate Ivan the Terbil.
--- Bill Wall
With a sharpness of tooth that's fantastic.
We hid our bird seed
Where no squirrel could feed,
And they chewed through a wall of hard plastic.
--- Prof M-G T9711
Went around camouflaged as a tree,
When a squirrel with guts
Having chewed off his nuts,
Stored them deep up his posterity.
--- Hugh Oliver 56a
And then you say we're not astute,
Just because in December,
We just can't remember
Where we hid our summertime loot."
--- Evelyn Bogen P9805
Who shoved a nut up her nose.
She blew and she blew
Till out the nut flew.
She learned her lesson, I suppose.
--- Anon
Climbed up the bird pole without fear.
All the birds he now chased,
But he soon left in haste,
With the help of a kick in the rear.
--- Terry Greenwalt P0302
Are related somehow to the moles,
But I find, like a mouse
Lives in fields, not the house,
But mice, voles, and moles live in holes.
--- William K Alsop Jr
Got forecasting tips from the Pawnee.
When spring came to view,
He took as his clue
A groundhog outside Punxatawney.
--- Anon
Caught all of the mice in the house --
An ingenious device
That threatened all mice,
Till biologists bred a new mouse.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2649
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