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There was an old hag of Malacca, A tiger who brandished a nipper Just as Mowgli his supper began, A belly's a small price to pay, The tyger burns ever so bright Said Tiger to Zebra, "Oh cripes! A tiger, by taste anthropophagous, (paripatetic - wandering, anthropophagous - man-eating)
While hunting white Tiger, Lord Frumps To the new movie show at the malls A panther much blacker than ink If ever you're chased by a cheetah Said a lady gazelle to the cheetah, I once knew a lady called Schatz, We don't sing here about the car, "Ever since I first started to date her, "Ever since I first started to instruct her, "Ever since I first came across her, "Ever since I first started to laud her, A short-sighted warden named Ted You must look so very hard Apologia penned by a leopard Spotty, a stealthy young leopard, A leopard, while counting his spots, A leopard let out a sad cry: Consider, dear lady, the leopard. He The leopard, my guidebook assures, There was an old man with a pipe An african hunter named Wise Consider the ferocious lynx, They say of the lynx that he slinks. Even though he does cost a lot, There once was a finicky ocelot On TV there's the ocelot. With his last dying breath cried the ocelot, Once a pound-keeper chanced to impound There was a young man from Yuma, A Boston boy went out to Yuma, Said a tourist, when faced with a puma, There was a young man from the city, Drawing my second-hand Luger, My cat Basingstoke, I admire So now hang on tight to your seat Now Basingstoke was never wary Because he dropped, into the fire Who could have guessed he'd beat out his chest He'd guts, and he sang while in pain And there is an uglier rumour His sad tale, it is truly tragic Our Basingstoke was such a charmer He was happy and handsome and hairy A curious cat likes to climb. To avoid any misapprehension Your judgment is heading downhill. Just ignore them when you're busy stalking. In the morning the east window's best. In Australia my home, cats are bad. Ferals would never be here The ecology screwed up en-masse? Old Chelsea the cat has a pooter Her natural enemy? Aye. Our Kitty has only one flaw, You've angered this haughty old hag; I just heard a terrible splat; Said Ericka's neighbor, "That splat, There was a young lady from Eiger, (published 1873 or before)
Is this to say that the tiger,
Who smoked such atrocious tobacca,
When tigers came near,
They trembled in fear
And didn't attempt to attaca.
--- W Parke
To maul an accomplished unzipper,
Must make reparation
To cash compensation,
For what she'd have earned as a stripper.
--- Anon
A tiger came up, scenting Man.
The man-cub said, "Hi!
Can you eat some pork pie?"
Said the tiger, "Oh yes, I Shere Khan."
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
For if you eat an oggie a day,
As the ancients all knew,
And is proved to be true,
That will keep the wild tigers at bay.
--- Anon
In the forest and deeps of the night.
Should your hand seize the fire,
Ease your grasp, or expire;
Don't antagonize -- the tygers bite.
--- David Morin
You've out-of-date black-and-white stripes!
What could be duller
Than absence of color?
We tigers are high fashion types.
--- Laurence Perrine P8812
Felt a yearning inside his esophagus;
He spied a fat Brahmin
And growled, "What's the harm in
A peripatetic sarcophagus?"
--- Anon
Missed his shot, so to smooth out such bumps,
Practiced his marksmanship
But his calm would have slipped
Had he seen Tiger rehearsing some jumps.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9703
In great numbers came guys and dolls.
It was billed as a thriller,
With the jungle cat killer;
It was Tigers Revenge by Claude Balls.
--- Albin Chaplin
Was about to go out for a slink,
When he heard his mate say,
"You have been out today,
And I'm not as dumb as you think."
--- Lims Unlimited
And doubtful of whether you'll beatah;
Don't throw in the towel
But let a loose bowel,
And out of her dinner you'll cheatah.
--- Irving Superior P8812
"Now, who do you think is the fleeter?"
In the race that ensued
The cheetah was rude,
For he not only beat 'er but eet 'er.
--- Lims Unlimited
And we had some remarkable chatz.
But she travelled one day,
To a place far away,
And got eaten up by some catz.
--- Anon
But of the feline jaguar.
The jaguar's a spotted cat;
South America its habitat,
So to find him, you must travel far.
--- William K Alsop Jr
My wife," said a magnate named Prater,
"Has asked that I buy her
A Jaguar. Well, Sir,
I finally did, and it ate her."
--- A N Wilkins P0401
My wife," said a magnate named Pructer,
"Has asked that I buy her
A Colt. Well, Sir,
I finally did, and it bucked her."
--- Arthur Deex P0401
My wife," said a magnate named Prosster,
"Has asked that I buy her
A Mustang. Well, Sir,
I finally did, and it tossed her."
--- A N Wilkins P0401
My wife," said a magnate named Pawder,
"Has asked that I buy her
A (Jeep) Eagle. Well, Sir,
I finally did, and it clawed her."
--- Arthur Deex P0401
Once sat on a jaguar's head.
He was not aware
That the creature was there;
Ted's no longer alive -- he's quite dead.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
To find the spotted le-o-pard.
He lies in the shade,
'Til his dinner kill's made.
Do no confuse him with the cameleopard!
--- William K Alsop Jr
Who'd eaten his owner, a shepherd:
"Feel guilty I should.
My master was good...
But better when salted a peppered.
--- Sally Porter P8812
Devoured some sheep and their shepherd.
Amid their sad wails
He put salt on their tails,
And the shepherd he generously peppered.
--- Nancy Henry-Kline P9305
Was confused by the tittles and jots,
For a jot was so little,
It looked like a tittle,
And the tittles were smaller than dots.
--- Lims Unlimited
"My spots have gone pale. Death is nigh!"
But his friend, a wee bear,
Said, "Do not despair.
I'll touch them all up with some dye."
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Eats both the sheep and the shepherd. He
Will dine off you too;
And, especially if you
Wear a leopardskin coat, you're in jeopardy.
--- Laurence Perrine P8812
Can not change the spots he abjures.
But why should he want to?
There's one thing he can do:
He will happily re-arrange yours.
--- Laurence Perrine P9004
Who inclined to talk terrible tripe,
Such as, "So to be peppered
Looks wrong on a leopard.
It ought to consider a stripe."
--- Anon
Looked up into four gleaming eyes;
He claimed double jeopardy
On facing twin leopardy,
And quick mouthed some hasty goodbyes.
--- Armand E Singer 267
He's savage, and sullen, and stinks.
Though he never has stunk
Like the scandalous skunk,
'Tis a task far beyond him, methinks.
--- Langford Reed
They say of the lynx that he stinks,
And one has to add
If he thinks it too bad,
That the lynx like the sphinx never winks.
--- Laurence Perrine P8812
I wished I owned an ocelot.
Although he is fast, sleek, and slim;
No car's yet named for him.
He lives down where the weather Is hot.
--- William K Alsop Jr
Who all the year 'round was cross a lot,
Except at Thanksgiving
When he enjoyed living
For he liked to eat cranberry sauce a lot.
--- Eve Merriam
With playful cubs she'll 'orse a lot.
But when she'll chase a fawn
And when she pounces upon,
The jaws outnumber the 'awes' a lot.
--- Irving Superior P8812
This is file lmk
"Being wrapped in these coils hurts an offa' lot.
I've made a mistake
In judging this snake.
I'd thought that boas were a docile lot".
--- Anon a
An ounce that was straying around.
The pound-keeper straight
Was fined for false weight,
Since he'd only one ounce in his pound.
--- Oliver Herford P8811
Who told an elephant joke to a puma.
Now his skeleton lies
Under hot western skies.
The puma had no sense of huma.
--- Ogden Nash P9602
And there he encountered a puma.
And later they found,
Just a spot on the ground,
And the puma in very good humor.
--- Anon
"I've been told it is best to assume a
Complete lack of fear
While the animal's near,
And trust in the beast's sense of huma."
--- Anon
Who met what he thought was a kitty.
He gave it a pat
And said, "Nice big cat."
But it swallowed him whole -- what a pity.
--- Anon
I pointed it straight at the cougar;
The cougar said, "Mister,
I just ate your sister,
And now for dessert I'll eat you. Grrr!"
--- Lims Unlimited
He's furry, black, white -- and entire
Well, entire and bold
Until that night unfold --
The night that he jumped in the fire.
--- Anon
With this tale you are in for a treat
And when it is told
Your blood will run cold
At the fate that this cat will soon meet.
--- Anon
Till he tried to kung-fu the canary
He jumped for the sky
And soared up quite high -
The soaring stopped (here it gets scary)
--- Anon
The flames and the smoke seemed his pyre
With his fiery tum
And blackened bum
He went round the room in a flyer!
--- Anon
And desperately tried with some zest,
To see if his rear
Would fit in a beer
And still this poor cat couldn't rest.
--- Anon
Tho you should have seen him next strain -
He was stuck like glue
In the bottom of the loo
And trying to pull on the chain!
--- Anon
He lost more than his sense of humour
So life is no joke
For poor Basingstoke
Became a bit of a gloomer.
--- Anon
The flames and the smoke robbed his magic
He sits and he sighs
With tears in his eyes
While thinking sad thoughts, hemorrhagic.
--- Anon
But he should have worn some armour
He only raises smiles
And suffers now from piles
While ladies all say "like a farmer."
--- Anon
Red-bloodedly liking canary.
Since walking the fire
He's had to retire
Somewhere between fritter and fairy!
--- Anon
Why should that be such a crime?
Don't get all upset
When your pretentious pet
Meows: "Please let me have a good time."
--- Virge
You may like to note my convention
Of yowling to test
If you really need rest
Or are wanting to pay me attention.
--- Virge
I fear you are mentally ill.
You must lack a brain
Or be quite fond of pain,
If you think you can feed me that pill.
--- Virge
When they call for you, just keep on walking.
Treat them all with disdain.
You don't have to explain.
When in doubt, let your tail do the talking.
--- Virge
After midday migrate to the west.
If you sleep the whole day,
Then at night you can play
By pretending you're demon possessed.
--- Virge
Locals are defenceless; it's sad.
Those nasty moggies
Eat wombats and froggies
And pre-singing nestlings, I'm mad!
--- Archie
If old Aussies had taken more care,
And not loosed their kitties
From England's old cities
On a land of cat predators -- bare!
--- Tutta Gioia
Feral cats you're bemoaning..."Alas...?
So who's run amok?
It's man who has stuck
His penis up Ma Nature's ass!
--- Tutta Gioia
Surrounded by fur-locked manooter.
Her dreadful posterior
And hygiene inferior
Have won her a rat as a suitor.
--- Taxciter
But nature has kissed them goodbye.
The amorous rodent
Will nibble her dough-vent
As long as the cake's in supply.
--- Taxciter
She is rather ticklish of paw.
She shits in th grass,
But does not wipe her ass,
And she suffers from sharpness of claw.
--- Jayne
A sharpened claw at you I wag.
You foolish young lass,
For my shit does pass
Straight into my colostomy bag.
--- Kitty
I'll bet you my tire has gone flat.
I'll get out and check;
Oh golly! Oh heck!
So sorry I flattened your cat.
--- Ericka
Was my pussy, and yet, not a cat,
But my lover Jim,
Who *does* like his quim,
Will soothe it in ten seconds flat."
--- Anon
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They returned from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.
--- Cosmo Monkhouse
Rode to town the lady from Niger?
Was the smile on his face
From her succulent taste,
Or rather from being inside her?
--- Sam Schleman
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