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I think those Scots are all meanies, A place where the lassies all "rear it" On old Grandfather Mountain we spied The kilts, skirts, and clothes made of leather! He did grimace and groan, and then grunt, To race up Grandfather, they skirt This summer, I've seen Aberdeen Is it Aberdeen, Scotland, you mean? The dish is called Haggis, my sweet; In bitter and rain-sodden weather, Next week up in Scotland I'll be Apparently haggis are rife All Scotsmen know haggis are built I have found, but I don't mean to brag, As for haggis, 'tis best, so we've found, And be careful when putting down snipe, In the marshes behind my house, Said Old Jock: Of my race I'm so proud, When Heather went out in the spring, At night when the haggis are ruttin', In Scotland, when lads whip their spankles, Says a Scotsman, handsomely built, It's called Scottish mad sheep disease, lad; Begorrah, bejaysus, bejabers, Wear sporrans and kilts and say "Och This challenge I cannot refuse; So they hunt down some poor haggis and eat? Poorer but wiser is she; There once was an imbecile, Roy, Scotsmen are descended from trolls Amanda, who's always been hottish, Where was an auld birkie ca'ed Milton, If planning a visit to Norwich, Not burgers; MacDonald's a Scot The lack of alternative dining John Wallace has called on Kate Mattagin; If Scoville's the scale of the heat, Ever eaten a Scotch Bonnet treat? There're lots of those Scots who'll throw pots Scots women are so full of passion, There's an island off Scotland named Skye, My love is now like a red rose, Ayr is a fine Scottish town, We Scots are inventive of mind, Maxwell and Wilson and Watt, The Dutch (I know one called Roland) If Scots talk you know, then ye ken, An Aberdeen jockey named Bright For a Limey, I'm not rally snottish, By a cozy peat fire in O'Dell, A Scotsman was tossing his caber, Amanda, sweet lassie, was glad Now Shetland, when all's said and done, In search of his favorite porridge, Although your late summer's been wet, I could, of course, be very crude The Scots are a race most spartan, In Scotland they have a strange custom; One green lawn covers Scotland all o'er, Last Monday to Glasgow I flew, Met Angus the cab driver who He gave me a punch on the nose; I pondered on "Och aye the noo", To Glasgow in any event, So I've been tartaned 'gainst my wishes. An old dying Scotsman, McLoud, There was a young man from Back Bay,
Showing sights for their fellow obscenies.
Call Gandalf the Good
To make things as they should,
For wee little Scot teeny weenies.
--- Tony Burrell
And Scots make the finest of spirit;
The sheep eat the mash,
Which farts out their gash,
And burns where the shepherds don't shear it.
--- Anon
Lots of food, whether grilled, boiled, or fried.
They had haggis right there
To be eaten with care.
We had fun as our time we did bide.
--- Liam na Beag
The dancers moved light as a feather.
There were claymores and dirks,
Hats, and bagpipes -- the works.
And the music agreed with the weather.
--- Liam na Beag
As he tried to pull off this big stunt.
The one goal is, my friend,
To throw end over end
A telephone pole to the front.
--- Liam na Beag
'Round the corners and rocks. Be alert!
Wearing kilts, shorts, and flags
And their numbers on tags.
'Tis a wondrous event, they assert.
--- Liam na Beag
And quite sober, not under poteen.
But it's I who admires
Its grey greatin' spires;
The world's greyest city I've seen.
--- Ulla
But it's springtime, not summer, my queen.
And I'll ask if I may,
As Ulla might say,
Just who is this chap called Poteen?
--- Hugh Clary
It's a Scottish culinary treat.
I'll describe it to ye
Anatomically:
It takes guts to make and to eat.
--- Anon
There's rarely a trace of a feather
Or even a squeak
From the haggis who seek
Out the sheltering warmth of the heather.
--- Peter Wilkins
Eating platters of haggis for tea.
They're shot in the islands,
The lowlands and highlands
From August to February.
--- Peter Wilkins
In an area centered on Fife;
But even in Norwich,
They're chewing the porridge
That Scotsmen depend on for life.
--- Peter Wilkins
To hide in a moor's bog of silt.
And when one is found,
A Scotsman is bound
To shoot the damn thing in the kilt.
--- Travis Brasell
The pure bag of a haggis, with shag.
We can hunt it at night;
I will drive it with fright,
And it's you can be holding the bag.
--- Dennis Hammes
To look where they'll surely abound.
You will find, if you shoot
With Laphroaig, they'll be moot.
And it tastes oh so good, by the pound.
--- Hilde na Beag
Hunters say as they smoke on their pipe.
They are real -- can be found
In the marshy-type ground.
Ask Jack Daniel, he knows of their type.
--- Hilde na Beag
Where my cats are apt for a mouse,
When the time is ripe,
They sometimes catch snipe,
But rarely a haggis or grouse.
--- Tony Burrell
And I'll sing of the Scots long and loud.
Till the end of my days,
All my brothers I'll praise,
Except Burke and Hare, Ally McLeod!
--- Alexander Baron
She took her young wet hairy thing.
And looked for a Jock
With his untamed cock --
She wanted a wild highland fling.
--- Archie
Yon Peter is often a glutton.
He stealthily creeps
With tatties and neeps, (??)
Trying to get somethin' from mutton.
--- Peter Wilkins
And boast 'bout the size of their wankles,
With the aim to impress,
'Tis I, no less,
Who's kilted clean down to my ankles.
--- D O'Grady
"I'm damned if I will wear a kilt.
The cold air up me arse
Makes sex just a farce,
For it causes me cockie to wilt!"
--- Norm Storer P0510Q
It's the worse epidemic we've had.
If you eat tainted meat,
Red fur grows on your feet
And your face turns a bright shade of plaid.
--- Anon
I thought I had Irish as neighbors.
But seems that they're not;
They eat porridge a lot,
Hunt for haggis and whittle their cabers.
--- Peter Wilkins
Aye the noo," after seven o'clock;
Murder bagpipes when frisky,
Down bottles of whiskey,
And most, if not all, are called Jock.
--- Peter Wilkins
You've given us plenty of clues.
Perhaps they are Danish,
Or maybe Ukrainish,
But probably orthodox Jews.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Wash it down with good whiskey replete?
Fling their cabers around.
Moan and groan -- what a sound!
Could it be some Highlanders from Crete
--- Hilde na Baeg
It cost her a trip 'cross the sea.
But she learned with great joy,
Not like a Yankee boy,
Scotsmen do not unzip to pee.
--- Lim of Month Nov 2000
A featherbrained young Scottish boy,
Who was prodded all 'round
Or jostled down a mound,
And angrily said, "I'm no toy!"
--- Topas
That lived in the mountains like moles.
Don't look so askance;
They wear skirts and not pants.
They can't get two legs in different holes!
--- Tony Burrell
Had sex with a fellow who's Scottish.
He pulled up his kilt,
Rammed her to the hilt,
But now, sad to say, she's got twat itch.
--- Tony Burrell
Who Io'ed na the lads wi' a kilt on;
Gie'd Gillespie a rasp,
Ca'd Gillespie "Galasp"
Sae slicht was the Gaelic he built on.
--- Anon
We warn you; you may have to forage
For food, 'cause by nine
There is nowhere to dine
'Less you visit MacDonald's for porridge.
--- Peter Wilkins
This is file jjm
Who keeps porridgy stuff in a pot
And says, "Och ay the noo",
As he serves up the goo,
Which is lumpy and not at all hot.
--- Peter Wilkins
Has meant our inspectors declining
To offer to Norwich
Awards for that porridge;
So Angus MacDonald, stop whining.
--- Peter Wilkins
They both in the moonbeam have sattagin;
Dear Kate raised John's kilt
To find no wee wilt.
Delighted, Kate spread herself flattagin.
--- D O'Grady
Sweet Tiffany's a Scotch Bonnet treat.
With her on my tongue
From clitty to bung,
I think I'll be smoking like peat.
--- Taxciter
It doesn't go down like a sweet.
You might beat the band,
But be careful your hand
Stays off of your own tender meat.
--- Ham Sandywich
Of porridge for slighting their spots
Of beauty... Not many
In Glasgow, but any
Young lass there will rent out her twat.
--- Anon
Just chocolates and flowers not in fashion.
You should try much harder
To fulfill her ardour,
And into his arms she'll be dashin'.
--- Jayne
Which the rugged seascapes beautify,
Where the bagpipe's sound lilts,
And the cut of the kilts,
Makes a guy really go for a guy.
--- Don Moore P9411
Who's newly sprung a nude pose...
I'll come in a while,
Though 'twere many a mile,
All over you...nose down to toes.
--- TuttaGioia
So while I my trousers yank down,
I'll pick your red rose
And strike my rude pose,
And peel off your fleecy nightgown...
--- Jayne
In brains we do not lag behind.
James Watt, Logie Baird,
Are some who have dared,
To seek out what others can't find.
--- Tutta Gioia
And Lipton with his famous yacht...
There is Hume, there is Smith,
Glenlivit's sweet whiff...
For a country that's small, that's a lot.
--- Tutta Gioia
Live in completely flat Holland.
The height they will soar
To prove they can bore,
Is nowhere else known ('cept Sco'land)
--- Anon
That a mountain is always called ben,
And though it give mirth,
Mouth of streams are called firth,
And a valley is oft called a glen.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Used only one spur (Scots are tight);
Being mocked, he sneered, "Sirs,
Who needs two costly spurs?
The left side can't lose to the right!"
--- Armand E Singer 22
From the lassies were never standoffish.
I dated a few
Lowlanders, true;
They told me "Scots" and not "Scottish!"
--- Tutta Gioia
Sat a Scot and a Mick, I hear tell.
"I'm full," cried O'Brien.
Said McLeod, "Well, I'm buyin'."
Sure and now, that's a cold day in hell.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
When along came Dolores, his neighbor.
She lifted his kilt;
Found him very well built,
And relieved the young man of his labour.
--- Tiddy Ogg
That she had the 'hots' for that lad;
When she undulated,
His 'bagpipe' inflated,
And she blew a tune 'neath his plaid.
--- Travis Brasell
Is where I should go to have fun.
And plenty of sport,
But a sign at the port
Says, "Sheep-shagging Sassenachs -- run!"
--- Tiddy Ogg
Scot Angus set out for to forage.
At last some he picked,
And promptly got nicked (arrested)
For shoplifting we don't encourage.
--- Tiddy Ogg
We can go sightseeing there yet.
So take me around
Your favorite ground,
And show me the Ayr of my pet.
--- Archie
And ask where you want to be screwed.
With the exception,
My single objection:
I'm not going back to Bermud(a)!
--- Archie
Whom defeat does not dishearten.
To wear a sporran
Is not deemed foreign,
Nor men in skirts of tartan.
--- Richard Long
If ever in Glascow, don't trust 'em.
They greet you instead
With a nod of the head,
And if you wear glasses, they'll bust 'em.
--- Spru
From the tops of the hills to down lower.
But God keeps it up fine
With much rain and sunshine,
And a ten-million sheep-power mower.
--- Anon
Arriving at 20:02;
Got off of the plane
In the sleet and the rain,
And the gale and the hail and the snoo.
--- Peter Wilkins
Said "Hoot mon" and "Och aye the noo."
Glaswegian I guessed,
So I gave him my best
Saying "Och aye the noo, to you, too."
--- Peter Wilkins
A typical greeting I suppose.
I mused in a daze
On his jocular ways,
And the trickle of blood on my toes.
--- Peter Wilkins
As off to Auld Glasgow we flew;
If anyone here
Has a clearer idea
What it means, will you give me a clue.
--- Peter Wilkins
I wasn't supposed to be sent.
A message for me
On arrival with glee
Said, "It's Edinburgh Town what we meant."
--- Peter Wilkins
I hope I get no "Glasgow kisses".
That's "Och aye the noo"
Applied to my floo!
But if I am lucky, he misses.
--- Peter Wilkins
Said, "The money's all mine!" and avowed
He would bury tradition
(Duly risking perdition)
By wearing big pockets, no shroud.
--- Doug Harris P0508
Who said, "I don't think that I'm gay.
I'm quite neat and tidy,
And first thing on Friday,
I'm tossing that caber away."
--- Bill Wall
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