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I picked up this cabin-crew chick; The traveler, Little Miss Muffet, I once met this little green man, I knew there would just be no way, As you give Northwest a poor rating, A young airline hostess named Bright "Hey Sir!" barked the flight hostess, "Wait! The Chief Stewardess on a Boeing, An airline in Chapter Eleven Southwest, with your latest advance, (Fat asses => two seats pay double)
There once was a girl named Elaine There was a young lady named Irma A simple young fellow named Lee, Trans World, the great Airline, we see Those airlines, US and United, A plane's engineer was ejected Some brain-dead fool thought he would get She did it, and sure 'nough was caught, Said the EP-3 pilot, "A Small An ambitious young robber named Blue I've hinted at fun in Phuket, This thundercloud's thicker than soup; Oh wow! Did you see that, my pet? Now at 45,000 plus feet Oh Phuket, I see it below. Bloody wheels have dropped off in the sand! Look, I know, dearest Petal, I know, My flying career got the shaft -- The rescuers dug unabashed, There once was a man from old Mass, I think that I must be insane; Oh lover, that landing was grand! But what about you, my sweet dove? High-voltage electrical games A daring young man from Rangoon A pilot named Manuel Bain We're told by the powers that be (American Airlines A-300 crashes in Queens)
In a balloon with a lady from Cardif, There was a young man from Al Qaida, There was a young man called Mark As they fished his old plane from the sea, The stewardess spoke calm and nice: The big-wigs are wondering why The Wright Brothers flew their airliner; Twenty cheerleaders chartered a flight; "We can save our own butts, that is clear, A young Concorde Captain named Stan A crack bombadier named Joe Caine A daring young pilot named James The crew drank a gallon of wine; Said the pilot to co- while dead drunk, A pilot who drank to excess, Said the pilot to co-pilot, Pat, The test pilot got a commission; Although there's no highway up there, "This new autopilot," said Fritz, A helicopter pilot named Danny A new pilot named George quickly found Observed an old flyboy named Slokum, Jet pilots lead a very fast life, A vet pilot of Airtrans renown, The flight crew on whiskey was high Northwest's Captain said, bearing a frown, "Sadly, my peter is drooping," A horny young pilot from JAX (Jacksonville) I take off and carve up the sky, A daring old airman named Steve,
Thing got quite hot really quick.
I patted her bum;
Mile-high-club, here I come --
But instead I got very airsick.
--- Anon
Had to fly to Detroit with her tuffet.
"If the plane isn't Boeing,"
She said, "I'm not going,
Tell Douglas and Airbus to stuff it."
--- Dick Potts P8511
With a right puzzled look on his pan.
"Second star from the right,
Was my scheduled flight --
I'll never fly Delta again!"
--- KJR a
To get home on time yesterday.
As always, Northwest,
Puts me to the test,
With the usual three hour delay.
--- Anon
It sounds like my sex life you're stating;
I start making love,
But heavens above,
"Arrival" takes three hours of waiting!
--- Anon
Resolved all the boredom of flight.
In a manner not rude
She served tea in the nude,
Which gave patrons great joy and delight.
--- Albin Chaplin
Your bag is too heavy." "I'm late,"
He snapped, "And must go,
So Honey, just stow
My wife down below with the freight."
--- Travis Brasell
When asked where the aircraft was going,
Said, "Our navigator
Is joining us later.
Till then we have no way of knowing."
--- Paul Alexander
Took me up in a seven-four-seven,
With legroom to spare;
We flew through the air
With peanuts like manna from Heaven.
--- Meps N Barry
You have grown far too big for your pants.
'Cause I'm built extra-large,
I must pay extra charge?
Will that mean extra service? Fat chance!
--- Limerick Savant
Who fainted on a Spanish Airplane.
"How can this be?"
"Well sir, you see
The brain, in Spain, falls mainly on the plane."
--- Speckle Bird TP9901
Who traveled to Moscow from Burma;
When they landed her jet
With a bounce she said, "Nyet,
This terra is not very firma."
--- Lims Unlimited
Flew TWA to Dundee.
When the hostess did say,
"Coffee TWA?"
He said, "No, just TWAT!"
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2158
With passengers happy and free.
TWA gladly feeds
Most commuting men's needs,
For stewardesses offer TWA tea.
--- Tucker D Ott P9005
Have found that their future is blighted;
So too's BMI, (British Midland)
'Cause people won't fly,
And Osama is surely delighted.
--- Tiddy Ogg
When his parachute wasn't connected,
And down on the ground
They passed buckets around,
And soon he was calm and collected.
--- Limber Limericks
His girlfriend, quite stupid, to let
Him teach her to fly
Via catapult, high
In the air, to be caught in a net.
--- Tiddy Ogg
By the net, which alas, was too taut.
She bounced, landed, broke
Her pelvis; the bloke
May well find himself in the court.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Chinese fighter's not much of a haul.
And I had to yell, "Mayday!"
In the midst of my heyday;
But for peacetime it's not bad at all."
--- Arthur Deex P0105
Stole a Concorde, but hadn't a clue.
So he went superfrantic
Above the Atlantic
And pierced the cruel sea at Mach 2.
--- David A Brooks Q
So we'll take off for Thailand today.
Now we're gathering height,
So we'll turn to the right,
Or the left? Oh look down. There's Bombay.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
I'll avoid it by looping the loop,
Then we'll roll to the right.
(Ow! you're gripping too tight
And it's causing a terminal droop.)
--- Jim Weaver Collection
We so nearly flew into that jet.
And I had to dive down;
Now my trousers are brown
And your panties are probably wet.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
We've achieved quite a record, my sweet.
'Cos you can't get much higher
In this craft made of wire
And old string. Now hold on to your seat.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Now we'll dive down to 3 feet or so.
Oh my god, you've gone white;
Are you feeling all right?
Shall we give it another good go?
--- Jim Weaver Collection
How the hell are we going to land?
And the coast of Phuket
Has gone zooming away
In the blink of an eye. Ain't life grand!!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
We've got hundreds of miles still to go.
But whatever's the matter,
You're mad as a hatter;
Stop kicking my bits down below.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Got caught in a sudden downdraft.
I flew not again;
I just lost the yen,
After I crashed that Beechcraft.
--- Tutta Gioia
News of new victims they flashed;
Just a grisly affair...
A graveyard was where
That Cessna two-seater had crashed.
--- TuttaGioia
Whose head was far up his ass.
He had flown TWA
And all I can say
Is he didn't survive the crash!
--- Joe Kohn
I've just fallen out of a plane,
From way up in the sky
And I know I shall die.
The next trip, I'm taking the train.
--- Anon
You've driven us two miles inland!
And caused me to spasm
In countless orgasm.
(and filled up my bumcrack with sand!)
--- Anon
Got grit when you gave me that shove?
Well show me your wiener
And I'll lick it cleaner --
(Then we'll see a geyser, my love!)
--- Anon
This is file djl
Near combustible gas no one aims;
'Round one big funeral pyre,
Some said Saint Elmo's Fire
Sent the Hindenburg crashing in flames!
--- Allen Wolverton
Flew away in a hot air balloon.
He was humbled, alas,
When he ran out of gas
In a lonely lagoon about noon.
--- Howard B Cress
Was flying his glider through Spain;
The winds became high,
He was tossed from the sky,
And he crashed in the hilly terrain.
--- Cap'n Bean P0108
That the airplane crash most probably
Was an accident,
With no evil intent,
But it all looks suspicious to me.
--- Dr Limerick 11-12-01
I grew quite sensually stiff.
When we crashed to the ground,
On our back dragged around,
My "salute" was gone in a jiff.
--- Vibert Hutchinson
Who dive bombed his father's hang glider.
But 'twas not Jihad
Killed the lad, said his dad,
But the twelve pints of Olde English cider!
--- Alexander Baron
Who wanted to fly like a lark.
So with string and a motor,
Made a hang-glider-floater
And made a BIG hole in the Park.
--- Anon
The inventor just chortled with glee.
I shall build -- and he laughed --
A submarine craft,
A perhaps it will fly -- we shall see.
--- Nik Synytskyy
"'Neath your seat's a flotation device."
That ain't worth a toot!
It's a damned parachute
We'll need if we fall from the skies.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Our Stealth Fighter test went awry.
Though it cannot be seen,
Those Serb guys got mean
And blew it right out of the sky.
--- Anon
Of pilots there haven't been finer.
They stayed on their course
And had no remorse...
Unlike a dumb "hotdog" from Chiner.
--- Travis Brasell
Things went wrong and their chances grew slight.
Though the crewmen were brutes,
There were only three 'chutes,
And three crewmen to ponder their plight.
--- John Miller 0332
But what of those girls in the rear?"
"Aw, fuck 'em!" said one.
"Say that would be fun --
Is there time?" asked the Flight Engineer.
--- John Miller 0332a
Said: "I'll meet you last night if I can."
Then he traveled around,
Flying faster than sound,
And arrived there before he began!
--- Mary Danby Armada 1
Used to crap from the rear of his plane.
With each bomb he sent down
Came a load, hot and brown.
But he stopped when they wrote to complain.
--- Michael Weinstein P8406
Was bored with the common love games.
So he set a match
To his ladyfriend's snatch,
And proceeded to go down in flames.
--- David Miller
The stewardess said, "We'll be fine."
With one hand on the stick,
One on co-pilot's dick,
"Ground controllers will keep us in line."
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0209
"This flight's gonna be a slam-dunk.
When we land at St. Paul
A taxi we'll call.
You can't drive 'cause you're drunk as a skunk."
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0209
Never gave a thought to the mess.
He would fly wide and high,
Without a care why.
He is not around to confess.
--- Jeffrey Beeton
In the airport's small lounge where they sat:
"Very soon we'll be high
in the friendly blue sky."
Said the co-pilot, "I'll drink to that."
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0209
Study free-fall effects on emission.
But he got a banger
When leaving the hangar,
Thus screwing the whole fucking mission.
--- John Miller
It is safer to travel by air,
Than to drive on the road
When you carry a load.
Aircraft head-on collisions are rare.
--- William N Nesbit P0209
The captain, "Does all I do; it's
Amazing!" Said Lil,
The stewardess, "Will
It goose me and feel up my tits?"
--- Michael Weinstein P9005a
Had reflexes simply uncanny.
He had the perspective
To work the collective,
And the gun button shoot-hootenanny.
--- William K Alsop Jr
Difficulties in flying abound.
Very hard is the takeoff;
Navigation no cakewalk;
And the hardest of all is the ground.
--- Don Moore P0506
"The lauding of Hickam is hokum;
When the ire of my fires
Becomes cold, it requires
The thought of this airbase to stoke `em."
--- Armand Singer
It's hard for them having a wife.
Athens, Paris or Rome,
They are rarely at home;
When they are, it can lead to much strife.
--- Arthur Pattaffy
Who in Vietnam twice was shot down,
Lost his nose cone to hail,
But kept cool, without fail
To land safe in a Tennessee town!
--- Prof M-G
They said, while preparing to fly,
"Let's all have a beer
There's nothing to fear
There are no traffic cops in the sky."
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0209
"Don't look out! Keep those window shades down!"
"Have we landed somewhere?"
"No, we're still in the air,
And some day we will find the right town."
--- Anon
The old pilot said, "and while looping,
A lovely young quail
'Stead of giving me tail,
Is more likely apt to be pooping."
--- John Miller
Filled too many stewardesses CRAX.
Said his doc, "Sat to tell,
Your male organ's unwell:
You'll have to go West and reLAX (Los Angeles)
--- Armand E Singer 104
With nary a thought I might die!
Don't need parachute
Or helmet and suit,
Remote Controlled is now how I fly.
--- David Miller
A stupendous great circle did weave.
Flying solo, non-stop,
'Round the world in one hop,
And took less than three days, I believe.
--- Anon
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