He invites you to come watch TV;
In his house there's no TV to see.
He says "You are the show!"
So you turn and go.
You're not the tramp he thought you'd be.
--- Gaila Rae TP9807

Thanks for the invite, Ms. Flower,
But I must go to work in an hour.
If I had some more time
I'd give pleasure sublime,
As I screwed you all night in the shower.
--- Anon

A most irresponsible lecher
Fell for a virgin named Fletcher.
Try as he would
He never could
Get close enough just to catch her.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

I think John may have had one too many;
He went out and spent a pretty penny,
On flowers and candy,
But he's still feeling randy,
Because he's just not getting any.
--- Cheryl

My girl says I'm terribly crude
To assume that because she's wooed,
She'll quiver with glee
And instantly be
In the mood to be screwed in the nude.
--- Norm Storer P9205

She wanted hot passion from him?
My god, but the woman was dim!
It's true, I surmise,
With lounge lizard guys,
Her chances of success were slim.
--- Anon

The wife her dear man does harass
By saying, when times comes for ass,
"You did not cut the lawn."
But she never says "John,
Let us fuck!" when it's time to mow grass.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2099A

There was an executive named Floyd
Who really became annoyed.
His secretary of billing
Was always unwilling;
Floyd now finds himself unemployed.
--- Anon

There was a young man from Troy
Who went out with a lady of joy.
But he came back nonplussed,
Not to say somewhat fussed,
For he wasn't that kind of a boy!
--- G1622

Said a callgirl, joking to Roy,
'D'you fancy some sexual joy?"
With handbag on arm,
He cried in alarm
"No! I'm not that sort of boy!"
--- Paul Westwood P9607

That miserable bitch from Corinne
Kicked Bill Thomas right on the shin.
Chased him through the halls,
And stomped on his balls --
All because he asked to come in.
--- Anon

When a handsome young dandy named Andy
Failed to seduce a young lady with candy,
He said, "I know liquor
Would work so much quicker,
But candy was all I had handy."
--- Ray Gessler

The fun thing about our Miss Joyn-
Er is trying new ways to purloin
Her sweet heart with romance,
But I don't stand a chance,
If her pants I can't shed from her groin.
--- Anon

He leered as he slowly descended;
His member engorged and distended.
But Sue said "Surprise!"
As she opened her eyes,
"My coma was only pretended!"
--- John Miller

You've been bad, old grouch Ebenezer!
Had a young maid, but then tried to squeeze 'er
Into your bed,
To give you some head.
When denied you called her a prick teaser!
--- Jim Weaver Collection

There once was a girl from St. Andrews
Who invited a man for a sea cruise.
On the firth of the Forth,
With Fife on their North,
She showed him her feminine virtues.
--- Torben Mogensen

I was sitting there, taking my ease,
And enjoying my Beaumes-de-Venise,
With a charming young poppet,
But she told me to stop it,
As my fingers crept up past her knees.
--- Cyril Ray

A sensitive lady from Worcester
At a ball met a fellow who goosed her.
A lecherous guy
With blood in his eye.
So she ducked out before he seduced her.
--- W S Baring-Gold

I plied her with candy and drink;
I promised her jewelry and mink.
I took her to dinner
But never got in her,
She puked it all up in the sink.
--- Anon

Some fellows would do that, I think,
But mine is a delicate dink.
And the onions and tripe
Were a trifle too ripe,
So I couldn't get stiff for the stink.
--- Anon

Well, as she behaved so unkind,
Then had it been me, I'd a mind
While she'd stand and chunder,
I'd rip off her under-
wear, giving her one from behind.
--- Anon

A young man, observed in the spring,
Will have thought of a very fine fling.
It will be his true love
That he does think of,
Until he is asked for a ring.
--- D Graham

A virgin could not acquiesce
When his girlfriend began to undress.
"Please stop it," he cried,
To which she replied,
"I abhor your abstemiousness."
--- Anon

The Ex-Californian surfer dude
Was left by the beautiful prude;
Since he wanted to score,
She showed him the door,
And I hope I am not being rude.
--- Anon

Don Juan muttered, "Luscious Marie
Was ripe for seduction by me.
I employed Spanish Fly,
But her virtuous cry
Made me switch to abrupt Spanish flee!"
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner

Tony and Butch both know Heidi
Would screw no one, but the Almighty.
But both of the them thought
That they had a shot
At touching the spot she keeps tidy.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Good heavens, it's far, far too hot
To seduce sexy blokes by the lot!
When seduced, they want touch
And that's simply too much;
I need cool and not heat for my slot...
--- Anon

A shapely Victorian maid
Told Tim that she'd like to get laid.
It took Tim two days
To unlace all her stays,
Which left Tim too tired, I'm afraid.
--- John E. Mayhood P0504

Said the leatherman to his admirer,
"You're diminishing all my desire.
The drool is OK,
But the hair's in the way,
And I'm turned right off by a perspirer."
--- Shakes Younger Bro T9711

While swimming across the Zambezi,
I noticed a girl really sleazy.
She said,"Master the river!
I'll give you my quiver!"
Just the thought of it made me real queasy.
--- Anon

The calculus prof ogled Sue
And had hopes to knock off a quick screw;
She passed him a note --
Here's what she wrote:
U/IMYY2B. (I am too wise to be under you.)
--- Robin K Willoughby P8506

Valentine's Day has now come and gone;
It left us good old horny John.
He's been on a hunt
For a tight little cunt
To take care of his raging hard-on.
--- Jen

A keen poultry farmer named Hexingham
Just adored hatching chickens and sexing 'em.
When his bride-to-be said,
"Why not sex me instead?"
She only succeeded in vexing him.
--- Robust Ribald Rude P9703

This is file znl

A somewhat deaf man of New York
While dining on roast loin of pork,
Received such belaboring
From the girl who sat neighboring.
She had simply requested a fork.
--- Isaac Asimov

Said a stupid young girl of Schenectady
Of her boyfriend, "I never expect Eddy
Would suggest we recline
After dinner and wine,
And I still wonder why in the heck did he."
--- Keith MacMillan A088B

Enamoured of Katie I be,
But, dammit, she just doesn't see
That seeking a chance
To get into her pants,
Doesn't mean I'm ungentlemanly.
--- Peter Wilkins

Young Katie is wary perhaps
'Cause she knows that you British chaps
Have premature spasm
Just 'fore her orgasm
Resultng in total collapse!
--- Observer

She's wary because she's no fool,
And knows there's no general rule;
it's just that she's scared
She may faint if she dared
Climb aboard my magnificent tool.
--- Peter Wilkins

I once knew a fine Russian sailor,
Who made Katie turn even paler.
His todger, I figure,
That Pete's was much bigger;
They called the bloke Vlad the Impaler.
--- Anon

An exception, Pete, then could be you,
And also with Tiddy, it's true.
Else how could he keep
Up with all of those sheep,
And still satisfy Ermatrude too?
--- Observer

There was a young fellow from Diss,
Who asked his friend's wife for a kiss.
Said the young lady, "This is
All wrong for a Mrs.
When a Mrs. no longer a Miss.
--- Anon

Her husband was forced to assist her,
In restraining the lecherous Mr.
Said he, "Please desist,
She dislikes being kissed,
You'll have to make do with her sister."
--- Anon

I fish for men's bodies, not souls.
God and I have quite different goals.
Please, honey won't worry,
I am in no hurry
To follow such straight protocols.
--- Anon

If they won't take bait that I'm using,
Those guys would not be of my choosing.
If they want more
Or think I'm a whore,
They just don't know what they are losing.
--- Anon

With Dawn, my first love, I would try
To be cool though my body was fry-
ing with lust for her bits;
Got as far as her tits,
But she said, "Keep your hands off my thigh."
--- Anon

She left me weeks later for Ken
And I cried every morning 'til ten;
As I fondled my horn
I felt sad and forlorn,
Couldn't get up at the crack of Dawn then.
--- Anon

Another day out on the Seine,
My urges once more were made plain.
She said, "I'm no whore,
But you're just a bore."
And she jumped in the water again.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

I tried it anew on the Dnieper,
Whose waters I thought might be deeper.
The result of my pass,
Was a glimpse of her ass,
And she proved she was still a great leaper.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

The Hudson was where I last tried,
Where sewage floats out with the tide.
She said, "This is it,
I won't swim in shit,
At last, I must let you inside."
--- Jim Weaver Collection

Just then from the bank someone waved,
A coarsefellow, really depraved.
His shouts, without tact,
Deflated my act,
So thus was she finally saved.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

There once was this Mucker named Billy
Who thought high society silly.
He met with a skirt
Who thought he was dirt.
Their romance was sure to be hilly.
--- Anon

She was caught by a samurai dude,
Whose advances were really quite lewd.
It's a fate worse than death
But he breathed his last breath.
She stabbed him. She was not in the mood.
--- Anon

Even so, she was trapped in his palace;
Other soldiers attacking with malice.
The Mucker showed up
And bodies piled up.
About death, he was really quite callous.
--- Anon

Then off to safe refuge they went,
Where she taught him to speak like a gent.
It's not "dis" and "dat";
It is "this" and "that"
A great skirt -- er, great woman I meant.
--- Anon

Our office temp, she caught my eyes
By showing off cleavage and thighs.
But when I broke the ice,
And said, "That dress is nice,"
She glared, "You're just like all other guys!"
--- Anon

No longer can gals be too certain,
If the boss is harassin' or flirtin'.
So to cut off his pass,
She should cover harass,
If around that subject he's skirtin'.
--- Anon

Oh come to the garden, dear Maude;
For long years your face I've adored.
Out there 'midst the tulips,
I'll slip 'twixt your two lips,
My enormously throbbing pork sword.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Oh Maudie, come into the garden,
That fingertip gives me a hardon.
And then there's your cleavage,
That bosomly heavage!
'Cause Honey, you're built like Doll Parton!
--- Tiddy Ogg

Sir Jasper! Such crude affectation
Concerning my globes of lactation.
You, sir, are a brute; e-
Ven so, 'tis my duty
To sooth in some way your reaction.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Does that mean, dear Maude, you are willing
To come out and get you a filling?
As stated Confucious,
For mating on fuschias,
I'd hand over more than a shilling.
--- Tiddy Ogg

He said: "I'm your gay caballero!"
When he courted his sweet lady fair-o.
She said: "Sod off, Queer,
Don't want you round here."
And she flounced off with never a care-o.
--- Anon

I put it all down to semantics;
Why the poor lad missed out on romantics.
If he'd said "bold" not "gay",
He'd have had it away,
She'd have welcomed his phallus gigantix.
--- Anon

So the moral of this cautionary
Tale is that if you wish to tarry,
Around a young maid,
And perhaps get her laid,
Invest in a new dictionary.
--- Anon

Sweet words and dry wit are conducive,
Whenever you're feeling seducive.
They don't work with Jenny,
She's not having any,
In face she soon turns quite abusive.
--- Tiddy Ogg

"You won't win my bod with dry wine,"
Warned Jen, "Nor with sweet words so fine;
But you will seduce me,
And surely unloose me
With cash passed from your hand to mine!"
--- Travis Brasell

At the end of our date, I said "Lets..."
But she said, "Don't take any bets."
What's a poor lad to do
When she says, "Bugger You!
This is as good as it gets?"
--- Birko

I never would say "Bugger you."
To a sensitive soul. (It's true!)
But don't count your chickens
You little dickens!
Let's just NOT our a date debut.
--- Marlene