There once was a King named Shamus,
Who grew exceedingly famous.
A drunkard screamed out,
Without thinking no doubt,
"I've seen his Highness. He's heinous!"
--- Gearhart

"Off with his head!" Shamus screeched.
The drunk was dragged through the streets.
And what is more,
When his kilt hit the floor,
His "head" soon lay at his feet.
--- Gearhart

One morning the Monarch said "When
May I hope for a Queen of the Glen?
I look noble, I'm sure,
But my thoughts are not pure.
I'm no better than most other men."
--- D W Barker

A trio of mobsters was known
To have kidnapped the King when alone.
When his servants had found him,
They save him and crowned him,
Then threw the three thugs through the throne.
--- Anon

They say that the good King Canute
Was wont to get pissed as a newt,
And wander about
With his prick sticking out,
Whilst playing lewd songs on his lute.
--- Michael Horgan

There was an old King called Canute,
And the tide he did try to re-route.
But he soon had to flee
From the incoming sea,
So he cannot have been very astute.
--- Richard Long

In the land of the Easily Amused
The King was completely enthused --
Adhesive tape on his finger,
Whoopee! What a zinger!
But the peasants were completely confused.
--- Dick Ford

King Fart (I think) said long ago,
(My brains are mush so I don't know)
"If only we ever
Just limmed we would never
Need zippers, we'd just use velcro!"
--- Anon

A tidbit on Egypt's King Tut.
The peasants must never "tut tut."
One Tut-the law read
"Tut Tut" and you're dead.
Unless you can prove that you stut-.
--- Irving Superior

There once was a king known as Tut,
Who said when he went off his nut,
"If there is a queer amid
The walls of this pyramid,
I'll find him and then fuck his butt!"
--- David Miller

A generous ruler, King Wenceslas,
Was arrested because of his pence-lessness.
They put him away
For a year and a day,
In an orgy of cold-hearted senselessness.

(Good King Sauerkraut looked out, on his feets uneven - McW)
--- Richard Gaskell

There once was a monarch named Darius,
Whose habits were rather nefarious.
He'd lie in the grass
With his crown on his ass,
Saying, "Alas, how my kingdom's precarious!"
--- G2307

Czarinas, dictators, and kings
Go in for the goddamnedest things,
Like unnatural sex
With this queen or that rex --
It sends them on gossamer wings

On decadent Las Vegas flings.
--- Armand E Singer 932

The king on a stamp was portrayed --
Not his face, but his ass was displayed.
So the subjects en masse
Could all lick his ass,
And thus homage by all would be paid.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2236

King Cole was a merry soul since
His Queen choked to death on a quince.
He'd a baby son, Sly.
When a dame took his eye,
He'd invite her to look at his Prince.

(better than etchings - McW)
--- Laurence Perrine P8308

There once was a King in a palace,
Who drank wine from a gem-studded chalice.
While his kingdom decayed,
And his subjects, dismayed,
Grew embittered with anger and malice
--- John Eggerton P0106

Who wants me for a protegee? Nary a
Patron, oh what could be scarier?
Now "Rock and Roll" gets
All the rich space cadets
Like Ludwig, Mad King of Bavaria.
--- Robin K Willoughby P8602

Monarchy was a grand thing,
Especially if you were the King.
To get money, you'd tax,
Your opponents you'd axe,
And of concubines have quite a string.
--- Warrick Elrod

Sneered the mistress of Peter the King,
"I'm returning the jewels and your ring.
The view from your castle
Ain't worth all the hassle,
And your throne, like your prick, s'no big thing."
--- Armand E Singer 163

They have such a number of things
That kings should be happy as kings!
But to live every day
On such public display,
Must it not give their happiness strings?
--- Laurence Perrine P8308

Then said the King of the Czechs:
"I, too, have a problem in sex.
The men of my nation
Prefer masturbation,
My women are physical wrecks."
--- G1046

A devious young lady named Alice,
Sought to live out her life in a palace.
So with mouth and by hand,
And a pussy most grand,
She pleasures the king's royal phallus.
--- Lims For Year - 01

"The best part is right in the middle,"
King Alfred said, dousing the griddle,
"Though the bottoms and tops
Of my cakes are burnt flops,
Between you can eat, just a tiddle!"
--- Prof M-G TP9806

Though the butler proceeded to lick,
He failed to erect the King's prick.
Said the butler, "Your Majesty --
Indeed, what a travesty!
How come that my ass does the trick?"
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0849

There once was a nice little kingdom,
That the rich folks considered their flingdom.
In the peasant revolt
When the King tried to bolt,
The rebels squared off and soon winged 'em.
--- Neal Wilgus P8308

A royal handmaiden named Bess
Caught the King is a state of undress.
Said she, wet with pleasure,
As her quim took his measure:
"My ruler's twelve inches, no less!"
--- Ronald R Jay P8308 A

If you travel the world on a spree,
Go visit the kings if they're free.
(If you're in Iraq
While it's under attack,
It's the safest place there, you could be!)
--- Anon

A passionate courtier of yore
Made love to the king's favorite whore;
In the course of a diddle,
Found the king in the middle,
And didn't know which he liked more.
--- William K Alsop Jr

A horny young king from Krung Thep
Took one truly costly misstep.
Espied not with some elf
But abusing himself.
It really did ruin his rep.
--- Armand Singer

The King was an uncommon lout
Whose reign caused the peasants to shout,
"We will wreck everything
And throw over the King!"
The King cried, "Serf's up! Let's get out!"
--- John Dohner P8803

A tourist of note is O'Neill;
His case is now up for appeal;
As a matter of fact
He was caught in the act:
Cheap sex with the King of Castille.
--- Armand Singer

This tale of the late king of Spain
Implies that he was insane.
He leapt from a plane,
Met the ground with great pain,
And that was the end of his reign.
--- Rory Ewins

K was a kind-hearted King
Who once taught a bird how to sing,
By knocking a pan
With the knob of a fan,
And a kettle tied on to a string.
--- Edmund Dulac 1908 (Bibby)

This is file zdl

Now words are a relative thing --
They make many an argument ring.
What passes for gasses
From the asses of masses
Is called flatulence in a king.
--- Rambling Rose A

The last time I dined with the King,
He did a remarkable thing:
As he sat on the stool,
And foldled his tool,
He remarked, "If I play, will you sing?"
--- L1457

There's a monarch who knows no repose
For he's dressed in a dual trunk hose
And ever there itches
Some part of his breeches
How he stands it the Lord only knows.

(Joyce comments on the Austro-Hungarian Empire)
--- James Joyce P9007

I don't know who told good King Hal
That Kathryn was my sleeping pal,
But he blew his top
And gave her the chop;
That's the unkindest cut et al.
--- Anon

The king pinched the ass of Miss Depter
And said that in bed he'd accept her.
She was slow to respond
To the king's royal wand,
So he first pepped her up with his scepter.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0680

The King tossed and turned in his bed.
"I cannot get comfy," he said.
Then the queen told the king,
"You're a silly old thing!
You've still got your crown on your head!"
--- Funfax Limericks

King Wenceslas heard someone shout,
"There's a boy with a snowball about!"
It went staight in his ear,
And since then, every year
The Good King has always looked out.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

There was an old king in his castle,
Who said to a pretty young vassal,
"Some day when the Queen
Is bowling this green,
Let's go in the parlour and wrassle."
--- Limber Limericks

Our Queen, so surprisingly fair
In complexion and beauty (both rare),
Was irked by report
Which implied that in court
Her judgments were only "just fair."
--- Laurence Perrine P8308

She tracked down the source to its lair;
And summoned her chief axe-man there.
But the source kept his head,
Said, "My liege, you're misled.
I called all your judgments 'Just! Fair!'"
--- Laurence Perrine P8308

The air did turn bright green
When a fart came out of the Queen.
The court sat aghast
At that royal blast,
But stood and sang 'God Save The Queen!"
--- Duncan Cline

A limerick, terribly crass,
Was stamped on the Queen Mother's ass,
Which she put on display
About noon every day,
In a large, oval frame made of brass.
--- Cap'n Bean

We quite liked the castle at Skipton,
Though the place was so wet, we got dripped on.
There's a quaint old latrine
That was used by the queen,
But they don't have the bed that she kipped on.
--- Tom Baker P8806

The queen heard the butler's large phallus
Was enhanced by an intriguing callus.
She said, "That guy's prick'll
Provide me with tickle."
So she stripped and caroused in the palace.
--- Al Willis P9802

When the Queen viewed the prick of the King,
No joy to her face did it bring.
She said in despair,
"Try fucking my mare,
Or perhaps you can do your own thing."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0232

"The Queen", so an editor said,
"Was pleased when a page gave her head.
But was more pleased when two
Did a synchronized do,
While the Queen did a double-page spread."
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner

The Queen a new law once did make:
Of pussy no man could partake.
So the poor did entreat,
"Tell us, what can we eat?"
Said the Queen, "You can always eat steak."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0854

The ambassador Hermann von Bliss
Said, "Something, I fear, is amiss.
The terms I projected,
By the Queen were rejected,
For she farted and said, "Here's a kiss."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-1191

A lord, who was known for his spryness,
Would finger most anyone's thigh-nest.
The lord lost his ring,
Offending the King;
He found it up Her Royal Highness.
--- H Welchel

The queen had no sex for a year,
For the knights in her kingdom were queer.
Then, away in a glen,
She found hetero men,
And she fucked herself silly, the dear!
--- Cap'n Bean P9811

Said the Queen of Rumania while shitting:
"This nauseous act I'm committing
Suits only the common herd.
That we Royals must turd,
I consider both gross and unfitting."
--- G1452

Last night as I slept with the Queen,
She begged as she fingered my spleen,
"Honey, please douse the light,
Make our pad black as night,
For the Queen may be had but not seen!"
--- Sex to Sexty P8808

A king sadly said to his queen,
"In parts you have grown far from lean."
"I don't give a damn,
You've always liked ham",
She replied, and he gasped, "How obscene!"
--- L1586

There was a young lady of Spain
Who couldn't go out in the rain.
For she'd lent her umbrella,
To Queen Isabella,
Who never returned it again.
--- Archie

When the queen dined with John Jacob Astor,
She claimed he could never outlast her.
But she failed to account
For his intricate mount,
And resources superior and vaster.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0031

The queen from attackers once flew
And cried when her horse dropped a shoe.
"Oh, my kingdom will fail
For the want of a nail!"
But the kingdom was saved by a screw.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2046

There was a young man from Madrid
Who yelled at the queen, "Oh you kid!"
The scandalized queen
Said, "What do you mean?
You just kiss my ass?" So he did.
--- G0125

This knight who had wantonly mated
The Queen and her lady who'd waited,
Was hung by the balls
From yon dungeon walls,
But made his escape when castrated.
--- SFA

Vance failed with his lance to entrance;
The Queen gave him nary a glance.
But the law came that day
And put him away
In a cell where he raves and he rants.
--- John Miller

The jail doubled up as a manse,
Where the bishop would oft take his chance;
Where doubling our hero,
Inserting his spear-o
Which stance made our Vance prance and dance.
--- Tiddy Ogg

It is verily true, sure enough,
That escape can be terribly tough.
And we must conclude
That the nurse misconstrued;
It is truly exceedingly rough.
--- Donald McGill

With gonads now left in yon shackle,
He jousted with half of his tackle.
Fair maidens had moaned
As they were being boned,
But Vance is now making them cackle.
--- SFA

The unfortunate knight, dear old Vance,
At last changed his name into Lance.
Now he thinks he's on Venus
And hunts for his penis,
While he wanders around in a trance.
--- Nawahl

Sir Leroy George Washington Kappel,
Purveyor of corn-cakes and scrapple,
Was just seventeen
When endorsed by the Queen,
Who appointed his meat to her chapel.
--- Anon