Last night I went on a blind date;
I have to say she was first-rate.
Though she was real quiet...
And should change her diet,
'Cause she was somewhat underweight!
--- Observer

At kissing the girl was quite skilled,
Though her lips were just slightly chilled.
She made my heart flutter,
I melted like butter...
I felt that my life was fulfilled.
--- Observer

There's one thing that bothers me, though,
The answer, one of you may know.
Please offer suggestion
To this thorny question:
Like why was that tag on her toe?
--- Observer

I try hard to please you in bed;
Passion lacks; was it something I said?
When I ask how's it been,
You just lie there and grin;
Ohmygod! They just told me your dead!
--- Allen Wolverton

A cold date who will not palaver
Is one whom you always can have her;
With feelings of chalk,
Of sex she'll not talk,
And act just like Lady Cadaver.
--- Travis Brasell

Well heavens to Betsy, good lord!
I must have been out of my gourd.
'Cause while I was talkin',
She just lay there gawkin',
And I thought that she was just bored.
--- Observer

Man, next time just untie her sash,
And rendezvous with her nice gash;
Although it is dusty,
And smells a bit musty,
She's really a great piece of ash.
--- Travis Brasell

Reflecting a churchyard in Stoke,
Enjoying some coke and a toke
Of this very good pot,
I'm thinking I ought
To give a cadaver a poke.
--- Hugh Clary

I don't want to seem too demeaning,
But want you to catch double meaning,
Of which I am sure
Is a trifle obscure,
To Morons and kids just past weaning.
--- John Miller

I've learned here of going to bed
With lassies quite recently dead...
Though true, they're good fun
When warmed by the sun,
I swear that they give lousy head.
--- John Miller

The dead men you ladies have squired,
I'm sure that they never got tired.
Though it might come off
In the midst of a boff,
I doubt any babies were sired.
--- John Miller

An outhouse was chosen for sin,
But the couple broke through and fell in.
They lay there interred,
From which I've inferred
Their get up had it up to the chin.
--- John Miller

Horrid thing happened in Whittingham,
Though nobody there like admitting 'em.
Necrophilia was
Abolished because
Some rotten old cunt went and split on 'em.
--- Michael Horgan

A cadaver, all smelly and stiff
Was displayed in a room at The Riff;
And, before very long,
A most curious throng
Came to pay for a peek and a sniff.
--- Cap'n Bean P0410

There once was a wino named Mack,
Who kept a dead cat in a sack.
The puss decomposed
And so Mack kept closed
The bag, 'less he wanted some crack.
--- H Welchel

There was a grave-robber named Fred,
Whose hobby was shagging the dead.
One night on the snatch,
He then met his match,
So he threw down his shovel and fled.
--- SFA

Along came another one, Alice,
Whose desire for a throbbing dead phallus
Was met (this is weird)
By a man with a beard,
Who was once with the Cowboys from Dallas.
--- John Miller

But as for the body, don't waste it;
Just clean it and stuff it and baste it.
If a girl, take your thrill
Then put on the grill
And call in your neighbors to taste it.
--- John Miller

My roommate, young Burk, I'm afraid,
Pursued an unsavory trade,
Which caused him some strain
To entirely explain
Why he slipped out each night with a spade.
--- Darrell Schweitzer P0503

Melissa (unfortunate lass)
Decomposingg and bloated with gas,
Was exhumed in the fall,
And was voted by all
Necrophiliacs, "Best Piece of Ass".
--- Peter Wilkins

When finished, they gave her a scrub,
And rendered her down in a tub.
Then preserved the poor lass
As a putrescent mass
At the Young Necrophiliacs Club.
--- Peter Wilkins

Those jokes about death are disgasting,
And lewdly and greatly aghasting.
Sitting there in the shed,
Giving a young corpse head!
To me is just flabbergasting!
--- Jim Weaver Collection

"If only you'd show me", I said.
Just a smidgeon of interest in bed.
Just a smile? Just a sigh?
Just a touch on my thigh?
Just a ... shit; I forgot you were dead."
--- Peter Wilkins

Your sick mind is working OT,
And quite too grotesquely for me.
When screwing the dead,
You should get some head.
Discard from the neck to the knee.
--- Rusty Smith

The finest of head? Sally Binks.
Although she's long dead and she stinks.
When giving a shove,
Her eyes fill with love.
And pulling it out, Sally winks.
--- H Welchel

Necrophilia's always been cursed,
By the friction, and bodies that burst!
So wrap corpse with tape
And before you go ape,
It is best to go down on her first.
--- David Miller

Hermit Dave long rejected the palm,
But has lover who's quite cool and calm;
I can't recommend
The ways of our friend;
Too cheap to finance living balm.
--- Chris Papa

"Whatever I didn't or did,
To publish it now I forbid.
It's merely a rumour;
I didn't exhume her,
And don't own a Corgi called Sid."
--- Peter Wilkins

I had just told a corpse, "I'll fulfill ya,"
When the Governor banned necrophilia.
It would have been grand
But I did save her hand, (see Tom Lehrer)
As an item of memorabilia.

(Governor Arnold of Calif sign anti necrophilia bill 2004)
--- Ward Hardman

But heavens, what harm can it do,
To give some dead lovely a screw.
It may be dead boring,
But it's cheaper than whoring;
What's poor hermit Dave going to do?
--- David Miller

I'll have you know my name is Dave;
The bloke with the corpse in the cave.
You find it reassuring
That I don't find it boring.
Each day I dig up a new grave.
--- David Miller

A fifteen-year-old necrophile
Said he'd dig six feet or a mile.
For he had a cold passion
For the fetish in fashion,
And the living had gone out of style.
--- Anon

Now what in the world could be grander
Than knobbing the lovely Amanda,
Whose quivering flesh
Keeps surprisingly fresh
In these buckets beneath my verandah?
--- Anon

This is file tjl

Young Joe, a novitiate priest,
Keeps his knob-end in trim and well-greased
For those nights of delights,
When he gives the last rites,
To the newly and freshly deceased.
--- Peter Wilkins

I agree that you ought to be miffed
By this rude necrophiliac gift.
But in the grand scheme,
You'd be foolish to dream
That it's the last time you'll get stiffed.
--- Anon

Bard Frank's in New York, it's been said,
Just roaming the streets wearing red
Designer pajamas,
Mailed from the Bahamas,
While searching for whores who are dead.
--- Travis Brasell

Is owt in this life any sillier
Than waiting for hours getting chillier
Than ice, as one's date
Thaws to just the right state,
To indulge in one's lust, necrophilia?
--- Peter Wilkins

So after these last few you've read,
You can't take your mind off the dead.
But if your will fails,
Deceased tell no tails,
Except for new holes, enough said.
--- Phil T

October, there's a chill on the breeze.
The leaves lose their grip on the trees.
And frost-hardened soil
Means back-breaking toil
To dig up and fuck dear Louise.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Louise, I remember her well;
The ooze, the slime and the smell.
And the flies 'round her head.
Now that she's dead,
Have the softer parts started to jell?
--- Tiddy Ogg

Well, perhaps there's a bit of aroma
That's grown since she fell in that coma.
But keeping her cool,
'Neath the ground, by the pool,
Ensures she don't get melanoma.
--- Tiddy Ogg

If for love, you must dig in the clart,
Your toils tug the strings of my heart.
But love labor's not lost.
Do say grace to the frost,
As it keeps her from falling apart.
--- Ulla

You may think it is pure desperation
That leads me to such machination.
Though Lou ain't too hot,
No headache she's got,
And never that damned menstruation.
--- Tiddy Ogg

I tell you, alas and alack,
There's maggots down deep in her crack.
They make her divine
But, dammit, they're MINE,
And I'm pissed that I can't get them back.

Dead women, more often than not,
Are available before they rot.
Though stiff as a rock,
Dead women don't talk,
So it's unlikely that you will get caught.
--- Phil T

There once was a floozie named Grace,
Who kept a dead john at her place.
She said, "I'll admit
His pension is shit,
But to waste it would be a disgrace!"
--- John Miller

"Just what in the world could be grander
Than screwing the lovely Amanda?"
"But Jesus; she's dead!"
"Yes I know," panted Ted,
As he humped her beneath the verandah.
--- Peter Wilkins

I have this "friend" named Fred,
Though the thought of him fills me with dread.
His girl slipped into a coma
From acute hematoma;
But he fucks her though she is half-dead.
--- Anon

He asked, "Why do you call me a freak?
Is it 'cause I make love a la greek?
Although she isn't active,
My partner's attractive
And she's only been dead for a week."
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0112

With your Lawyer I can't come to terms;
I like something which wriggles and squirms.
I in fact keep a whore
Whom, though dead, I adore--
But to screw her's a real can of worms.
--- Anon

There once was a fellow named Ned;
A Casanova he was, so 'tis said.
But his conquests were cheap.
Love's fruits he would reap
With great rigor for mortis in bed.
--- Phil T

A pervert who rode a bicycle
Would bugger road-kill with his pickle.
A bloated old deer
Felt pleasantly queer;
The maggot-squirms gave him a tickle!
--- H Welchel

When boffing cadavers, the fear
That's greatest, at first, does appear
To be the foul smell.
But I'm here to tell...
Don't worry -- it's gone in a year!
--- Anon

There was a young fellow named Norm
Whose wife was hurt out in a storm.
He conveyed her inside,
But then she promptly died,
So he had her while she was still warm.
--- Albin Chaplin

To abattoires often I go
For the meat there reminds me of Flo.
Who was stolen I fear
From my freezer last year,
And was eaten by vultures, you know.
--- Peter Wilkins

Necrophilia's always been cursed,
By the friction, and bodies that burst!
So wrap corpse with tape
And before you go ape,
It is best to go down on her first.

They cannot appreciate sushi
Or Brahms, or even Mancusi
The fresh ones are dry
Needing lots of KY
And only when ripe are they juicy

I've received a brochure from Club Dead
And I think that I may go ahead
And spend my next hol. (holiday?)
With chicks who don't stall
Nor even demand to be fed!
--- Anon

Ne'er tried it? Well, give it a whack!
Morticians all merrily quack:
"They won't give you hell
With a scream or a yell;
Their fingernails won't claw your back."
--- Anon

A warlock who came from Anguilla,
Used to masturbate whilst his familiar,
Had sex with the dead.
It is called, so I've read,
"Vicarious necrophilia."
--- Anon

A soldier found Sue near the front
And soon was abusing her cunt.
But Sue didn't mind;
She was deaf, dumb, and blind,
And brain-dead as well, to be blunt.
--- John Miller

There once was a pickled old floozy
Known as Old Gooseberry Suzie.
She once tried to mate
With a corpse laid in state;
Guess at her age you can't be too choosy.
--- ROE

She climbed on the top of his prong,
Which stood up so straight and so long.
She 'ooed' and she 'aahed',
As she played with his prod;
When she came, his balls rang like a gong!
--- ROE

By golly, you'd never believe it!
The corpse got a grip on her clit slit.
When she finished her screwing,
She yelled, "What are you doing?"
He replied, "I've never felt so fit!"
--- ROE

So they spent the next week in the hay,
Engaging in erotic play.
It just proves that the dead
Can be quite good in bed,
If you'll just let them have their own way.
--- ROE

There was a young girl of Belgrave
Who kept a dead man in a cave.
She said, "Though he is old
And he's terribly cold,
Yet he's better than my husband Dave.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2857

There once was a woman named Kit
Who made love to a dead man named Britt.
She got quite a tiff
Going down on the stiff,
But she cried the next day when Britt split!
--- Jim Weaver Collection a