A TV producer named Barry,
Spent most of his days feeling merry.
When not in production,
He practiced seduction;
He has kids from Killinchy to Kerry!
--- Arthur Pattaffy

An American news reader called Sissal,
Had a figure that made viewers whistle.
Listeners heard not the news,
They just said "aahs" and "oohs";
It was this that led to her dismissal!
--- Arthur Pattaffy

Every home has at least one TV.
We look for what we want to see.
From entertainment to crime,
We can watch all the time;
All this for a small license fee!
--- Arthur Pattaffy

A TV addict called John Doe;
Watched all day, every night, every show.
If asked out for a while,
He'll shake his head and smile,
"There's something to see. I can't go."
--- Arthur Pattaffy

There was a young lady named Marty,
Who considered herself quite a smarty.
Her choice of men dates
Did not please her girl mates;
They thought she was acting too tarty.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

In his Man-to-Man talk, Dad said, "Sonny,
Never mind if you don't make much money.
If life, Jam on your bread
Isn't what feeds the head --
Just make sure you choose the right Honey."
--- Val Burns P0609

An insecure fellow was Vince;
When ladies would smile, he would wince.
As a youth in the park
He had plenty of spark,
But of late he was all out of flints.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2830a

Romance ain't about private parts,
It deals with the meeting of hearts.
The trick is to wait
Until they can mate,
Or go spend your time chasing tarts.
--- Anon

If a man and a maiden are matchable,
Then one of them has to be catchable.
And the one who is catching
For the purpose of matching,
Has got to be fully attachable.
--- Limber Limericks

An ex-soviet (now a Russian)
Was arrested for playing percussion
In Moscow's Red Square,
While totally bare,
To a girl he said he had a crush on.
--- Barrie Collins P9603

There lived a great beast in this land,
Who knew he was monsterous, and
So hoped that some beauty
Would think him a cutie,
And things worked out just as he'd planned.
--- Norm Storer P0408

There was a young maiden from Ewing
Who studied up on all the wooing.
She learned it so well,
That soon she could tell
The billing from all of the cooing.
--- Lims Unlimited

The dove in the tree is a-cooing,
The lover, his lass is a-wooing.
By buying her gifts,
The trader's heart lifts,
For cash in his till he's accruing.
--- Tiddy Ogg

A single young lady, Miss Durban,
Found life rather dull and suburban,
Until one fine week
She was wooed by a Sikh,
And he let her look under his turban.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

A cantankerous maiden's shy suitor
Built a hugh biorhythm computer,
Which picks safest days,
Amplitude and phase,
Specifically not to dispute her.
--- Paul Niquette

Young Rudolpho, a suitor so bold,
Said to Mimi, or so we've been told,
"I'll say this for a start,
You must have a warm heart,
Because, Mimi, your hand's icy cold."
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0303

When you're dating today, there is strife.
You don't know just how fate rules your life.
You could end up like me,
In a quandary, you see;
With my first girlfriend's husband's ex-wife.
--- Limerick Man

Modest building contractor, George Shnee,
Did his courting on site with iced tea.
He would say to all questions
Concerning erections,
Let's talk about buildings, not me.
--- David A Brooks Q

Of circumlocutions we've got
Some good ones, and some that are not.
"His current squeeze",
And "Somebody she's
Been seeing," obscure what is what.
--- Nick Lanyon

At least you give romance a chance:
A wink or a long sexy glance
Will flutter more hearts.
Than those active parts
That look like a dance in your pants.
--- Anon

Those shadows don't fall, they are thrown
By structures of wood and of stone.
And they're just one more sign
Of the passing of time...
Soon I'm Darby and you'll be my Joan.
--- Tiddy Ogg

A naive young coed named Gig
Was an expert in math and in trig.
She presumed it was great
To be asked for a date,
But could not tell a date from a fig.
--- Albin Chaplin

As they stood embraced, on the lawn,
Said Sue, "Can you walk me home, John?"
Responded John, "No,
I'm sorry, can't go;
'Cause we're gonna eat soon as you're gone!"
--- Observer

Two maidens were seated at tea,
Discussing the things that might be.
"I think I'll wed Willie,"
Said Molly to Milly,
"That is, if he asks me, you see."
--- Anon

Courting a gal is excitin',
With valleys and hills to delight in.
As things get more manic,
Eruptions volcanic
Result in the pair's passions heighten.
--- Tiddy Ogg

A young telephoniste from Bright
Was working all day and all night.
She was working alone
All day on the phone,
And was faxing her boyfriend all night.
--- Werner

An amorous fellow of Scone
Was for callousness very well known.
To a girlfriend named Bess
He said, "Were you less
Forthcoming, I'd be forth goin'!"
--- Robust Ribald Rude P9703

I found a maid in Gloster
And very nearly lost her;
Her parents said
My brain was dead,
But they were only foster.
--- Limber Limericks

And now there's the typical male,
With his mathematical detail.
It matters not
If we call it aught --
It's still the same game of cock/tail!
--- Ericka

A stolid young fellow of Vichy
Was asked if for girls he was itchy.
He said, "No thank you, dear,
For I already fear
That I have one that's grouchy and bitchy.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2829

I finally said I would not mind
A blind date that my friends would find.
He said I was short
And, "Is that a wart?"
Come on -- there's no WAY that he's blind!
--- Anon

A city boy from Boston, Mass.
Fell in love with a buxom farm lass.
He was fond of her cows,
Pig, chickens and sows,
But his favorite, by far, was her ass.
--- Wiley

An affectionate man from Woonsocket
Bought his girlfrined a shiny new locket.
On his way to his date,
He lost out to a straight.
There was nothing to do but to hock it.
--- J Maynard Kaplan

This is file spm

My sweetheart, your birthday is here;
I've bought you a Hoover, my dear.
And new rubber gloves
Just to show that I loves
You -- they'll last for the rest of the year.
--- Peter Wilkins

To Lori, who's in Pennsylvania,
I'm sorry to say I must train ya'
To act really dumb,
Moronic and glum,
Else how will my parents explain ya'?
--- Jim Weaver Collection

A smasher, by crashing, would mash her;
A slasher, by gashing, would trash her;
A dasher would pash; (Aussie for kiss)
A flasher, abash,
But bashers, by fashion, would thrash her.
--- Rory Ewins

In Essex the girls love their blokes;
Don't like to be thought of as jokes.
Each cute blond Sharon
Has her lagered Darren;
They think they are just normal folks.
--- Tony Burrell

I swoon at the sight of your toes;
I swoon for your sweet little nose;
I swoon when my eyes
Spy the top of your thighs
And I...why are you leaving me, Rose?
--- Peter Wilkins

John waltzed into town. Though a hobo,
In disguise he came playing an oboe.
Marsha needed a date.
He became her soul mate,
But it started with John as her faux beau.

(John and Marsha was a comedy record in early 50's)
--- Hilde na Beag

"I wuv you," thaid Ron to young Ethel,
And threw himself forward to wrestle;
But found that hith kitheth
Fell not on his mitheth
But thomewhere dithguthting on Thethil.
--- Peter Wilkins

There once was a young Portuguese
Who suffered from knobbily knees.
His girl said, "They're bumpy.
You lap is too lumpy.
Oh, pad them with wadding, dear, please."
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

The doc warned a fellow of Lansing,
"You must cease your excessive romancing.
Too much wine, maids, and song
And you will not live long."
So he eased up a bit on his dancing.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2655a

In this life we'd all like to be booked
By a lover, and find ourselves hooked.
Or the least you'd concur
Is most of us prefer
To be looked over, not overlooked.
--- Val Burns P0510Q

I'm glad that you finally found,
Time to come back to this playground.
Looking for playmates,
You won't have to wait,
Too long, there is plenty around.
--- Anon

I got me a buddy named Beth;
I swoon just to drink in her breath.
I must idolize
Her stunning brown eyes,
And worship her unto my death.
--- H Welchel

A pimpled, pubescent raw lad,
Whose habits and manners are bad,
Will quickly progress
From being a mess
To lover, then husband, and dad.
--- R J Winkler P8502

I was thinking thoughts geographical,
Ignoring the factors polatical,
Almost hemispherica --
I'd love to have your autographical.
--- Anon

A sensitive lady of Chelsea
Spent a nice weekend at Selsea.
When asked if alone,
She said, "Mind your own.
I'm just not going to tell, see!"
--- Anon

Some maintain 'twixt the tomato bisque
And the Deli, there's less of a risk
Of gross aggravation,
If the assignation
Seems a chance meeting and not a tryst.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0105

There was a young girl from Des Moines
Excessively laden with coin.
She eloped with a gent
With a Brooklyn accent,
Who boasts, "We'll have money to boin."
--- Glimmerick Book P9010

A youth and a maiden from Cossey,
Sat and talked on a bank that was mossy.
After six hours of this,
The youth ventured a kiss,
Not exactly a speed-merchant, was he?
--- S C Turner

I never get flowers at work
'Cause my Charlie's such a big jerk.
He goes to get flowers
But it takes him hours
To give my bouquet to the clerk.
--- Anon

Since first choice is not granted to all
When in love we are destined to fall,
'Tis far better to court
And to love someone short
That not ever to have loved a tall.
--- William N Nesbit P9603

I see jewelry and diamonds no end,
For guys who have real dough to spend.
So I phoned Tiffany
(The call was toll free)
And told them, "On me, don't depend."
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0401

Such hearty good eaters the Polacks!
They at one meal eat a whole ox!
They're good suitors too,
If the girls that they woo
Leave their bedroom doors open, with no locks.
--- Laurence Perrine P8911

A man should not search out a lay
At the place where he's earning his pay.
He should not get his honey
Where he's making the money,
And should not let his meat loaf all day.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2664

An old-fashioned lady from Spain
Said, "Suitors should wait in the rain,
And any young fellas
Who put up umbrellas
Shall not be invited again."
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

Thus asked at a ball was young Balfour,
"Now what do you stand by the wall for?"
He replied, rather sour,
"I'm just a wall flower,
And there's nobody here I can fall for."
--- Albin Chaplin

This fellow I know who is gay,
He offered me flowers. No way
Would I take that bunch
'Cause I have a hunch,
This play is his way to display.
--- Gary Hallock

If romance you want, think of flowers
Or candlelight dinners in bowers --
Don't think about parts,
Or lusty old tarts,
Or humping and panting for hours?
--- Anon

The poor lass was sad and quite low;
Alone, she had nowhere to go.
A lad came along
And sang her his song,
And salvaged her soul with a beau.
--- Maggie

I phone up my girl for a date;
She's unhappy because it's so late.
"Get a life", she complains.
I'm obsessed, she maintains;
Point of view that I cannot debate.
--- Joel D Ash P0510Q

There is an old geezer of Frimley
Who seems to remember, but dimly,
The days when persuadin'
A kiss from a maiden
Took decades of wooin' her grimly.
--- Peter Wilkins

It's said that when ones love is yonder,
Then "Absence make the heart grow fonder."
Yet, "Out of sight, out of mind",
Tends the first to rescind.
I fear there is some cause to wonder.
--- Stan Payne P8509

A young German fraulein, Ludmilla,
Had a boyfriend known as a killer.
He treated her roughly,
But added quite gruffly,
That she was his own granadilla. (passion flower)
--- Arthur Pattaffy

There was a young man in Peoria,
Who remarked to a girl, I adore ya.
Our young lives asymptotic
Must be symbiotic."
She replied,"That's a phantasmagoria."
--- Lowdown Higher Ed P9306

A young girl from old Silverknife,
Thought she'd met the man in her life.
Like a beautiful dream,
She'd have married him,
If she'd not met his beautiful wife.
--- Darcy