Said a carnivore, less than discreet,
"Those vegans are bullshit replete!
If I can't have a feast
On the flesh of a beast,
Then why is it made out of meat?"

(apologies to Flanders and Swan)
--- Hugh Clary

Keep your shirts on and hold on t'your hats;
Don't threaten me with baseball bats;
The Yanks have sold Coons
For quite a few moons.
They're big furry sweet pussy-cats!
--- David Miller Q

Raccoons have a mask across their eyes,
Perhaps attempting to disguise
The nature of their way
That will give way to play.
As a pet, they'll not win a prize.
--- William K Alsop Jr

There once was a knowing raccoon,
Who didn't believe in the moon.
"Every month, don't you see,
There's a new one," said he.
"No real moon would wear out so soon!"
--- M Dodge

I want something new for my pleasure;
Like a dog and a cat for good measure.
For I'm tired of young boys,
And my vibrating toys,
Which I usually use for my leisure.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

There was an old nympho named Spruce
Who wished to get banged by a moose.
Though he sweated and tried,
She was unsatisfied--
The shank of his crank was too loose.
--- G1330

At Christmas, a lady named Thrasher
With three drinks got bolder and brasher.
First she screwed Santa Claus,
Then without any pause,
She had Donder and Blitzen and Dasher.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 G1336

An old maid phoned the Desk and said "Joe,
There's such noise in the room down below."
"Well, they're holding," he sighed
"An Elk's ball just inside."
"Well, then tell'em," she said, "to let go."
--- Anon

A trailer-truck driver named Bruce
Ran into a beast running loose;
I'm happy to say
That the driver's OK,
But that was the end of the moose.
--- Cap'n Bean P0311

There once was a low-flying goose,
Who rear-ended a high stepping moose.
The moose was aghast
At this pain in the ass.
This ain't how you goose a caboose.

(But he grinned as he blasted it loose.)
--- Marsha Magee (Friar)

There once was a deer called Buck,
And into the garden he snuck.
He waited all night
Till the time was just right,
Then jumped out and was hit by a truck!
--- Joebob TP9804

Driving home late last night, I struck
And crashed into a ten-point buck.
In a flash I saw meat,
But he got to his feet,
And ran off with a chunk of my truck.
--- Anon

An odd-looking creature, the moose;
It's almost as big as a hoose.
Though tender when young,
And when properly hung,
I'll be cooking this Christmas a goose.
--- Peter Wilkins

The Scots are all slightly obtuse
With vowels quite hard to deduce.
So don't say your prayers
When Jock complains there's
A Moose that is loose in the hoose.
--- Archie

A moose that's as hard as concrete,
Got that way from drinking booze neat.
In a bar Buuba loaned
Him enough to get stoned.
But he's steady as a rock on his feet.
--- Dan Sullivan

The moose is not known for his beauty.
Compared to the elk, he's no cutie.
But he's got all the tools
And the cows are no fools;
They're quite sated when he's done his duty.
--- Actaeon

A wondrous thing is the moose,
Though his antlers appear to be loose.
His organic droppings
Make good garden toppings,
And we're glad he can't fly like a goose.
--- T Arnold

The moose is not handsome nor svelte,
King's ransom not paid for moose pelt;
Why then elevate?
Moose to symbol of state,
Celebrate him with love so heartfelt.
--- Joel D Ash P0401

In New Hampshire he's on a car plate,
Homely image that folks venerate;
Ungainly, malformed,
Into beauty transformed,
Ugly duckling that no one can hate.
--- Joel D Ash P0401

You'll find him on tee shirts and hats,
Bull moose worn by true democrats;
The travel guys love him,
They often write of him,
Come glimpse one in north habitats.
--- Joel D Ash P0401

But moose can drive drivers stark mad,
A smash into one can be bad;
Egad what a mess!
Excess of distress,
And a death in the crash very sad.
--- Joel D Ash P0401

Moose icon I can't understand,
The slobbering moose far from grand;
Moose madness abstruse,
Image use too profuse,
In its place pine or spruce I'd expand.
--- Joel D Ash P0401

They refused to let the man loose;
He had taught martial arts to a moose.
When told to attack,
It would not stop or turn back.
Survivors want him hung from a noose.
--- Anon

No huge antlered creatures 'round here,
The best that we have is wild deer.
Who'll soon turn and run
From the sound of the gun.
A moose would cause stained shorts, I fear.
--- Anon

The bull moose has nostrils so wide,
You could park the Titanic inside.
The effect of a sneeze:
Leaves fall from the trees
And rabbits in burrows will hide.
--- Tiddy Ogg

This is, to be sure, a neat tick;
To sneeze hard enough to bare stick,
For sticks they do eat.
And it's a nice treat
For the moose, but for me, I'd be sick.
--- Anon

The sticks are not sweet, sour, or malty.
The moose seems to not see this faulty.
It may need a drink;
At least I would think,
For that sneeze has made sticks very salty.
--- Anon

Can you believe this is no spoof?
The radio swore it was truth.
Up in Alaska,
Almost a disaster;
Man had a moose stuck in his roof.
--- Tony Burrell

Max was a real friendly moose.
Every cow, horse, and pig he would goose.
Harassment his crime,
But no slammer time;
His head was put right in the noose.
--- Nancy Henry Kline P9607

Dear waiter, my mousse has a fly!
Great God, are those moose pants I spy?
Not ungulate, Truffle!
Desert with a ruffle!
And not that beast on the lanai!
--- H Welchel

I once went out hunting in Sicamous;
I used my old bugle to trick a moose.
The moose was in rut,
As I ran for my hut.
I was sorry I'd called up so quick a moose!
--- John E Mayhood P0010

A recruit from the bunk underneath
Asked for leave to go home to the heath.
"I am needed again
To geld the deer rein,
'Cause father has lost all his teeth!"
--- Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P0309

Please garage your car, Christmas night,
Or the next day will be no delight.
You'll see what I mean
When you try hard to clean
Off reindeer dung dropped from a height.
--- Anon

This is file lsk

That Rudolph and Yukon Cornelius,
Always up to something quite devious,
Asked Mrs. Claus
To suck on their paws,
In a manner more lewd that the previous.
--- Oddo Von Schlong T9712

The young doe could run fast as a truck.
Her sex life was all out of luck.
All the guys in the herd
Had put out the word,
"She is always passing the buck."
--- Tom Patton P0408

The Swedish style elk is a moose,
To Merkins, while elks on the loose
Are really a deer,
A wapiti, I hear,
And a Scots moose will squeak, I deduce.
--- Tiddy Ogg

"It's spring," said the first, "so it's brown."
The second said "Gray" with a frown;
They turned to the third,
But none of them heard
What he said as the train ran them down.
--- Mad Zeno

One day Captain Ahab set sail,
To get once again on the trail,
Over mountainous seas,
In hurricane breeze,
In search of Big Dick, the sperm whale.
--- Tiddy Ogg

A poor set of crew he has chose,
The lot of them landlubber Joes;
In gentlest swell,
You'd hear bo'sun yell,
As one rushed to the rail: "There she throws!"
--- Tiddy Ogg

The ship's called "The Star Of The East,"
She's 50 years old now at least.
She once traded cotton;
Her hull now is rotten,
Not fit to go hunting that beast.
--- Tiddy Ogg

The mate at the store cupboard door,
Hands soap out - one bar to each four,
And thus does he bawl:
"If troubles befall,
At least it may wash you ashore."
--- Tiddy Ogg

From Kingston-on-Hull north she goes;
Soon icicles hang from each nose.
Cries old seaman Staines:
"This stuff sure ain't rain."
Says bo'sun "No lad, thar she snows!"
--- Tiddy Ogg

So onward, round Iceland she goes;
The steam in the boiler has froze.
The young cabin boy
Yells "Icebergs ahoy!"
The bo'sun nods, "Aye, there be floes."
--- Tiddy Ogg

This lad, though he started off coy,
When crewmen drink rum he'll enjoy
Their talk about dames.
The men love such games --
And Roger the young cabin boy.
--- Tiddy Ogg

At Greenland they stop for a spell;
In bar-rooms they really raise hell.
They're thrown in the slammer,
And there a bell's clamour
Is heard... that's the Eskimo knell.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Once more when afloat in that crate,
Poor Roger meets old Jonah's fate.
Advice he has spurned,
No lesson's been learned,
The fool's used himself as the bait.
--- Tiddy Ogg

He'd slipped on his wee bit of soap,
And though for the rail he did grope,
His grasp bore no fruit.
However, his boot
Got caught in an old pile of rope.
--- Tiddy Ogg

This tale's getting long now, for sure,
So 'fore all you folk start to snore,
I'll cut things down short:
They sail back to port,
And very soon all are ashore...
--- Tiddy Ogg

The whole crew? Well not altogether,
For there, while she's bulled through the weather,
Behind them they trail,
The bloody great whale,
And Rog on the end of his tether.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Although for poor Rog death was close,
He's freed, and as everyone knows,
Much time in the drink,
Makes you wrinkled and pink,
As the bo'sun said "Aye, there he glows."
--- Tiddy Ogg

You neglected the cry that arose
When a mermaid was spotted with hose,
In the singular cavity
That she has for depravity;
"Ahoy, Captain Ahab, she blows!"
--- Tiddy Ogg

There once was a time when baleen
Would adorn every socialite queen
In a corset; no fail.
Now it stays in the whale.
As for krill, straining isn't their scene.
--- Rory Ewins

A young playboy porpoise named Flipper,
Needs help when it comes to his zipper.
Though the pay is just fair,
Help is always right there;
It is said he's a very big tipper.
--- Pierce Evans

There once was a laddie from Wales
Whose demise was accompanied by wails.
The seafaring bloke
Was poked in midstroke,
Harpooning a pod of blue whales.
--- Brine

I've got an idea for the flicks,
To make millions, at least five or six.
PETA members will cry;
Whale lovers will sigh.
Let's catch Willie and make him do tricks.

(PETA - People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals)
--- Les Stewart

The voice from the UFO cried
"To the smartest, we'll give a free ride."
Several men volunteered,
But the ship disappeared
With a whale and two dolphins inside.
--- VOL 7

A bottle-nosed dolphin named Chad
Went surfing with his mom and dad.
When they got back
They felt like a snack,
And ate up a small school of shad.
--- H Welchel

A limerick written on whales
Would surely evoke such lewd tales
That I think Moby Dick
Might become very sick
And puke clear through Ahab's sails.
--- John Dohner P8901

A whale is a mammal, you say,
And a dolphin who swims in the bay.
But did you consider
The two may be bitter,
They're related to us in this way.
--- Vertech Limerick Contest

There was a young lady named Spring
And saving the whales was her thing.
But I'm not so grand,
You understand,
'Cause I just save stamps and some string.
--- Jim Weaver Collection a

Sometimes I dress up like a kipper,
In a tight-fitting gown with a zipper.
I do a cartwheel
And dance with an eel,
Then I go out to dinner with Flipper.
--- Bill Wall

A great whaler was Ishmael Tunum,
In the days when they used to harpoon 'em;
In the midst of a herd,
He believed it absurd,
To kill only E Pluribus Unum.
--- J Maynard Kaplan

The sad tale of a whale near Vancouver,
In her anguish they had to remove her;
When a single sea trout
Became lodged in her spout,
No one dared do a Heimlich Maneuver.
--- J Maynard Kaplan

A tailor bought strong linen bales,
Which he cleverly sewed into sails.
Though they seemed rather large,
They were not for a barge,
He made them for tired old whales.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada

One Winter, the Cap'n set sail
In search of the fabled Sperm Whale.
But he was so dumb,
He got covered in come,
Just because he went beyond the pail. (pale?)
--- Cubby

Are dolphins intelligent? Never!
They don't seem to show much endeavor.
It seems that they'd sooner
Be friendly with tuna,
And they aren't particularly clever.
--- Richard Long