To somewhere that Santa don't come,
To a non-Christian place, I would run;
To ride on a Yak,
Wear a yashmac,
And get screwed by a sheik, in the sun.
--- Anon

Now I am so lonely out here,
I'd sure like to see you, my dear.
Now don't you say 'stick it',
Just send me a ticket,
For a nice visit just like last year.
--- Anon

I sure had a wonderful time,
Sleeping outside under that pine.
Though the tent was leaky,
And your neighbors freaky,
I'll sleep there again, I don't mind.
--- Anon

The folks who live in Cat Mash,
Alaska, don't often eat hash.
They eat steaks and peas,
As much as they please,
'Cause most have got plenty of cash.
--- William K Alsop P0308

There once was a natatorial dude
Who was wont to swim in the nude.
But unfortunately,
He chose the Bering Sea:
I'm sure he said something quite rude.
--- Barb

The Eskimo fellow who humps
His polar bear, arduously pumps
Away, for I'm told,
Because of the cold,
His spunk comes in big icy lumps.
--- Tiddy Ogg

From Alaska, my friend discloses,
The cost that courtship imposes;
All Eskimos wish
For two frozen fish,
It's how much girls charge to rub noses.
--- David Miller

A high-minded Innuit prefers
Just noses to rub, his 'n' hers;
And sex in a igloo
Is thought 'infra dig', too,
'Cause come always sticks to your furs.
--- David Miller

According to the scientists words,
Americans are the world's biggest turds.
They pollute all our air
With never a care;
Environment's just for the nerds.
--- Tony Burrell

There is a motel named Bates,
Where the guests suffer terrible fates.
Just stay a few hours
And die in the showers.
They charge very reasonable rates.
--- Richard Long

They say that a town is "Comoxy",
If the men all have moolah and moxie.
And the girls that you meet
On a typical street,
Are pneumatic and gorgeous and foxy!
--- John E Mayhood P0010

The town Eighty-four has a claim
To fame, because of its name.
But 84 isn't odd,
It's even, you sod!
So Eighty-four has no claim to fame.
--- William K Alsop Jr

For three days now we have been confounded
With all of our PC's impounded.
For Mom's read our post
And gave us a roast
And declared "Kim and Sam, you are grounded!"
--- Kim & Sam

Though the mood in our house has been tense,
Uncle Frank's been patrolling the fence.
Aunt Mabel's gone missing;
The dog won't stop pissing;
We're due a visit from our Uncle Spence.
--- Kim & Sam

He'll bring his pet pit-bull, Devine,
A snarling and bad-tempered swine,
That barks, farts and sneezes,
And shits where he pleases.
He humped Auntie Mabel last time.
--- Kim & Sam

When we'd beaten it off with a stick,
Uncle Frank clanked, "I'll show it a trick."
And he fired a round
Into that faithful hound,
And hit it fair square in the prick.
--- Kim & Sam

This did not please our old Uncle Spence,
Who raced from the house to the fence,
And placed two hasty thwacks
Into uncle Frank's tracks,
Who did not feel a thing, 'cause he's dense.
--- Kim & Sam

So it's no wonder dear Momma feels stressed.
(Aunt Mabel's been found in the chest,
Dressed in her best,
Hotpants and string vest.)
This family puts us to the test!
--- Kim & Sam

I'd sure hate to live in South Florida
Where girls are immoral or horrider,
Plus Haitians and Nubians
And old farts and Cubians
And weather that couldn't be horrider.
--- Armand E Singer 736

Such terrible deeds down in Florida,
A crime worse than incest, and torrider;
And our own Tiddy Ogg
Is left gasping, agog --
"I've never seen anything horrider!"
--- Rick O'Shea Q

It is almost the Fourth of July;
Time for fireworks to color the sky.
Says Florida's Gov,
"Celebrations I love,
But for fireworks, our trees are too dry!"

(1998 drought and fires in Florida)
--- Prof M-G TP9806

The Florida sunshine's a treat
When Brit winters send chills to your feet.
To feel sun on my tum,
My boobs and my bum...
The thought of which puts me in heat.
--- Joy Clare

There's a Florida town, Possum's Trot.
A possum that trots? I think not!
PT's not on the map,
So there's nary a chap,
To confirm a fast possum or what?
--- William K Alsop Jr

When Northern weather's horrider,
Folks funnel down to Florida.
And stay until
Their white skins will
In Florida get florider.
--- Irving Superior P8709

On a Florida bound plane, sexy Bea
Introduced her companion with glee.
She cooed, "Meet my friend Jay,
I'm delighted to say
That he's going to Tampa with me." (FL)
--- Bob Giandomenico P8805

What went 5-6-5 quite recently?
A misdialed phone call on TV?
No, what 5-6-5 makes
Is how many Great Lakes
Congress thought, then rethought, there should be!
--- Prof M-G

In the Hoosier state's geography,
North Vernon's far south, don't you see.
To complete things, of courth,
South Bend's found up north.
French Lick's not what it's cracked up to be.
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0608

The boss said to me with a smile,
"You'll be working away for a while."
Hope the bedroom I stay
In this week is OK;
Though it may (like the last one) be vile.
--- Anon

Well, that was a better hotel
I've just stayed in; indeed it was swell.
It was run by a wife-
Swapping couple from Fife,
And their horny young daughter Michelle.
--- Anon

Receptionist lovely Louise,
Who had cute little 36Cs
Said, "I hope you have fun;
You're in room Number One."
And she winked as she gave me the keys.
--- Anon

Now room Number One was a suite
Of gigantic proportions, complete
With an en-suite jacuzzi
And resident floozy
With body curvaceous and neat.
--- Anon

Surprised, I stood shaking my head
As stark naked she lay on the bed.
"I'm all part of the sevice, sir;
Please don't be nervous, sir;
Use and abuse me", she said.
--- Anon

"This cannot be true", I thought. "Damn!"
I said, "Who do you think that I am?"
She said, "Why, you're the toast
Of the town; you're His Most
Royal Highness the King of Siam."
--- Anon

This is file kum

"I'm sorry", I said, "I'm not he."
She went mad and threw pillows at me.
"Don't be cross", I replied
As she shouted and cried,
"It's a case of mistaken ID."
--- Anon

So back to reception I went
And explained to Louise who had sent
Me there, "Peter, I am;
Not the King of Siam."
And she pointed the way to a tent.
--- Anon

"A tent?" "Yes; that tent on the lawn",
She said, sneering; her voice full of scorn;
"'Twas reserved by your boss
Who said, 'Couldn't give a toss
If it's cheap, that's okay, I won't mourn.'"
--- Anon

So most of the time I have spent
In a draughty and leaky old tent,
In a god-awful town
With the rain pouring down,
On a mattress as hard as cement.
--- Anon

For decades since time immemorial
The GOP's chosen gubernatorial
Candidate boys
Have won Illinois.
But this might be the year purgatorial.
--- Dr Limerick

There's a girl from La Harpe, Illinois,
Who is hung on this guy from Detroi,
With his bold "savoir faire"
And his "aire solitaire",
Not to mention his "je na sais quoi."
--- Keith MacMillan A043B

It's a city where people with awe go,
And the souls of dead criminals a' go.
For grime and for litter,
For crime and for glitter,
There's no other place like Chicago. (IL)
--- Laurence Perrine P8805

An Illinois town is Oblong.
We celebrate it in this song.
What shape is it in?
Oval, round, fiat or thin?;
Is it fat, lean, puny or strong?
--- Thomas A Ratliff P0308

Here's to the American Eagle,
That beautiful bird of prey,
He flies from Maine to Mexico,
And he shits on Ioway.

(boast by Maine congressman to Iowa congressman)
--- Anon

Here's to the State of Iowa
Whose soil is soft and rich.
We need no turd
From your beautiful bird,
You red-headed son-of-a-bitch.

(Rebuttal by Iowa congressman)
--- L0708

A good Kansas girl I am.
When I tell people this, they say "Damn!"
But they don't know what they're missing
'Cause there's lots of good kissing
(And loving) in Kansas. Yes Ma'am!
--- Claire

In Kentucky there is a chappie,
Who lives in a town they named "Happy".
The Happy folks there
Live without care.
They aren't mean, bad tempered, or scrappy.
--- William K Alsop Jr

A town in Kentucky, Rabbit Hash,
Where there never is very much cash,
On their porches folks sit,
As they whittle and spit,
And swig from their jugs of sour mash.
--- William K Alsop Jr

There's a town called Oddville, Kay Wye.
I've lived there so long I could cry.
When asked where I'm from,
I'm always struck dumb,
And then I most certainly lie.
--- William K Alsop Jr

A sweet-talking maid from Kentucky
Was fearless and brave and so plucky,
That she wrestled a bear
On a bet and a dare,
And her autopsy read, "Was unlucky."
--- Alsops Foibles

At the solemn and urgent behest
Of the Chamber of Commerce, Key West,
We should like to make clear
That the natives down here
Aren't called Kiwis, a name they detest.
--- J Maynard Kaplan

We say we're the "Land of the Free",
There's hope that our posterity,
Will learn how to share
In this great land fair,
Which still is where I want to be.
--- Chris Papa

The quoins on the mansion were grand,
Made of stucco, the color of sand;
The grounds were immense,
With a tall iron fence,
And gardens impeccably planned.
--- Cap'n Bean P0510Q

Ann Arbor voters annually (MI)
Keep voting ANN and not ANNIE.
While a ritzy few
Who abhore the two
Vote ANNA arbor-trarily.
--- Irving Superior P8805

It seems that our Carol (delicious)
Is there for some work and she wishes
To say she has missed
You all and is pissed
'Cause she's fucking bored stiffalicious!
--- Jon Gearhart

I wonder, amongst the adroit
AJL clan is there one who moight
Hail from the car city
Of Pistons and titty,
Referred to as MI, Detroit.
--- Jon Gearhart

Since obviously an obstacle,
Was shortened to
Kalamazoo (MI)
Which is and is not logical.
--- Irving Superior P8805

There once was a Greek named Theopolis,
Who lived quite near the Acropolis.
But he soon moved away,
To the U. S. of A.,
And settled in old Minneopolis.
--- VOL 1

Fraternal twins, Minnie and Paul,
Shared many adventures when small.
But when Paul was made saint,
Minnie made no complaint,
But thought "Who'd a' thought it a'tall!"
--- Laurence Perrine P8805

There was an old Swede in Dakota
Who yearned to get to Minnesota.
But his friends there in fun,
Said it couldn't be done
Because of a strict Swedish quota.
--- Glen Hughes P0201

The beaches sure look very fine,
Until you read the warning sign
That says, "Do not sit,
'Cause worms from dog shit
Will enter folk's skins, yours and mine."
--- Chris Papa

'Cross the wide Mississippi I see
Jean in Illinois country.
She sometimes will visit.
That's not too bad, is it?
Missouri just loves company!
--- Anon

There's a town, Knob Noster, MO
Where I'm sure we all want to go.
There's no Noster there,
Just lots of thin air,
And the 'Knob' has no grass to mow!
--- William K Alsop Jr

There's a Missouri town called Blue Eye.
Is the blue cobalt, azure, or sky?
If one eye is blue,
Is the other one too?
If not, we'd like to know why.
--- William K Alsop Jr

In Montana there's a town named Two Dot.
A garden spot it is not.
Do the dots hang from trees?
In the cold, do they freeze?
Do they melt when the weather is hot?
--- William K Alsop Jr

In Jersey, his mind starts to torque;
Some said simply, "He popped his cork."
Said Freud, Jung and Gestalt,
"It isn't his fault;
The light through his tunnel's New York!"
--- John Miller

Over Newark, New Jersey, the air
Is as thick as the fur of a bear;
On bright sunny days
Through the smoke and the haze,
You can see as far up as your hair.
--- Lims Unlimited

America's such a nice place;
But its critics? A bloody disgrace.
All you pinkos who scoff,
You can just bugger off!
As republics go, crikey, we're ace.
--- Chris Strolin