"Miss Clark," remarked Christopher Dardon,
"I most humbly, Marcia, beg pardon,
But dropping your briefs
While seeking relief's
The cause of my great side-bar hard-on."
--- Arthur Deex

Lady lawyers are pin-striped and vested,
And in chambers, some just can't be bested.
For 'suit' is a role
Not requiring a pole.
You just might like your 'suits' double-breasted.
--- CB

I told her "I wanna be screwed."
She smiled and said "OK then, dude.
Dontcha know I'm a lawyer,
So first I will bore yer,
And then your last dime I'll extrude."
--- Anon

A novice goose-farmer, Tom Sanders,
Once wrote for advice from Ann Landers.
He'd encountered a block
To increasing his flock:
He didn't know gooses from ganders.
--- William D Robinson

Dear Suitor, the problems you pose
Are greater than anyone knows.
In the broad light of day
I might scare you away.
I'm fat, bald and have warts on my nose.
--- June Sullivan P8408

Though your interest is so very kind
And I like what you have on your mind,
For a romp in the hay
I prefer night to day,
Unless of course, you are blind.
--- June Sullivan P8408

My most remembered greeting card
(Just thinking makes me swallow hard)
You now are one...."
Was sent to me by F.D.R.
--- Irving Superior P8612

An angry young fellow once wrote,
His ex-girlfriend a rather firm note,
In such lurid detail,
It caught fire in the mail;
Which leaves me unable to quote.
--- John Ciardi

"Dear Mither", wrote wee Jimmy Broon,
"I've dug a hole twenty feet doon.
I'll dig and I'll toil,
Until I've struck oil".
So she sent him a card, "Get well soon!"
--- W Duncan

I'm having a wonderful time
In this glorious tropical clime;
Though you may think it queer,
I don't wish you were here --
Yes! At last, I'm divorcing you, slime!
--- Robin K Willoughby P8701

Time was I thought all junk mail trying;
Ads for credit cards, clothes, cut-rate flying.
But today I rejoice
When my mail brings the choice
Of a credit card--not Choice in Dying.
--- Evelyn Bogen P9607

Greetings, to you men, from the Brass --
The Elite, if you'd not be so crass.
Save those "Hi there y'alls"
Or a kick in the balls
Will soon follow this kick in the ass.
--- Neal Wilgus P8612

Dear Mam, I am lernin to spel
I hoap you an dad are boath well
This skool is kqite nice
But Ive run away twyss
With luv from yor dorter yung Nell
--- Harold C Bibby

I'm lonely wrote Mrs. Golightly,
And seeking a gentleman sprightly.
You need not be young
But you must have a tongue,
And be willing to use it twice nightly.
--- Anon

Dear lady, I'm Mr. O'Vine;
My tongue (if naught else) is all mine.
A pic I append
And would like you to send
Me a photo of Box 69.
--- Anon

Oh, Mr O'Vine, I'm on heat.
I'm Mrs Golightly; let's meet
In London next week.
But 'til then, here's a peek
Of my Box 69; ain't it sweet?
--- Anon

Good Lord, Mrs G, with my jocks off,
Your Box 69 got my rocks off!
It's years since I've seen
Such a sight so obscene,
That it fair blew my mind and my socks off.
--- Anon

So yes, Mrs. G, let us meet
In London next Monday, my sweet.
You'll recognize me;
I'll be drooling, you see,
With my tongue hanging down to my feet.
--- Anon

Oh, Mr O'Vine, you're divine.
We'll meet on the Underground line
Near Finsbury Square;
And no panties I'll wear,
So you'll recognize Box 69.
--- Anon

Said the Postmaster General, "I'm tickled
That the mail has slowed down to a trickle.
If junk mail, I dare say,
Had to pay it's own way,
This letter would cost just a nickel.
--- Arthur Deex P9103

I have written one previous letter;
I should have written it better.
For it seems you ignored it;
Perchance you abhorred it,
Or it's possible you didn't get her.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

At GREETING CARDS, I searched a bit,
A constipated friend to twit.
And when I cried, "Absurd!
There are no rhymes for TURD,"
A clerk tole me to "Sh-sh" it.
--- Irving Superior P8612

There was a young person online,
Who said, "Posting letters is fine.
But it's quicker to load 'em
Right into a modem,
And so I just e-mail mine."
--- Richard Long

A package arrived in brown wrapper
Disguised as a letter -- quite dapper!
But though it was plain
Wrapped inside was a pain-
ful array of off-color thigh slappers!
--- Wally Sampson P8704

To you, my sister and brother;
Although we do not know each other,
We are all Pentatetters,
So send cards and letters
Sometime in May to Art, our mother.
--- Irving Superior P9103

Dear Doctor, Please look at young Millie.
I hope she's not done nothing silly.
She's been staying out late,
And she's putting on weight.
Your faithfully, Mrs. O'Killey.
--- Harold C Bibby

I proposed to my love in a letter,
A method which clearly upset her.
She declared that a male
Who resorted to mail
Would not be her childrens' begetter.

(I think return postage upset her.)
--- Laurence Perrine P8405

The e-mails I sent, I suppose,
Are perfectly well-polished prose.
My spell-checker writes
My flees and my mights
And blesses my butts and my those.
--- Nick

"Dear Mom, I just love my new classes
In 'Sex Education for Lasses;'
Professor Horatio
Has taught me fellatio
And how to wipe spunk from my glasses.
--- Anon

Dear Pater, (and Mater, and Kid).
Please could you send me ten quid?
My tuckshop account
Requires that amount
To clear it. Yours hopefully, Sid.
--- Harold C Bibby

A certain young lady named Breaulieu
Sent a letter to Anthony Newly.
'Twas a very short note,
For all that she wrote
Was, "Dear Sir, I remain yours, most truly."
--- Gerald Bosacker (?)

Dear Vicar, So glad you can speak
('Young Wives' on next Saturday week).
Our film show tomorrow
Is 'Games in Gomorrah'.
Good wishes from Marian Meek.
--- Harold C Bibby

Greetings also to those who wear bras,
Whom we'll gladly convert to Mamas.
Well, you know how we feel
And we love how you squeal.
You ask why? Well, because...Just because!
--- Neal Wilgus P8612

This is file ivm

To her boyfriend, a girl from New Trier,
Who was living in france for a year,
Sent a photo, quite lewd,
Of herself in the nude.
On the crotch she wrote, "Wish you were here!"
--- Michael Weinstein P0412

If you love her then send her a letter;
There's nothing a woman likes better.
For romance, though a quill pen
Is surely no ill pen,
You may like a word processor better.
--- Laurence Perrine P8405

Please give me your help, Dear Abby,
My wife had a child by a cabbie;
I think I've been had,
'Cause he calls me "Dad",
"Help me, Help me". Signed Gabby.
--- Ed Wolfert P8403

Dear Gabby, go after that cabbie;
Don't worry about making him crabby.
He'll have to come through
With free rides for you.
Lots of luck to you. Signed Abby.
--- Ed Wolfert P8403

"Dear Abby, just what should I do?
My Edith tells me that we're through.
Last night on the make,
I stopped to eat cake...
How can I have cake, Edith too?"
--- John Miller 0151

"Dear reader, whatever you do,
Forego cake while attempting to screw.
And let me repeat
That if you must eat,
Let your eating give pleasure to two!"
--- John Miller 0151a

An old lighthouse keeper called Gabby,
Used to write lots of mail to Dear Abbey.
He moaned and lamented;
If not true, he invented.
He was old, he was short, he was flabby.
--- Arthur Pattaffy

Keeping all the replies he received,
He said that they must be believed.
During long lonely nights,
During faults with the lights,
He saw right where Dear Abbey conceived!
--- Arthur Pattaffy

Dear Abby, my problem is I
Have a boyfriend -- a wonderful guy.
What gift should I seek
For his birthday next week?"
"Never mind what he'd like...Give a tie!"
--- Arthur Deex P8402

If I kiss with my lips wide apart
When dating my teen-age sweetheart,
Will I get a baby?"
Dear Abby said, "Maybe,
But at least you'll have made a good start."
--- Limericks Hist P8408

Dear Abby, Am I normal? Dear Jack
I don't know if you are, for alack,
The rest of your words
Are covered in curds.
I suspect you are having a whack.
--- Peter Wilkins

Dr Lora said, "Slutty, coarse tramp!
You spineless and cheap little vamp!
You screw him for free?
No marriage, no fee?
Get a ring! Or they'll always decamp!"
--- Anon

Dear Abby, wrote Scarlett O'Hara,
My husband is not Yogi Berra,
But I've had seven kids,
And I'm on the skids
'Cause he won't take his Depo-Provera.
--- Ed Wolfert P8403

"I hope you advise me, Dear Abby,
My boyfriend is saying I'm flabby."
So Abby replied
That growing too wide
Was better than bitchy or crabby.
--- Philo Logue P8403

"Dear Abby, from 'Bombed in Toledo',
Regarding hubby's swollen libido:
I took your advice --
Packed his pecker in ice --
But it still didn't dam the torpedo."
--- Kathleen A Martin P8403

"Dear Abby, my husband philanders.
He's pursuing Your sister and squanders
His wealth on her, too.
Say, what should I do?"
"Divorce the yahoo [signed] Ann Landers."
--- Laurence Perrine P8403

"Dear Abby," a lover once wrote,
"My sweatheart is getting remote,
So what should I do?"
Dear Abby said, "______"
(A blank that I'd rather not quote.)
--- Philo Logue P8403

Dear Abby, I give my girl oodles
Of sex but she still prefers poodles.
Dear Jimmy, don't fret.
(That's so funny I've wet.)
Why don't you chop off their noodles?
--- Peter Wilkins

Dear Abby advised every Miss
On the blessings of virginal bliss --
Do not fondle man's meat,
Keep his hands off your teat,
Cross your legs when he gives you a kiss.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2996a

Dear Abby, I'm fat and bereft.
I'm so fat that my husband has left.
Dear Kate, he has grounds;
You weight 650 pounds?
Perhaps he got lost up your cleft?
--- Peter Wilkins

Advice to Bombeck and Van Buren:
Dear Erma, Dear Abby,
You're getting too flabby!
Oh Abby, Oh Erma,
Use girdles, stay firma!
--- Armand E Singer 231A

DEAR ABBY: My lovelife's a joke.
I'm addicted to speed, dust, and coke..."
But our Abby's turned callous
To addictions ('cept phallus).
"So what? My vibrator's broke!"
--- Kim Goldsworthy P8403

Dear Abby, I want babies with Chuck.
We've tried 25 years with no luck.
Dear Melissa, I'm guessin'
You both need a lesson;
Which orifice, dear, does he fuck?
--- Peter Wilkins

"Our problem is mutual orgasm --
I come before he has his spasm.
What shall I do?"
Dear Abby said, "You
Ought to take a large tuck in your chasm."
--- Lims Hist and Hyst P9901

"Our problem is mutual orgasm --
I come before she has her spasm.
What do you recommend?"
Said Ann Landers, "My friend,
You should play with her tits, if she has 'em."
--- Lims Hist and Hyst P9901

I need your assistance, Dear Abby.
My wife eloped with a Swabbie.
They took off for Reno.
Playing Beano and Keno,
What's cooking here? Quein Sabe?
--- Ed Wolfert P8403

At limericks he has Mensa backing
But at sex a gal found Jim quite lacking.
When she said, "No more bed,"
It messed up his head
And he gave her a sound verbal smacking.
--- Jim's Ex Girlfriend P8210

It's important for Jim to save face,
So he's used words and lines really base.
Just attack his old penis,
He'll become one of the meanest
S.O.B.'s in the whole human race.
--- Jim's Ex Girlfriend P8210

Jim's intellect is a rare treat;
His thoughts oft times can't be beat,
But when she needs a good fuck,
A girl's shit-out-of-luck
And it's best that she stay on her feet.
--- Jim's Ex Girlfriend P8210

Your sad limericks are just dirty pool.
Really, Jim, you're not even cool;
You've displayed lousy verse
And you're insulting - that's worse.
So cancel our friendship, you fool!
--- Jim's Ex Girlfriend P8210

What happens just after 'Dear John'?
Dear John then becomes a mere john.
If whores he can't stand,
He'll then use his hand,
In either the bedroom or john.
--- Irving Superior P9505

"Dear Tom and dear Dick and dear Harry,"
Wrote Virgin Val, "You I won't marry.
Nor will I with John
Wear bridal chiffon;
I'm blowing Big Millionaire Barry!"
--- Mark Levy P9505

Dear Sweetie, I want you to know,
I loved you like mad weeks ago.
I've met girls with new boobs,
Who've tied up their tubes.
So long, CON AMORE, from Joe.
--- Elois

A girl who pursued men with verve
At the thought of "I do" lost her nerve.
So to tell them "We're through."
She wrote (to name just a few),
Dear: John, Bob, Al, Joe, Bill, and Irv.
--- Evelyn Bogen P9505