DAILY DITTIES

The limerick's callous and crude,
Its morals distressingly lewd;
It's not worth the reading
By persons of breeding -
It's designed for us vulgar and rude

You have been warned.

LIMERICK INFORMATION, MORE LIMERICKS, AND LINKS

LAST LIMERICK IN THE SET

361 365 Daily Ditty #1 2 11

[One A Day #1 11 June, 1997]

An elderly man was depressed
His sex life was over, he guessed
Then two girls in their teens
Made him cream in his jeans
As he fondled each tender young breast

362 1 Daily Ditty #2 3 12

A spammer who spammed on the net
was as bad as a spammer could get
He spammed every group
With insidious poop,
Even me and Hussein and the Pope, yet!

363 2 Daily Ditty #3 4 13

Friday, 13 June 1997

Is it Friday the thirteenth today?
How silly!  What nonsense, I say!
(Last time I went broke,
My Dad had a stroke,
And my wife and my dog ran away)

364 3 Daily Ditty #4 5 14

  [Daily Ditty #4 14 June 1997]

THE FLAG

Some love it, some hate it, some spurn it
Some go so far as to burn it;
Adore or abhor it,
You can't just ignore it;
Yet most will do little to earn it

365 4 Daily Ditty #5 6 15

Father's Day, Sunday, 15 June 1997

"Dear Dad, you are getting quite old;
Your assets, I think, should be sold
And given to me
So that you can be free
To live out those years they call gold."

"Dear son, there's no reason to fret;
I haven't got Alzheimer's yet;
I'll do it my way, 
'Till it's all pissed away;
Not one nickle or dime will you get!"

1 5 Daily Ditty #6 7 16

Monday, 16 June 1997

A salesman broke down in the sticks
Said the Farmer, "I ain't got no chicks,
But my son, who is gay - "
Said the salesman, "I pray
AAA can deliver a fix!"

2 6 Daily Ditty #7 8 17

Tuesday, 17 June 1997

Two Bros, after drinking some beer,
Took a whiz off the end of the pier
One Bro said, "Mother!
Water's COLD!" Said the other,
"An' de bottom is muddy, too, here!"

***

(Just in case you are one of the few
Who don't get the joke on these two:
Both men are braggin'
'Bout how much they're draggin';
How they knew what they know is a clue.)

3 7 Daily Ditty #8 9 18

Wednesday, 18 June

I once had a girl, Mary Anne,
With a face just as flat as a pan
She was covered with zits,
Had lopsided tits -
(But, Lordy! One beautiful tan)

She was nasty and mean, Mary Anne:
When the sane saw her coming, they ran.
She was quick in her use
Of verbal abuse
(But when asked would reply, "Yes you can!")

She was ugly and fat, Mary Anne;
She sold crack from the back of her van
She cheated and lied
She was sneaky and snide
(But she sure had a way with a man!)

I was warned about you, Mary Anne,
By my brother and sister and Gran;
And by mother and Dad, 
They said you're all bad
(You were good on the cot in the van!)

She was bad, really bad, Mary Anne;
Almost none could she claim as her fan;
(But, because of her urgin'
I ceased to be virgin -
Take the good with the bad when you can!)

4 8 Daily Ditty #9 10 19

Thursday, 19 June 1997

A beauty with charm was my Jane;
Personality, looks, and a brain!
Yet she lived free from sin
(Well, I couldn't get in!)
I'll not bother to see her again ...

5 9 Daily Ditty #10 11 20

Friday, 20 June 1997

Well, lately I've been quite a jerk
I've fallen behind in my work
So don't be to picky,
This is only a quicky,
'Till I find my way out of the murk


To make up for it, a moldy oldy
you may not have heard lately:

A man stood on trial for his life
For loving the corpse of his wife
He said to the judge,
"She was cold, wouldn't budge --
Exactly the same as in life."    

6 10 Daily Ditty #11 12 21

Saturday, 21 June 1997

Our favorite rhyme is "Nantucket" -
Goes with "pluck it" and  "shuck it" and "bucket"
"Suck it" 's abused,
Even "Truck it" gets used,
And of course you can always just -- chuck it!

7 11 Daily Ditty #12 13 22

#12 Sunday, 22 June 1997

Hallelujah! Now summer is here,
Pardon me as I ogle and leer
At women and teenies
In scanty bikinis;
Grill some wienies and pass me a beer!

8 12 Daily Ditty #13 14 23

#13 Monday, 23 June 1997

Mr. Jones was a bass in the choir,
Yet a man who loved "playing with fire"
He wrestled a bear
Who didn't play fair
Now he's singing a full octave higher   

9 13 Daily Ditty #14 15 24

#14 Tuesday, 24 June 1997

I tried to come up with a ditty
That was clever and clean and still witty
But my failure was utter
Guess my mind's in the gutter
Every one I came up with was shitty!

10 14 Daily Ditty #15 16 25

Wednesday, 25 June 1997

My playmates, when I was quite small,
Were Nancy and Peter and Paul
Nan amazed us one day
When she showed us a way
To play with FOUR Peters in all!

11 15 Daily Ditty #16 17 26

Thursday, 26 June 1997

I met her one night on the strand
Where she'd frolicked all day in the sand
This caused some abrasion
To mar the occasion;
'Cept for that, the encounter was grand

12 16 Daily Ditty #17 18 27

#17  Friday, 27 June 1997

Said the lion, "Please join me at lunch!"
Said the zebra, "Thanks, I have a hunch,
Whereas I prefer grass,
You'd dine on wild ass;
There's some monkeys, invite the whole bunch!"

13 17 Daily Ditty #18 19 28

#18  Saturday, 28 June 1997

Connoisseur, if allowed, of fine tail
I ogle, when able, young quail;
But my wife is no fool
She enforces one rule:
"You can look all you like, BUT NO BRAILLE!"

14 18 Daily Ditty #19 20 29

#19 Sunday, 29 June 1997

Here's a Hell I hope Spammers endure:
Eternally swim in manure,
While bombarded with e_mail
That tells in great detail
Of joys they can never procure

15 19 Daily Ditty #20 21 30

#20  Monday, 30 June 1997

Some say laughing at troubles won't work
(Please don't giggle, they'll think you're a jerk!)
If a chortle won't win,
Try using a grin;
Then polish 'em off with a smirk!

16 20 Daily Ditty #21 22 31

#21  Tuesday, 1 July 1997

To temptation I'm quick to submit
I regret many sins, I admit
Yet this is no boast:
I regret the most
Those sins that I failed to commit!

17 21 Daily Ditty #22 23 32

#22  Tuesday, 2 July 1997

Subtitle: A Hell of a Way to Get a Hernia

The condemmed, very slender and young
Exercised 'till the the day the trap sprung;
He fulfilled his hope
Of neck stronger than rope:
Yet you truely can say he's well hung!

18 22 Daily Ditty #23 24 33

#23  Thursday, 3 July 1997

Said the bull, "I'm so cold I can't piss;
I'd consider it heavenly bliss
To get out of this ice
and slip into a nice
Warm Jersey -- or else a Brown Swiss!"

19 23 Daily Ditty #24 25 34

#24

Two fairies were flitting one day
In the meadow where they liked to play
When the male made a pass
at the other (a lass),
Showing not quite all fairies are gay

20 24 Daily Ditty #25 26 35

#25  Saturday, 5 July 1997

Said the minister's bitch, "Come and play!"
Said the priest's horny stud, "On my way!"
But before they could breed
They who differed in creed
Agreed with great speed, "Let us spay!"

21 25 Daily Ditty #26 27 36

#26 Sunday,  6 July 1997

"Competition's a bit of a jerk,"
Said our butcher, while hiding a smirk;
"The lazy young slob
Sat down on the job,
Got a little behind in his work."

22 26 Daily Ditty #27 28 37

#27  Monday, 7 July 1997

We've been married two decades today
Which leaves me with little to say
So I'm real sorry folks,
I'm in no mood for jokes,
My ditty's no dilly no way!

23 27 Daily Ditty #28 29 38

#28  Tuesday, 15 July 1997

Said the whore, after years of research,
"I don't want to be left in the lurch
I still live by my hole
But there's hope for my soul
For I give ten percent to my church."


APOLOGY FOR MISSING 8 DAYS OF DITTIES:

My excuse, I should say, is exquisite:
A tornado paid us a visit
Which as you might guess
Left a bit of a mess
That's not a bad reason, now is it?
 

24 28 Daily Ditty #29 30 39

#29  Wednesday, 16 July 1997

A miserable mite is the chigger
Though the tiniest sand grain is bigger
The son of a bitch
Can sure make you itch
And apply calomine by the jigger

25 29 Daily Ditty #30 31 40

#30 Thursday, 17 July 1997

Mistress Mary had a mystery man who kissed her
He insisted between visits that he missed her
Then one blister-raising kiss
Risked the ruin of her bliss -
How it pissed her when her mister kissed her sister!

26 30 Daily Ditty #31 32 41

#31  Friday, 18 July 1997

Of all creatures that walk, swim, or fly
I'll take cats, though I can't tell you why
   I'd not alter my course
   For a dog or a horse,
Yet for one little pussy, I'd die!

(With thanks to a humorous
book on cats I read 20 years ago.)

27 31 Daily Ditty #32 33 42

#32 Saturday, 19 July 1997

For all of its whistles and bells
Most modern technology smells
The creed's "Do it fast
E're the market is past;
Barely saleable quality sells!"

( Apply to limericks ??? )


Challenge:

1.  Re-write, using "sucks"
instead of "smells"

2.  Do it again, and this 
time make it CLEAN!

28 32 Daily Ditty #33 34 43

#33  Sunday, 20 July 1997
    
WARNING!
POLITICALLY INCORRECT CONTENT

Roe vs. Wade

You know lawyers just hate to get burned,
So the cause of the fetus is spurned;
They can't pay in advance
So they haven't much chance
Of getting the law overturned


As the big wheels of justice grind slow
Our mistrust of the system doth grow
So let's all get active,
Make the law retroactive,
And apply to some people we know


Moral Leadership

Once I fretted when leaders would fail
To show courage and morals less frail;
Now I'll laugh on the day
That the Pope says he's gay
And the Prez issues vetos from jail!

29 33 Daily Ditty #34 35 44

#34 Monday, 21 July 1997

I walked out with the bath water running
Spied the beauty next door: She is sunning
Now I only can guess
If my bathroom's a mess
(Would YOU leave a show half so stunning?)

30 34 Daily Ditty #35 36 45

#35 Tuesday, 22 July 1997

Young Marsha is cute as a bunny
She's bright and she's clever and funny
   But I've heard her to say
   In her bright sunny way
"Look sonny, no money, no cunny!"


(I considered to be 'most as funny:
"What, no money? How funny! 'Bye, Sonny!"
Please, folks, help me out
Or I'll whimper and pout,
Tell me which one is more on the money)

31 35 Daily Ditty #36 37 46

#36 Wednesday, 23 July 1997

Up on Mars is a marvelous cart
Like your PC it's state-of-the-art
With some software that sucks
Costing millions of bucks
To see, "Fail, Abort or Re-Start?"

32 36 Daily Ditty #37 38 47

#37 Thursday, 24 July 1997

I've a thing about Day 24
Superstition, I guess, nothing more
But I face it with dread,
Want to stay right in bed,
And avoid what the fates have in š†ö®ë¬

33 37 Daily Ditty #38 39 48

#38 Friday, 25 July 1997

I took Sally out back of the shed
"I have something to show you," I said
She said, "Ugh! What a sight!
I know looking's not right,
I've a place we can hide it instead."

34 38 Daily Ditty #39 40 49

#39 Saturday, 26 July 1997

Said my Sally, out back of the shed,
"That's all of THIS, Johnny boy, 'till we're wed
'Cause what we just did
Could result in a kid,
And besides, I'd prefer it in bed."

Things can always get worse than they seem;
I'M INVENTING A LIMERICK MACHINE!
And when I am done
Where today I wrote one --
Tomorrow, one hundred fifteen!

35 39 Daily Ditty #40 41 50

#40 Sunday, 27 July 1997

Sally's dad came to call in the night
In his hand was a shotgun, all white
He said to me, "Son,
Kindly notice this gun:
The service will be at first light."

36 40 Daily Ditty #41 42 51

#41 Monday, 28 July 1997

Although Sally and I have grown old
We still treasure our games more than gold
We still play hide 'n seek
Once or twice every week
And so do our grand-kids, I'm told

37 41 Daily Ditty #42 43 52

#42 Tuesday, 29 July 1997

Thor, the great god of Norse myth
Picked a girl with a lisp to be with
Then proclaimed "I AM THOR!"
She shot back from the floor,
"So you're thor, I'm so thor I can't pith!"

38 42 Daily Ditty #43 44 53

#43 Tuesday, 30 July 1997

My neighbor eats glass: Can you beat it?
This I heard through the walls, I'll repeat it:
"I can't be your Don Juan
'Till I get you turned on,
So turn off the light and I'll eat it!"

39 43 Daily Ditty #44 45 54

#44 Thursday, 31 July 1997

Holy Smokes! It's the end of July!
How quickly the summer goes by
   Soon the kids in the pool
   Will be going to school
How I'll miss all those noisy small fry!

40 44 Daily Ditty #45 46 55

#45  Friday, 1 August 1997

From your childhood I'm sure you've been taught
"Love thy neighbor" 's a praiseworthy thought
Let me as your friend
Add a phrase to the end:
"Love thy neighbor, but please don't get caught!"

41 45 Daily Ditty #46 47 56

#46  Saturday, 2 August 1997

"Do unto others," they say,
"As you'd have them treat you, that's the way."
(But kindly feel free
To  omit this with me
If you're masochist, crazy, or gay.)

42 46 Daily Ditty #47 48 57

#47  Sunday, 3 August 1997

Jack and Jill climbed that hill as they oughter
They each had a buck and a quarter
Jill came down with a laugh
And two and a half:
They didn't go up there for water!

43 47 Daily Ditty #48 49 58

#48 Monday, 4 August 1997

Well, Hickory, Dickory, Dock
A mouse ran away with a clock
But his "dong" was a gong
Nearly twelve inches long
When he used it she went into shock!

44 48 Daily Ditty #49 50 59

#49  Tuesday, 5 August 1997

There once was a lad in New York
Whose penis had tines like a fork
The girls liked it fine
'Till he started to dine
Eating carrots and peas with his dork

45 49 Daily Ditty #50 51 60

#50  Wednesday, 6 August 1997

Clever people invented The Bomb,
Mars Rover, PC, CD-Rom;
They won't be contented
Until they've invented
A full-scale replacement for Mom!

Once the substitute womb comes to pass
Virgin birth will be common as grass;
With the women deserting
The men will be hurting,
Converting to substitute ass!

*****

Half a century plus is the span
Since the Bomb was laid on Japan;
Though only just nine
I remember just fine
When the nuclear shit hit the fan!


 HAPPY HIROSHIMA DAY

46 50 Daily Ditty #51 52 61

#51  Thursday, 7 August

In limericks the line is quite fine
'Twixt lousy, and good, and sublime
This one's an example
Of rhymes meant to rankle --
And I do it in jest all the time!

"You write limericks that prove you depraved,
So far gone that I doubt you'll be saved,"
The minister said,
Sadly shaking his head,
"Your road straight to Hell's nicely paved!"

47 51 Daily Ditty #52 53 62

#52  Friday, 8 August 1997

(Whoops, 32 minutes to deadline and not
 a clue; the wife says, "Use rooster."
 Okay ... )

Miss Smith, an old maid, was quite dour
Her face in a frown, always sour
'Till some randy old rooster
Came along and he goosed her
And she giggled for nearly an hour

48 52 Daily Ditty #53 54 63

#53 Saturday, 9 August 1997

"Mr. Jones," said Miss Smith, "Is quite rude,
Impolite and a boor, even lewd
"But I wonder," said she,
"If perhaps he'd be free
To discuss it with me in the nude?"

"Miss Smith, I am told, is a prude,"
Said John Jones, ever vulgar and crude,
"But just to do good
I'll meet her in the wood ... "
I'll leave you to guess what ensued

49 53 Daily Ditty #54 55 64

#54 Sunday, 10 August 1997

Mr. Jones somehow got in a harem
He had balls, and he chose there to bare 'em
There arose such a shriek
He was deaf for a week
As they fought over how they would share 'im

He had balls when he came to the harem
And he thought that no one could impair 'im
But the ecstatic shriek
Had alerted the shiek
Who decided he'd no longer wear 'em

Now Jones still resides at the harem
After efforts were made to prepare him
For his job as a guard ...
Well, it never gets hard,
And there's girls, though he never can snare 'em

50 54 Daily Ditty #55 56 65

#55  Monday, 11 August 1997

(The Pyrotechnics Guild International is holding
it's convention at Amana, Iowa, 10 - 15 August.
I'll be watching the show every chance I get.)

The fireworks last night were a smash
But some of the food was such trash --
I passed wind in the dark,
Then heard someone remark,
"I sure heard the NOISE, where's the FLASH?"

51 55 Daily Ditty #56 57 66

#56  Tuesday, 12 August 1997

Said the old man, "I'd sell you my land,
But it's sacred to me where we stand
My first piece of ass
Was right here in this grass;
I hope, sir, that you understand."

Said the buyer, "I understand well,
we'll leave you this one little dell."
Said the man, "And that wood
where her dear mother stood
and watched us, I also won't sell."

He was asked, "Are you handing me crud??
... Did she threaten and call for your blood?"
Said the man, "I recall
she said nothing at all,
Just went right on chewing her cud."

52 56 Daily Ditty #57 58 67

#57  Wednesday, 13 august 1997

My uncle puts on quite a show
He'll walk out on water, real slow --
Though not in this season;
"I perform," is his reason,
"At my best when it's twenty below."

53 57 Daily Ditty #58 59 68

#58  Thursday, 14 August 1997

Brother John is real "down in the dumps"
Last month he came down with the mumps
Usually John stands his ground
But this time around
It's the meds who'll be taking his lumps

54 58 Daily Ditty #59 60 69

#59  Friday, 15 August 1997

Even now there's a very great span
'Twixt the viewpoints of woman and man
Just watch each face change 
When they hear THIS exchange:
"Why's a dog lick his prick?  'Cause he CAN!"

55 59 Daily Ditty #60 61 70

#60  Saturday, 16 August 1997

Use your fingers and rotate the cob
on some butter, a generous glob
Eat across or around,
But one thing that I've found,
Corn is best when you eat like a slob

56 60 Daily Ditty #61 62 71

#61  Sunday, 17 August 1997

Our forbears thought lobster quite rude
It was "mud roach," not luxury food
But right to this day,
Though we call it gourmet,
The best ways to eat it stay crude.

57 61 Daily Ditty #62 63 72

#62  Monday, 18 August 1997

Last night I was guest at the Schmidts
I left there scared out of my wits
There were hideous shrieks,
Framed pictures of freaks,
And bathtowels marked "His," "Hers," and "ITS!"

58 62 Daily Ditty #63 64 73

#63  Tuesday, 19 August 1997

"We all thought the girl out of Wheeling
 was devoid of all sexual feeling
 'Till a fellow named Boris
 Barely touched her clitoris
 And she had to be scraped off the ceiling"

"Bet'cha wouldn't dare try it," said Keith
After hearing the verse we're beneath
I accepted his dare
And touched Flora May THERE --
And promptly lost three of my teeth.

59 63 Daily Ditty #64 65 74

#64  Wednesday, 20 August 1997

(With thanks to Karen & Debbie, who advertise
blue-green algae from beautiful Klamath Lake
http://members.aol.com/javapeople/muffins.html)

While mixing his drinks, Samuel Bender
Caught both of his nuts in his blender
His plain Bloody Mary
Got more so, and hairy,
While they both grew much closer in gender

60 64 Daily Ditty #65 66 75

#65  Thursday, 21 August 1997

"Half my lifetime," my old friend confesses,
"I've been looking up pretty girl's dresses.
Now I don't get the chance
'Cause the girls all wear pants
And the guys are the ones with long tresses."

"Half a lifetime," my old friend then sighs,
"Of kneecaps and pretty bare thighs,
But intact underwear
Has always been there
To prevent any pleasant surprise."

"Forty years of perusing all skirts,
 Of straining my sight 'till it hurts;
Not once what I saw
Was breaking the law,
I'd done better perusing men's shirts!"

My friend is too old for conversion ...
I'm upset by his childish perversion
Well, since I'm upset 
I'll relax on the net
By perusing some "adult" diversion ...

61 65 Daily Ditty #66 67 76

#66  Friday, 22 August 1997

When a girl asked the size of his dick
The Texan responded, right quick,
"Three inches, or four."
"But my boyfriend has more!"
"Yes, m'am. You mean cross-wise, or thick?"

62 66 Daily Ditty #67 68 77

#67  Saturday, 23 August 1997

One sailor was thought quite a twit
'Cause with girls he just never could hit
'Till a whore in Hung Chow
Gave him lessons on HOW,
Now he gets them ALL - lickety-split!

63 67 Daily Ditty #68 69 78

#68  Sunday, 24 August 1997

A sailor who sailed on the sea
Was clever as clever could be
He would tell every girl,
"There is only one pearl!"
And every girl thought it was she!

64 68 Daily Ditty #69 70 79

#69  Monday, 25 August 1997

SIXTY_NINE: You have waited to hear it
But the censors, they say, cannot clear it
So I'll work out a fix
Using 76,
A number, they say, with more Spirit!

65 69 Daily Ditty #70 71 80

#70 Tuesday, 26 August 1997

I met a strange girl in Dubuque
Whose antics induced me to puke
She showed me that she
Preferred veggies to me
By inserting a bumpy green cuke

Now, I'm not one to easily spook,
I said, "Baby, although you're a kook,
You might find it a treat
To try out some meat;
What I have's beyond any rebuke."

"My preference," she said, "is no fluke.
Even were you were a knight or a duke    
With the sweetest of meat
You'd be hard pressed to beat
A zucchini or Big Brother Luke."

66 70 Daily Ditty #71 72 81

#71 Wednesday, 27 August 1997

I'm quite deaf, which my friends find distressing;
Modern rock, for one thing, leaves me guessing
But be of good cheer,
From what little I hear,
I count missing the rest quite a blessing

67 71 Daily Ditty #72 73 82

#72

Some aliens abducted a slew
Of young virgins, but not for a screw:
"We won't risk E. coli,
hepatitis, eboli;
We'll see they're well done in a stew"

Even those most accustomed to grue
Were shocked when an alien guru
Deftly made gourmet fare
Wasting only the hair
While converting the gristle to glue

That horrible alien crew
Started eating on some unseen cue
Did they truly not care
'Bout our horrified stare?
To this question they left not a clue

They finished their meal with a brew,
Then before anyone could say "Boo!"
They wiped off their chins,
Gave us hideous grins,
And blasted off into the blue

68 72 Daily Ditty #73 74 83

#73 Friday, 29 August 1997

Betcha thought that I truly was through
With the "oo" sound on seventy two;
Well, you lose the bet,
Here's one more for that set,
And the question I posed there holds true

69 73 Daily Ditty #76 75 84

#74 Saturday, 30 August 1997

My sister's best friend is a twerp
Who guzzles her drinks with a slurp
To entrain enough air
For a rendition (fair)
Of "Hail to the Chief" in one burp

70 74 Daily Ditty #75 76 85

#75 Sunday, 31 August 1997

One day as I fished on the sea
A mermaid came visiting me
Though just right on top
T'other end was a flop
With no parts to show she was a she

"We lay eggs," she informed me with glee,
"Which are fertilized as they float free."
 Mermen are excused
 If they're less than enthused
And merchildren rare in the sea

71 75 Daily Ditty #76 77 86

#76 Monday, 1 September 1997

"Sixty Nine was a bit of a flop,"
Said the girl as she moved back on top,
"If sex must be kinky
Let's try some less stinky
So you won't have a reason to stop"

72 76 Daily Ditty #77 78 87

#77 Tuesday, 2 September 1997

All summer was casual dress;
A godsend for me, I confess
It all goes awry
When I don a tie
With clothes I forgot how to press

I shudder that I must report
In sleeves that are long 'stead of short
And a coat I've been meaning
To take for a cleaning,
Shirts and slacks I intended to sort

Even socks are a major affair,
I can't seem to match up a pair
My favorites are WHITE,
And Lord! what a sight,
What I have's in great need of repair

Oh, why must I watch what I wear?
If I could I would rather go bare --
If I had my way
We'd have casual day
In clothes made of nothing but air!

73 77 Daily Ditty #78 79 88

#78  Wednesday, 3 September 1997

Italian jokes of renown
Make Tony come back with a frown:
"I've a riddle for you:
What's black and blue
And is usually found floating face-down?"

74 78 Daily Ditty #79 80 89

#79  Thursday, 4 September 1997

SOAP OPERA

Anne went to a good plastic surgeon
To turn her back into a virgin
In order to trick
A rich guy named Dick
To give in to her maternal urgin'

Not only was Dick soon seduced,
The poor bastard was quickly reduced
To a married man's life
With Anne as his wife    
And the fetus he thought he'd produced

The real father, however, was Stan,
And here's a small flaw in Anne's plan:
Alas and alack!
Dick was white, Stan was black
And the baby a rich shade of tan

Was Dick in the least bit dismayed?
Not a bit! He just knelt down and prayed!
He blamed it on God
'Sted of Stan's active rod
And the role that the surgeon had played

Now, you wonder how this will turn out?
What, in fact, the whole thing's all about?
Well, here's news for you:
I'm wondering too --
And a clue without doubt I'm without!

75 79 Daily Ditty #80 81 90

#80  Friday, 5 September 1997

Said the Brakeman, "Your couplings' too loose!"
To the Hangman, adjusting the noose
Said the Hangman, "Don't fret!
The last jerk that you get
They'll applaud even in the caboose!"

76 80 Daily Ditty #81 82 91

#81

In each of my previous lives
I had numrerous girlfriends and wives
Who in each incarnation
Bore the next generation
Into which my dead spirit revives

But the last time around I did not;
I wasted my time smoking pot
I forgot to beget
So I'm not quite here yet,
Someone else is here filling my slot 

So don't bitch if the verse is too weighty,
Someone ELSE wrote the previous eighty,
And now eighty-one:
While *I've* just begun
A spirit vacation in Haiti

77 81 Daily Ditty #82 83 92

#82  Sunday, 7 September 1997

Last night I sure had quite a few
I lost count long before I was through
But lately it seems
That it's only in dreams
I can handle as many as two
 

78 82 Daily Ditty #83 84 93

#83  Monday, 8 September 1997

She awoke with a donkey pressed near,
Said, "Damn! Too much party, I fear!"
God, I must have been tight!"
Said the donkey, "That's right,
But only the first time, my dear!"

79 83 Daily Ditty #84 85 94

#84  Tuesday, 9 September 1997

I'm a mean, nasty, bad-talkin' bastard
It's a life-style I've thoroughly mastered
But I have to confess
That the ol' IRS
Has me beat even when I am plastered

80 84 Daily Ditty #85 86 95

#85  Wednesday, 10 September 1997

As a kid when we rode on the bus
Deep questions we'd often discuss:
"Would it come off devine,
 Or just blow out her spine,
If Superman did it with Lois?"

81 85 Daily Ditty #86 87 96

#86  Thursday, 11 September 1997

My boss is a fellow named Sid
With the mind of an eight-year-old kid
Just outside his door
A sign said, "Wet floor,"
Sid saw it, and read it ... and did!

82 86 Daily Ditty #87 88 97

#87  Friday, 12 September 1997

Said the Nazi, adjusting his pants,
"Heil Hitler!  Let's drink to the chance
Of a son with blonde head."
Said the girl, "Drink instead
To the clap you've caught -- Vive la France!"

83 87 Daily Ditty #88 89 98

#88  Saturday, 13 September 1997

The story is over, my friends,
Too late now for making amends
Let's not dwell on "Why!"
For Dodi and Di;
That's the way that the Mercedes bends!

(Thank you, jwisnia@aol.com (JWISNIA))

84 88 Daily Ditty #89 90 99

#89  Sunday, 14 September 1997

Said the Redneck, in Tourist, K2,
To his seatmate, "You look like a Jew!"
"Vell," said this man,
"That is so, yes I am,
Is there reason dot matters to you?"

"I was raised in a village, by Joe,
With not one single Jew -- That is so!"
Said the Redneck. "Ah, yes,"
said the Jew, "I could guess --
Dot's vhy it's a villich, you know."

85 89 Daily Ditty #90 91 100

#90 Monday, 15 September 1997

"I love ORGANS," she said, "Even kidney.
I've had sweetbreads from Brisbane to Sidney
A good serving of liver
Will set me aquiver,
Just like Tom and his organ: Well, didn' he?"

"There are giblets that go in a stew,
And chittlin's appeal to a few
You can start with some heart
And end up with the part
That's best shared just between me and you."

"The stores will no longer sell lung,
nor cojones from a bull that's well-hung;
And there isn't much hype
About kidney or tripe,
But I truly ADORE some good tongue!"

86 90 Daily Ditty #91 92 101

#91 Tuesday, 16 September 1997

"Of course I won't charge you," said she,
"I do it for love, not for fee.
(But you haven't a chance
To get into my pants
If your will's not made over to me.)"

87 91 Daily Ditty #92 93 102

#92 Wednesday, 17 September 1997

In the men's rooms across this great nation
One finds now a neat "Changing Station"
Where a new dad is able
On a well-designed table
To work without improvisation

These tables quite often are seen
Right next to the condom machine
Which I guess must give pause
For some men to link cause
And effect in a manner most keen

Well, these tables most surely get used
By men who appear quite enthused
To accomplish some end --
An end, my dear friend,
Which might leave the designers confused

A table like this comes in handy
For sorting out hardware or candy
Some find it nice
For a roll of the dice;
For a quick game of poker just dandy

On a few I've seen traces of gravy,
Grease spots, and ink marks, and maybe
Some traces of oil,
Miscellaneous soil --
But never, not EVER, a baby!

88 92 Daily Ditty #93 94 103

#93 Thursday, 18 September 1997

The project's behind, what a shame!
(You know who the bosses will blame)
Deadline must be met, 
We're overworked, yet
Our salaries stay just the same

89 93 Daily Ditty #94 95 104

#94  Friday, 19 September 1997

Let's hear it for those who still smoke!
(Tobacco or merely a toke)
Every puff that you blow
Just goes out to show
How much smarter us non-smoking folk!

90 94 Daily Ditty #95 96 105

#95 Saturday, 20 September 1997

I once dated a Poet named Gwyn
Who committed a Cardinal Sin
When I thought she would drool
From the size of my tool
She just asked, with a yawn, " ... is it in?"

91 95 Daily Ditty #96 97 106

#96 Sunday, 21 September 1997

"I'm a virgin, of course," sighed the bride
"You're the first, you can say that with pride."
But the groom was revolted,
His pride badly jolted,
When he found a man's wristwatch inside

92 96 Daily Ditty #97 98 107

#97  Monday, 22 September 1997

Well, here we are into the Fall
The squirrels are having a ball
Out gathering nuts
And spreading their guts
On the roads that lead into the mall

It's also that time of the year
That the football fanatics hold dear
I'll miss Dr. Laura
Because a plethora
Of sportscasts is all you can hear

****

You'll note, when my verses get thin
That I just put some more of them in
When quality's lacking
I resort to packing
So quantity covers my sin

****

And now an announcement, dear fans
I have acted at last on my plans
To put some if not most
Of these things that I post
On my homepage (text only, no scans)

93 97 Daily Ditty #98 99 108

#98  Tuesday, 23 September 1997

There are those, just 
a mite indiscrete,
Who both Mob and the IRS cheat
Though each one may levy 
A penalty heavy,
The Mob's can be much more concrete

94 98 Daily Ditty #99 100 109

#99  Wednesday, 24 September 1997

I teach software to sit up and beg,
But last session I sure laid an egg:
My OS last night
Learned to bark, growl, and bite,
Now the PC is mounting my leg!