95 99 Daily Ditty #100 101 110

#100  Thursday, 25 September 1997

She was beautiful, young, but too snide:
"You can try, but you won't get inside!"
I thought she was joking
Until I tried poking;
All I dented that night was my pride

(Well, surprise! I have now reached one hundred
I intend to go on, 'case you've wondered,
'Cause I'm still going strong,
Though don't get me wrong,
I'm aware of a few where I've blundered!)

96 100 Daily Ditty #101 102 111

#101  Friday, 26 September 1997

We tell children, to give them a fright,
About "Things that go Bump in the Night"
But rather than frightful
Some bumping's delightful
When the bumpers are doing it right

97 101 Daily Ditty #102 103 112

#102  Saturday, 27 September 1997

Last night I was doing my wash
When a woman came in and by gosh
She stripped her kids bare,
Said, "For clean underwear
On our budget we can't be too posh."

I said, "M'am, don't your children get chilly?"
She said, "Mister, you're sure talking silly;
I feed 'em on greens,
Potatoes and beans,
That Mexican stuff is too frilly!"

She chose "Pre-soak," then quick as a wink
She popped all three kids in the sink
As she bathed them she said,
"Would you have me instead
Put clean clothes on young bodies that stink?"

Well, I must say her ways were proficient,
The results thereof more than sufficient
But somehow I think
One of us needs a shrink;
I could never be quite so efficient

98 102 Daily Ditty #103 104 113

#103 Sunday, 28 September 1997

A week ago, much to my sorrow
I said I would pay off, tomorrow ...
Booky, Feds, and ex-wife
Now all threaten my life
Have you got fifty grand I can borrow?

99 103 Daily Ditty #104 105 114

#104  Monday, 28 September 1997

At the whorehouse the homely Miss Bright
Tallied tricks that went clear out of sight
Her outstanding feature:
This former schoolteacher
Made you practice 'till you got it RIGHT!

100 104 Daily Ditty #105 106 115

#105  Tuesday, 30 September 1997

I should sing you a song of September
And of life dying down to an ember
I should reminisce
About that and of this
But it's all too damn hard to remember ...

101 105 Daily Ditty #106 107 116

#106  Wednesday, 1 October 1997

We've been told to "forgive and forget"
But I think that advice is all wet
'Cause he did unto me
Like a dog to a tree
And I'm going to get back at him yet!

Though vengance we're told is all wrong
His crowing would not go on long
If I could just get
Him to the right vet
He'd be singing a higher-pitched song

102 106 Daily Ditty #107 108 117

#107  Thursday, 2 October 1997

"I've endured twenty years of bad sex,"
Said the wife, "And it really does vex."
Laughed the husband, "Well I
Am unwilling to try
Upgrading your beaus to MY specs!"

103 107 Daily Ditty #108 109 118

#108  Friday, 3 October 1997

Ethnic food has its own small domain
In the middle of town.  I ate lo mien
And tacos and noodles
And blintzes and strudels ...
Now I wonder which one gave me ptomaine ...

104 108 Daily Ditty #109 110 119

#109  Saturday, 4 October 1997

The Wolf caught Little Red where she skipped
"Gonna rape ya!" he gleefully quipped
"Uh-uh," said our Red,
"You'll eat me instead,
In this limerick you follow the script!"

105 109 Daily Ditty #110 111 120

#110  Sunday, 5 October 1997

Growled Pa Bear, "Someone's been in my bed!"
"And mine," Ma said, "Look at that spread!"
Baby Bear,most polite,
Gently put out the light,
"Nighty-night, folks," was all that he said

106 110 Daily Ditty #111 112 121

#111  Monday, 6 October 1997

Snow White took on seven small men
Who continued their love even when
After entering coma
She gained an aroma
That was "oh" on a scale one to ten

They built a glass case, put her in
Took her out now and then just for sin
But from death she arose
When (with cold in his nose)
Prince Charming embraced her within

She left them, all seven, to weep
When the prince took her off to his keep
But said Grumpy, "Oh, Hell,
I admit it was swell,
But it's hi, Ho! and back to the sheep ... "

107 111 Daily Ditty #112 113 122

#112  Tuesday, 7 October 1997

Chicken Little got bonked on the head
"Run! The sky is falling!" she said
Now this hardly was true,
Nor a "bolt from the blue"
'Twas a bolt from Cassini instead

108 112 Daily Ditty #113 114 123

#113 Wednesday, 8 October 1997

Cinderella was queen of the the ball
And she started a real Royal Brawl
When at midnight's last stroke
The magic spell broke:
There she stood wearing nothing at all!

109 113 Daily Ditty #114 115 124

#114 Thursday, 9 October 1997

The Gingerbread Man led the chase
Even horses a poor second place
'Till a fox that he met
Got him bothered and wet
He got in her but thus lost the race

110 114 Daily Ditty #115 116 125

#115 Friday, 10 October 1997

Cousin Tom is a Vietnam vet
Who is horny as horny can get
He claims Agent Orange
Makes him swing like a door hinge
And the Air Force, he says, in his debt

111 115 Daily Ditty #116 117 126

#116  Saturday, 11 October 1997

My girlfriend's a strawberry blond
Who confers with the spirits beyond
When she turns out the light
And snuggles up tight
Who cares if they never respond?

112 116 Daily Ditty #117 118 127

#117  Sunday, 12 October 1997

My girlfriend's a stunning brunette
Who claims nobody got to her yet
As we pet by the fire
Building mutual desire -
We'll soon remedy that, you can bet!

113 117 Daily Ditty #118 119 128

#118  Monday, 13 October 1997

My girlfriend has hair of bright red
Disarrayed when we tumble in bed
And her patch of red fuzz
Really tickles me 'cause
It's as soft as the hair on her head

114 118 Daily Ditty #119 120 129

#119  Tuesday, 14 October 1997

My girlfriend has rich auburn hair
To set off her skin, oh, so fair
It all looks so right,
Then we turn out the light;
How she looks then, I really don't care

115 119 Daily Ditty #120 121 130

#120  Wednesday, 15 October 1997

My girlfriend has hair glossy black
Frames her face as she lies on her back
With her legs all akimbo
She's a real classy bimbo,
I can't wait to get her in the sack

116 120 Daily Ditty #121 122 131

#121  Thursday, 16 October 1997

My girlfriend has hair almost white
Translucent when seen in good light
Without trace of a curl:
She's a delicate girl,
A delicious though fragile delight

117 121 Daily Ditty #122 123 132

#122 Friday, 17 October 1997

My girlfriend has hair of spun gold
She's brassy, she's brash and she's bold
She knows what to do
(And insists on it too)
So with her I do just as I'm told
118 122 Daily Ditty #123 124 133

#123 Saturday, 17 October 1997

My girlfriend has hair mousey brown
And her looks will not win her reknown
Though her assets lie hidden
They're not quite forbidden
And the joys there wipe out any frown

119 123 Daily Ditty #124 125 134

#124 Sunday, 19 October 1997

My girlfriend is bald as an egg
(No, I wouldn't be pulling your leg --
With her cancerous condition
For now in remission,
We'll ENJOY, to the very last dreg.)

120 124 Daily Ditty #125 126 135

#125  Monday, 20 October 1997

My REAL girlfriend's hair's turning gray
And I guess I helped make it that way
I think it's divine,
It goes well with mine,
And she's there when I need her each day


I apologize now to you folks
Who come here expecting good jokes
I know some don't care
For a week of bad hair,
Soon it's back to my usual strokes

But there's one going 'round in my head -
Hairy limerick I can't leave for dead -
Just one more I've got
A hair parting shot
And I'll post it before I'm in bed

121 125 Daily Ditty #126 127 136

#126 Tuesday, 21 October 1997

HAIR: A "Parting" shot

My girlfriend has lice in her hair,
In her armpits and even "down there"
They come in three kinds
So one sometimes finds
You can have the damned things everywhere

122 126 Daily Ditty #127 128 137

#127 Wednesday, 22 October 1997

Said the prisoner, "I must look my best,
Polished boots and a suit neatly pressed
At my 'party' today
I will hardly feel gay,
And I dress up when I get depressed."

Said the chaplain, "I think your request
Can be met, and at your behest
Perhaps Sam the Mortician
Can improve your condition
With some duds from a client at rest."

Said the sheriff, "Since you are my guest
I'll be proud if you're wearing a vest
With your necktie just right
You could go down tonight
As 'Horse Thief: Best dressed in the West.'"

123 127 Daily Ditty #128 129 138

#128 Thursday, 23 October 1997

A silver-tongued poet quite oft
Lured a score of young girls to his loft
   First to visit the bard
   No doubt found it hard
But the rest, it is said, had it soft

124 128 Daily Ditty #129 130 139

#129 Friday, 24 October 1997

She said, as she buttoned her dress,
"Playing doctor was fun, but I guess
I prefer playing house
With you as my spouse,    
And it's your turn to clean up this mess."

125 129 Daily Ditty #130 131 140

#130 Saturday, 25 October 1997

if("aunts" rhymeswith("pants"))
        He said, as he buttoned his pants
        "Soon your sisters will all become aunts;
            Though I'd sooner the others
            Would also be mothers;
        Could you make introductions, perchance?"
        On a visit back to his old haunts
        He noted that some of his aunts
            Were single and lonely
            So he figured the only
        Right thing was to see to their wants   

126 130 Daily Ditty #131 132 141

#131 Sunday, 26 October 1997

Will the market on Monday be blue?
Dire predictions of crashes come true?
I will bet you somehow
The expletive "Wow!"
Will be used 'fore the session is through

127 131 Daily Ditty #132 133 142

#132 Monday, 27 October 1997

Well, the market indeed took a thump
Which the spin-doctors call "just a bump"
So go out tomorrow
With all you can borrow
And pick up some bargains -- you chump!

Bad things seem to hit us in three's
We've this crash and the midwestern freeze
So what comes tomorrow
To add to our sorrow?
An earthquake's my bet, if you please ...

128 132 Daily Ditty #133 134 143

#133  Tuesday, 28 October 1997

In English there's three kinds of "t*"
Which y* CAN'T spell, I'll bet you a br*,
In lines like the first.
Y*'ll just work up a thirst
Y* t* 'll find this tr* 'fore you're thr*

129 133 Daily Ditty #134 135 144

#134 Wednesday, 29 October 1997

I went to the nudist resort
In hopes of some really good sport
My advances were spurned,
You can guess where I burned,
And I stink on the volleyball court

My eyeballs got sunburned as well
As I ogled the babes in that dell
The young ones, well tanned
Most surely looked grand;
All the others, I say, looked like hell

130 134 Daily Ditty #135 136 145

#135 Thursday, 30 October 1997

"Damn! Why are you naked?" he cursed
"For my birthday - it's my sixty-first -
I thought I'd look cute 
In a real birthday suit."
"Well, next time, please iron it first!"

131 135 Daily Ditty #136 137 146

#136 Friday, 31 October 1997


A bunny just left, a real cutey
Now another thing comes seeking booty
Red fire in its eyes ...
Dripping fangs of great size ...
Quick, Igor! A stake! Do your duty!

132 136 Daily Ditty #137 138 147

#137 Saturday, 1 November 1997


There was a young man from St. Peters
Whose dong measured fully two meters
Just one thing was wrong,
This magnificent prong
Played only a few local theaters

There was a young man from Hong Kong
Whose pecker was seven feet long
By careful recursion
He'd engage in perversion
With a gay, two girls, and a gong

There was a young man from Gomorrah
Whose cock was two cubits or morrah
Though not welcome in Sodom
What really got him
Was rejection by every last whorah

133 137 Daily Ditty #138 139 148

#138  Sunday, 2 November 1997

I abhor the onslaught of snow
When the cold makes a man ... well, you know,
Shrivel up like a raisin.
I find it amazin'
There exist any young Eskimo

134 138 Daily Ditty #139 140 149

#139 Monday, 3 November 1997

Winter does, I must say, have its charms
-- A warm fire, warmer girl in your arms --
"I skied," (show the miss)
"Down the slope just like THIS ... "
Without setting off any alarms

135 139 Daily Ditty #140 141 150

#140 Tuesday, 4 November 1997


You know NOTHING of issues of note?
Then I urge you to get out and vote!
With no literacy test
You're as good as the rest,
Just follow the crowd and emote!

136 140 Daily Ditty #141 142 151

#141 Wednesday, 5 November 1997

Candy's dandy, they say, but I snicker
At those who say liquor is quicker;
A quick lick of my Candy
Does the trick when I'm randy
Much quicker than candy or liquor

137 141 Daily Ditty #142 143 152

#142 Thursday, 6 November 1997

I thought that my dreams had come true
'Till the masquerade party was through
Then the one so appealing
I'd been covertly feeling
Turned out to be no one but YOU!

(Sorry, I'm grouchy tonight;
Can't seem to get anything right
Which ends up resulting
In verse that's insulting
'Stead of witty and airy and light)

138 142 Daily Ditty #143 144 153

#143 Friday, 7 November 1997

I've no sperm I can donate, I fear
What little I have I hold dear
I hold out each day
For the United Way; 
And I gave at the office last year

139 143 Daily Ditty #144 145 154

#144 Saturday, 8 November 1997

If you're seeking your X-rated dose
Rest assured that this ditty is GROSS
'Till there's no room for more
I won't write one again that comes close!

140 144 Daily Ditty #145 146 155

#145 Sunday, 9 November 1997

In my dreams I'd have many young girls
Different sizes and shapes but all pearls
Gentle hands that would glide
All over my hide
Massaging in sensous swirls

The minimum count, 21,
Is the least that I'd settle for fun
I'd have one to linger
On each toe and finger ...
Each doing what's best to be done

Says my wife (and I know that she's right)
"Such a session would kill your out-right!"
It would kill me, I know;
What a swell way to go!
I wouldn't mind dying tonight ...

141 145 Daily Ditty #146 147 156

#146 Monday, 10 November 1997

A salute to the ladies who post
To the news group that I love the most
They bring a fresh slant
That us gentlemen can't;
To these ladies the following toast:

To the girls who post here, three loud cheers!
They are better by far than their peers
And to those who would snicker
"But can they hold their liquor?"
I answer, "You bet -- By the ears!"

142 146 Daily Ditty #147 148 157

#147 Tuesday, 11 November 1997

Two cannibal thieves wearing hoods
Fell out over ill-gotten goods
Though each swore, "I'm your friend!"
It all came to an end
When a thief passed his friend in the woods

143 147 Daily Ditty #148 149 158

#148 Wednesday, 12 November 1997

Though the Maestro's contention was that
New Wave music was right where it's at
There was strong opposition
To his composition,
"Concerto for Fart in B-flat"

144 148 Daily Ditty #149 150 159

#149 Thursday, 13 November 1997

He frustrates her 'till she could cry
Because he continues to ply
Her with exotic dishes
When all that she wishes:
A simple box lunch at the Y

145 149 Daily Ditty #150 151 160

#150 Friday, 14 November 1997

A dyslexic insomniac agnostic
Lay awake thinking thoughts diagnostic
With his mind in a fog
Asking, "Is there a dog?"
And other things nearly as caustic

146 150 Daily Ditty #151 152 161

#151 Saturday, 15 November 1997

"Dear Abbey, just what should I do?
My Edith tells me that we're through
Last night on the make
I stopped to eat cake ...
How can I have cake, Edith too?"

"Dear reader, whatever you do
Forego cake while attempting to screw
And let me repeat
That if you MUST eat
Let your eating give pleasure to two!"

147 151 Daily Ditty #152 153 162

#152 Sunday, 16 November 1997

PHILADELPHIA: Man caught with a horse;
His wife quickly files for divorce
He does not dispute
The grounds for her suit:
"Infidelity in filly," of course!

148 152 Daily Ditty #153 154 163

#153 Monday, 17 November 1997

A couple were seeking delight
In a graveyard by eerie moonlight
"Gruesome!" he said
"Boy, it sure did!" she said,
"I sure hope you can bury it right ... "

149 153 Daily Ditty #154 155 164

#154 Tuesday, 18 November 1997

As she walked through the graveyard she paled
On confronting a presence that wailed
But this weird bit of vapor
Proved so limp that he utterly failed

150 154 Daily Ditty #155 156 165

#155 Wednesday, 19 November 1997

Some quotes from my friend, the Grim Reaper:
"Dead whores never squeal, and they're cheaper"
"A dead dick, though it's soft,
can really come off,"
And "Dead people do it much deeper."

151 155 Daily Ditty #156 157 166

#156 Thursday, 20 November 1997

Two worms, their love burned like a furnace
In the trash of a children's internist
'Till one said, "Enough
Of this sticky kid stuff,
Let's go and make love in dead Earnest!"

152 156 Daily Ditty #157 158 167

#157  Friday, 20 November 1997

A dweller in classical Greece
Was caught loving the corpse of his niece
He said, "Others have boys
As their classical toys,
Why complain just how *I* get a piece?"

153 157 Daily Ditty #158 159 168

#158 Saturday, 22 November 1997

I traveled today through the State
Which spawned Clinton and also her mate
Was this grisley suggestion
What caused indigestion,
Or the Arkansas food that I ate?

154 158 Daily Ditty #159 160 169

#159 Sunday, 23 November 1997

Arkansas is a state, among others,
Where your aunts are your half-sisters' mothers
Cousins give it a whirl
And a virgin's a girl
Who runs faster than all of her brothers

155 159 Daily Ditty #160 161 170

#160 Sunday, 24 November 1997

The McCaughey's in Des Moines are not quitters
When they must they have babies in litters
I wish them good cheer
But I do greatly fear
This could lead to a shortage of sitters

156 160 Daily Ditty #161 162 171

#161 Tuesday, 25 November 1997

Well, the kids really get in my hair
But I cannot afford an Au Pair
To rattle their brains
'Till they stop being pains
And protect me from getting the chair

157 161 Daily Ditty #162 163 172

There's a vulture that sits on my screen
And smirks at that evil machine
While that buzzard was lurking
The hard drive quit working
And I've commented loud and obscene

158 162 Daily Ditty #163 164 173

#163 Thursday, 27 November 1997

A blacksnake crept up drunk Jake's thigh,
Who exclaimed, when it popped out his fly,
"Big and black, that ah knowed,
 But my! has yo growed,
And whe'fo yo big beady eye?"

159 163 Daily Ditty #164 165 174

#164  Friday, 28 November 1997

She was pretty and young and alive
She came by on a membership drive
I invited her in
And led her to sin --
I had my own member to drive!

160 164 Daily Ditty #165 166 175

#165 Saturday, 29 November 1997

It truly is breaking my heart
'Cause from Texas I'm forced to depart,
But I will not grieve
'Cause us Texans believe
Such a move makes both places more smart

161 165 Daily Ditty #166 167 176

#166 Sunday, 30 November 1997

No fervent respect have I known
For a dog who'd do tricks for a bone
But a few clever bitches
Who've been in my britches
Have shown me some tricks of their own

162 166 Daily Ditty #167 168 177

#167 Monday, 1 December 1997

Her convictions are strong, through I rib her
She will harp on fem rights till I gibber:
"If you're so right
Then get out and fight!"
But she won't:  A real chicken libber

163 167 Daily Ditty #168 169 178

#168 Tuesday, 2 December 1997

"Where's his pee-pee?" she wondered, dismayed
Dressing Barney to take to first grade
I explained, "He looks neater
Without any peter"
She replied, "Well, then, how's he get laid?"

164 168 Daily Ditty #169 170 179

#169 Wednesday, 3 December 1997

Merry Christmas, Ho-Ho, and Good Cheer
I'm afraid that it's that time of year
When a good Jewish boy
Makes a fool of us Goy
And we buy 'till it comes up to here

165 169 Daily Ditty #170 171 180

#170 Thursday, 4 December 1997

The North Pole is a little bit shy
Of girl elves, and I quess that is why
Those reindeer like Vixen
Get a bit extra fixin' --
No wonder those suckers can fly!

166 170 Daily Ditty #171 172 181

My dick I call "Enterprize" for
Its long running quest to explore
   What is unknown to some
   And boldly to come
Where no man has come heretofore

167 171 Daily Ditty #172 173 182

#172  Saturday, 6 December 1997

'Midst the throng that is here 'twixt daybreaks
There are those here for cerebral sakes
So four them (both of you!)
How can this be true:
This limerick contains three misteaks?

168 172 Daily Ditty #173 174 183

#173  Sunday, 7 December 1997

Let's remember Pearl Harbor again
And vow that we'll always make plain
That we'll take no crap
From Arab or Jap
As we recently proved with Hussein ...

169 173 Daily Ditty #174 175 184

#174 Monday, 8 December 1997

The best saleswhiz in history, it's plain
Was one Mary: With lots to explain,
Got the whole world believing
Her way of conceiving
Was "Immaculate," "Free from all stain"

170 174 Daily Ditty #175 176 185

#175 Tuesday, 9 December 1997

The conception of Jesus was virgin
But a thought in my head keeps emergin':
Did virginity stay
Or like preachers today
Did He give in to more worldly urgin'?

171 175 Daily Ditty #176 177 186

#176 Wednesday, 10 December 1997

He, most famous in all history,
Would be doomed now by social decree: 
He'd be locked up today
For didn't He say,
"Suffer little ones come unto me?"

172 176 Daily Ditty #177 178 187

#177 Thursday, 11 December 1997

There once was a girl, kinda shy,
And I was her first (don't known why)
She was grateful as hell,
But afraid she would swell
Not long after I bade her good-bye

[ Few people complain of my style
No matter how vulgar or vile
But it's not my desire
To raise anyone's ire
So I'll lay off of Jesus a while ]

173 177 Daily Ditty #178 179 188

#178 Friday, 12 December 1997

On the couch right away Santa spied
A voluptuous girl, legs spread wide
"Won't you stay?" purred this beauty
He said, "Hell with my duty!
Now I can't fit back up if I tried!"

174 178 Daily Ditty #179 180 189

#179 Saturday, 13 December 1997


I was Santa at Corporate behest
And held kids in my lap while so dressed
There my bosses wee daughter
Lost control of her water
Which left me a wee bit distressed!

175 179 Daily Ditty #180 181 190

#180 Sunday, 14 December 1997


Things started out really quite slow
But the rum in the punch caused a glow
Administrative Assistants
Lost all their resistance;
Thank goodness for fresh mistletoe!

176 180 Daily Ditty #181 182 191

#181 Monday, 15 December 1997


Miss Davies was there, dressed in wool
And we really got going, no bull!
In a closet we might
Just have slipped out of sight
But the damn thing was already full!

177 181 Daily Ditty #182 183 192

#182 Tuesday, 16 December 1997


Any chance for promotion is sunk
My boss and his wife both got drunk
I deflected passes
From both pompous asses,
While both declared *I* was a "hunk"

178 182 Daily Ditty #183 184 193

#183 Wednesday, 17 December 1997


Tom Smith found some way of detaining
Anne White up in Customer Training
Bumped the intercom switch
While seducing her, which    
The rest of us found entertaining

179 183 Daily Ditty #184 185 194

#184 Thursday, 18 December 1997


Though a master of banquet oration
To our CEO's humiliation
What drew every eye
Was his wide-open fly
And what got him a standing ovation ...

180 184 Daily Ditty #185 186 195

#185 Friday, 20 December 1997


'Twas destined, this bash, to bequeath
Joys uncommonly linked with a wreath
Now Anna and Nellie
Have more in their belly
Than ever went in past their teeth

181 185 Daily Ditty #186 187 196

#186 Saturday, 20 December 1997


Miss Grey was a stuffy old maid
Who drank too much punch, I'm afraid
She jumped on the table
Yelled, "Where's the man able
To show me it's fun to get laid?"

182 186 Daily Ditty #187 188 197

#187 Sunday, 21 December 1997


By himself sat computer nerd Hector
Until Mary, the Software Director,
Did a hardware inspection
That caused an erection
And he came in his pocket protector

183 187 Daily Ditty #188 189 198

#188 Monday, 23 December 1997


The Department of Q.C. Assurance
Was the one with the greatest endurance
Their average score
Was seven or more
Plus perversions as extra insurance

184 188 Daily Ditty #189 190 199

#189 Tuesday, 23 December 1997


I assure you that I am no wimp
But my dick in my plans put a crimp
To lay Dawn at dawn;
She stifled a yawn
As she whispered that I was too limp

185 189 Daily Ditty #190 191 200

#190 Wednesday, 24 December 1997


We partied 'till tired to the bone
All too quickly the hours they had flown
The thing finally broke up
But half of us woke up
In beds not our own, nor alone

186 190 Daily Ditty #191 192 201

#191 Christmas Day 1997

Though the Gospels do tell us a lot
About Christ there is much they forgot:
Did some lovely miss
Ever give Him a kiss,
Or was Judas the best that he got?

What did Jesus do while he was growing?
(I'll skip THAT part without even slowing!)
Did He get some ass
From some willing young lass
Or go to the Cross never knowing?

Well, this subject has some people pissed
Just one thought before it's dismissed:
Besides walking on water
Had He son or a daughter?
(His mid-life is shrouded in mist)

As a hybrid, was Jesus Christ sterile?
As a man, was he robust and virile?
Did his Dad's DNA
Ever come into play
For a third generation referral?

And if so, maybe you (even me!)
Might belong on God's own family tree
Perhaps you Devout
Can figure this out,
I admit it's a bit much for me

It's a fact that our mother's grandmothers
At some point relate to all others
Despite all our quibblings
We're really all siblings
Merry Christmas, dear Sisters and Brothers!

187 191 Daily Ditty #192 193 202

#192 Friday, 26 December 1997

Though his front was half switched with behind
Freak Ron's life proved a triumph of mind
That his tool was aft mounted
Was a trial he surmounted
Pleasing girls who were deaf, dumb, and blind

188 192 Daily Ditty #193 194 203

#193 Saturday, 27 December 1997

Jan's appendix came out in a session
That left a real lasting impression
Now she tells us with pride
She makes more on the side
Than her regular day-time profession

189 193 Daily Ditty #194 195 204

#194 Sunday, 28 December 1997

Jenny Lou from next door came for dinner
And attempted to make me a sinner
Rubbed her belly on mine
In a way so divine
That I came - though I never got in her

As a farm lad my life's a disaster
Screwing sheep is a skill I can't master
I still don't know how
To make love to a cow
And my sister can run a lot faster

190 194 Daily Ditty #195 196 205

#195 Monday, 29 December 1997

Hermaphrodite Johnathan-Sue
Kept real cool through the worst you could do
When told, "Go fuck yourself!"
He/She'd grin like an elf
And say, "Thanks, I don't mind if I do!"

191 195 Daily Ditty #196 197 206

#196 Tuesday, 30 December 1997

Sally Mae nearly got me in Dutch
From her habit of smoking too much
'Till I lessened my stroke
To cut down on the smoke
While still keeping her warm to the touch

One evening she fulfilled her dream
Of laying the whole hockey team
Which really was nice
'Till they fell through the ice
Which was weakened, I guess, by the steam

192 196 Daily Ditty #197 198 207

#197  Wednesday, 31 December 1997



Boy, this country has sunk in the mire
When the man that we choose to admire
Is too meek to inhale
And stays out of jail
'Cause of people too scared to inquire


There have always been chiefs who subscribe
To put wampum ahead of the tribe
   (Let's not cause a disruption
   and mention corruption
Or suggest that this smacks of a bribe)


The food industry's been very clever
Our bad eating habits to sever
It's low fat or fat free
And all low calorie ... 
So how come we're fatter than ever?


Once child-care was left up to Mothers
We revered them above all the others
Now a gal with career
Is the one we revere
Thinking house-wife a life style that smothers

For this change thank your fem'nist protesters
And the interests of greedy investors
Which put kids in the care
Of some friendly au pair
Or a day-care that's staffed by molesters


It's a gruesome procedure, 'tis plain
Mere description should cause you great pain
The kid is not dead,
All is born but his head,
Which they shrink by removing his brain


HIV is a nasty infection
Most readily spread by injection
Its spread could be foiled
If injectors were boiled
But the queers seem to have some objection


The Viet Cong beat us, by Christ!
At a terrible, terrible price ...
So we work to keep poor
Little Cuba, next door
While Saigon is the one we treat nice


Though THAT war we don't count a loss
Over this point we shouldn't now gloss:
We've caused millions great pain
Just to "punish" Hussein
It's so good that we've shown him who's boss...


One generation ago
We basked in the glorious glow
Of our quest for the moon;
Well, it ended too soon
Now I doubt my grandchildren will go


Despite all our expert's persistence
Diseases can muster resistance
So ebola and flu
And other things too
Can threaten our very existence


Janet Reno completed some math;
Billy Gates is now feeling her wrath
This bucks, some do say,
The American way ...
"Stomp anyone blocking your path!"


Software written by me and my peers
Wasn't written to last years and years
Now they pay us big bucks
Fixing software that sucks
While soothing big management's fears


This year our boy Jack can lay claim
To a certain, well ... undying(?) fame
This guy, I say here
Should be Man of the Year
(Though most people misspell his name)


They claim that we've balanced the budget
That's important, we should not misjudge it;
Although some detractors
Can point out some factors
Were doctored in order to fudge it

Right now we're well off, it is true
That's what matters to me and to you
I hope '98
Will be just as great
Despite what the bureaucrats do

193 197 Daily Ditty #198 199 208

#198  Thursday, 1 January 1998

'98, and I firmly resolve
To write limericks that do not involve
Any words that allude
To things vulgar or crude  ...

(Ah, shit, that's a rhyme I can't solve)

'98, and I swear I will pass
Any writing that's lowly and crass
I'll take every pain
To attain a high plane ...

(Well, stick that idea up your ass!)

Well, maybe and just for a start
I'll avoid any reference to "fart"
Just write something silly
While I munch on this chili ...

(Damn stuff blows my asshole apart)

194 198 Daily Ditty #199 200 209

#199  Friday, 2 January 1998

Why consider two sexes essential?
There is multi-sexual potential
For tri-sexuals and gays
To do it six ways;
After pentas it goes exponential