Filthy Oldies

In this section I have a few "classics." Most of these I could recite in grade school -- and that was during World War II. I am sure some of them are MUCH older than that.

There are some unfortunate aspects to these verses. Most of them are unabashedly filthy, which I suppose is why they have such universal appeal. If you love limericks you've probably already heard them. And, every couple of weeks or so some clown hears one of them for the first time, says "Wow!" and rushes to his computer to post it to .alt.jokes.limericks, where it's already been posted eleven thousand times. Hence the following:

PLEASE DO NOT POST THESE, OR UN-ORIGINAL VARIANTS OF THESE, TO .alt.jokes.limericks. We've heard them before entirely too many times, and are heartily sick of them.

The versions here are the best of many versions that I've heard over the years. If you think you have a better version, e-mail it to me and if I agree I'll put it here. And if you know of any others, send 'em along: Most of these were typed in a single session, and I'm sure I missed a few.

The most commonly posted limericks:

There once was a lad from Nantucket
Whose cock was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin
"If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it."

There was a young lady from Dallas
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And her asshole at Buckingham Palace

There was an old hermit named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in his cave
He said, "I'll admit
I'm a bit of a shit,
But think of the money I save!"

There was a young fellow from Kent
Whose cock was so long that it bent
To save himself trouble
He put it in double
And instead of comming, he went

A lesbian bride and her groom
Asked a fairy up into their room
They spent the whole night
In a hell of a fight
As to who should do what, and to whom

There was a young priest from South Kings
Who preached about God and such things
But his secret desire
Was a boy in the choir
With an ass just like Jello on springs

There was a young fellow from Grasse
Whose balls were made out of brass
They tinkled together
And played "Stormy Weather"
And lightning shot out of his ass

There was a young fellow named Jean
Who invented a jerk-off machine
The fuckin' thing broke
On the twentieth stroke
And whipped both his balls to a cream


There was a young fellow named Jean
Built a GREAT masturbation machine
Concave or convex
It would fit either sex
But the thing was a bastard to clean

There was a young man of L'Hore
Whose dink was one inch and no more
Which was all right for keyholes
And little girls' pee holes
But no good at all with a whore

Once said an old fellow from Greece,
"What I like more than a piece
Is to have my pudenda
Gently rubbed by the enda
The little pink nose of my niece."

Just as "good" but seldom posted limericks:

There was a young lad from Podunk
Habitually slept in a trunk
While dreaming that Venus
Was stroking his penis
He woke up all covered with gunk

There was a young lady from France
Who hopped on a freight train by chance
The fireman fucked her
As did the conductor
And the brakeman shit in his pants

At the orgy I humped twenty-two
I was bushed before I was through
Though a whole night of sexing
Is boring and vexing -
At an orgy, what else can you do?

There was a young girl of Peru
Who had nothing whatever to do
So she sat on the stairs
and counted cunt hairs:
Four thousand - three hundred - and two.

Said an irate young whore in Hong Kong,
"I think you are utterly wrong
To say my vagina's
The largest in China
Just because of your mean little dong."

And funny though merely PG-rated:

Let us all tip our hats to the Persians
Whom we note for their sexual diversions
They make love all day
In the usual way
And save up the nights for perversions

There was a young fellow named Skinner
Who took a young lady to dinner
At a quarter to nine
They started to dine
At a quarter to ten it was in her.

(The dinner, not Skinner; skinner was
in her BEFORE dinner.)

And some non-limerick verse worth reading:

The sexual desires of the camel
Are stronger than anyone thinks
One night in a seizure of passion
He tried to make love to the sphinx
Now the Sphinx is made our of sandstone
And rocks that outcrop on the Nile
Which accounts for the hump on the camel
And the Sphinx's inscrutable smile