I haven't done a lick of Java yet. I had to go up to Iowa to lend a hand to one of those little Midland companies, just haven't had the time. Maybe next time you look here ...

Texans always lie. We have to. It's the only moral way keep the rest of the world from suffering from envy.

Actually, my family and I are transplanted Yankees. So we've already heard that the only thing a Texan fears more than a Mexican with a knife is a Yankee with a U-Haul.

When we put our kids in school the interviewer asked if Andre had a speech impediment. My wife said, "Well, he speaks with a Yankee accent." The gal behind the desk (writing busily) opined "Thet's shore an impediment, all right!"

I used to fly for a living. Once, at a major metropolitan airport, I heard an interchange between the tower and a little Piper Cherokee:

"XYZ tower, this is Piper 1234. A control cable has snapped, I'm having trouble controlling this thing, request emergency straight in to runway 33."

"Roger, Piper 1234. Understand you're declaring an emergency. United 457, go around; American 962, hold short of runway 33. Piper 1234, I believe I have you in sight, moving erratically two southeast; you're cleared to land 33, straight in. Emergency crews notified; no time to foam the runway; any other assistance we can give you?"

"Negative, XYZ. I think we're gonna make it okay, but it's a wild ride. We're pitchin' and buckin' like a Brahma bull. Piper 1234, over."

"Okay, 1234. For the record, can you say home base and number of persons on board."

"Roger, XYZ. We're out of DFW and we have fifty people on board."

"Uh ... This is XYZ tower. Did you say FIFTY people? In a Cherokee??"

"Affirmative, XYZ. Piper 1234, short final."

To make a long story short, the plane made a bumpy but safe landing. Once on the ground they switched over to ground control (as did I), where I heard this exchange.

"Piper 1234, this is XYZ ground control. I understand you have fifty people on board. Please taxi to the general aviation area and pull up in the empty area west of Butler Aviation. Security personnel will meet you there. ... and, buddy, if fifty people don't get out, I'm afraid there's going to be trouble!"

"XYZ ground, this is Piper 1234. Roger that. I've already cracked the door, they'll be comin' out fast soon as I stop."

I was at the general avaition area, and jumped up on a bench to get a better view as the Cherokee pulled up as ordered. The door, already half open, swung the rest of the way, and FIFTY TEN-GALLON HATS CAME TUMBLING OFF THE WING AND SCURRIED TOWARDS THE TERMINAL. The final exchange over the ground control frequency:

[tower]"What the HELL is all that?"

[Piper]"That, sir, is fifty Texans with the shit scared out of 'em."

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