295 199 Daily Ditty #300 301 310

#300  Monday, 13 April 1998

BELATED PALM SUNDAY

Some poets link Clinton, that clown
With Jesus of holy renown
They're a whole different class
(Though when it comes to ass -
They both rode a donkey to town)

(This is much improved over the original
thanks to Barbara (Bktep ))

296 300 Daily Ditty #301 302 311

#301  Tuesday, 14 April 1998

Can somebody please tell me why
(As I painfully prod, poke and pry
My tool, sorely mangled
From the steel where it's tangled) 
Fine Velcro's not used for a fly?

297 301 Daily Ditty #302 303 312

#302  Wednesday, 15 April 1998

"Tell the court, please, have you ever been
Down with clap, will you please, Mr. Quinn?"
"Never! No way!
And man, I sure pray
That I don't never git it ag'in!"

298 302 Daily Ditty #303 304 313

#303  Thursday, 16 April 1998

Reverend Johnson got slapped into jail
For molesting some under-aged quail
Where ol' Budda made haste
To give HIM a taste
Of an over-sized tool in the tail

299 303 Daily Ditty #304 305 314

#304  Friday, 17 April 1998

HORROR STORY

You reach out, there's no paper there
In panic you search for a spare
But the kids took their toll
There isn't a roll
What to do now's a scary affair ...

300 304 Daily Ditty #305 306 315

#305  Saturday, 18 April 1998

Reverend Johnson was very devout
But at times he let too much hang out
Now the reverend's deposed
For what he exposed
(Unlike Clinton, who has too much clout)

301 305 Daily Ditty #306 307 316

The girl from next door, Miss Correnti,
Often comes by and riles me up plenty
But Peter, my bookie,
Says, "Pass on that nooky
'Cause sixteen just might get you twenty!"

302 306 Daily Ditty #307 308 317

"How can I get rid of," asked the Kaiser,
"Pubic hair that's unwanted?" His advisor
Replied, "Without doubt
You can just spit it out,
Then rinse with a Schlitz or Budweiser!"

303 307 Daily Ditty #308 309 318

"A statistic I've just now devised:
If all girls of which chorus lines are comprised
In New York," said my friend,
"Were laid end to end
I'd not be the least bit surprised"

304 308 Daily Ditty #309 310 319

There once was a man from New York
Who ate with a knife and a fork
Some quail, very young
Better served with some tongue
Or some tender but well-done young pork

305 309 Daily Ditty #310 311 320

Before Chat there was one time Ham Radio
Which brought me a mighty fine lady-o
Who keyed with a stutter ...
In depravity utter
She didah dah dit, dahdah dit, and laid me so!

(Thanks Fester, I forgot that "dah-dit"
With some work could be molded to fit
Into this form of verse
With its meter perverse
And appeal for us people of wit

... That helps us to chuckle a bit
... Even loved by the unsmiling Brit
... More suited to ass, cock and clit
... I'll put this idea in my kit
... Which I love like a well rounded tit
... Which appeals to the nerd and the twit
... And the charm of a well ripened zit
... And its content right out of the pit
... And its place deep in good English Lit
... Which 'twixt reason and rhyme helps us flit
... Much beloved by all men of true grit
... And appeal for all lovers of shit
... helping Les with his cow make a hit
... And rhymes so preposterous, dagnabbit!
... Now I guess that it's time that I quit!)

306 310 Daily Ditty #311 312 321

(I hadn't seen anything about Les's cow lately ...)

Though she surely won't bless you with babies
A heifer can pose a few maybes
With a flapping fruit bat
You avoid all of that --
What a helluva way to get rabies!

307 311 Daily Ditty #312 313 322

As a lad, I had Ray as a friend
But our friendship soon came to an end
Diddling ducks at the lake
I caught HIM with a DRAKE!
Such perversion I could not defend

308 312 Daily Ditty #313 314 323

MORE FOWL PLAY

"Was I Born?" asked the chick. The hen (pickin'):
"First laid and then hatched, barely kickin'"
"Well, do people get laid?"
"Not all, I'm afraid;
Most do but a few are too chicken!"

You should know that a rooster can't pee
So his breath contains much NH3
That bird has no penis
And so just between us
Why do hens prefer him over me?

On occasion us farmboys would spit
On the vent -- Where a hen passes shit
Then this organ would spasm
Like cervical orgasm
Has a paper been published on it?

309 313 Daily Ditty #314 315 324

I recently had a flirtation
With the scholarly word "dissertation"
But I messed up I guess
The professor professed
I should take a long (permanent!) vacation

310 314 Daily Ditty #315 316 325

Last evening I found a real dish
She was all any fellow could wish
Now that daylight is here
And my head starts to clear --
God, she's ugly and smells like a fish

311 315 Daily Ditty #316 317 326

Today, girls, I met with a snake
Boy! Could he wriggle and shake!
Just put him in your fuzz
And let that guy buzz -
What a hell of a dildo he'd make!

No mere foot, but a full yard in size
Just think how he'd feel 'twixt your thighs
If your man got too antsy
To get in your pants he
Might slow down a bit from surprise

312 316 Daily Ditty #317 318 327

Maggie once did it with stallions
And athletes with lots of medallions
But she's into these days
The fresh vegetable craze,
Making do with zucchinis and scallions

Maggie once loved her meat rare and juicy
But her lover turned dainty and fruitsy
Now she's all done with meat
And when she's in heat
Shares a root with her old buddy Lucy

Maggie once had a fling with young Davey
Who filled up her snatch with warm gravy
Though his meat was well-done
He left with a bun
In the oven and scrammed for the Navy

313 317 Daily Ditty #318 319 328

Hey, girls, are you tired of that slob?
Have you ever tried corn on the cob?
Seven bumps to the inch
Never tires in the clinch
(Though you might miss the twitch and the throb)

314 318 Daily Ditty #319 320 329

Bill's distracted, he says, by detractors
Disturbing Democratic benefactors;
But recession's not looming,
The economy's booming
Urged on by some SERIOUS factors

315 319 Daily Ditty #320 321 330

Hurrah! for a great GDP!
Our economy's gone on a spree
Despite leaders quite droll
It stays on a roll
(Hope a bit of it rubs off on me!)

316 320 Daily Ditty #321 322 331

My condolences to the mosquito
Had she made it her feat would be neat-o:
Like many a chick
She'd suck you-know-who's dick
All she got was a quick Clinton veto



From my kids in elementary school:

POLL OF YOUNG WOMEN IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

Asked the poll, "Would you answer yes when
Asked for sex in the President's den?"
Here's how the poll went:
87%
Told the pollsters, "No, never again!"

317 321 Daily Ditty #322 323 332

My troubles are worse and beyond
All the trials all you others are fond
Of profoundly expressing
Could it get more distressing?
I'm married, you see, to a blond

It isn't the things that bring glee
To the viewers of sitcom TV
The problem's worse yet -
How bad can it get?
The thing is she's smarter than me!

318 322 Daily Ditty #323 324 333

My daughter has been downright charming
Her manner quite smooth and disarming
Since she's in her teens
I'm afraid that this means
That there's something she's done quite alarming

319 323 Daily Ditty #324 325 334

On the car seat my son left a stain
Which I didn't ask him to explain
But it made me feel proud
(Though it must be allowed
HER dad would've viewed it with pain)

*****

(Male Chauvinist Pig? Yes, I am
Claiming anything else would be sham
Girls should be chaste
For boys, that's a waste
And frankly, I don't give damn!)

320 324 Daily Ditty #325 326 335

There once was a stand-up comedian
Cracked impotence jokes encyclopedian
With Viagra the rage
Both on and off stage
His standings now stand above median

321 325 Daily Ditty #326 327 336

There was a young girl from New York
Who said she'd accept no one's dork
Then along came a queer
Who stuck his up her rear
Now she guards both her holes with a cork

There once was a girl from Paris
Who said, "No one has gotten to me!"
Then the Bishop of Rheims
Changed all that it seems
And she hardly takes time out to pee

There was a young girl from Dakar
Who claimed, "No one has gotten that far!"
Then a fellow from Sidney
Drove it up to her kidney
While driving her home in his car

A maiden from old Leningrad
Claimed never to ever been had
'Till I came along
With my oversize schlong
And had her, and boy! Was she glad!

(There are girls from equator to pole
Who claim no one's been into their hole
You can cover the girth
Of the whole friggin' earth
To come up with limericks droll)

322 326 Daily Ditty #327 328 337

MOTHER'S DAY

How ironic that Mom passed away
On this bright sunny warm Mother's Day
Now I can love mother
As I love no other:
She'd be SO proud to know I'm not gay!

323 327 Daily Ditty #328 329 338

Seinfeld? Now who the hell's he?
That's one guy I never did see
I've heard that he's clever,
But look at him? Never!    
Then I'd have to put up with TV

*****

Can you say what's become of Tom Lehrer?
As a comic that guy was a terror
Not at all circumspect
His career got wrecked
Just for telling the truth! What an error!

It seems in a song Tom implied
That a National Hero, our pride,
Was a Nazi, disloyal
To ANYONE's soil
And the lawyers, of course, took his side

It seems Tom was right all along
But the lawsuit for sure stilled his song
Your chances are zero
'Gainst a popular hero
Doesn't matter you're right or you're wrong

Well, Tom, wherever you are,
You rank in my mind as a star
But the public's as silly
About someone called Willie ...
And your satire would get just as far.

324 328 Daily Ditty #329 330 339

They say Little Willie was bent
On finding ways to circumvent
Just about every law
In Hope, Arkansas -
So on to the White House he went!

325 329 Daily Ditty #330 331 340

Little Willie says, "Ah have mah own
Set of morals -- as Ah have shown.
"Ah won't go to jail
'Cause Ah didn't inhale,
And Ah didn't get laid, only blown!"

326 330 Daily Ditty #331 332 341

By the swimming hole, on a shortcut
Priest and rabbi spied lots of bare butt
The priest lost his poise,
Said, "Let's fuck those boys!"
And the rabbi replied, "Out of what?"

327 331 Daily Ditty #332 333 342

Twenty cheerleaders chartered a flight
Things went wrong and their chances grew slight
Though the crewmen weren't brutes
There were only three 'chutes
And three crewmen to ponder their plight

"We can save our own butts, that is clear,
but what of those girls in the rear?"
"Ah, fuck 'em!" said one
"Say, that would be fun --"
"Is there time to?" asked the flight engineer

328 332 Daily Ditty #333 334 343

We're half way to the code of the beast
We're wicked, depraved, and at least
As welcome as rabies
So bring on the babies
And Roll Aides, we're having a feast

329 333 Daily Ditty #334 335 344

At the church the revival is humming
There's singing and crying and strumming
Of more than the band --
Like my girlfriend's hand --
Sweet Jesus, I'm coming, I'M COMING!

In my town revivals are tops
They close up the schools and the shops
For an orgy gone wild
Where young girls are defiled
And there's regular raids by he cops


DISCLAIMER: These verses are a work of
fiction.  Any resemblance to any person
or town, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

330 334 Daily Ditty #335 336 345

If eating a duck gets you down
In the mouth, you can wipe out that frown
With a taste of wild beaver
Or send your retriever
To pick up some pussy in town

In season there's always young lamb
(Out of season you'll get in a jamb:
Like under aged quail
It can land you in jail;
Better leave it alone, as I am)

Nearly no man I know ever knocks
The joys of some tender young fox
   A slender young vixen
   More tricky than Nixon
Can blow you right out of your socks

If you like you might get in a deer
To enjoy in your home without fear
Which, however, ages
In unpleasant stages:
Endure then your game without cheer

You can always make do with a pig
If you're not too much of a prig
And think them "unclean"
And other things mean
'Till your sense of disgust gets too big

Or, turning away from the hog
There is always the plain homely dog
Though no feast for the eyes
It's enough for the wise
When fortified with enough grog

331 335 Daily Ditty #336 337 346

Said the zoo keeper, mangled and dyin',
"Well, I hope you won't blame me for tryin';
Although it is true
I'd try anything gnu
I exceeded good sense with that lion ..."

332 336 Daily Ditty #337 338 347

Said a horny young man from Calais
(Who masturbated all day)
"It's safer than swimmin',
And neater than women,
And it's only myself that I pay!"

A maid met that man from Calais
And exclaimed, "Oh, don't throw that away!
I won't charge a fee
If you use it on me
And we'll have lots of fun in the hay!"

Now that randy young pair from Calais
Watch fifteen young kids as they play
At games with each other
- Sister and brother --
And they all seem to like it that way!

333 337 Daily Ditty #338 339 348

It will be a historical day
When the data shows I have my way
And "data" 's not plural
And urban or rural
The "an" before "h" goes away

Intelligentsia just love their datums
And that filters down through the stratums
To people like me
Without a degree
When we talk about quarks, charm, and atoms

I live in an house by the shore
On an hill with an hotel next door
Where I heard an hiss
From an haughty young miss
When I spent an whole lot on an whore

334 338 Daily Ditty #339 340 349

Said the faggot, "I love whom I'm with
And I'd so like to dithspel the myth
That uth gays are so scary
Or you have to be wary,
And I'll prove it right now with a kith!"

335 339 Daily Ditty #340 341 350

CURRENT CONDITIONS IN EAST TEXAS

It's hazy 'round here, that's no jokin'
An' ah cain't ask mah neighbors what's smokin'
'Cause it's Mexican smoke
Not their usual toke
An' ah cain't hardly speak for the chokin'

336 340 Daily Ditty #341 342 351

Earth quivers and quakes every day
In relations with Sol, so some say
Does the Earth get its rocks
On rude aftershocks
Or is this just cosmic foreplay?

337 341 Daily Ditty #342 343 352

How are you this memorial day?
Better off, I do hope and I pray
Than millions of vets
Whom our nation forgets
When remembering ceases to pay ...

338 342 Daily Ditty #343 344 353

I went on a jungle excursion
On a mission of Christian conversion
I came back, if you please
With a social disease
And converted to native perversion

339 343 Daily Ditty #344 345 354

To the aliens we're incomprehensible
When they asked me, I said, "That's not sensible
- Taking you to our king -
We don't have such a thing -
What we DO have's downright reprehensible!"

340 344 Daily Ditty #345 346 355

When the aliens paid a visit last night
Their musing gave me quite a fright:
"Chuck the whole Earth away!"
"No, I say we spray!"
"But will that stop this damned Human blight?"

341 344 Daily Ditty #346 347 356

#346  Friday, 29 May 1998

"Oh, how nice that they both have The Bomb,"
The alien said with aplomb
"With just a few flashes
They'll top all the clashes
We've watched since before Vietnam.

"Just think of the carnage to be,"
Said the alien, winking at me,
"If their hate doesn't fizzle
Tens of millions will sizzle -
What a pleasant thing for us to see.

"Is it Hindus and Muslims who fight
To prove to each other who's right?
Gentle Christians and Jews
Should horn in with THEIR views
And some more from the left and the right.

"It really will be quite a show.
Do you think the arms merchants will know
They've themselves but to thank
When their children grow lank,
Suffused with a soft bluish glow?

"Millions killed, millions maimed and dismembered
Cities blazing, homes burned, charred and embered
And you do it because
You must all serve THE CAUSE ...
(If indeed it is even remembered.)

"With luck then the conflict will spread
Until every last human is dead
Then it won't be a sin
To quickly move in ...
Or maybe cockroaches instead.

"Oh, I DO think you're SO very clever!
I knew you were smart but I never
Did quite realize
You could self sterilize,
Cleansing your own world forever."

342 344 Daily Ditty #347 348 357

#347  Saturday, 30 May 1998

"It's backwards!" the alien said, puzzled.
"On my world the intern'd be guzzled.
Here the intern's the eater
- But only his peter -
And it's critics the public wants muzzled!"

343 347 Daily Ditty #348 349 358

#348  Sunday, 31 May 1998

"I once watched a crew land a four-eng-
ine bomber in tatters -- and your enj-
oyment of the daunting
Is galaxy haunting --
So where is the challenge in 'orange'?

"Now you humans are black, brown or white
And to rhyme those is almost TOO trite!
Can you take in stride
My bright purple hide?
'Betcha cannot solve THAT one tonight!"

344 348 Daily Ditty #349 350 359

#349  Monday, 2 June 1998

The alien has dicks in his thumbs
Which he puts in her ears when he comes
He keeps them retracted
For foreplay protracted
And sure gets a buzz when she hums

The alien's eyes are on stalks
Which jiggle and dance when he talks
He loves to give kisses
With the part where he pisses
And leaves a slime trail where he walks

The female has tits on the tips
Of her tentacles, slender as whips
When she wants to be kind
Slips them in behind
Where the male drinks in small dainty sips

When the best mating rituals are staged
You might think they were truly enraged
But when she sticks her toes
All the way up his nose
It's a sure sign they're almost engaged

345 349 Daily Ditty #350 351 360

#350  Tuesday, 2 June 1998

Though the alien plead and beseech
There are things you must keep out of reach
No, not alcohol -
It has no clout at all -
But watch out when he gets into bleach!

346 350 Daily Ditty #351 352 361

#351  Wednesday, 3 June 1998

"Look there!" said the alien, "That's neat!"
'Twas a sign that said, "ALL YOU CAN EAT"
So he ate the waiter,
Some plates, and the Maitre
d' topped with sour cream and dilled beet

347 351 Daily Ditty #352 353 362

#352  Thursday, 4 June 1998

An alien rake on the loose
Made love to a Canada goose
The offspring of the two
Had a lavender hue
With shadings of brown, gray, and puce

348 352 Daily Ditty #353 354 363

#353  Friday, 5 June 1998

Said the alien, "This is good-bye!"
And it left without telling me why
BUT ... "It" was a "her"
And there's lavender fur
Caught up in the teeth of my fly ...

349 353 Daily Ditty #354 355 364

#354  Saturday, 6 June 1998

The worm, bless her soul, has both sexes
In his body, which sorely perplexes
Those of us mono-sexed.
Perhaps they, far from vexed,
Have more fun than a whorehouse in Texas

350 354 Daily Ditty #355 356 365

#355  Sunday, 7 June 1998

Some Hindus, disciples of Charon,
Scheme with Muslims to turn our world barren
They're so EVIL, you see ...
I'm so glad that WE
Wouldn't stoop to use nukes, germs, or sarin ...

351 355 Daily Ditty #356 357 1

#356  Monday, 8 June 1998

I am proud of this grand USA
The greatest of nations today
All other folks cower
'Fore this great superpower
We're on top and I like it that way!

We're a tolerant nation of brothers
Who love apple pie and our mothers
We're allowed to keep guns
Make outrageous puns
And export all our vices to others

We are destined to lead and not trample
The proof in our history is ample
You can be sure
Our leadership pure
Is only one shining example

We're a capitalist land of rebates
Who encourage competitive traits
Which benefits all,
The great and the small,
As is proved by Tobacco and Gates

352 356 Daily Ditty #357 358 2

#357  Tuesday, 9 June 1998

The nation of Jews (so they say)
Has suffered a lot it in its day
As proof they're superior:
How they treat inferior
Folks they hold under their sway

353 357 Daily Ditty #358 359 3

#358  Wednesday, 10 June 1998

It's so good people worship their gods
So uplifting for generals and clods
When they pray as they oughter
'Fore joining the slaughter
Of others with whom they're at odds

354 358 Daily Ditty #359 360 4

#359  Thursday, 11 June 1998 SIX

For freedom of choice we've such thirst
Any kid in the way will be cursed
You can suck out his brain
To be flushed down the drain ...
Just as long as his head's not out first

355 359 Daily Ditty #360 361 5

#360  Friday, 12 June 1998

The gun lobbies have lots of gall
So do those who want no guns at all
So here is the puzzle:
Should we muzzle the muzzle,
Or those who would muzzle us all?

356 360 Daily Ditty #361 362 6

#361  Saturday, 13 June 1998

If a man kills a man, execution
Seems a righteous and just retribution
Appeasing our lust
To assault the unjust
And of course helps him make restitution

Our judicial system's just right
For it spares those with money and might
Thus preserving our leaders
while it helps bottom feeders
(The lawyers) make dough left and right

Boys will be boys, it is said
And a boy sometimes makes someone dead
So we send him to school
So he's nobody's fool -
Next time he'll go scott-free instead

Undertakers and sellers of cars
Doctors, lawyers, and super sport stars
With Clinton and Gates
Should all be room mates
Spending quality time behind bars

357 361 Daily Ditty #362 363 7

#362 Sunday, 14 June 1998

If you think our race policy fails
Check out stats on all types of house sales
Blacks and Hispanics
Really help avert panics,
For so many of them live in jails

358 362 Daily Ditty #363 364 8

#363  Monday, 15 June 1998

Let's cheer for school prayer, ONE-TWO-THREE!
How could prayer hurt our right to be free?
Religious rules
Wouldn't hurt kids in schools
Just as long as they pray just like me

359 363 Daily Ditty #364 365 9

#364  Tuesday, 16 June 1998

The latest religion is SCIENCE
On which we place utmost reliance
All thoughts of our seers
Are reviewed by their peers
No one DARES bring up facts in defiance!

Us Scientists all work together
Comprehending all things high and nether
Our ability grows
To crack the cosmos
As is proved by our mastery of weather

360 364 Daily Ditty #365 1 10

#365  Wednesday, 17 June 1998

You've been a great audience! Wow!
Though lately I guess I'll allow
I've left some of you sore
For I've tried hard to gore
Almost everyone's own sacred cow

And I guess in a way I've been mean
In this place where we love the obscene
I have for a while
Used a cynical style
And kept all my shit squeaky clean

A lack of good verse I bemoan
And my first visits here made me groan
But I learned in software
Don't tear out your hair
When you can't get good stuff, write your own

This newsgroup once seemed in a jamb
Few newbies showed up worth a damn
And postings were sparse
So I got off my arse
To try to help drown out the spam ...

Now there's plenty of people in here
Spreading limericks and filth and good cheer
(Although lately it's chat
That's most where it's at)
And all spammers have left out of fear

For a year now I've posted these verses
I've been praised and received a few curses
And managed to hack it
Despite this straight jacket
And attendants and doctors and nurses

This here is my very last Ditty
It isn't especially witty
I hope you've enjoyed
This means I've employed
To excel, just like old Walter Mitty

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