95 99 Daily Ditty #100 101 110#100 Thursday, 25 September 1997 She was beautiful, young, but too snide: "You can try, but you won't get inside!" I thought she was joking Until I tried poking; All I dented that night was my pride (Well, surprise! I have now reached one hundred I intend to go on, 'case you've wondered, 'Cause I'm still going strong, Though don't get me wrong, I'm aware of a few where I've blundered!)96 100 Daily Ditty #101 102 111
#101 Friday, 26 September 1997 We tell children, to give them a fright, About "Things that go Bump in the Night" But rather than frightful Some bumping's delightful When the bumpers are doing it right97 101 Daily Ditty #102 103 112
#102 Saturday, 27 September 1997 Last night I was doing my wash When a woman came in and by gosh She stripped her kids bare, Said, "For clean underwear On our budget we can't be too posh." I said, "M'am, don't your children get chilly?" She said, "Mister, you're sure talking silly; I feed 'em on greens, Potatoes and beans, That Mexican stuff is too frilly!" She chose "Pre-soak," then quick as a wink She popped all three kids in the sink As she bathed them she said, "Would you have me instead Put clean clothes on young bodies that stink?" Well, I must say her ways were proficient, The results thereof more than sufficient But somehow I think One of us needs a shrink; I could never be quite so efficient98 102 Daily Ditty #103 104 113
#103 Sunday, 28 September 1997 A week ago, much to my sorrow I said I would pay off, tomorrow ... Booky, Feds, and ex-wife Now all threaten my life Have you got fifty grand I can borrow?99 103 Daily Ditty #104 105 114
#104 Monday, 28 September 1997 At the whorehouse the homely Miss Bright Tallied tricks that went clear out of sight Her outstanding feature: This former schoolteacher Made you practice 'till you got it RIGHT!
100 104 Daily Ditty #105 106 115
#105 Tuesday, 30 September 1997 I should sing you a song of September And of life dying down to an ember I should reminisce About that and of this But it's all too damn hard to remember ...101 105 Daily Ditty #106 107 116
#106 Wednesday, 1 October 1997 We've been told to "forgive and forget" But I think that advice is all wet 'Cause he did unto me Like a dog to a tree And I'm going to get back at him yet! Though vengance we're told is all wrong His crowing would not go on long If I could just get Him to the right vet He'd be singing a higher-pitched song102 106 Daily Ditty #107 108 117
#107 Thursday, 2 October 1997 "I've endured twenty years of bad sex," Said the wife, "And it really does vex." Laughed the husband, "Well I Am unwilling to try Upgrading your beaus to MY specs!"103 107 Daily Ditty #108 109 118
#108 Friday, 3 October 1997 Ethnic food has its own small domain In the middle of town. I ate lo mien And tacos and noodles And blintzes and strudels ... Now I wonder which one gave me ptomaine ...104 108 Daily Ditty #109 110 119
#109 Saturday, 4 October 1997 The Wolf caught Little Red where she skipped "Gonna rape ya!" he gleefully quipped "Uh-uh," said our Red, "You'll eat me instead, In this limerick you follow the script!"
105 109 Daily Ditty #110 111 120#110 Sunday, 5 October 1997 Growled Pa Bear, "Someone's been in my bed!" "And mine," Ma said, "Look at that spread!" Baby Bear,most polite, Gently put out the light, "Nighty-night, folks," was all that he said106 110 Daily Ditty #111 112 121
#111 Monday, 6 October 1997 Snow White took on seven small men Who continued their love even when After entering coma She gained an aroma That was "oh" on a scale one to ten They built a glass case, put her in Took her out now and then just for sin But from death she arose When (with cold in his nose) Prince Charming embraced her within She left them, all seven, to weep When the prince took her off to his keep But said Grumpy, "Oh, Hell, I admit it was swell, But it's hi, Ho! and back to the sheep ... "107 111 Daily Ditty #112 113 122
#112 Tuesday, 7 October 1997 Chicken Little got bonked on the head "Run! The sky is falling!" she said Now this hardly was true, Nor a "bolt from the blue" 'Twas a bolt from Cassini instead108 112 Daily Ditty #113 114 123
#113 Wednesday, 8 October 1997 Cinderella was queen of the the ball And she started a real Royal Brawl When at midnight's last stroke The magic spell broke: There she stood wearing nothing at all!109 113 Daily Ditty #114 115 124
#114 Thursday, 9 October 1997 The Gingerbread Man led the chase Even horses a poor second place 'Till a fox that he met Got him bothered and wet He got in her but thus lost the race
110 114 Daily Ditty #115 116 125
#115 Friday, 10 October 1997 Cousin Tom is a Vietnam vet Who is horny as horny can get He claims Agent Orange Makes him swing like a door hinge And the Air Force, he says, in his debt111 115 Daily Ditty #116 117 126
#116 Saturday, 11 October 1997 My girlfriend's a strawberry blond Who confers with the spirits beyond When she turns out the light And snuggles up tight Who cares if they never respond?112 116 Daily Ditty #117 118 127
#117 Sunday, 12 October 1997 My girlfriend's a stunning brunette Who claims nobody got to her yet As we pet by the fire Building mutual desire - We'll soon remedy that, you can bet!113 117 Daily Ditty #118 119 128
#118 Monday, 13 October 1997 My girlfriend has hair of bright red Disarrayed when we tumble in bed And her patch of red fuzz Really tickles me 'cause It's as soft as the hair on her head114 118 Daily Ditty #119 120 129
#119 Tuesday, 14 October 1997 My girlfriend has rich auburn hair To set off her skin, oh, so fair It all looks so right, Then we turn out the light; How she looks then, I really don't care
115 119 Daily Ditty #120 121 130#120 Wednesday, 15 October 1997 My girlfriend has hair glossy black Frames her face as she lies on her back With her legs all akimbo She's a real classy bimbo, I can't wait to get her in the sack116 120 Daily Ditty #121 122 131
#121 Thursday, 16 October 1997 My girlfriend has hair almost white Translucent when seen in good light Without trace of a curl: She's a delicate girl, A delicious though fragile delight117 121 Daily Ditty #122 123 132
#122 Friday, 17 October 1997 My girlfriend has hair of spun gold She's brassy, she's brash and she's bold She knows what to do (And insists on it too) So with her I do just as I'm told118 122 Daily Ditty #123 124 133
#123 Saturday, 17 October 1997 My girlfriend has hair mousey brown And her looks will not win her reknown Though her assets lie hidden They're not quite forbidden And the joys there wipe out any frown119 123 Daily Ditty #124 125 134
#124 Sunday, 19 October 1997 My girlfriend is bald as an egg (No, I wouldn't be pulling your leg -- With her cancerous condition For now in remission, We'll ENJOY, to the very last dreg.)
120 124 Daily Ditty #125 126 135
#125 Monday, 20 October 1997
My REAL girlfriend's hair's turning gray
And I guess I helped make it that way
I think it's divine,
It goes well with mine,
And she's there when I need her each day
*****
I apologize now to you folks
Who come here expecting good jokes
I know some don't care
For a week of bad hair,
Soon it's back to my usual strokes
But there's one going 'round in my head -
Hairy limerick I can't leave for dead -
Just one more I've got
A hair parting shot
And I'll post it before I'm in bed
121 125 Daily Ditty #126 127 136#126 Tuesday, 21 October 1997 HAIR: A "Parting" shot My girlfriend has lice in her hair, In her armpits and even "down there" They come in three kinds So one sometimes finds You can have the damned things everywhere122 126 Daily Ditty #127 128 137
#127 Wednesday, 22 October 1997 Said the prisoner, "I must look my best, Polished boots and a suit neatly pressed At my 'party' today I will hardly feel gay, And I dress up when I get depressed." Said the chaplain, "I think your request Can be met, and at your behest Perhaps Sam the Mortician Can improve your condition With some duds from a client at rest." Said the sheriff, "Since you are my guest I'll be proud if you're wearing a vest With your necktie just right You could go down tonight As 'Horse Thief: Best dressed in the West.'"123 127 Daily Ditty #128 129 138
#128 Thursday, 23 October 1997 A silver-tongued poet quite oft Lured a score of young girls to his loft First to visit the bard No doubt found it hard But the rest, it is said, had it soft124 128 Daily Ditty #129 130 139
#129 Friday, 24 October 1997 She said, as she buttoned her dress, "Playing doctor was fun, but I guess I prefer playing house With you as my spouse, And it's your turn to clean up this mess."
125 129 Daily Ditty #130 131 140
#130 Saturday, 25 October 1997
if("aunts" rhymeswith("pants"))
{
He said, as he buttoned his pants
"Soon your sisters will all become aunts;
Though I'd sooner the others
Would also be mothers;
Could you make introductions, perchance?"
}
else
{
On a visit back to his old haunts
He noted that some of his aunts
Were single and lonely
So he figured the only
Right thing was to see to their wants
}
#131 Sunday, 26 October 1997 Will the market on Monday be blue? Dire predictions of crashes come true? I will bet you somehow The expletive "Wow!" Will be used 'fore the session is through127 131 Daily Ditty #132 133 142
#132 Monday, 27 October 1997 Well, the market indeed took a thump Which the spin-doctors call "just a bump" So go out tomorrow With all you can borrow And pick up some bargains -- you chump! Bad things seem to hit us in three's We've this crash and the midwestern freeze So what comes tomorrow To add to our sorrow? An earthquake's my bet, if you please ...128 132 Daily Ditty #133 134 143
#133 Tuesday, 28 October 1997 In English there's three kinds of "t*" Which y* CAN'T spell, I'll bet you a br*, In lines like the first. Y*'ll just work up a thirst Y* t* 'll find this tr* 'fore you're thr*129 133 Daily Ditty #134 135 144
#134 Wednesday, 29 October 1997 I went to the nudist resort In hopes of some really good sport My advances were spurned, You can guess where I burned, And I stink on the volleyball court My eyeballs got sunburned as well As I ogled the babes in that dell The young ones, well tanned Most surely looked grand; All the others, I say, looked like hell
130 134 Daily Ditty #135 136 145
#135 Thursday, 30 October 1997 "Damn! Why are you naked?" he cursed "For my birthday - it's my sixty-first - I thought I'd look cute In a real birthday suit." "Well, next time, please iron it first!"131 135 Daily Ditty #136 137 146
#136 Friday, 31 October 1997 TRICK OR TREAT A bunny just left, a real cutey Now another thing comes seeking booty Red fire in its eyes ... Dripping fangs of great size ... Quick, Igor! A stake! Do your duty!132 136 Daily Ditty #137 138 147
#137 Saturday, 1 November 1997 METRIC CONVERSION There was a young man from St. Peters Whose dong measured fully two meters Just one thing was wrong, This magnificent prong Played only a few local theaters There was a young man from Hong Kong Whose pecker was seven feet long By careful recursion He'd engage in perversion With a gay, two girls, and a gong There was a young man from Gomorrah Whose cock was two cubits or morrah Though not welcome in Sodom What really got him Was rejection by every last whorah133 137 Daily Ditty #138 139 148
#138 Sunday, 2 November 1997 I abhor the onslaught of snow When the cold makes a man ... well, you know, Shrivel up like a raisin. I find it amazin' There exist any young Eskimo134 138 Daily Ditty #139 140 149
#139 Monday, 3 November 1997 Winter does, I must say, have its charms -- A warm fire, warmer girl in your arms -- "I skied," (show the miss) "Down the slope just like THIS ... " Without setting off any alarms
135 139 Daily Ditty #140 141 150#140 Tuesday, 4 November 1997 ELECTION DAY You know NOTHING of issues of note? Then I urge you to get out and vote! With no literacy test You're as good as the rest, Just follow the crowd and emote!136 140 Daily Ditty #141 142 151
#141 Wednesday, 5 November 1997 Candy's dandy, they say, but I snicker At those who say liquor is quicker; A quick lick of my Candy Does the trick when I'm randy Much quicker than candy or liquor137 141 Daily Ditty #142 143 152
#142 Thursday, 6 November 1997 I thought that my dreams had come true 'Till the masquerade party was through Then the one so appealing I'd been covertly feeling Turned out to be no one but YOU! (Sorry, I'm grouchy tonight; Can't seem to get anything right Which ends up resulting In verse that's insulting 'Stead of witty and airy and light)138 142 Daily Ditty #143 144 153
#143 Friday, 7 November 1997 I've no sperm I can donate, I fear What little I have I hold dear I hold out each day For the United Way; And I gave at the office last year139 143 Daily Ditty #144 145 154
#144 Saturday, 8 November 1997 If you're seeking your X-rated dose Rest assured that this ditty is GROSS With FILTH, SEX and GORE 'Till there's no room for more I won't write one again that comes close!
140 144 Daily Ditty #145 146 155
#145 Sunday, 9 November 1997 In my dreams I'd have many young girls Different sizes and shapes but all pearls Gentle hands that would glide All over my hide Massaging in sensous swirls The minimum count, 21, Is the least that I'd settle for fun I'd have one to linger On each toe and finger ... Each doing what's best to be done Says my wife (and I know that she's right) "Such a session would kill your out-right!" It would kill me, I know; What a swell way to go! I wouldn't mind dying tonight ...141 145 Daily Ditty #146 147 156
#146 Monday, 10 November 1997 A salute to the ladies who post To the news group that I love the most They bring a fresh slant That us gentlemen can't; To these ladies the following toast: To the girls who post here, three loud cheers! They are better by far than their peers And to those who would snicker "But can they hold their liquor?" I answer, "You bet -- By the ears!"142 146 Daily Ditty #147 148 157
#147 Tuesday, 11 November 1997 Two cannibal thieves wearing hoods Fell out over ill-gotten goods Though each swore, "I'm your friend!" It all came to an end When a thief passed his friend in the woods143 147 Daily Ditty #148 149 158
#148 Wednesday, 12 November 1997 Though the Maestro's contention was that New Wave music was right where it's at There was strong opposition To his composition, "Concerto for Fart in B-flat"144 148 Daily Ditty #149 150 159
#149 Thursday, 13 November 1997 He frustrates her 'till she could cry Because he continues to ply Her with exotic dishes When all that she wishes: A simple box lunch at the Y
145 149 Daily Ditty #150 151 160#150 Friday, 14 November 1997 A dyslexic insomniac agnostic Lay awake thinking thoughts diagnostic With his mind in a fog Asking, "Is there a dog?" And other things nearly as caustic146 150 Daily Ditty #151 152 161
#151 Saturday, 15 November 1997 "Dear Abbey, just what should I do? My Edith tells me that we're through Last night on the make I stopped to eat cake ... How can I have cake, Edith too?" "Dear reader, whatever you do Forego cake while attempting to screw And let me repeat That if you MUST eat Let your eating give pleasure to two!"147 151 Daily Ditty #152 153 162
#152 Sunday, 16 November 1997 PHILADELPHIA: Man caught with a horse; His wife quickly files for divorce He does not dispute The grounds for her suit: "Infidelity in filly," of course!148 152 Daily Ditty #153 154 163
#153 Monday, 17 November 1997 A couple were seeking delight In a graveyard by eerie moonlight "Gruesome!" he said "Boy, it sure did!" she said, "I sure hope you can bury it right ... "149 153 Daily Ditty #154 155 164
#154 Tuesday, 18 November 1997 As she walked through the graveyard she paled On confronting a presence that wailed "I AM THE GRIM RAPER!" But this weird bit of vapor Proved so limp that he utterly failed
150 154 Daily Ditty #155 156 165
#155 Wednesday, 19 November 1997 Some quotes from my friend, the Grim Reaper: "Dead whores never squeal, and they're cheaper" "A dead dick, though it's soft, can really come off," And "Dead people do it much deeper."151 155 Daily Ditty #156 157 166
#156 Thursday, 20 November 1997 Two worms, their love burned like a furnace In the trash of a children's internist 'Till one said, "Enough Of this sticky kid stuff, Let's go and make love in dead Earnest!"152 156 Daily Ditty #157 158 167
#157 Friday, 20 November 1997 A dweller in classical Greece Was caught loving the corpse of his niece He said, "Others have boys As their classical toys, Why complain just how *I* get a piece?"153 157 Daily Ditty #158 159 168
#158 Saturday, 22 November 1997 I traveled today through the State Which spawned Clinton and also her mate Was this grisley suggestion What caused indigestion, Or the Arkansas food that I ate?154 158 Daily Ditty #159 160 169
#159 Sunday, 23 November 1997 Arkansas is a state, among others, Where your aunts are your half-sisters' mothers Cousins give it a whirl And a virgin's a girl Who runs faster than all of her brothers
155 159 Daily Ditty #160 161 170#160 Sunday, 24 November 1997 The McCaughey's in Des Moines are not quitters When they must they have babies in litters I wish them good cheer But I do greatly fear This could lead to a shortage of sitters156 160 Daily Ditty #161 162 171
#161 Tuesday, 25 November 1997 Well, the kids really get in my hair But I cannot afford an Au Pair To rattle their brains 'Till they stop being pains And protect me from getting the chair157 161 Daily Ditty #162 163 172
There's a vulture that sits on my screen And smirks at that evil machine While that buzzard was lurking The hard drive quit working And I've commented loud and obscene158 162 Daily Ditty #163 164 173
#163 Thursday, 27 November 1997 A blacksnake crept up drunk Jake's thigh, Who exclaimed, when it popped out his fly, "Big and black, that ah knowed, But my! has yo growed, And whe'fo yo big beady eye?"159 163 Daily Ditty #164 165 174
#164 Friday, 28 November 1997 She was pretty and young and alive She came by on a membership drive I invited her in And led her to sin -- I had my own member to drive!
160 164 Daily Ditty #165 166 175
#165 Saturday, 29 November 1997 It truly is breaking my heart 'Cause from Texas I'm forced to depart, But I will not grieve 'Cause us Texans believe Such a move makes both places more smart161 165 Daily Ditty #166 167 176
#166 Sunday, 30 November 1997 No fervent respect have I known For a dog who'd do tricks for a bone But a few clever bitches Who've been in my britches Have shown me some tricks of their own162 166 Daily Ditty #167 168 177
#167 Monday, 1 December 1997 Her convictions are strong, through I rib her She will harp on fem rights till I gibber: "If you're so right Then get out and fight!" But she won't: A real chicken libber163 167 Daily Ditty #168 169 178
#168 Tuesday, 2 December 1997 "Where's his pee-pee?" she wondered, dismayed Dressing Barney to take to first grade I explained, "He looks neater Without any peter" She replied, "Well, then, how's he get laid?"164 168 Daily Ditty #169 170 179
#169 Wednesday, 3 December 1997 Merry Christmas, Ho-Ho, and Good Cheer I'm afraid that it's that time of year When a good Jewish boy Makes a fool of us Goy And we buy 'till it comes up to here
165 169 Daily Ditty #170 171 180#170 Thursday, 4 December 1997 The North Pole is a little bit shy Of girl elves, and I quess that is why Those reindeer like Vixen Get a bit extra fixin' -- No wonder those suckers can fly!166 170 Daily Ditty #171 172 181
My dick I call "Enterprize" for Its long running quest to explore What is unknown to some And boldly to come Where no man has come heretofore167 171 Daily Ditty #172 173 182
#172 Saturday, 6 December 1997 'Midst the throng that is here 'twixt daybreaks There are those here for cerebral sakes So four them (both of you!) How can this be true: This limerick contains three misteaks?168 172 Daily Ditty #173 174 183
#173 Sunday, 7 December 1997 Let's remember Pearl Harbor again And vow that we'll always make plain That we'll take no crap From Arab or Jap As we recently proved with Hussein ...169 173 Daily Ditty #174 175 184
#174 Monday, 8 December 1997 The best saleswhiz in history, it's plain Was one Mary: With lots to explain, Got the whole world believing Her way of conceiving Was "Immaculate," "Free from all stain"
170 174 Daily Ditty #175 176 185
#175 Tuesday, 9 December 1997 The conception of Jesus was virgin But a thought in my head keeps emergin': Did virginity stay Or like preachers today Did He give in to more worldly urgin'?171 175 Daily Ditty #176 177 186
#176 Wednesday, 10 December 1997 He, most famous in all history, Would be doomed now by social decree: He'd be locked up today For didn't He say, "Suffer little ones come unto me?"172 176 Daily Ditty #177 178 187
#177 Thursday, 11 December 1997 There once was a girl, kinda shy, And I was her first (don't known why) She was grateful as hell, But afraid she would swell Not long after I bade her good-bye [ Few people complain of my style No matter how vulgar or vile But it's not my desire To raise anyone's ire So I'll lay off of Jesus a while ]173 177 Daily Ditty #178 179 188
#178 Friday, 12 December 1997 On the couch right away Santa spied A voluptuous girl, legs spread wide "Won't you stay?" purred this beauty He said, "Hell with my duty! Now I can't fit back up if I tried!"174 178 Daily Ditty #179 180 189
#179 Saturday, 13 December 1997 OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY #1 I was Santa at Corporate behest And held kids in my lap while so dressed There my bosses wee daughter Lost control of her water Which left me a wee bit distressed!
175 179 Daily Ditty #180 181 190#180 Sunday, 14 December 1997 OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY #2 Things started out really quite slow But the rum in the punch caused a glow Administrative Assistants Lost all their resistance; Thank goodness for fresh mistletoe!176 180 Daily Ditty #181 182 191
#181 Monday, 15 December 1997 OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY #3 Miss Davies was there, dressed in wool And we really got going, no bull! In a closet we might Just have slipped out of sight But the damn thing was already full!177 181 Daily Ditty #182 183 192
#182 Tuesday, 16 December 1997 OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY #4 Any chance for promotion is sunk My boss and his wife both got drunk I deflected passes From both pompous asses, While both declared *I* was a "hunk"178 182 Daily Ditty #183 184 193
#183 Wednesday, 17 December 1997 OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY #5 Tom Smith found some way of detaining Anne White up in Customer Training Bumped the intercom switch While seducing her, which The rest of us found entertaining179 183 Daily Ditty #184 185 194
#184 Thursday, 18 December 1997 OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY #6 Though a master of banquet oration To our CEO's humiliation What drew every eye Was his wide-open fly And what got him a standing ovation ...
180 184 Daily Ditty #185 186 195
#185 Friday, 20 December 1997 OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY #7 'Twas destined, this bash, to bequeath Joys uncommonly linked with a wreath Now Anna and Nellie Have more in their belly Than ever went in past their teeth181 185 Daily Ditty #186 187 196
#186 Saturday, 20 December 1997 OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY #8 Miss Grey was a stuffy old maid Who drank too much punch, I'm afraid She jumped on the table Yelled, "Where's the man able To show me it's fun to get laid?"182 186 Daily Ditty #187 188 197
#187 Sunday, 21 December 1997 OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY #9 By himself sat computer nerd Hector Until Mary, the Software Director, Did a hardware inspection That caused an erection And he came in his pocket protector183 187 Daily Ditty #188 189 198
#188 Monday, 23 December 1997 OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY #10 The Department of Q.C. Assurance Was the one with the greatest endurance Their average score Was seven or more Plus perversions as extra insurance184 188 Daily Ditty #189 190 199
#189 Tuesday, 23 December 1997 OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY #11 I assure you that I am no wimp But my dick in my plans put a crimp To lay Dawn at dawn; She stifled a yawn As she whispered that I was too limp
185 189 Daily Ditty #190 191 200#190 Wednesday, 24 December 1997 OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY #12 We partied 'till tired to the bone All too quickly the hours they had flown The thing finally broke up But half of us woke up In beds not our own, nor alone186 190 Daily Ditty #191 192 201
#191 Christmas Day 1997 Though the Gospels do tell us a lot About Christ there is much they forgot: Did some lovely miss Ever give Him a kiss, Or was Judas the best that he got? What did Jesus do while he was growing? (I'll skip THAT part without even slowing!) Did He get some ass From some willing young lass Or go to the Cross never knowing? Well, this subject has some people pissed Just one thought before it's dismissed: Besides walking on water Had He son or a daughter? (His mid-life is shrouded in mist) As a hybrid, was Jesus Christ sterile? As a man, was he robust and virile? Did his Dad's DNA Ever come into play For a third generation referral? And if so, maybe you (even me!) Might belong on God's own family tree Perhaps you Devout Can figure this out, I admit it's a bit much for me It's a fact that our mother's grandmothers At some point relate to all others Despite all our quibblings We're really all siblings Merry Christmas, dear Sisters and Brothers!187 191 Daily Ditty #192 193 202
#192 Friday, 26 December 1997 Though his front was half switched with behind Freak Ron's life proved a triumph of mind That his tool was aft mounted Was a trial he surmounted Pleasing girls who were deaf, dumb, and blind188 192 Daily Ditty #193 194 203
#193 Saturday, 27 December 1997 Jan's appendix came out in a session That left a real lasting impression Now she tells us with pride She makes more on the side Than her regular day-time profession189 193 Daily Ditty #194 195 204
#194 Sunday, 28 December 1997 Jenny Lou from next door came for dinner And attempted to make me a sinner Rubbed her belly on mine In a way so divine That I came - though I never got in her As a farm lad my life's a disaster Screwing sheep is a skill I can't master I still don't know how To make love to a cow And my sister can run a lot faster
190 194 Daily Ditty #195 196 205
#195 Monday, 29 December 1997 Hermaphrodite Johnathan-Sue Kept real cool through the worst you could do When told, "Go fuck yourself!" He/She'd grin like an elf And say, "Thanks, I don't mind if I do!"191 195 Daily Ditty #196 197 206
#196 Tuesday, 30 December 1997 Sally Mae nearly got me in Dutch From her habit of smoking too much 'Till I lessened my stroke To cut down on the smoke While still keeping her warm to the touch One evening she fulfilled her dream Of laying the whole hockey team Which really was nice 'Till they fell through the ice Which was weakened, I guess, by the steam192 196 Daily Ditty #197 198 207
#197 Wednesday, 31 December 1997 RANDOM COMMENTARY 1997 CLINTON CHOSEN MOST ADMIRED BY AMERICAN PEOPLE Boy, this country has sunk in the mire When the man that we choose to admire Is too meek to inhale And stays out of jail 'Cause of people too scared to inquire CAMPAIGN FINANCE There have always been chiefs who subscribe To put wampum ahead of the tribe (Let's not cause a disruption and mention corruption Or suggest that this smacks of a bribe) THE AMERICAN DIET The food industry's been very clever Our bad eating habits to sever It's low fat or fat free And all low calorie ... So how come we're fatter than ever? FAMILY Once child-care was left up to Mothers We revered them above all the others Now a gal with career Is the one we revere Thinking house-wife a life style that smothers For this change thank your fem'nist protesters And the interests of greedy investors Which put kids in the care Of some friendly au pair Or a day-care that's staffed by molesters PARTIAL BIRTH ABORTION It's a gruesome procedure, 'tis plain Mere description should cause you great pain The kid is not dead, All is born but his head, Which they shrink by removing his brain AIDS HIV is a nasty infection Most readily spread by injection Its spread could be foiled If injectors were boiled But the queers seem to have some objection CUBA, VIET NAM The Viet Cong beat us, by Christ! At a terrible, terrible price ... So we work to keep poor Little Cuba, next door While Saigon is the one we treat nice IRAQ Though THAT war we don't count a loss Over this point we shouldn't now gloss: We've caused millions great pain Just to "punish" Hussein It's so good that we've shown him who's boss... THE CONQUEST OF SPACE One generation ago We basked in the glorious glow Of our quest for the moon; Well, it ended too soon Now I doubt my grandchildren will go DISEASE Despite all our expert's persistence Diseases can muster resistance So ebola and flu And other things too Can threaten our very existence MICROSOFT Janet Reno completed some math; Billy Gates is now feeling her wrath This bucks, some do say, The American way ... "Stomp anyone blocking your path!" THE MILLENNIUM BUG Software written by me and my peers Wasn't written to last years and years Now they pay us big bucks Fixing software that sucks While soothing big management's fears JACK KEVORKIAN This year our boy Jack can lay claim To a certain, well ... undying(?) fame This guy, I say here Should be Man of the Year (Though most people misspell his name) ECONOMICS They claim that we've balanced the budget That's important, we should not misjudge it; Although some detractors Can point out some factors Were doctored in order to fudge it Right now we're well off, it is true That's what matters to me and to you I hope '98 Will be just as great Despite what the bureaucrats do193 197 Daily Ditty #198 199 208
#198 Thursday, 1 January 1998 '98, and I firmly resolve To write limericks that do not involve Any words that allude To things vulgar or crude ... (Ah, shit, that's a rhyme I can't solve) '98, and I swear I will pass Any writing that's lowly and crass I'll take every pain To attain a high plane ... (Well, stick that idea up your ass!) Well, maybe and just for a start I'll avoid any reference to "fart" Just write something silly While I munch on this chili ... (Damn stuff blows my asshole apart)194 198 Daily Ditty #199 200 209
#199 Friday, 2 January 1998 Why consider two sexes essential? There is multi-sexual potential For tri-sexuals and gays To do it six ways; After pentas it goes exponential