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Oh posh, now I'm put in a piddle, In a gay school the proctor was keen, Mort the sailor does exhort his Fussy gourmet, Sir Fauntleroy Fry, Half bald and all grouch is old Popp; In gay navies, from admiral to boot, In trouble this hunter named Tom; While diving, a sailor named Bright Wally, a maven from Malta, A wood-fetish busboy named Gable, Mr Cott says that he has the proof Old Chris P. Wool loved to eat beets, In his grass hut, the chief lived alone. I spoke to the door as I charmed An unlucky gardener named Hines, There was a woodchopper named Max, Said a shoemaker up in St. Paul, Kentuckian Jonathan Vernal A sensitive woman from Licking Young Vince, a strange boy in Japan, A driving date was my path to bliss; In a palace of glass stood Queen Joan's When the temp reached a hundred and two, The wife of a miner named Paul A charming old lady named Gretel, Spooky the Scarecrow won't yield; An inventor of robots, name of Cox Young Prue caught her glove on her ring; Old Bill's girls once got stuck deep To his analyst went Mr. Lentz Though tied to a railroad track firm, According to my cousin Vinny, A most strange event once occurred, It was just last week that I learned There are thousands of cops in this nation, Al, you've been punning again, haven't you? A gentlemen's tailor and hatter A girl (whose name will be seen) "I'm only slightly deformed; I take pity on Eileen; My dick and my balls weigh a ton I changed it 'cause it drew attention A Scotsman sent a telegram "Anacin the hospital fine. A retired man of military might, The wife stomped and yelled all day A island King with a throne collection, Thrones of all shapes and sizes, The last tour that he allowed in This last may bring on some groans, Call the study of figures statistics, Animal instincts, it's said, Sometimes lately I've thought it absurd: If a riddle you're seeking here, ducks, A cashless and sveltely Canuck, A rich guy in Kalamazoo There's a feature that brings us awareness, Said Nathan, "I've shone self-reliance If Brit slang you do not understand, Attended beauty school on a dare; My dishwasher went on the blink; They were floating down stream on a raft. A furniture salesgirl deplores She loved her man, though she'd mislay A young Down East pilot named Sanger, It's time to stop straddling the fence!
'Cause the more that I twiddle and diddle,
It seems now the name
That's meant in this game,
Has got to be Andi N. Thisriddle.
--- Anon
And well versed in affairs epicene.
He won many laurels,
For giving stiff orals,
And his peers liked to call him "Dear Queen."
--- Bob Giandomenico P0209
Brother Bill; Tells him where "port" is.
Bill can't handle sails;
With each try, he fails.
He sure ain't the rigger Mort is.
--- Anon
Had ignored the soup spilled on his tie,
But observed with a frown
When it kept running down,
My dear boy, there's a soup in my fly!
--- David A Brooks Q
His crabbiness just will not stop;
The human race galls him
So everyone calls him,
The surly with fringe on the top.
--- Armand Singer
Each adores loving lips on his root.
And far better a job,
If applied by a gob,
For no fit beats a sailor made toot.
--- Bob Giandomenico P0303
The witch doctors think he's abnorm.
"I'm here," Tom would cry.
"I'm here." Tom would sigh
Each time Tom would hear a tomtom.
--- Irving Superior
Struck his head on the barque late at night.
To the rope he did turn
And the bight caused a burn,
But the barque was much worse than the bight.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Entered a bridge competition in Yalta.
At the end of the rubber,
He started to blubber;
A case of bridge over -- troubled Walter.
--- FCA T9712
Is rapid, thorough, and able;
But when everything's cleared,
He gives way to the weird,
As he lovingly busses each table.
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner
That his hat is, for sure, waterproof.
On the roof for a week,
The hat didn't leak,
This hat on a Cott tin roof.
--- Al Willis P9611
With mayo and okra and meats.
He'd do this in bed
While nodding his head.
He's famous as old Crispy Sheetz.
--- H Welchel
His throne, stowed up high, down was blown.
He was hit on the head,
And it left him quite dead.
In grass houses, do not stow a throne.
--- Al Chaplin P9410
It, caressed it and stroked it and calmed
It. "My God, he's gone mad!"
You may think, but 'twas sad,
For the note said: "This Door is Alarmed."
--- Peter Wilkins
While working amidst his grapevines,
A mis-step did take,
Then tripped on his rake,
And suddenly fell on hard tines.
--- Observer
Whose output appeared somewhat lax.
As there was a reduction
In his daily production,
It was best that they gave him the ax.
--- Albin Chaplin
To his eager, vivacious young doll,
"Until Fridays are past
I must stick to my last,
But on weekdays I'll give you my awl."
--- Keith MacMillan A067A
Exulted in his life diurnal.
Saying, "Do you know what?
I don't feel like a nut,
Though sometimes I feel like a kernel."
--- Loren Fitzhugh P0101
Was awakened by sort of a clicking;
She pulled off the spread
And the sheets from her bed,
And found that the mattress was ticking.
--- Lims Unlimited
Was obsessed with autos, what a fan.
He would only play games
Which used vehicle names;
Growing up he was called Vinnie Man.
--- Tom Patton P9902
But her mean old dad was against this.
"You smooch my lil' girl,
It's the end of your world!"
Now my kinfolk mourn over my car kiss.
--- Anon
Royal seat, all adorned with fine stones.
Till a hurricane's zeal
Did a moral reveal:
In glass houses you shouldn't stow thrones!
--- Prof M-G
My wife's yearning for snow cones grew.
"Why'd you buy only one?",
My wife asked. I said "Hon,
'Cause I only have ice for you."
--- Kirk Miller
Would knit only picks on her shawl.
She would knit with fine care
And was known everywhere
As the greatest pick-knitter of all.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2736
Instead of a hat, wore a kettle.
When they called her misguided,
She said, "I've decided
To show all the neighbors my mettle."
--- Edward Leer
Scavengers flee, fear is sealed.
Looms like a rogue,
Rough as a toad;
Spooky stands out in his field!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Found his firm with an empty cash box.
His electric lawyer
Just couldn't be coyer,
But had trouble with it's sues and shocks.
--- Tom Patton P0110
It ripped and it tore at that thing.
So young David Splenny
Fixed it for a penny;
Now Prue's glove's a Splenny mended thing.
--- Archie
In a bog, in a truck; now they keep
Themselves well away
From that four-wheel drive's bay...
You guessed it, Will's daughters shun Jeep.
--- Tiddy Ogg
And said, "My dreams don't make much sense.
First I dream I'm a teepee,
Then a wigwam, it's creepy."
The Doc said, "You're simply two tents."
--- Bob Giandomenico P8811
Penelope managed to squirm
Her way free from that fate,
But her Ma, sending bait
Said, "A Penny that's saved gets the worm."
--- Travis Brasell
The vultures are hoping for any
Penelope rescue,
Since they don't eat fescue;
The early bird gets the saved Penny.
--- Travis Brasell
Of slow-worm in a thrush nest, I heard.
That lizard sans legs
Got coiled 'round some eggs,
And the curly worm hatches the bird.
--- Tiddy Ogg
This is file xul
That Penny died and she was burned.
Hope they saved the ashes;
My pal no one trashes!
'Cause Penny saved is Penny urned.
--- Marlene Lewis
And they do preserve civilization.
Now the census is done;
The clerks found every one;
The total is called copulation.
--- Al Willis
Well, similies could start a bandwagon anew.
The sillier ones
Make you groan just like puns;
And can drive you 'As Madison Avenue'.
--- PeterW
Sold clothing which made me look fatter.
I told him I'd sue
Which I've started to do,
'Cause I judge it 'As eerie as matter'.
--- PeterW
Was propped up against an evergreen.
When I asked her why
She let out a cry,
"Just like my named says, I lean."
--- Gearhart
With lopsided tits I'm adorned.
I need breast implants
To correct my stance,
But insurance won't pay, I've been warned.
--- Gearhart
A similar problem I've been,
Fighting for years
And taking the jeers
That come my way when I'm seen.
--- Gearhart
And make it hard to walk or run.
So I crawl around
On my knees on the ground;
My name I have changed; it was shunned.
--- Gearhart
To my affliction 'forementioned.
Neil Down was that name,
The source of my pain.
Now I call myself Richard Injection.
--- Gearhart
To his papa and his grandmam.
Words were expensive;
This made him pensive,
So he'd shorten his 'gram, by damn.
--- Larry Falk
Adamant bitter assinine
Places," he wrote,
Saving words; please note,
Seven in all, but most in one line.
--- Larry Falk
He gave his wife such a fright.
He'd open the blinds
Which she'd asked him to mind,
Thus exposing the bedspread to light.
--- Anon
To repair the damage he must pay.
He apologized with a sigh
Saying, "Old soldiers never dye"
We just fade duvets!"
--- Anon
Opened his hut for inspection.
He allowed in tours
Of throne conniseurs,
To show them his varied selection.
--- Gearhart
All covered with jewels and prizes;
Some short, some tall,
Some big, some small,
And some armed with locking devices.
--- Gearhart
Left before the tour could begin.
A throne, knocked down,
Rocked the hut to the ground,
And the King was buried within.
--- Gearhart
And maybe a few fervent moans,
But the moral they say,
Is still spoken today:
In grass houses you shouldn't stow thrones
--- Gearhart
And the study of language linguistics;
But it's clear that one errs,
When one loosly avers
That the study of balling's ballistics.
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Connerz
Can mean that a person's misled.
And never a worse sign
Than huts of the ursine:
"I can offer a bear in my shed."
--- Doug Harris P0512Q
The word 'cock' is so frequently heard.
But I now understand
For this reason: A hand
In the bush is worth two on the bird.
--- Anon
Why do dames that are skinny like fucks
From the guys who make funny --
Yes, counterfeit money,
But a forger will pass phony bucks.
--- Hugh Clary
Who found herself down on her luck,
Now prints her own
And solicits by phone:
Stop by for a great phony buck.
--- Martin Wellborn P0301
Paid five hundred bucks for a screw.
His morals were stellar;
He bought a propeller,
Not the base act imagined by you.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0608
Why an Englishman, senile, has rareness,
That's compared to an eight-
Year-old girl, I'll relate:
The gent, on the hunt, he is careless.
--- Hugh Clary
And stuck with strict rule book compliance,
'Till dyslexic Gwen,
Who thinks I'm a hen,
Complained I was 'clucking defiance.'"
--- Anon
A Rosetta Stone link's now at hand;
The "commando" word's there; [??]
(Quoted source: C. Moor Hare);
Now I've gotten the "lay of the land".
--- Anon
Concentrated on girls while he's there.
A great romantic was he;
Act of love his specialty.
His favorite subject, beauty care.
--- Tom Patton P0110
I plugged up the leak in a wink.
Oh, how did I fix it?
My 'plugger', I stix it
In her hole right where I saw the pink.
--- Anon
She said, "What we need now is a shaft.
With my dress and a nail
We could fashion a sail."
So he gave her the shaft, fore and aft.
--- Arnie Schoenbrun P0402
That customers rank her with whores.
When I saw her today,
All I found I could say,
Was "I'd like to get into your drawers!"
--- John Dohner P8807
Her affection. "Slow down!" she'd say.
Advice an unwelcome gift,
She left. Then he got her drift;
A hasty stroke oft goes astray!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Was decked by a girl in the hangar.
She asked where in Maine
He was flying his plane,
And he said he was going to Bangor.
--- David Miller
Let our kinky sex-games commence!
And if I should pamper
You good, happy camper,
Would your gratitude be in tents?
--- Anon
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