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A soi-disant Mynheer Professor, An eavesdropping don at Emmanuel (Emmanuel College of Cambridge)
A scholar of Oxford, while tipsy, An ounce of prevention I'm told The students wait in trepadation There is a natural law of entropy: (regarding meeting dynamics)
At Mills, a professor named Leon, There once was a student named Dresser, It seems that Miss Beale and Miss Buss (Miss Beale - Headmistress Cheltenham College 1858)
A note from Miss Buss to Miss Beale, (Miss Buss - Headmistress North London School 1850)
"Dear Frances," began the reply "Oh sweet Dorothea, don't fret; "Dear Francis, I love you so well, "Oh dear, that's a prospect most dire. "Nor I, Frances Mary, my sweet; "Oh sweet Dorothea, I fear "Oh Frances, dear Frances, sweet Frances; And thus did Miss Beale and Miss Buss Said the prof to his luscious young date, There was a young coed named Fretter There once was a teacher named Brown, A professor who used to be pure At a place where learning is foremost, While the Prof wrote a Latin declension, A marine professor was he, There was an professor named Flear (bollards - short posts set to exclude automobiles)
The whole academic fraternity No need any more for Sabbatical, So sing we a hymn to virility. This College produced Marie Stopes, What's all this about Eduation? So God bless our great A.U.T., (Assoc of Univ Teachers) The members of our great University (The native, the foreign; the wet-backs, the re-born)
Professors earn less, at the core, If pretensions of great erudition She explained to the Dean of her parish, Dr Collins was giving a talk Well, Grady's retiring, I heard; Prof Grady is leaving, I hear; Pandora, a psychic and mystic, Says Grady, professor of languich, When Grady was asked: "Will I pass?" A Harvard professor of note On the lookout for coeds to ruin, There once was a lecturer Bird, Observed a professor named Joel, I recently had a flirtation It's because you were flirting, not serious, On April the first, a professor "The faculty all love to hate We chitter and chatter and glower An instructor once told off his classes: There was a young fellow named Chris "You must publish or die," said the dean, Said the randy old college professor, The professor then shouted with glee, Of professionals, greater and lesser, A professor, away on sabbatical, Our prexy, bloved Dr. Roche, A Northampton professor named Tipple The Dean of my old university We envied the chair that she sat in, Teacher was talking 'bout final exam: And as always, in every class, The teacher replied, with a perfect dead-pan, A plump English prof from Atlanta, "Despite the political cant,
Met a beat-up old whore from Odessa.
She applied all her arts
To his genital parts,
But they only grew lesser and lesser.
--- L1047
Was told, "If you're wise, dear man, you'll
Abandon that habit,
Or you'll grow like a rabbit,
Or end up with ears like a spaniel."
--- Harold C Bibby
Began to make love to a gypsy.
He undressed her, caressed her,
To the beach he had pressed her,
Then he lost faith in his ipse. (attributed knowledge)
--- Richard Shepherd
Is worth many ounces of gold.
And the ultimate best
Is to stay in your nest
And never go out in the cold.
--- Harold E Hoelscher P8907
For the prof to write the next equation.
The symbols he's using
Are highly confusing;
A mix of Greek, Latin, and Asian.
--- Raisa Deber
Disorder's increasing -- it must be.
But its grownth potential
Is beyond exponential
When dealing with egos and apathy.
--- Terrance Boult
Taught heresies most Manichean.
Quoth the girls, "Though it's pleasant,
Lets disdain this crude peasant;
Or, as the Mexicans say, "Peon Leon!"
--- Anon
Whose knowledge got lesser and lesser.
It at last grew so small,
He knew nothing at all;
And now he's a college professor.
--- Anon A
Caused a mid-nineteenth century fuss;
But I'm sure Cupid's darts
Hit their hearts (and their parts)
Though they were somewhat different from us.
--- Peter Wilkins
I shall now from the archives reveal:
"Oh my sweet Dorothea,
I wish you were hear;
Have you any idea how I feel?"
--- Peter Wilkins
From Miss Beale to Miss Buss by-and-by.
"How I yearn for your lips
And the curve of your hips
As I dream of us nightly and sigh."
--- Peter Wilkins
We shall meet down in Cheltenham yet.
Or alternatively,
Come to London for me;
I shall meet you at Paddington, pet."
--- Peter Wilkins
But that Great Western Railway is hell;
And I'm sorely afraid
That I might get waylaid
By that Isamabad Kingdom Brunel."
--- Peter Wilkins
Dorothea? A nurse you must hire
From that Cheltenham race
Course and and gallop apace;
I can hardly contain y desire."
--- Peter Wilkins
But the movement of livestock and meat
Has been stopped for today;
Foot and Mouth so they say
Which has spread up to Gloucester from Fleet."
--- Peter Wilkins
We shall not see each other all year.
In the meantime I yearn
For you kisses and burn
With desire for your loving, my dear."
--- Peter Wilkins
We dare not take too many chances.
One day we shall meet
And the thought of it, sweet,
Makes my heart skip a beat as it dances."
--- Peter Wilkins
Cause a mid-nineteenth century fuss;
For as heads of their schools,
They had broken the rules,
Though they wern't that much different from us.
--- Peter Wilkins
"Let's meet in the tetra at eight."
She said, "How odd!
You mean in the quad?"
He sniffed "Must I always translate?"
--- Tutta Gioia
Who wrote the professor a letter.
"Though your hot dog is fine,
Yet for hunger like mine
The young butcher's baloney is better."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0453
Whose students would like him to drown.
For in all of his classes,
He never wore glasses,
And addressed them all with a frown.
--- C Isaac
Was arrested for reading the "Lure".
Now his lectures he dreads
And he chases coeds.
What is worse, there's no hope for a cure.
--- David Finely
You'd think they'd know better than to coast.
But when I look at this place,
We seem out of the race --
There's so little about which we can boast.
--- Terrance Boult
The pupils did things one can't mention,
Like balling, and blowing
Each other and showing
A singular lack of attention.
--- G2312
Who sanctioned the death of a tree.
When asked, "Why this mess?"
Said he could not care less,
Since it had nothing to do with the sea.
--- Anon
Who remarked, with a hint of a tear,
"I like old men and boys
But prefer for my toys
The bollards on St. Andrews pier."
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Can relax in the joys of paternity,
Since he, she, or it
In sin or legit,
Can now go on leave till eternity.
--- Arthur Tattersall (Bibby)
We have a solution more practical;
Have a kid every year
And there's nothing to fear --
Your leave comes around mathematical.
--- Arthur Tattersall (Bibby)
Let's breed to our greatest ability.
It's not for the College
To propagate knowledge,
But only to worship fertility.
--- Arthur Tattersall (Bibby)
Ah, what has become of her hopes?
Away with that book,
Start learning to cook --
It's surprising how soon a man copes.
--- Arthur Tattersall (Bibby)
What matters is more population.
You can't beat a nappy
To keep a dad happy --
Add zest to your dull copulation!
--- Arthur Tattersall (Bibby)
Which sets us from lecturing free;
As we hop into bed,
Let it ever be said,
"It's the Organization for me!"
--- Arthur Tattersall (Bibby)
Display the most striking diversity:
Some wise and some foolish, (The yellow, the red,)
Some saintly, some ghoulish, (The black and inbred,)
And some of the utmost perversity.
--- Harold C Bibby P9601
This is file wtm
Than Porn Stars and here's the wherefore:
The crux of the matter,
Is just that the latter
Must publish an awful lot more.
--- Graham Lester
Make one talk like a metaphysician,
He better be sure
To look for a cure
'Cause he's bound to meet wise competition.
--- Raymond Winkler P8311
"Our affair is a thing I will cherish --
And my diary, too.
So it's all up to you.
Don't you see? If I publish, you perish!"
--- John E Mayhood P0108
Out of which all the students did walk.
As they went out the door,
He yelled, "Come back! There's more!
It's just that I've run out of chalk!"
--- Anon
Tried sneaking away with no word.
But his friend, the professer,
(notorious cross-dresser,)
Gave the secret away... what a turd!
--- Anon
He'll be gone by the end of the year.
His students said, "Great!
He won't know when we're late!"
Then they sent him the biggest Bronx Cheer!
--- Anon
Told fortunes most unrealistic.
But Grady, a nerd,
Must've liked what he heard,
'Cause he's retiring, and so optimistic.
--- Cyber Geezer
"You know, I just don't give a dang which
Baloney you use,
Or which mustard you choose,
But don't mess with my Liverwurst sangwich!"
--- Liam na Beag
Though he hadn't been coming to class,
Told the student, "You jerk!
What's become of your work?
I'm considering flunking your a$$!"
--- Anon
Thought he'd sail to Spain in a boat.
He kept going 'round,
Until at length he found
He was sailing on some castle moat.
--- Warrick Elrod
A Philosophy prof called McEwen
Worked at UCLA,
Where they escrowed his pay:
Got a suin' for screwin' a Bruin.
--- Krissa Guiness P8311
And square was his favorite word.
His lectures were boring;
The students were snoring,
And so he could never be heard.
--- Oxford Limericks
"Synetoches can be quite droll;
E.g., I suggest
Somewhat unimpressed,
In women, the parts are the hole."
--- Armand E Singer 165
With the scholarly word "dissertation",
But I messed up, I guess.
The professor professed
I should take a long (permanent) vacation.
--- John Miller 0314 P0106
That the professor became so imperious.
So go back to the class
And kiss the prof's ass.
Your final grade might not be deleterious.
--- S C Saint
Whose lessons grew lesser and lesser,
With each dummy found,
Had been fooled by the sound
During roll of a tape going "Yessir!"
--- Anon
The dean," said a prexy named Bate.
"He has no supporter,
And they'd lynch him each quarter
If they just could agree on a date."
--- A N Wilkins P8311
Enclosing our minds in a bower
Of pride in ourselves
Like self-conscious elves
In our magical ivory tower.
--- Harold E Hoelscher P8907
"You're nothing but ignorant asses.
I've no more to say."
Then one cried, "Away!
We at least can go graze where some grass is!"
--- Laurence Perrine P8311
Whose lectures one could not miss.
If his brilliant wit
Made the slightest slip,
The students would go take a piss.
--- K M Briggs
"Don't become an untenured has-been!"
So I showed the old goat
All the stuff that I wrote
For "Hot Nudes and Wild Sex" magazine.
--- William N Nesbit P0108
To the coed who asked him to pass her,
"Just give me some tail
And you will not fail."
She replied, "Mouth, cunt, or ass, sir?"
--- Joe Long
"This surely will be ecstasy!"
First he came in her mouth,
Then her cunt, then on south
To her asshole for squirt number three!
--- Joe Long
I'd most like to be a professor.
He can live off foundations
And take long vacations,
While all of his students say "Yes, sir!"
--- Laurence Perrine P8311
Was famous for being Socratical.
When asked by the press
For a word, he said, "Yes,
Just say I am apothegmatical."
--- Limber Limericks
Felt financial problems encroach,
And, after review
Of the salary skew,
He resigned to become a head coach.
--- Laurence Perrine P8311
Loved to suckle a student's left nipple.
Though he did it with ardor,
He could not get it harder,
And he came without even a ripple.
--- G2551
Was a man of pervasive perversity;
His admission of students
Showed damn little prudence--
But let to delightful diversity.
--- Norm Storer
For 'twas an endowed chair in Latin --
A chair all her own
Like a queen's burnished throne --
How pleasant to lean back and chat in!
--- Laurence Perrine P8311
"Better be here, or you'll be in a jam.
Don't come down with the flu;
Excuses won't do.
Now get lost, go on home and cram."
--- Anon
There's that one kid, y'know, the smart ass.
"What if we can't take the test
'Cause we're tired from much sex?"
Laughter erupted from each lad and lass.
--- Anon
Once the laughter had died, he said to the man,
"No that excuse will not fly,
You'll just have to try
To write with your other hand!"
--- Anon
Was bloated with bawdy, bold banter.
He'd sit on his ass,
And let fly his gas,
Whenever he sniffed a decanter.
--- L1598
The president," said Dr. Brant,
"Whom professors of knowledge
At your typical college
Admire most, is still U.S. Grant.
--- A N Wilkins P8912
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