John is not quick, is not nimble,
His little dick fits in a thimble.
This being so true,
If only you knew,
You'd laugh 'til your body would trimble.
--- Jill

A girl who was dating young Beedle,
Said his pecker was not fit to tweedle.
But he gave her some credit
When she showed she could thread it
Through the eye of a large darning needle.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024 P8301

My penis, dear girl, is so small;
It's the size of an atom, that's all.
But an atom's main mission
Is fusion and fission,
And BANG! I shall leave you in thrall.
--- Peter Wilkins

A smarmy young fellow, a Yank,
Was built like a well-armoured tank.
But the girls had a shock,
At his miniscule cock,
Which he had to use tweezers to wank.
--- Anon

I know of a whiz kid named Dole
Who won a free trip to Wood's Hole.
Asked the smallest thing ever,
He replied, being clever,
"The dink on a newly born vole."
--- Armand E Singer 418

There was an old man of Connaught,
Whose prick was remarkably short.
When he got into bed,
The old woman said,
"This isn't a prick, it's a wart!"
--- L0144

There was a young fellow named Paul,
Whose prick was exceedingly small.
When in bed with a lay,
He could screw her all day,
Without touching the vaginal wall.
--- Isaac Asimov

And now we have the man named Shrimp?
Small in stature, but big as a blimp.
Every woman he dated,
To her friends she berated
Him because his prick was so limp.
--- Toolman

"Dear! It's my semiannual erection!"
A claim subject to spousal correction.
She said, "Honey, that's keen,
But I think what you mean
Is your annual semierection."
--- William N Nesbit P9605

There was a poor devil named Hess,
Whose parts were a godawful mess;
His balls were rhomboidal,
His scrotum fungoidal --
His penis would rarely turgesce.
--- Armand E Singer 272

While these three stood fingering their dicker,
They argued, beginning to bicker.
An old guy came in
When his piss did begin,
He barely got his lights to flicker.
--- Anon

At the sight of a pair of nice thighs,
Old Faithful again tried to rise.
But night after night
Of sexual delight,
And it now begs for mercy -- (sighs).
--- Limericks Naughty & Gay

A gas station attendant named Myers
Puts in gas, water, oil, blows up tires.
But when broads demand service,
Myers get so damn nervous...
His protuberance promptly expires.
--- Grand Prix Lim 147

My Charlie knows all of the angles
His best fishing rod -- well, it dangles,
Above fishing holes.
He frequently trolls,
And counts all the fish he entangles.
--- Anon

In a harem, a dwarf name of Quidgid
Was requested to show himself rigid.
But, the vassal though massive
Had a tassle so passive
That the midget's poor digit was frigid.
--- Hugh Clary

Bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang,
O hark to the hymn of the whang!
Though the tune is familiar,
It gets a bit sillier
When the whang will do nothing but hang.

--- Norm Storer P9603

When younger my stout middle digit,
Could piss the hat off of a midget.
But ages do pass,
And now it's a flacc-
-id dribbly wizened old widget.
--- Anon

At many of life's weary junctions,
I've felt very moved by those unctions
That stirred deep inside,
To drop all false pride,
As well as what drops when I functions.
--- Anon

"The trouble with me," poor old Jack said,
"Is that though my mustache has been wax-ed,
And I've gook on my hair,
And I'm devil-may-care,
The fact is, my penis is flaccid."
--- Isaac Asimov

When the techniques of love he had mastered,
My buddy got thoroughly plastered.
One would think in that state
He'd be nothing but great,
But he wasn't (the flaccid old bastard).
--- Norm Storer

By hand, an old fellow named Fred,
Tried hard to erect it in bed.
Said his wife to the fink,
"I do not really think
You should flog an old horse that is dead."
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0452

Said the beautiful, bountiful Venus
To a youth with a too-softened penis:
"You must stiffen your dingus,
Or else cunnilingus,
Or all will be over between us."
--- G0919V

One cold day with no scarf, Mr. Flitches,
Said, "My neck got so stiff that my bitch is,
I can't even bend it."
His wife said, "That's splendid,
Now try going out with no britches."
--- Bob Giandomenico P9307

There was an old fellow from Wooster
Who couldn't get it up like he uster.
His date called him a wimp,
'Cause his organ was limp,
So he lifted her nightie and goosed her.
--- Jim Menger P9204

A playboy whose name we won't mention
Had a transplant to lower his tension.
He bathed in a Jacuzzi
While served by black pussy,
And hoped his penis would snap to attention.
--- G2425

There was a young fellow named Dave
Whose demeanor was icy and grave.
He claimed such great effort
To keep his cock inert,
Was why this expression he gave.
--- G2684

A limp-membered hopeful named Fenner
Told the babe, "I will bet you a tenner
I can still get it stiff!"
She relied with a sniff,
"You're just an old iffer and whenner!"
--- Grand Prix Lim 195

As a hapless fat babe I began,
And grew, as the years swiftly ran,
To a tower of strength.
No I'm finding at length
I'm an impotent feeble old man.
--- Laurence Perrine P8509

An impotent husband named Stoner
Pulled something I'd call a real boner;
When his wife wanted kids,
He requested sealed bids,
To get the best price for a loaner.
--- Armand E Singer 498

There was a young man from Kilgore,
Who wasted his life on a whore.
To get an erection,
He took an injection,
And shot out his wad on the floor.
--- L1695

Sometimes I just look at my shlong,
And think of the lovers it's wronged.
It no longer inspires
Any selfish desires;
It just hangs there and sings its sad song.
--- Anon

A sexagenarian colonel,
Considered himself ever-vernal.
It was thought, though, his prick
Was as soft as a wick,
And lifeless, except in a urinal.
--- Anon

Great jumping Julius Caesar!
She said I should kiss her and squeeze her.
He said, "It gives me pain,
But I must refrain.
My pecker is that of a geezer."
--- Al Willis P9708

This is file trl

I think that the fool in the garden,
Whose implement failed to get hard, 'n
Who dissed the homeowner
For lack of his boner.
Might well have been 'roused by Miss Arden.
--- Anon

There was a poor devil named Sam,
Whose privates weren't worth a goddamn.
The parts that were visible
Were only quite risible;
The rest they were mostly a sham.
--- Armand E Singer 151

A voyeur from Cranbrook, B.C.,
Had the strangest perversion, oui, oui;
He got all his kicks
Out of pendulous pricks,
While watching the RCM pee.

(RCM - Royal Canadian Mounted Police?)
--- Hugh Oliver 98c

If you don't have 'nuff lead in your pencil,
You can make your tool damn near prehensile;
There are pills for E.D;
If your prob's P.U.D,
Folk-lore remedies may be more sensible.
--- Anon

Said Lady Desiree LeBlanc,
On winning a game of petanque,
"If only your tool
Were as hard as these boules,
I'd be happy to give you a bonk."
--- Anon

A man in his nineties named Baker
Had an impotent style baby-maker.
To fulfill his need
And increase its speed,
He rubbed the tip on his pacemaker.
--- Tom Patton P9902

An impotent fellow named Pete,
Was cursed with recalcitrant meat.
He said, "That's the breaks.
Other guys have tube steaks;
I have to get by with tube Treet.

(Treet - SPAM competitor)
--- Bob Roberds

All evening the girl of young Trevor
Rejected his every endeavor.
She made up with her lover,
But was sad to discover
That erections do not last forever.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0328

Our playboy this month is well-dressed,
His Jaguar just matches his vest.
He has sexy conceits
And a pantsfull of pleats,
But his penis is not of the best.
--- G2548

An old New York Met named Tom Seaver,
Was once rendered impotent by fever.
He said with dismay,
"I don't like it this way,
It kills my desire for the beaver!"
--- Jim Weaver Collection

So you've never failed to impale?
Now I know you are telling a tale.
You've made poor Pat cry;
Left her high and dry.
Made her a frustrated female.
--- Anon

A woman once said: "What the heck!" to me.
"You look like a physical wreck to me.
You're a leery old gent,
But please come to my tent,
Though it doesn't look very erect to me."
--- Bill Wall

There once was a fellow named Skakel
Whose alibi makes juries cackle:
"To give it a stroke,
I leapt up an oak --
Though today I would need block and tackle."
--- Arthur Deex P0207

Said retired Colonel Lingus, "The sap
Has left the limp tap in my lap...
As I told my friend Suzie
When she offered her schmoozie,
It looks like I'm on my last lap."
--- Grand Prix Lim 962 a

There was an old man from Thermopylae
Who could not get good hardons properly.
He wanked and he spanked;
He yanked and he cranked;
But his prick would stand up only floppily.
--- Alexander Baron

There was a young draftsman named Lee,
Whose pecker hung down to his knee.
He advised every maid
That 6H was the grade,
But they checked and they found it 3B.

(6H - grade of hardness in pencils, 3B is soft)
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0515

Another year's flashed by so fast;
My hair, sparse, has a grey caste;
I'm a mad also-ran,
A dirty old man,
And my pecker won't rise 'bove half-mast.
--- Tiddy Ogg

Just consider the fate of the sheep
That grimly the abattoir did reap.
Just the loss of the pecker
When compared to the neck, sir:
Turning grey is not bad, and it's cheap.
--- Danube

At the Vatican Hilton, Miss Chard
Had resolved to seduce a Swiss Guard;
But imagine her gloom
When they got to her room,
In that only the mattress was hard.
--- Thomas A Quinine P8406

A watchmaker's wife from Limerick
Was asked what it was that made her tick.
It was strange of her,
But she said, "I prefer
Ten inches of soft and pendulous dick."
--- Jim Weaver Collection

When a young wife, much more than endowed,
Chose a wealthy old codger, a cloud
Hung over their bed,
Because after they'd wed,
He was never more than piss-proud. (only piss hardons)
--- A N Wilkins P8801

There was a young lady from Brent,
When her old man's pecker, it bent,
She said with a sigh,
"Oh, why must it die?
Let's fill it with Portland Cement."
--- L1380

In anger, he threw the jar out,
But now he must wonder about
How the heck that they knew
His sex life was through ...
The notice, on top, read "Pour Spout"
--- Anon

Sex is the ONLY, so swive it.
Be all you can be, you'll survive it.
There is no escape;
You will be in shape,
Except for the parts that are private.
--- Jim Weaver Collection

About sex you should not give up hope.
Try finding things that will help you cope.
But when you are ninety
And wearing a didee
It's like playing pool games with a rope.
--- Tom Patton

With his trophy, he's found he can't cope.
Now Viagra's his very last hope.
"Lord knows I have tried,
But I'm too old," he cried.
"It's like shooting pool with a rope!"
--- David Martin

There was a young fellow named Ned,
Who'd invent comic verses in bed.
In the end the poor simp,
Let his penis grow limp,
And the woman beneath bashed his head.
--- Isaac Asimov

A hopeful old man of Knob Noster (MO)
Saw a likely farm lass and he tossed her;
But to his dismay,
He could rise just halfway,
So she threw him aside, the imposter.
--- Allan Ottley P8805

A man who hates summer is Partch;
He wants to have sex like in March.
So he takes ice-cold showers,
Sprays on Eau de Fresh Flowers,
And soaks his limp organ in starch.
--- Armand E Singer 927

A flaccid young fellow called Smith,
Spent February wondering if
He spent all of March
With his dick soaked in starch,
So in April, it might get more stiff.
--- Graham

A polygamous Tunisian Bey,
To his seventh wife murmured one day,
"I can take three or four,
And then one or two more...
But you have it soft, as they say."
--- Marc Davidson a

There once was a gouty old colonel,
Who grew glum when the weather turned vernal.
So he cried in his tiffin,
His prick wouldn't stiffen,
And the size of the thing was infernal.

(tiffin - lunch, midday meal)
--- L0021

But you might be like young Mr. Dillow,
Who once bragged with his head on my pillow,
That his prick was like oak.
But he lied, the young bloke,
'Cause it sure looked to me more like willow.
--- Anon

Said a post-Civil War belle named Gwen:
"In defeat, Johhny Rebs lost their yen
To impale Dixie tail,
Since impalers would fail,
But the South, suh, is rising again!"
--- Playboy Mag J F O'Conner