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I talk and I talk and I talk, I talk while I sit on the john; The Englishman has quite a flair There was an old man of Tralee, There once was a lady I know Dreary me! Goodness gracious! With all There's a patch that looks just like a rose.... I knew two young ladies from Florida Housekeeping has been such a chore; Half naked I clean my house, Embarrass your spouse? Oh no! There once was a fat guy named Bub; There was a strange man from Cape Wroth, An eccentric who lived in Lachine A sailor who sailed 'round Cape Hope A politico named Michael Foote (Michael Foote, leader of the Labor Party in UK)
Building smokestacks here by the lake We got the house shiny and clean; There was a young lady named Schropp When I travel, the thing which enthralls Meet Gladys and Doris and Dot; Employed to keep offices clean The senior partner, old Snivel, "Oh Gladys, me varicose veins "I wears them myself for suppo't; "Hey Dottie, you making a brew?" "I once interrupted young Spleen, "Why look; if it isn't young Dot "Well Gladys, I'm feeling quite frisky. "Okay then, a shot in me tea. "Now Doris, is Gladys all right? "Hey Gladys, does old Mr Snivel "I worry 'bout Dorothy, Glad." "I hope you're not starting to preach "Now Doris, go brew us some tea "Oh Gladys, that spider was vast. "A biccie?" "Don't mind if I do." (Brit for biscuit) "And Gladys, love, how's your old man?" "But what about marital bliss?" "We need a new head on this mop." "Now Dot, get your butt off that swivel. I was cleaning the house in the nude; An executive for an agent, A refuse collector named Bert I'm really determined and keen A weird Dervish, the Mystic Awk Kai, My feet were all covered in mud An Egyptian princess named Sherine Some housekeepers, out to impress, Cleaning the house is a bore; There's too many kids in this tub (Then I found something better to rub.)
Silverstein earned his great fame A Philipino girl named Imogena, If I kill all the bugs, I'll be bugless; Each morning you're doing your chores, Housecleaning this spring is a must; I smooth both my hands down his back; An acrobat once called Uriah A mistress addressed her maid, Lena, I heard of a woman from Aberdeen Recycling's the game, but I'm gruff, She lived near a regional boundary, The Joneses, the arguing type, Elizabeth Boggart of Dene She was radiant, sparkling, pristine, There stood, in the janitor's room, Soon after, she said "Darling hush,
Times I pace as I talk while I walk;
My carpet threadbare,
I collapse in a chair,
But my cell phone continues to squawk.
--- Joel D Ash P0510Q
My rear end goes numb thereupon;
Fifty calls as I sat,
I still chat as I shat,
Picture that -- what a strange telethon.
--- Joel D Ash P0510Q
For ignoring what's terribly there.
With a stiff upper lip
He prevents any slip,
Doing it with an unconcerned air.
--- Warrick Elrod
Who sat all day long in a tree.
When begged to come down,
He replied with a frown:
"I'm resting, so fiddle-de-dee."
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Whose gait was exceedingly slow.
Though try as she might
To keep up, her delight
Was to amble around on tip toe.
--- Edwin J Weinstein
Those thrills, my head spins like a ball.
I think I'll lie down
In my old dressing gown
And watch the paint dry on the wall.
--- Indiana Millwart
Snurfle cough!...Must have had a quick doze.
Cut off from society,
I crave some variety.
I think I'll try picking my nose.
--- Indiana Millwart
Who lived at the end of a corrida.
One was a prude
And the other so crude,
That I just don't know which one was horrida.
--- Mary Danby Armada 1
Make it exciting and fun I implore.
Now I take off my clothes
And I dance as I go;
Now it's better by far... and some more!
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Still wearing a starchy white blouse.
I remember June Cleaver,
Mother of Beaver,
And don't want to embarrass my spouse.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
He's secretly thinking, "Let's go!"
Do show him what's under,
To pillage and plunder.
I promise he'll love the whole show.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
He spent all his time in the tub.
He got out his brush
And the water did rush,
And now he's as slick as a sub.
--- Hick Whitney T9711
Who bathed in some bright-colored cloth.
When asked for the reason,
He said, "It's the season,
It's not quite as hot as it wath."
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Had peculiar ideas of hygiene.
'Twas better, he guessed,
To bathe fully dressed,
As it kept the enamelwork clean.
--- Anon
Put ashore to borrow some soap.
He used it for hours
In the baths and the showers,
But did he return it? -- Nope!
--- Spike Mulligan
Said, "This brush, up the chimney, I'll put."
The tune he was humming
Was "Christmas is Coming",
And so was a face full of soot.
--- Spike Mulligan
Would be a gigantic mistake.
If we really do care,
We'll take care of our air.
There is much more than money at stake.
--- Gil Kinnunen
It looked just like a magazine.
But since fluffing's the rage,
We are living on stage;
The illusion is what makes the scene.
--- Anon
Whose love was considered a flop.
She would much rather cook
Or read out of a book,
Or clean up the house with a mop.
--- Albin Chaplin
More than spires, castles or big halls,
Is whenever I roam,
And therefore I'm not home,
I'm not drying shower stall walls.
--- Loren Fitzhugh
One's tall and the others are squat.
It's Gladys who's married
And often quite harried
While Dottie and Doris are not.
--- Peter Wilkins
At Screwing, Snivel and Spleen,
They do love a natter
And chatter, no matter;
Their wages are meagre and mean.
--- Peter Wilkins
Has chairs in his office that swivel;
So that's where they'll be
Everynight having tea,
While exchanging nonsensical drivel.
--- Peter Wilkins
Are causing me terrible pains."
"Well Dr Van Morris's
Pantyhose, Doris, is
Best for relieving them strains."
--- Peter Wilkins
I thought after Tommy, I ought.
Because of his weight
And 'is being so late,
All me veins left me feeling distraught."
--- Peter Wilkins
"Yes, give me a minute or two."
"Well, do hurry up;
I could murder a cup
After scrubbing the gentlemen's loo."
--- Peter Wilkins
When giving those toilets a clean.
I'm sure he was
There 'aving a jiggle..."
"Aye Doris, I know what you mean."
--- Peter Wilkins
With cups and a tray and a pot.
Now put them down here,
And be careful, my dear,
For that teapot is terribly hot."
--- Peter Wilkins
Does old Mr Snivel drink whisky?"
"Of course, he's a lawyer;
There's some in his drawer 'ere,
But not the old bottle, too risky."
--- Peter Wilkins
And don't forget Doris and me."
"It's loverly, init?"
"Be back in a minute.
I'm popping next door for a pee."
--- Peter Wilkins
She seems a bit grumpy tonight."
"My guess is, but hush, is
She's getting 'ot flushes,
Dot, just like at 50, you might."
--- Peter Wilkins
Sit here with his clients and swivel?"
"Why yes, it's a perk
On account of his work,
And..." (etc. etc. more drivel!)
--- Peter Wilkins
"Now Doris, it isn't so bad;
So what if she's keen
On that nice Mr Spleen?"
"But he's older, by far, than her dad!"
--- Peter Wilkins
This is file sxm
'Bout men again, Doris, for...
"Oh Gladys, it's not...?
"Don't be silly, hey Dot;
Mind that spider behind the old bleach.
--- Peter Wilkins
And leave our poor Dorothy be;
And then we'll relax
In those chairs in our slacks
For a break until quarter to three."
--- Peter Wilkins
It ran like the clappers right past.
Then went up me frock!"
"What a terrible shock,
But look here's the tea at long last."
--- Peter Wilkins
"You heard about Susie and Hugh?"
"Why yes, didn't the bed,
On the day they were wed...?"
"Aye, and it cost them a packet or two."
--- Peter Wilkins
"As good as expected is Stan."
"His op went okay?"
"Aye, he piddled today
Without standing an hour in the can."
--- Peter Wilkins
"Oh that. Well we still have a kiss.
Now Doris, don't sneer."
"Well I don't want to hear
About stuff as revolting as this."
--- Peter Wilkins
"Okay then. Tomorrow we shop."
"Well Gladys, let's go
Up to 'Arrod's and blow
All our wages and shop 'til we drop."
--- Peter Wilkins
Put the booze where old Mr Snivel
Can find it again.
And recork the champagne.
(etc. etc. more drivel)
--- Peter Wilkins
The neighbor girl said I was rude,
For not closing the drapes
While I scoured and scraped.
It made her quite ill...so she sued.
--- Anon
Was very well known as a 'gent'.
He went to a party,
Threw up on an 'Arty';
Now he cleans toilets for rent.
--- Anon
Had a priceless collection of dirt,
Covered up by a screen
To keep it all clean,
With a guard dog on constant alert.
--- Michael Palin
To give this old house a good clean.
I will do it, I say,
Yes, I'll do it today..
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean...
--- Peter Wilkins
Would bathe rarely and then on the fly,
Doing so in his clothes.
Should you ask, I suppose
He would either drip or spin dry.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9706
And Mother yelled, "Don't bring that crud
Into this house so neat.
Put those filthy feet
'Neath the hose and wash them good, bud!"
--- Anon
Met a guy who would make her his queen.
So she gave up her job
To be with her heart throb...
Let's hope she can wash, cook, and clean.
--- Virge
Will actively clean up a mess;
They'll grab mop and bucket
And start to de-muck it.
There's nothing I'd rather do less.
--- Rory Ewins
It's a terrible mind-numbing chore.
Whenever I do it,
I race to get through it;
I don't think I'll do it no more.
--- Peter Wilkins
There's too many elbows to scrub.
I just washed a behind
That I'm sure wasn't mine;
There's too many kids in this tub.
--- Shel Silverstein
But here that lim'd get him a flame,
'Cause arrogant fools
With self-imposed rules,
Say two lines can't be just the same.
--- John Miller
(An au pair who was really a cleaner.)
Was given some food
Which was not very good;
The result, she got leaner and leaner!
--- Arthur Pattaffy
If I trash all the drugs, I'll be drugless.
It's said that I'm ripe,
And this isn't just hype.
If I don't take a bath, I'll be hugless.
--- Al Willis P9706
And busily polishing floors,
Don't shine under the mat;
You might slip and go flat,
And find you had fractured your pores.
--- Mrs Tooley
I've found several green things with crust,
Which gives me the urge
For refrigerator purge;
The only bunnies 'round here would be dust!
--- Dirruk
Then his arms, they take up the slack.
He snuggles me close
And says, "Hold your nose
While I tie the top of the sack."
--- Marlene Lewis
Could cartwheel and jump ever higher.
He'd put on wet clothes
And spin on his toes;
The very first clothes tumble-dryer.
--- Anon
"I'm tired of your sluttish demeanor.
There's fluff on the floor,
And mud on the door,
And you must keep the vacuum cleaner.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Who like to keep everything clean.
She'd scrub and she'd wash
Till everything looked posh;
It was the saddest case that I've seen.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
'Cause the Borough ain't doing enough!
The powers that be
Should provide you and me,
With a bag for our wash-drier fluff.
--- Doug Harris
In a house overlooking a foundry.
On the line at the back,
The smoke from the stack
Would blacken her freshly-washed laundry.
--- Gerry Busch
Each to each other would gripe.
If her wish he wash, he
Would get wishy-washy
And gripe it is my turn to wipe.
--- Irving Superior P9103
Once fell in the washing machine.
Her mother said, "Lizzie,
Although you feel dizzy,
It's the first time you've ever been clean."
--- Mary Danby Armada 1
A princess, yes soon to be queen.
Her beauty unspoiled,
Her virtue unsoiled --
Our brand new clothes-washing machine!
--- Laurence Perrine P8811
A stiff male and a soft female broom.
And one day they said:
"We ought to be wed,
And broom-bride and handsome broom-groom."
--- Tiddy Ogg
And her voice then in torrents did rush.
"I've got a surprise,
I cannot disguise!
We'll soon have our own little brush!"
--- Tiddy Ogg
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