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There was an old man with a beard
Who said, "It is just as I feared.
Two pheasants a-plucking, two turkeys a-fucking,
Two owls coughing pellets, two swans and two pullets,
Have, all of them, shit in and smeared
And thoroughly dirtied my beard.
There was a young girl with a beard There was an old man who said, "Hush! There were two young ladies of Birmingham But this bishop was nobody's fool; But that failed to impress the bad two. There were once two young ladies of Birmingham, A lone lady explorer named Schlichter So helpful is Pussy-Pat Payle To a gaucho I met in St. Thomas, There once was a man from Calcutta, Miss Molly's a young lass of fashion, A young girl who lived on Cape Cod, Her sister was younger and blonder John Miller took two or three days, I have no such need of toupee "Tonight on the beach," said Cecille, The prior of Dunstan St Just The lady from Ealing is old; In the Garden of Eden, Eve's chasm A dangerous rich bitch known as Sader, When in Kansas I ran out of gas, A ghost in the town of Macroom, A fellow with passions quite gingery Since Jack has a massive twelve-incher, he A sewer-farm workman named Byrd Perhaps it is I who's naive, A bookbinder let out a shrill scream No matter how much must be spent, There was a young fairy named Gray That queer from Khartoum in his room A dyke and a homo named Groom, "That's nothing," said Francis with gloom, A skeleton once in Khartoum Michael J. and Madonna did fume There was an old bloke of Khartoum There was a young scientist named Glass, Do you remember poor Glass? He still rants There was a young girl of Madras, There once was a girl named McWrath (snath - handle of a scythe)
Down the privy fell old mister Byrd; Must be fate, but a fellow named Clyde To the morgue they brought both brothers McBride, There once was a guy named Mcbride, The holes in the outhouse were wide; There was a young lady of Kent There once was a monk in Siberia, (I S - prolific long time limerick author)
There once was a monk in Siberia, There once was a man with a beard A spry little man from Nantucket, A learned young lady of Shoreham A nit and a gnat in a net There once was a young man from Norway, There was a young lady from Norway Her boy-friend, a butcher, who'd swung, The randy young couple from Norway There was a young lady from Nod To a gaucho I met in St. Thomas, An Argentine gaucho named Bruno This is the man from Peru Is this the same man of Peru I sat by the Rabbi at tea. Wicked madam, aware of God's plan, Oh Limmers all, please do not trust A girl from Belfast name of Alice, There was a young lady from Niger There once was a maid from BLIGHTY
--- Alexander Baron
Who said, "It is just as I feared;
I'd love to go bedward
With dear uncle Edward,
But jeeze; even he thinks I'm weird."
--- Anon
I perceive a young bird with a bush!"
When they asked, "Is it small?"
He replied, "Not at all,
But it's nowhere the size of her tush!"
--- Hugh Clary
And this is the story concerning them.
They acted improper
By biffing the topper
Of the bishop as he was confirming them.
--- David Finely P9712
He'd been to a large public school.
He replaced his top hat
In five seconds flat,
In a manner both jaunty and cool.
--- David Finely P9712
They said, "Bishop, your hat is askew.
Our vicar is greater,
Since his hat is straighter
Than the one on the top part of you.
--- David Finely P9712
And I know a sad story concerning 'em,
They stuck needles and pins,
In the right reverend shins,
Of the bishop who was confirming 'em.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Once wrestled a boa constrictor.
On her hot jungle bed
They both writhed, and it's said
The constrictor, as victor, then licked her.
--- David A Brooks Q
That she's printed the price of her tail
On the relevant places
In scripts of twelve races,
And blind men are favoured with Braille.
--- David A Brooks Q
I mentioned I tried in St. Palmas,
The numero uno
That was boasted by Bruno,
And discovered diviness St. Llamas.
--- Hugh Clary
Who greased up his ass with butta,
He practised a curious trick,
And therein inserted his prick.
Some people would say he's a nutter!
--- Anon
Much known for her wit and her passion.
To her captain she said
As she straddled his head,
"Here's one thing you bastards can't ration."
--- Garold Amadon
Claimed her baby was a gift of God.
But it looked like Roger,
Her mother's lodger,
So she had to drop the FACADE.
--- Norm
And hotter and certainly fonder
Of guys such as I
Counting hairs on her pie,
Which would send her to realms, way up yonder.
--- Anon
To work out that cunt-plucking pays.
By collecting the hairs
From under the stairs,
He wove for himself a toupee.
--- David Miller
'Cause I have all my hair -- though it's grey.
I use those blond hairs
For making repairs
To Barbies, which I give away.
--- John Miller
"I'll let all the boys have a feel!
Excepting for Dave
Who smell of the grave,
And uses my clam to catch eel."
--- David Miller
Overcome with feelings of lust,
Satisfied his strange urgin;
With a bust of The Virgin,
And a water pump covered in rust.
--- Big Little Playoy Lims
More likely she's dead, I've been told.
Though John should have known
As she was fly blown,
And the last golden shower was cold.
--- David Miller
Is given to multi-orgasm.
And great is her mirth,
For on the whole earth
There are many to have, and she has 'em.
--- Arthur Deex P0205
Built a palace with cash, fools had paid her.
The walls of its halls
Were hung high with the balls,
And the tools of the fools who had laid her.
--- David A Brooks Q
Met a widow who had a fine ass,
But you need not be told,
Like the limerick of old,
'Twas the kind with four legs and eats grass.
--- Bob Birch P0900
One night found a ghoul in his room.
They argued all night
As to which had the right
To frighten the wits out of whom.
--- 500 Irish Jokes & Lims
Was exploring his young sister's lingerie;
Then with giggles of pleasure
He plundered her treasure
Adding incest to insult to injury.
--- Anon
Knocked out his dear mum's lower denture. Re-
Marked he, "You scum,
You've bloodied my cum!"
Adding incest to insult and injury.
--- Anon
Was put out by events that occurred,
For he never did choose
To be sucked down by ooze,
Nor remain so interred so in turd.
--- David A Brooks Q
But I find it hard to believe.
Perhaps you're mistaken,
'Cause it would have taken
Epoxy that bond to achieve.
--- El Gaucho
When the book came apart at the seam.
For it seems in her haste,
That instead of the paste,
She'd applied contraceptical cream.
--- David Finely
A young couple is firmly intent
Upon finding in haste
A solvent for paste.
Reward. Call John Kelly of Kent.
--- A N Wilkins P8703
Who dated a Lesbian one day.
They agreed that they knew
Who'd do what, how, to who,
But they could not agree who should pay.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-0821
Will never get near that girl's womb.
She can draw him a map,
Even give him a slap,
But his prick won't inflate, I assume.
--- Tutta Gioia
Were planning their soon honeymoon.
Groom said, "Oh my dear,
It is not very clear,
About who will be doing what to whom."
--- Anon
"Just listen to my tale of doom,
Of sadly mixed sexes
And weirdo complexes,
My date was this creep from Khartoum."
--- Ed Potts P8507
This is file shm
Invited a ghost to his room.
They spent the whole night
In the eeriest fight
As to who should be frightened of whom.
--- Linda Marsh Coll P0310
At each other when in the bedroom,
And they argued all night
As to who had the right
To do what and impregnate whom.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9701
Who once kept seven sheep in his room.
I do not tell you this
To imply it's remiss,
Just to say that he bought a large broom.
--- David A Brooks Q
Who encased both his balls in bright brass.
When he jogged in the morning,
Without any warning,
Sheet lightning would shoot from his ass.
--- David A Brooks Q
After one of his jogs down in Hants.
The brassy-ball charge
Made his member, once large,
A charred victim of amps in his pants.
--- David A Brooks Q
Who wore a skirt made of grass.
The reason I know her?
I used a lawn mower
In a manner decidedly crass.
--- MrMalo
Who had a magnificent snath.
Not furry and pink
As you probably think;
It was wood, had a blade, and cut grath!
--- Martin Wellborn A
His shouting for help was not heard.
They fill in the pit
And now it's a crypt
Where the body of Byrd is interred.
--- Limericks Naughty & Gay
Also fell through an outhouse and cried
That it's dark, yet he sees
Next, a big pile of feces,
Then remains of the Brothers McBride.
--- Armand Singer
And the coroner had to decide
How to write the reports --
A dilemma of sorts --
Disinterred and In Turd both applied.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2952
Who fell in a horse barn and died.
And along came is brother
Who fell in another,
And now they're installed side by side.
--- Arthur Deex P9504
So no wonder the boys fell inside.
And now they're interred
Under ten tons of turd,
From a ride through a Hyde house outside.
--- L Kintz
Who said that she knew what it meant
When men asked her to dine,
Gave her chocolates and wine,
She knew that it meant harassment.
--- David Finely P9712a
Whose existence grew steadily drearier,
Till he broke from his cell
With a hell of a yell
And eloped with Irving Superior
--- Anon
Whose existence grew steadily drearier
Till he broke from his cell...
"Have a monk with me dwell?
I'll see you in Court, (THE SUPERIOR)."
--- Irving Superior
Who said, "It is just as I feared.
I'm infested with nests
Of six-legged pests,
From one of those orphans I reared.
--- Hugh Clary
Picked up an oyster to suck it;
But it did him no good,
For in his way stood,
The shell, and no knife to shuck it.
--- Anon
Made newspaper dresses and woreham.
When news got around,
She was very soon found
Wearing new ones, not wishing to boreham.
--- David A Brooks Q
Were trapped and had started to fret.
"Let's git!" said the nit.
"Let's scat!" said the gnat.
So they shot, hot to trot, in duet.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Who carried his bride through the doorway,
Where he poked at her pink
Every way he could think,
Till he just couldn't think of one more way.
--- MrMalo
Who hung by her toes from the doorway.
She said to her man:
"Get off that divan,
I think I've discovered one more way!"
--- Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P0101
Said: "You look so excitingly young,
And the looks of your rear
Is like venison, dear:
I have learned it is better, when hung!"
--- Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P0101
Would look for a never-before-way:
A shore-way, a sore-way,
A fictional whore-way,
And a discotheque, down-on-the-floor-way.
--- Carl Ludvig Kjelsen P0101
Who wanted a baby from God,
'Twas not the Almighty
That crawled up her nightie,
It was the vicar, the dirty old sod.
--- Anon
I mentioned I tried in St Palmas
The Numero Uno
That was boasted by Bruno,
And discovered diviness St Llamas.
--- Anon
Once said, "There are things that I do know:
Fornication's perverse;
Bestiality's worse;
And chastity's numero uno.
--- David Finely P9712a
Who had nothing better to do,
Than put flamae to the gas
That he'd pass from his ass.
'Twas the night he ate beans and he flew!
--- Frank Fazed
Who dropped his socks in the stew?
Then I think that maybe
Boiling them in gravy
Would make them easier to chew.
--- Bob Mornington
He asked "Do you pray when you pee?"
I replied with some wit,
"Do you chant when you shit?"
And silently laughed in my glee.
--- T Arnold
Determinedly takes him in hand;
Hey, why aim to enthral?
When a hand round these balls,
Gets her total control of her man!
--- Tony Crafter P0506
The words of the Reverend Thrust.
He deflowers owls
With demonic howls,
And a little green lizard what bust!
--- Anon
Drew rude things on the Vatican Palace.
She said, "Now this deed
Comes from aesthetic need,
And not from a Protestant malice."
--- 500 Irish Jokes & Lims
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With his stripes on her hide,
She's already skinned Peter and Igor.
--- Esther Koch P0107
Who thought babies a gift of the Almighty.
But it wasn't the Lord
Whose priapus soared,
As he lifted the hem of her nightie.
--- Norm Brust
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