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I've a tragic and true tale to tell Don't think animal-lovers are bland, The sultan got sore at his harem 'Tis winter, the weather's much colder, To catch all the mice, old McFry Discouraged, McFry told his spouse, They hired for a prouse, expert Price, So men, give advise to your spice, You know what they say about mice; There was a wee lassie called Lucy A mouse in her room woke Miss Dowd. A mouse scared a lady named Lee; My home was once claimed by a mouse. A handsome young rodent named Gratian, "I admire your cute mouse, and I said it. A terrified lady named Gnauss Some scientists studying aging, There was a big fat runt My dad gave a big cocktail party A short while ago, like a dope, I've been back to the Rat Catchers Arms, "You're only let in on probation; I turned and I looked at the fellow. Fiona was heavily breathing; While her boyfriend had gone for a leak, You all can guess what happened next; Why do things not go my way? There was an old man who supposed There was a young farmer named Sig Babirussa: An East Indies pig Said a pig at a farm on the moor, A sow sidled up to the wagon The boar is a creature most lewd: Oriental pig's attack frontal Big Bob's not a sheep that can bleat, An alluring young shoat of Paris, Once someone said: "If pigs could fly..." A piglet whose tail was too straight The sow toppled over the cream, I'm tired of this inelegant dig With his female pig ailing somehow, I once knew a pig that could fly A milkmaid addressing her cows, I just paid a pig's traffic fine. The pig is of the porcine ilk; A warthog exclaimed, between snorts, There was a young pig called Sam Handwich, It's Autumn, the season of pannage. (pannage - when pigs are released to forest to eat acorns)
A man from Newcastle-on-Tyne I once owned a pig that could fly, The wife of a farmer in Stoke, There once was a pig named Mork, A virtuous porker of Nome Barnyard life's really the pits. I wish you'd control that damn Piglet, Well, Piglet, I'm really quite tickled If she will stop and open her eyes, The pig was an absolute charmer; Pigs are such vile dirty swine; A fellow named Phineas Fly, While visiting Uncle Moe's farm, Now what's with the amputee beast? A chestnut tree fell on my back Said I, "I'm amazed at her stunts! When the razorback hog in the ark In a recent astute observation, Two Alsatian pigs met in a bar.
Of a mouse (now avenged) burned to hell.
The poor bastard who did it
Lost house just to rid it
Of mouse, who in flames, spread them well.
--- David A Brooks
For compassion's a powerful stand.
Would your boy march with Death
If he'd felt the warm breath
Of a dormouse asleep in his hand?
--- David A Brooks
And thought up this plan for to scare 'em:
He caught a wee mouse
Which he loosed in the house;
The confusion is called harem-scarem.
--- Anon
And the vermin have gottten much bolder.
Last night in my house,
Spied an old prarie mouse;
Smashed him up with an old candle holder.
--- Anon
Cut cheese into cubes like a die.
Then he baited the traps
And he waited for snaps,
But the traps only yielded a mie.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2689
Who cut up the cheese into douse.
When the traps were all baited,
They waited and waited
But the traps only yielded a mouse.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2690
Who fashioned the cheese into dice.
Then he set all the traps
And they heard many snaps,
And they caught all the mice in the hice.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2691
Don't cut like a die, but like dice.
When your cutting up cheese
To bait traps, if you please,
And you'll catch every mie in the hice.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2692
Don't have to behave much, that's nice.
Cat's gone all week,
I am not meek!
The weekend is the only price.
--- Anon
Who said "Mummy, I want a moosie.
They tell me that mice
Taste ever so nice--
Like gerbils, but sweet and more juicy."
--- Chris Young
Who was frightened and screamed very loud.
Then a happy thought hit her;
To scare off the critter,
She sat up in bed and meowed!
--- Lorna Lace P9911
She died from the fright -- plain to see.
But the mouse was scared more
And it fell to the floor,
And it died much more deader than she.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2667
I set traps all over the house.
The hunt sadly ended,
I hadn't intended
To catch the big toe of my spouse!
--- Norma Jean Bears P9202
As the lifeguard became a sensation.
All the lady mice waved
And screamed to be saved
By his mouse-to-mouse resuscitation.
--- Anon
If your feelings are hurt, I regret it"
When I said this, I lied,
But then she replied,
"Well, O.K; If you like, you can pet it."
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Was scared by a mouse in the house.
When she screamed in despair,
No one much seemed to care,
So she frightened the mouse with her blouse.
--- Albin Chaplin 3024-2595
Who claim life's prolonged by low phaging,
Are wrong. Don't you heed 'em;
The secret is freedom.
A thin mouse can slip through its caging.
--- Prof M-G
With an apppetite for rat cunt:
The vermin deceased,
Made a great feast,
So now he is back on the hunt.
--- Kevin's Limerick Page
For Bostonians snobby and arty.
Leo, our cat,
Brought in a huge rat,
Plopped it down, then meowed, "Party Hearty!"
--- Anon
The Scots barmaid's breasts I did grope.
From there I was banned,
Thrown out by the land-
lord, but now I'm back, I hope.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Ogling pretty Fiona's great charms.
She served me a beer,
And said with a sneer,
"Don't touch me with those sweaty palms."
--- Tiddy Ogg
Just one grope could mean termination.
My boyfriend's over there,
In that corner chair;
He's keen for a big confrontation."
--- Tiddy Ogg
Inside I was quaking like Jello.
About seven foot tall;
Built like a brick wall;
No wonder I felt very yellow.
--- Tiddy Ogg
With each breath her bosom was heaving.
Those breasts in that blouse
Would a dead man arouse.
How now could I think about leaving?
--- Tiddy Ogg
I heard a thin high-pitched squeak.
"It's a mouse," whispered she,
And came rushing to me;
Put her arms 'round my neck with a shriek!
--- Tiddy Ogg
Her boyfriend entered most vexed.
The last thing I saw
As I fell to the floor,
Was Fiona who looked quite perplexed.
--- Tiddy Ogg
She was there in my arms on that day.
And the plan seem ideal,
That mouse to conceal...
A very bruised jaw was my pay.
--- Tiddy Ogg
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.
--- Edward Leer
Whose prick was too long and too big.
His perverted passion,
Contrary to fashion,
Consisted of fucking a pig.
--- G1323
That has canines prodigiously big
Curving out of his snout;
If you see him, watch out!
'Cause the pig gets indignant, you dig?
--- Rory Ewins
"I've prizes and trophies galore.
I'm the world's finest sow,
But life's dreary, somehow,
For my husband's the world's biggest boar!"
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Where the farmer spilled booze from his flagon.
She lapped up the liquid
Like any good pig would,
And both of them got quite a jag on.
--- Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes
Its eighteen-inch rod's not for prudes.
Like a corkscrew, it's curled,
Through the cervix it's twirled,
Giving new life to the phrase "getting screwed".
--- Actaeon
This is file mtk
Left him spun in lines contrapuntal.
Disoriented pig
Also lost voice big,
Which did the poor porker disgruntle.
--- Daniel
But into his sty will retreat
For devouring my swine.
That suits me just fine
Cause I know: 'What we are what we eat'!
--- Anon
Fills all of her suitors with glee,
For when they implore
Her to give a bit more,
She invariably answers "Wee Wee!"
--- Anon
A gleam came to one boffin's eye,
"That's what we've been praying
For, we can start spraying
The crops with muck dropped from the sky."
--- Tiddy Ogg
Put curling pins on for a date.
But the pins were too hot,
And a twiddly knot
Tied itself in the tail, sad to state.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
And lay in the widening stream;
Said she, "It's my duty
To care for my beauty.
To look like Miss Piggy's my dream."
--- Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes
Of women calling all men "Pig!"
Pigs are not men;
Men belong in a pen;
Pigs are gentle and sensitig.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
They say an old farmer named Dow
Resolved to give her
A dose of liquer
In hopes that it might Curacao.
--- A N Wilkins P8403
From the Abattoir back to his sty.
He was such a sharp dasher,
He never made rasher
Nor ever became a pork pie.
--- Peter Wilkins
Promised each one a series of vows.
She said that she'd never
Be ever so clever
As to try and milk one of the sows!
--- Mark A Smeby
When you hear this, you'll know I'm not lyin'.
He laid down at the curb
And oinked "Do not disturb."
But he didn't see the 'No Porking' sign!
--- Joseph Eldridge
This I know, his ears aren't silk.
He uses grunts and snuffles,
And is good finding truffles.
His wife, the sow, I think gives milk.
--- William K Alsop Jr
"Oh, why don't I have any warts!
I've consulted the virus
That lives in Epirus,
And I've stayed at the hoptoad resorts."
--- Lims Unlimited
Who met with a dirty old man which
Converted poor Sam
Into five tins of Spam,
And Sam Handwich is now a ham sandwich.
--- Anon
I'll see if this year I can manage,
While having a snuffle,
For acorns, not truffles;
Of a sexy sow I'll take advantage.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Kept pigs in a penthouse divine.
He fed them strange things
Like tiaras and rings --
He was casting his pearls before swine!
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
But simply would not multiply.
"What good is that trick
When the sows are heart-sick?
Come down! You have furrows to ply."
--- Marty TP9807
Always one for a dubious joke,
Caught her sow in the act,
And reported the fact
To her spouse as "a pig in a poke."
--- Anon
Who lived on the streets of New York.
He got in a fight
In an alley one night
And then he was sliced up for pork.
--- John Ponto
Had no inclination to roam.
The rest of the brood
Would go out and get stewed,
But this little piggy stayed home.
--- VOL 11
That shoat's just about frayed my wits!
If I ever find
That Piglet, I'll grind
Him up into wee bacon bits.
--- Anon
He keeps rootin' around for my riglet.
When I'm standin' out
To pee, his cold snout
Keeps nudgin' my hose when I wiggle it!
--- Anon
To learn that ol' Hamhock ain't fickled;
His lessons? Believe 'em!
Just pork 'em and leave 'em!
Your feet won't wind up gettin' pickled!
--- Anon
She could see there are plenty of guys,
In the place that's a shrine,
That is fit for a swine.
For the pigs mainly wallow in sties.
--- Anon
She used all her wiles on the farmer,
But he's keeping books,
So in spite of her looks,
She now wears a wrap labeled Armour.
--- Cow Sheep Petersen Rhodes
They wallow in muck and urine.
But when the culinary talk,
Turns to bacon and pork,
They're suddenly becoming divine.
--- Al Lichtman
Lived right in a muddy pigsty.
If you asked why this was,
He'd reply, "Oh because--
It's none of your business, that's why!"
--- Anon
Right there in the house, keeping warm,
There lay an old sow.
I raised an eye-brow.
The pig had a prosthetic arm!
--- H Welchel
I asked. Uncle Moe said, "She greased
And pampered and sung to.
We wipe off her bung, too.
If not for her, I'd be deceased.
--- H Welchel
About seven miles off of the track.
That pig heard me cry
And broke from her sty,
And brought me a plank and a jack!
--- H Welchel
But why the three legs?" Uncle grunts.
Your head sure is fat!
A good pig like that --
You don't eat the whole thing at once!
--- H Welchel
Was stropping himself on some bark,
All the animals knew
That when he was through,
He'd let go with a cutting remark.
--- Lims Unlimited
With hungry pigs we bear a relation.
I do take exception
About this reflection,
To sully the pig's reputation.
--- William Tozzi
Both were soccer fans, excellence par.
One said, "My team's the 'Scruffles'."
Said the other, "Mine's 'Truffles'.
They're the ones which I always root for."
--- Loren C Fitzhugh P9706
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