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There was an old woman from Diffie There once was a sailor named Pink, Said the skunk, "I must try not to think. There was an old man of Ostend Suzette was a studious skunk; A mean-mannered kid found it fittin' The stink of a skunk's really rank; I've thought and I've thinked and I've thunk, There once was a dude from the city, There once was a man from the city A punk who was drunk stole a skunk What few Biblical scholars may know-- The skunk is a beast with a smell A shepherd who hailed from Ghent Two polecats who once went astray, We all know that weasels are vermin; There was a young man from the city, Barney, that creature with no dick, A young dinosaur named Barney, A primate researcher, Miss Soot, There was an old man from Cape Verde There was an old man from Cape Verde There was an old man from Cape Verde There was an old man from Cape Verde There was an old man from Cape Verde In the mythical world of horse racing, Mythic Racing Forms wisely confide: The Centaur's in a sorry plight, A sly serpentine monster near Nice This morning you're feeling real loose, Easter Bunny got into the shed (kielbasa - uncooked smoked sausage)
A mermaid who swam with the ships I own a grown flickedy-ding. I examined its flickus to see I gave it a shot of blue ink I was thankful it wasn't a flock; There's a nip in the air, love, tonight. If there's shit on your hat, declare it. A sad situation, it's true -- My very best Sunday-church hat In Alaska there once lived a gnome A short little man, like a gnome, The Griffins, so strong and so bold, In Archaeology they think Pink budgies are often contrary, So please don't get mad or reprovy, A giant that is quite often seen, There was a young lady from Minthk, The Irish have wee men in green, So quick is the monster (Loch Ness), A clam-digger, searchin' and wadin', No more on the earth do they roam; An ungly old hag named Medusa A man from the south of the Somme Men trap naugas and strip off their side, From the ooze at the bottom, awaking; A swimmer who swims in Loch Ness Should you catch the bad beast of Loch Ness, Today when I walked to the creek A laddie of Scottish extraction I went to a county craft fair; The stall holder smiled up at me; "So the folk hereabouts knitted these, "When fried they made meals of distinction, I completed my purchase; she rose, So that's how the copper found me,
Whose nose was abnormally sniffy;
She sniffed out a skunk
That was under her bunk,
And he gave her the works in a jiffy.
--- Limber Limericks
Whose mates rushed him off to the clink.
Said he, "I've a skunk
As a pet in my bunk.
That's no reason for raising a stink."
--- Anon
If I do it will drive me to drink;
Human beings are odd,
Look at me, say "My God!"
And won't love me until I'm ex-stinked."
--- Ann Gasser P9406
Who kept a live skunk as a friend.
At twenty-odd feet
It was charming and sweet,
But nearer, 'twas wont to offend.
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Mathematics she feared she would flunk.
So she hired a tutor
Who soon was her suitor;
His eau de Cologne really stunk.
--- Nancy Henry-Kline P9306
To pick up a cat and start hittin'.
But the surly young blade
Had got thoroughly sprayed;
He had picked up a skunk, not a kitten.
--- Shelby Forrest
Ain't no stink just like that skunk stank.
Naming it, my friend,
Will drive you 'round the bend,
Where that dismal skunk stinks dark and dank.
--- Tony Burrell
While lying awake in my bunk.
There's truly no word,
Sublime or absurd,
Describing the stink of a skunk.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Who strayed to Vermont -- what a pity!
He took off mighty fast,
Like a rocket in blast,
With fuel from a black and white "kitty".
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Who picked up what he thought a kitty.
Though the black and white stripes
Weren't really his type,
The smell made him rethink his pity.
--- R G Trepanier
From the junk in the trunk of a monk.
He was soon in bad odor
So rightly bestowed her
On Monk-in-a-funk, whom it stunk.
--- David A Brooks
"...and then to the skunks, Noah, "No!
With forty nights/days
And all of those sprays!
But we'll tie on a rope for a tow."
--- Irving Superior P9706
That he likes to eject and expel;
From the state of the air,
I am bound to declare
That he doesn't smell good or too well.
--- Lims Unlimited
Kept quite a few skunks in his tent.
When asked, "Do they smell?"
He answered, "Too well,
They took one whiff of me and they went."
--- E O Parrot
Decided a church to survey.
The jist of the service
Left them feeling nervous;
One said to the other, "Let's spray."
--- Bob Giandomenico P9008
Except in the winter, they're ermine.
But still, weasels stink
And so do the mink.
This is my do-not-wear-fur sermon.
--- Marlene Lewis
Who saw what he thought was a kitty.
To make sure of that,
He gave it a pat.
They buried his clothes. What a pity!
--- Anon
Is so offensive he makes my dog sick.
With weird vacant eyes,
And felt-covered thighs,
He's hardly what I'd call Jurassic.
--- Anon
Whose treatment of kids was quite smarmy;
He'd probe every hole,
Then swallow them whole,
Till his shit looked like children con carne.
--- Anon
Went down to the Herald to put
A classified ad
To meet someone who had,
For starters, at least a Bigfoot.
--- Arthur Deex P8408
Who caught a remarkable bird;
It flew on its back
Straight into his sack
And stayed there till April the third.
--- William K Alsop P8910
Who captured a fabulous bird;
The nest that it built
Was lined with a quilt,
And the eggs that it sat on were shirred.
--- William K Alsop P8910
Who discovered a fossilized bird;
A tremendous Great Awk
With a petrified squawk
So loud it could faintly be heard.
--- William K Alsop P8910
Who told of a friendly old bird
Who had room in her nest
For an overnight guest,
Who didn't come back if he erred.
--- William K Alsop P8910
Who saw an unusual bird;
When it followed a hearse
It flew in reverse
And uttered a very bad word.
--- William K Alsop P8910
The famed Centaur was most self-effacing.
If no win, place or show,
He did not want to go
And spend all his energy chasing.
--- J Maynard Kaplan
Favored Centaur looks good for the ride;
If he stays the course
And behaves like a horse,
Then he won't miss the jockey astride.
--- J Maynard Kaplan
For what is there to do at night;
His torso will scare
The nice cosy mare;
And his rear fills maidens with fright.
--- Lims Unlimited
Was the deadly and swift cockatrice;
It could kill with a glance
And crow "Vive La France",
All before you could call the police.
--- J Maynard Kaplan
But sleep has not loosened it's noose.
No coffee intake
To get you awake;
That's how Easter Bunny got goosed.
--- Anon
With my flop-eared Angora, pure-bred.
They'll be no eggs this Easter,
I shot off his keister;
Not kielbasa, there's rabbit instead.
--- John Miller 0298
Was entangled within a net's grip.
Said the Captain, "Good Lord
Mates, haul her aboard;
And we'll eat her on Friday, with chips!"
--- Anon
Normally a compludful thing.
But one day in the rain
It started to quane
And let out a B minor ring.
--- June Sullivan P8403
This is file mak
Just what its trouble could be.
But I touched a sore spot
And quick as a shot
It put a green malcus on me.
--- June Sullivan P8403
Mixed with gin, which I brewed in the sink.
With a hum and a whir
It flexed its gurbur.
Now it goes, but it first wants a drink.
--- June Sullivan P8403
Seeing one was enough of a shock.
In the mountains that day
I found I'd lost my way
Right between a hard place and a ROC.
--- Loren C Fitzhugh
Fiddler crabs have evolved powered flight.
Hear their violins screech
As they soar down the beach...
And watch out, 'cause the fly at butt height.
--- Prof M-G T9712
As for me, I don't think I could bear it.
It was dropped by a Foo
(A big bird at the zoo),
And if the foo shits, you must wear it.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
A run-in involving a Foo --
It's really a shame
That it's got such good aim.
Without, thanks a lot, I could do.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
Was the item upon which it shat.
Said I, with a sigh,
"That creature must die,"
So I'm off to the zoo with a bat.
--- Jim Weaver Collection
And his chilly headquarters was Nome.
The cold made him shiver,
And his liver quiver.
He asked: "May I transfer to Rome?"
--- William K Alsop Jr
Spouts riddles on how to get home.
Is he for real?
Just what is the deal?
But darn it, Just look! Now he's gone!.
--- Dan S
Constructed their nests all of gold;
They all have four legs,
But they MUST lay eggs,
Which leaves them outdoors rather cold.
--- Lims Unlimited
The reason 'grrdlus' are extinct.
That in the dark,
They missed the Ark
And must have been the Missing Link
--- Irving Superior P8801
While vultures with teeth can be scary.
But of all absurd birds
(Please take heed of my words)
Beware the rare hairy canary!
--- Mary Danby - 2nd Armada
Those guys that were horny and hoovy,
Had one thing in mind,
Like rest of mankind,
They saw it swell to get groovy.
--- Anon
Is the one they call "The Jolly Green".
He is on cans of beets,
Veggies, peas, but not meats.
This giant is not very mean.
--- William K Alsop Jr
Kithed frogs, but because of a jinkth,
No king show his fathe,
Jutht a dumb thtatue bathe...
A frog kithed will turn into a plinth.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Who are rarely if ever been seen.
Each little leprechaun
Is conceived and born
In the base of a jug of poteen.
--- Tony Burrell
The instant your camera you press,
The monster will dive.
So if it's alive,
The proof is now one photo less.
--- Irving Superior P9310
Enraptured a nymph, -- then the jade in
Her amorous glee
Pulled him under the sea,
So he died of the mal-de-mer-maiden.
--- Newton Mackintosh P8803
They're not in the darkest catacomb.
The male has his play
And got carried away,
And turned all the females to loam.
--- Anon
Couldn't get any man to seduce her.
But even if not,
She would always get hot
When the snakes on her head used to goose her.
--- Limrk A
Was charged with molesting a gnome.
The pervert protested
"Why was I arrested?
Do I fancy the wee folk alone?"
--- Phil T
Which they process to make the hyde.
There are many people who
Can't find naugas at the zoo,
Although they are known far and wide.
--- William K Alsop Jr
Tossing sleep away, shivering, shaking;
Climbing up toward the light
Where wait those who seek fright;
Nessie's workday begins at dawn's breaking.
--- Donna Lee Dom
Admits that she wants to confess.
"The monster's a hoax,
Just listen here, folks,
It's me with my hair in a mess!"
--- Elizabeth Murdoch
You'll fail, I'm afraid, to impress
Drumnadrochit's young men,
Who detest your sort when
They get called out to clean up the mess.
--- David A Brooks Q
I saw a sight that made me weak;
It was Nessie...well, I guess
She'd swum in from Loch Ness --
She's swimming by me as we speak!
--- Anon
Had never felt sexual attraction,
Or made himself messy.
But when he met Nessie,
His kilt lifted more than a fraction.
--- Peter Wilkins
In the stalls I inspected the wares.
On one I did spy
Some wool octopi,
Which gazed with malevolent stares.
--- Tiddy Ogg
"A tradional craft, sir," said she.
"In days long gone by,
Such green octopi,
Roamed over the meadow and lea."
--- Tiddy Ogg
And used them for lures, if you please,
For those great herds of squid.
Whereupon the men hid,
And launched their attack from the trees.
--- Tiddy Ogg
But were hunted, alas, to extinction.
Her words were sincere
And her voice was so clear,
I accepted her tale with conviction.
--- Tiddy Ogg
Said, "They mostly would hunt with no clothes,
For that octopus ink
Really made such a stink,
And such cleaning problems did pose.
--- Tiddy Ogg
A-sitting up high in a tree,
Stark naked, near Poole,
With a green ball of wool,
And binoculars, so I could see.
--- Tiddy Ogg
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